Chapter Text
Benedict was in the studio the academy supplied for him; he was looking out the window a permanent frown etched onto his face. It felt utterly wrong to be standing in the academy that he felt wholeheartedly, he did nothing to be in. All the he did was wait for his acceptance letter clueless, while his brother paid the academy to let him have a place in it. Benedict wasn’t an entire idiot and knew that Anthony meant well and no real harm but it felt like a betrayal, especially since he was the last to know about it. He didn’t even hear it from Anthony’s own mouth it was from Rupert; he should thank the man for being mercifully honest with him.
He didn’t expect to be in this situation but he felt like a fool for being in the academy. Did he work his way to earn a place? No, no he did not. Did he have talent? Maybe, on good days. Would anyone of the actual head masters want him here? If it wasn’t for the sum, they were paid they’ve kicked him out a while back. And lastly, did he think he should continue to be in the academy when he didn’t earn his place like everyone else? Even if he wanted to stay, in reality, he would only stay for a week until the guilt overwhelmed him and run him out of here.
So with his mind made up and his little box full of his paints, brushes and palette knifes, he chose to leave the academy. A smart and honest act if anyone asked him. As he walked down the hall seeing empty classes full of unfinished painting, he thought, even if for a mere moment he could just stay. No one would have to know and he could still learn while helping and learning from Tesse. He could even get back to his parties, full of wine charcoal and things that would back Anthony cringe for their reputation.
But just like that the thought, that mere, stupid thought was snuffed by the idea of Anthony. How he went behind his back and paid for his place. He tried, he really did, not to be angry at him but it was hard. He was his brother, someone he trusted, He, himself, could not believe that Anthony betrayed his trust to help him in some twisted way. If only he just talked to him first then he could have had a chance to talk Anthony out of it or even-.
“Benedict?” A whisper catched his notice, he turned to his left to see Tesse with her satchel and pencil case; probably about to leave by the look of it. He waved politely he didn’t want to waste anytime with getting out of here and going home but he didn’t want to be rude to Tesse. She was amazing and talented in her own right, even managed to finally get him to draw something of an acceptable hand.
“Your going aren’t you.” It didn’t sound like a question, neither an accusations but more of an observation. She looked sad, her eyebrows pinching together and her usually teasing smile going upside down. He hated to be the cause of her worries but he could not, would not, stay here a minute longer.
“I don’t think I deserve to be here, Tesse I don’t dare to think what would have happened if my brother didn’t pay for my place.” Benedict looked down at the floor his eyes trailing the cracks, the more he stayed here the more unease he felt. In some twisted way he was... grateful that Anthony paid for his place, that he got to have a true experience in an academy and of merciless criticism. But just because he was grateful of the act did not make it in anyway right.
“Well I think you belong here, with me and Rupert,” Tesse broke the silence and the gap between them, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I would be quite lonely if you left and I would miss you.” It was a nice try, really, but it wasn’t really working.
“I’m glad you think that but I don’t think I properly earn my place here like everyone else.” A scoff echoed against the hall. That...wasn’t what he expected to happen.
“Do you really think that everyone in this entire academy, I mean all 350 students, rightfully earned their place here? That they didn’t bargain or pay their way into this academy?” She tilted her head challenging him to answer, he always loved how she challenged him even in the little drawing matches they use to have.
“I know I’m not the only one in this situation-“
“Then why are you giving up with something that can help inspire you to do better in you work? To help you in your passion?”
“Because I can’t sit in that bloody chair knowing that I didn’t actually get a place here, that my brother paid for my place here. That I wasn’t good enough to earn my place here, that I just let someone else help me in a journey that should have been my own.” Benedict let out a huff, even if ‘some people’ were okay with the fact that they bribed their way into getting what they wanted; He knew that he wasn’t included in ‘some people’ and he was damned if he was going to let himself become one.
“Now I must go home, you should to Tesse.”
“Well it was nice knowing you for the most part” Tesse went in for a hug that Benedict gladly returned, he felt like he owed it to her. For god sake he was leaving her alone, the least he could do was hug her. So that’s what he did, while she was comforting him with her hand in his hair, he was laying a comforting hand on her back.
“Hey, you never know if I might come back and your always free to come to me if you need a model anytime soon.” He tried to get a laugh out of her, to at least brighten up her spirits, only god knew how much Benedict hated a sorrowful goodbye. A chuckle came a moment later,
“God forbid I have to use Rupert as my new model.” Benedict could help but hide his chuckles in her shoulder before they get caught by how loud they were.
~~~
When Benedict walked into his room that night he didn’t expect for company, he expected to be left alone with some nice wine; however God seems to have other plans. Eloise was sitting with her legs up to her chest, she was hugging then, accompanied by my blanket cocooning her. She had her hair down like she use to in Daphne’s season; Benedict couldn’t help to notice that her cheeks were covered with dry tears.
