Chapter Text
Jim opened his eyes and blinked when he realized he was surrounded by darkness. He couldn’t see anything. Great. He got up from the ground and frowned. What the hell? Jim walked slowly with his arms extended in front of him, trying to touch something. He didn't want to trip and fall to the ground.
Huh. A dark place with nothing in it.
No matter how much he walked, he couldn’t find anything. That place was completely empty. No walls, no stairs, no persons. Nothing at all. And no matter how hard he tried to find a door or something to get out of there, he couldn’t. Why? He sighed. He was in a dark place with no lights and it seem like it wasn’t a way out of there. Why these things have to happen to me?
He covered his face and started walking again. He would find something eventually. He didn’t know what, but it couldn’t be possible that he didn't see anything in that place.
“Why?”
He took another step, but didn't feel the ground beneath him. He fall down, screaming and praying not to die, until he stopped and landed on a slightly hard ground. Great. Where am I now? He touched the snow that was surrounded him and sighed. Wait. Snow? He opened his eyes. Oh no. He realized what was happening and he felt his heart aching. He -better said, a reflection of him- was on his knees, in the snow, with one arm wrapped around his stomach, looked at the changeling who was grabbing the explosives.
Nononono. Jim started panicking, even before anything happened. Not again. This can’t happen again. He couldn't see him sacrificing himself one more time. He couldn’t handle losing his father. In the first timeline his death broke his heart. And every time he reset time after he died, another part of him died with him.
"You know, Jim? I once tried to kill you. I really did. And now…” he rested a hand on his shoulder. "Well... I've never felt so good about failing” he rubbed Jim's hair while smiling.
Jim's eyes glazed when he felt that touch in his own hair and he held back a sob, with tears falling from his eyes. He didn't want to look, but he couldn't look away. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t turned his head or close his eyes. And the worst thing was that he couldn't move to try to stop Strickler neither.
“No! No!” the other Jim tried to get up, his arm still around his stomach, but he fell back to the ground, without being able to prevent Strickler’s sacrifice “I shouldn't have risked it, like you said”
“I was wrong, young Atlas. Ask you not to be a hero is like asking the sun not to rise" he shook his wings to remove the ice “Take care of Barbara for me, young Atlas”
No, come on, move. Jim's breathing became more difficult and touched his chest, tears falling from his eyes. Get up. Dang it.
"No” he whispered. He tried to stop the changeling from doing what he was thinking, but it was pointless. “Stop” he said, as if that could change anything. But it didn’t. Strickler started flying towards the ice titan and hearing him was impossible. There was nothing he could do. He would have to see his father dying again, and once again, he would be incapable of avoiding it.
“Strickler no!”
The other Jim screamed and stared at the snow, almost holding back his tears and his sobs, hugging himself. He knew what his other self was feeling. Pain. Pain and guilt.
He saw the ice titan forming again and starting walking to Arcadia, and it that moment he fully realized what just happened. His father died. His father sacrificed himself to stop Skrael and it was useless. Strickler’s death was in vain.
Jim felt his heart break again and the tears he was trying to hold back fell from his eyes. No. No. Not again. He hugged himself. Please not again. He squeezed his arms, trembling. Tell me it isn’t true. Strickler couldn’t leave him. He couldn’t leave him again. This can’t be happening. He screamed, so loudly that he thought he would tear his throat.
Jim blinked when he realized he was in Arcadia, no longer in Antarctica, and he saw the fire titan collapsed in front of him. No. There was another version of him who moved through the ruins of the fire titan and he felt his chest hurting. No. Breathing started being difficult for him, and although his other self found his best friend, he couldn’t calm down. The other Jim lifted the stone that fell on top of Toby and his heart skipped a beat. Nothing changed. His friend was still hurt, still injured, with cuts all over his face. He seemed dead. His heart stopped. Not again.
"Oh no..." the other Jim muttered.
"No!" Claire shouted behind him.
Jim’s heart beated faster. His whole body was shaking, and he didn't know how he was able to stand without collapsing. His friend couldn’t die again. He couldn’t see him die one more time.
"Wingman" muttered Aaarrrgghh.
Aaarrrgghh looked at Toby with terror-filled eyes, and the other Jim reached out his hand to his best friend's, gripping it lightly. His eyes glazed over, and when he was going to scream from the pain of losing Toby, he felt someone touching his hand. He looked at it, before looking back at the other Jim and Toby. Toby was squeezing the hand of his other self. Toby… I’m sorry.
The other Jim seemed surprised and got a little closer to Toby. "Tobes..." he said slightly hopeful. Jim knew what he was thinking. If he is awake it is a good sign, right? But it was too late. He couldn’t save him, no matter how hard he wanted.
"Jimbo… Did we saved the world?" Toby asked weakly.
You saved it. It was your idea to use anti-magic machine against Bellroc. If his best friend hadn’t have that idea, he was sure the world would definitely have ended. But he saved them. He was going to lose to Bellroc, but Toby decided to use that machine before Bellroc could finish the spell. He protected the world, and he saved his life.
And even then, he couldn’t do the same for him.
"Yeah, we did. Tobes, we'll fix you. We'll get you a doctor or magic or alien tech"
Jim's voice sounded broken. And Jim knew he was desperate. It can’t be the end. Jim was thinking. I lost my father, I can’t lose my best friend too. But the other Jim couldn’t do anything. His friendship would end with the death of his friend. And even if he wanted to heal Toby, there was nothing that could prevent his death.
