Chapter Text
A year had passed.
Looking back Aled simultaneously felt like everything about himself changed and somehow nothing has.
He's still him. Aled Last. Asexual aromantic.
How could he ever be as foolish as to think that a little experimenting could ever change that?
—---
The first person was one of Aled's classmates. They were beautiful and kind, and so fun to be around. Aled somehow managed to convince himself that he could fall in love with them. He dug his own grave, at least now he could admit that. After playing with the thought for a few weeks, Aled finally gathered the courage to ask them out.
He somehow managed to convince himself that this is what he wanted. That he would be happy to try new and exciting things out with another person. He thought that he was ready. Ready to like someone, to be in a relationship. As if this all was a question of being ready or not.
---
Daniel liked Aled. He liked him a lot. Every time he looked at him he felt his stomach tighten and his heartbeat get faster. Whenever he thought of Aled and his gray eyes he felt lost and heavy and light.
When he thought about Aled he felt like anything was possible. He tried to talk to him as much as possible, in the hallway while going to the same class or on the bus heading home after a tiresome day. It was easy and just so natural to talk to him, to be with him. It wasn't awkward, he didn't dread long silences while he was with Aled.
They both felt so safe with each other, their usual walls and defenses let down and giving way to compassion and warm smiles.
---
"Are you okay?" Daniel asked, sounding worried and somehow hurt.
Aled’s stomach clenched uncomfortably as he pushed himself off Daniel’s unmade bed.
"I should go," he said, voice small and vulnerable.
Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just do this like any other normal person would?
Everyone has sex. It's literally the most natural thing you could ever do. Everyone is attracted to people, they want each other, full of lust and need.
Apparently Aled Last wasn't like all people. And not in a quirky, fun way. More like in a what the fuck is wrong with me way.
He liked Dan, or at least he thought he did. He didn't even know what liking someone meant for him at this point.
Has he ever been attracted to anyone sexually? Or romantically for that matter? Was all of this thing the two of them had just platonic love and Aled feeling safe and understood while around Daniel?
Aled put on his shoes, trying to control the tremble in his hands, but they didn't want to cooperate so he awkwardly fiddled with the laces as Dan stood next to him, fidgeting.
“Aled, please, could we just talk it over? Please… don't go…” He sounded broken, like Aled hurt him beyond repair and there was no going back now. There goes their friendship and all of the beautiful moments they've shared together. Aled felt his eyes fill with tears, and he helplessly rubbed at them.
How could he be so incredibly stupid? Of course he wouldn't enjoy being intimate and having sex. Why did he ever think that he could just peer pressure himself into doing it?
He was so mad at himself and he couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice as he half turned towards Daniel, though still finding it impossible to meet the boy's gaze.
“I- I'm so sorry Dan. I can't.” He opened the door and left. Never looking back.
—---
“Hi, I'm home!” Aled said, carefully, looking through the living room for any signs of his mom being home. God, he really didn't want to deal with her right now. This day was shit enough already.
“Aled.” Carol emerged from the kitchen, a grim expression plastered on her face. “Where have you been?” she asked, her tone accusatory even though most of the time she couldn't even be bothered with saying hello to Aled in the morning let alone asking him about his plans for the day.
“Um, I was at Dans?” Aled responded, his voice high, and so, so unlike himself.
“Would it be so fucking hard tell me before you decide to disappear? I was waiting for you.” There was something about how she looked at him, her gaze roaming his body and eyes narrowing when she noticed Aleds nails, a beautiful, purple color.
Aled spent almost two hours yesterday doing his nails, learning how to apply gel and glitter by himself from watching youtube tutorials. He was quite proud of his work actually, and felt a spark of happiness rush through him every time he glanced at his nails.
Carol didn't seem like she was pleased though. She usually refrained from commenting on how Aled dressed or kept his hair but it seemed like with the nail polish he must have gone too far.
“You look ridiculous. Come to the bathroom.” She gave him one last disappointed look before stomping off towards the bathroom. Aled started following her, hesitantly, like he was heading towards a lion's den.
It seemed like Carol was having one of her bad days.
Aled usually managed to avoid her when she got this bad, running away to the shelter of Dan’s or to Francis’ house, but today it seemed like he had nowhere to go. He stopped before the bathroom, dread paralyzing him. Carol turned around a bottle of acetone and some cotton in her hands. Her nails were painted blood red, but apparently, that was acceptable - Aled thought bitterly.
“Sit down,” Carol instructed, leaving no room for disobedience in her tone. Aled complied because he didn't know what else he could do. Protesting or fighting was pointless. Only more hurt would follow any attempt of getting away and hiding.
“I never want to see this - this abnormal thing on you ever again, do you understand?” Carol seethed as she started rubbing forcefully at Aled’s nails. “From now on you will dress and behave like a normal boy your age.”
A boy.
Aled didn't think being addressed as such would cause him to flinch before, but apparently that was the case.
He was not a boy.
He didn't want to be masculine.
He didn't want to be feminine.
He didn't want to be gentle or strong or undecisive or firm. He hated all the stupid connotations with the words femininity or masculinity.
Aled wanted just two things: to be left alone and to wear whatever he wanted without people and society judging him.
But it's not like it ever mattered before what Aled wanted.