She didn’t even look up when walked in, neither when he looked away and tried to loudly took of his waistcoat and cravat. Trying to signal her that someone was here and too give her a chance to compose herself if she didn’t want Benedict to see her like this. She just continued to look into the fire occasionally sniffling or adjusting the blanket.
After a moment or two Benedict decide not to talk but to rather just silently comfort her. He sat down beside her and gave her a side hug, gently tilting her head to rest on his shoulder and in return he rested his head on hers.
If felt like forever just sitting there and silently comforting his little sister, trying to make her understand that he’s there whenever she needs him without words.
“I don’t know what to do.” She confesses to him but it did nothing to help Benedict understand the situation at hand. What does she not understand? What make this situation worse enough to make her cry?
“You don’t know what to do about what?” He tries to gently nudge her into telling him what happened and how he can help. However to his dismay she only shakes her head and returns her head on his shoulder.
He sighs, he was hoping for an answer but he wasn’t trying to make her talk, he was only trying to be a comforting shoulder to her. But the more he sat in front of the fire holding and comforting his little sister, the more unwanted memories start to flood to his mind.
When it was that dreadful night at Audrey Hall, he was playing tag with Eloise on the deck while his mother laughs and laughs. When he saw Father and Anthony coming back from a hunt, smiling and relaxed until it wasn’t. Like God wanted to plan a trick on the peacefully family. The next thing Benedict knows he’s seeing Mother on her knees with his Father’s body; still and pale. He was ushering anyone he can inside while he, himself tries to grasp the concept of his Father leaving them alone.
It didn’t help that he was only 16 at the time and had a 6 year old Eloise asking what happened. But he was great full that she was at least okay and being attended to by the maid; Mrs Jane if he remembered correctly. He was busy trying to comfort but also get answers from Anthony but it was like pushing a wall that had water behind it. The moment he even tried, Anthony broke down in tears.
“Your mind is wandering, Ben” Eloise gently poked at his ribcage, trying to distract him from his thoughts yet some how know what exactly they are.
“I remember the night after that night, I came running to your room desperate that you let me sleep in your bed for comfort.” She had a wistful look in her eyes and a small smile across her face.
“I’m glad you came to me because I really needed you there as much as you did,“ He whispered back, tears clinging to his eyes. “I remember trying to tell you stories to get you to sleep b-“
“But I criticised every single sentence that came out of your mouth.” Eloise was now chuckling in her hand while Benedict hooks his head hugging her even further. She playfully swatted his arm away while laughing a bit more. It took a while for her breath to come back but when she did, she looked at ease or at least better than when he got here.
“You okay?” He rested his hand on her shoulder. He genuinely needed to know if she was okay because if she wasn’t he was going to squeeze her all night and tell her God awful stories if she wasn’t.
“I am for now at least” Her hand on top of his squeezing it in return. She had a tired smile and still the dry tear marks on her face but Benedict was happy that she was alright at the moment; if she wanted to talk she knew he would always be here.
“That’s good,” he mumbled, more to himself than anything and whipped her face with his sleeve and kissed her head. “Now off to bed before Mother catches you and makes you go dress shopping again.”
He got a melancholy groan out of her.
~~~
When Anthony said to go to Audrey Hall for 3 weeks, after he finally married the right Sharma, Benedict was happy to agree. He needed a distraction and a change of scenery to clear his head, relax and to figure out a plan what he was going to do. He really was out of his depth when he removed himself from the academy but it did leave him with infinite more time than usual. Though he does busy himself with his siblings; annoying Colin, talking to Eloise about books, fencing with Anthony, having tea with his Mother and trying to help Hyacinth with her dancing skill. All in all just trying to enjoy his time away from the ton but as he busied himself he didn’t realise that he stop drawing, paint or even sketching the whole time he was there; not once did he pick up a paint brush or even a pencil. It didn’t surprise him that he wasn’t that excited about drawing but he did not want to drop it as a whole.
So when he found a some free time for himself he grabbed his sketchbook, pencil and sharpening knife and headed to the library of all places. He didn’t know why it was what his feet were leading him to, it was around half eight so the room held a cosy feeling, with the sunset filling the room and the fire place alive and playing with the air around it; it grabbed him and sat him down. He opted to sit near the fire place, his legs over the arm rest and his back resting on the other, he sharpened his pencil, opened his book and started to draw.
But it was like he physically couldn’t draw, not that after one and a half week he lost a bit of his talent. It was like his hand refused to draw, to rather leave the sheet blank. He couldn’t even think on what to draw when he had a glimpse of something in a moment, it was gone in the next.
What he once thought was easy and flowed like water it was now invisible and hard as stone, refusing to appear and reveal its secrets. He did try, really he did, but it wasn’t working even if he changed the way he sat, which seat he sat in, what pencil to use, he tried looking at his previous drawing for inspiration. Yet as the minutes passed by he could not draw something, anything, on that blank page. It was like the page itself was mocking him, refusing to bend to the will of his non-existent ideas.
“Trouble doodling, brother?” A voice drawled out from some corner in the library, even if his back was turn to the voice he already had a good guess as to who it is. Not many people in his family willingly stepped foot into the library.
“Eloise are you haunting me or is it the room?” He knew he was dodging the but he could not help it. It seemed that he was a bit ticked that he could not just draw of all things.
“Eloise isn’t the only one who enjoys a good book from time to time, Ben” Daphne appears to the chair opposite him.
He mockingly clutched his heart and swooned, “Oh! You could have killed me with such a fright!” he ended up ruining the effect as he broke into a smile.
“Oh shush, you could have easily seen me if you weren’t engrossed with your drawing.” The duchess rolling her eyes at her brothers antics.
“To be fair I wasn’t that engrossed to be drawing.” Benedict confessed rubbing a hand through his head to try to at least look less pathetic.
“Yes I could see that,” Oh now, she was raising her eyebrows as well, now he was in for the worrying. “So, what is bothering you so much that you cannot draw? I’ve only ever seen you like this when you started dabbling in the arts.”
“Well...it seems that I am stuck behind a wall.” He got a confused looked in return but it seemed that Daph was trying to put his nonsense into sense.
“It’s like I’m on one side of this big, stone wall and my inspiration and ideas are on the other side of this wall.” He knew he looked slightly less on the sane side with him waving his hands around and his unruly hair but it didn’t matter to his sister as she only sat and tried to see what he saw.
“The worst part is that I can’t see through this great wall, it seems like it’s endless and ever so tall as well. I can not climb not break the wall, It’s like my inspiration has vanished.” As he finished his short rant he felt slightly embarrassed he didn’t mean to be wasting her time or to be that silly with his description of what was blocking him. He turned to see a slightly concerned but patient face.
“Is it because of leaving the Academy?” It was such a blunt question but Ben was glad she wasn’t beating round the bush.
“That might be part of the reason for why this is
happening to me.” He fidgeted with his nails and looked into the fire.
“Well for sure if I knew anyone who was the best with art, in this family, would be you. This could be a time in your life that could possibly pass.” She sounded a lot like their Mother now that Benedict listen to her more, their Mother was a wise and sometimes scary woman if she wanted to be.
“Thank you for the wise words.” He was great full for an outsiders’ perspective to his problem but it didn’t really solve his problem.
“Didn’t you have a painter friend?” Daphne broke his train of thought, the question knocking him off his feet.
“What do you mean sister?” urging her to carry on with her idea.
“Well, I remember you hade this friend, during my season I think, you would come back home late and a joyful smile,” Daphne recalled with a slight smile of her own.” And Tony would end up scolding you the next morning about the family’s reputation.” We both end up chuckling at the memory.
“Do you mean Granville, dear sister?” His name came to mind instantly, oh but how could he forget about the man he insulted the first time they met.
The same man who opened his eyes about the secrets and tragedies about love.
“Yes! That painter, Granville, why don’t you ask for his advice or maybe he could help you in some way?” His amazing, dear sister already knowing the problem for about five minutes trying to find a solution.
“That would be a good idea. However I haven’t spoken to him since the end of your last season.” He admitted
“Why? What happened between the two of you?” Her eyebrow raised and her head tilted to one side. It felt like she was looking right through him.
“I guess we stopped corresponding letters and after awhile we grew apart.” A simple problem to fix if that was the problem.
The real reason as to why he didn’t respond the Granville letter was that he could endure the looks he gave to someone else. How he would get this spark of... something from it and that scared Benedict to his core. So he thought that he would ignore the whole problem all together if he just dodge all and any attempts at socialising to Granville.
“Oh really? You just stopped.” Daphne’s eyes narrowed.
“Yep, ” with a pop of his lips. “ Just stopped one day.”
He tried to busy himself with looking at the fire, his pencil, scratching the already tender sides of his finger nail. Anything not to look at her keen gaze that somehow sees and knows all.
She hummed and that answer already seems worser than an answer with words. She get up straightens her immaculate dress and makes to walk to the door but stops. She turns and says,
“Well I think you should give it a shot, you seemed happy when you’re doing your art.” She smiles at me and walks away to get duke.
I smile back while already preparing myself to the artist I’m going to meet back home.