By the time Carol finished with rubbing his nails clean, Aled's face was tearstained and pain shot through his fingers, a few of them a bit bloody from the harsh treatment.
Carol left him in the bathroom so he could “think about how he was fucking up his life because of giving in to his abnormal tendencies”.
Well, if things continued to go like this, soon there wouldn’t be a life to fuck up at all - Aled though, smiling to himself.
Just thinking about staying for one more minute in this awful place he was forced to call home, made him feel like throwing up, so he grabbed his jacket and practically ran out of the building.
Maybe this time he wouldn't have to come back.
—---
He just finished his first cigarette and started lighting up a new one when he heard a familiar, cheerful voice call to him.
“Hey, Aled! I didn't know you smoked.”
“I don't.” Aled shrugged, but still somehow managed to send a half-smile at Nick. “Where are you headed?” he asked, taking a drag. It burned his throat, and made his eyes tear up, but what bad could this do to him that Carol didn't already do?
“Oh, just on my way to Charlie’s. We are supposed to have a Mario kart marathon,” Nick explained excitedly, radiating happiness and safety.
He probably was the only person Aled felt truly safe around lately. There were just zero expectations. No acting in a certain way to be accepted and loved, no hiding away who he truly was.
Nick knew. Nick didn't mind. Nick was safe.
“How about you? Since when do you smoke?” Aled chuckled as he put out his only half-smoked cigarette.
“Does it bother you?” he asked carefully, trying to look for signs of disgust on Nick's face. He found no such thing though. Only curiosity and that gentle worry that glinted in Nick's eyes whenever he was with his friends.
“Nope, just curious. You didn't struck me as the type to smoke is all.”
“Yeah, well,” Aled started but realized he didn't have a way to finish that sentence.
And so what if he wasn't or didn't look like the type to smoke? He could do whatever he wanted. he was free and fuck Carol and anyone who tried to control him and put him in a cage.
“You okay?” Nick prompted, and moved a bit closer to Aled, gently putting a hand around his arm.
A few moments passed before Aled decided to speak again.
“How high do you think this bridge is?” The wind ruffled Aled’s hair as he glanced down below, leaning a bit over the metal edge.
Nick's grip around his arms tightened, though it didn't hurt.
He would never hurt Aled.
“Why?” Nick asked, though his voice seemed to come from far away, muffled like Aled was listening to him speak from underwater.
“Sorry, I don't make any sense.” Aled said, stepping away from the railing. “I’m gonna get going so,” Nick let go of his arm reluctantly and searched his eyes. “Tell Charlie I said hi.”
“Hey, why don't you tell him yourself?” Nick rushed to say, sounding a bit desperate, like he really didn't want to let Aled go and be left alone.
“We really could use some good company, you know how boring it gets with just two people entertaining each other all the time,” Nick joked, but with worry still evident on his face.
Aled let out a humorless laugh, and let a self-deprecating smile slip through his lips. “Called your bluff. I know you two can't get enough of each other. And honestly good for you. That must be,” Aled paused not realizing how emotional he got, “fucking amazing actually.”
Nick looked at him in disbelief, his face doing something complicated; but then pulled him into a tight hug.
God, were his hugs amazing. They made Aled feel like as long as he was in his arms, he would be kept away from all harm and hurt.
“What happened?” Nick asked, tone suddenly serious. He pulled away for a moment to look at Aled’s crumpled expression.
“Aled, what happened? Did she..?”
The worst part was that nothing really happened. Nothing worth mentioning at least.
The problem was with Aled for somehow not being able to live up to Carol's expectations or something. But no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't change.
He couldn't change who he was.
“Aled, did she hurt you? Please talk to me.”
Why was Nick so nice to him? Aled didn't deserve it, not after today. Not after he screwed up everything he touched. Not after scarring Daniel, and destroying their relationship.
“’m fine Nick,” he choked out, gradually gaining back control over his shaky voice. “I'm okay, really. Just… had a shit day.”
“Okay, you're okay,” Nick murmured as he caressed Aled’s beautiful long hair. “Just come with me okay? We can drink some tea and watch a movie, anything you need. I know Charlie would love to see you.”
“Okay,” Aled gave in and gently took Nick's waiting hand.
They made it to Charlie's house holding hands, Nick talking about his upcoming rugby match and how much he loved The Avengers and how Nellie ate an entire burger on accident yesterday.
Aled walked close to him, leaning towards his warmth and stability; soaking it up, like he was a dehydrated plant desperate for a few raindrops in the middle of the hottest desert.
---
After greeting Charlie, true to Nick's words, they all drank a cup of tea and settled into the living room to watch Kungfu Panda.
Aled insisted that Nick and Charlie have their planned marathon, but soon gave in when both of them assured him that they rather just spend time with him.
Well, Aled didn't feel like his company was worth much lately, but he decided to keep that thought to himself.
Curled up on the couch between Nick and Charlie dozing off and occasionally laughing at Po’s shenanigans he felt himself relax, letting all of the day's tension evaporate.
“Hey, you know you can stay here for as long as you need, right?” Charlie asked him, still looking at the screen.
Aled felt his throat tighten with emotion as he nodded.
He couldn't fathom the strength to actually give a verbal answer but for once, no one seemed to mind.
He was okay.
He was safe.
He was loved.