"No" Jim tightened his grip on Toby's hand.
"Master Jim, I'm afraid..." Blinky said behind him, and Jim could feel the pain in his voice.
"No! There's gotta be a way! There's always a way!" Jim shouted with a broken voice, almost crying. He looked at Blinky for a couple of seconds and then looked back at Toby. Jim knew the other Jim refused to lose his best friend, but he went through the same thing one time and he could do nothing. He hated to admit it, but his friend was… meant to die in that place "Here, take this." Jim took off the amulet and grabbed his friend's arm so he could hold it "Use this. You can't just give up"
"I'm not giving up, Jimbo" he pushed his hand away, not wanting to take the amulet.
You are.You did give up. Jim hugged himself. Instead of trying to go on, instead of fighting, he decided to surrender, as if his own life wasn’t at stake. As if everything they went through didn’t matter, as if he didn’t care about how Jim’s heart would break because of his death. Did he really meant nothing to his friend? Did he really had not to grab the amulet?
Jim didn’t understand. If their friendship was worth it, if his life was worth it (he sacrificed himself for him, after all) why didn’t he choose to live?
Why did he choose to die instead of trying to stay awake and alive?
"You taught me that" he looked at their friends, who were behind Jim "You all taught me so much, gave me so much"
"Wingman" said Aaarrrgghh with a broken voice.
"It's okay, buddy" Toby looked at Aaarrrgghh and then at the other Jim.
"Please, Tobes, you can't leave me. You've always been with me"
Jim’s tears slid down his cheeks and he brought Toby's hand to his cheek. Jim also felt his own eyes fill with tears and hugged himself. All of that had to be a nightmare. Nothing of that could be real. He had to be dreaming or hallucinating. He couldn’t be seeing the death of Toby if he was already dead. Or maybe-
No. Jim hugged himself tighter. Don’t go there. But it was too late. He thought about that moment and he couldn’t avoid thinking it was real. What if he failed? What if that wasn’t just a nightmare? What if he made a mistake and he killed his father, Nomura, Draal and his best friend again? What if he had to travel back in time a one hundred first time?
"Always have been, always will be" Toby said with a broken and weak voice. Jim tried to close his eyes. No. Don’t say that. He shranked. Please, don’t leave us again, Tobes. If there was something he could do to save his friend, he would do it, but as well as with Strickler, he couldn’t move. Don’t leave me again.
"It was the two of us at the start. It'll be the two of us at the end" the other Jim’s lips trembled.
"It's okay, Jimbo. I didn't think" he looked up "I became" he closed his eyes.
Jim stopped feeling a touch of his hand and then he realized what happened. No. No Tobes. His heart broke into pieces. He felt like a part of him died with his best friend. The other Jim leaned over to hug him and screamed his name desperately, as if it would make Toby wake up. As if that could bring him back to life. Jim wished he could hold Toby too. But instead of that, he bit his lower lip, trying not to cry. Losing him destroyed his heart in ways he couldn’t describe. Toby was his best friend, who always was there for him, who saved his life, who was part of his family. He cared so much about him and now he was… gone.
When he opened his eyes, after seeing the deaths of Draal, Nomura and Vendel too, he realized he wasn’t on Earth anymore. He was back in that dark place, and there wasn’t any light yet. The first time being there didn’t make him feel cold nor lonely, but remembering the loss of Strickler, Toby and Draal and see the deaths of Nomura and Vendel was too much. He couldn’t handle it.
"Jim..." he heard a voice. He knew who was that. It was-
“- D-draal?” his voice sounded broken. He didn’t know if it was because Draal was there or because he saw the deaths of his family.
“Trollhunter”
He felt his eyes filled with tears.
“Draal!” he tried to find him but in that dark place, he couldn’t see where his friend was “Where are you?!”
“I’m here!”
“I can’t see you! Talk more so I can find you!”
Draal did what he told him to do. The troll talked more and he followed his voice, until he saw a light around his friend and he finally found him.
“Jim”
“Draal” he couldn’t avoid running to him and when Draal’s arms wrapped around him he felt like he was finally safe “I- I’m sorry-” he almost couldn’t hold back his tears “It was my fault- If I hadn’t been so reckless- If I didn’t do what I did you’ll be alive”
“Yes, that’s why I ask you-” he tightened the hug, almost not letting him breathe “-why did you let me die?!”
Jim pushed him away, not believing what Draal said and he paralyzed when he saw the anger in his face. No. He hadn’t seen that expression on his face in a long time. Not since he was his rival and not his friend. Don’t tell me he forgot what happened between us. When Draal was going to grab his arms he turned around and started running as fast as he could. What was that? Why did he act like he hated him?
Why did Draal blame him for what happened to him?
Suddenly he bumped into someone. He fell to his knees and looked up. Nomura was there. Oh Deya. Nomura was there. She was sitting on the ground, with her arms around her knees, without looking at him. She seemed like she was lost in her thoughts, as if she wasn’t aware he was there with her.
“Nomura?” he asked, waving a hand in front of her face.
“Little gynt” Nomura just said.
“I- Do you know what’s this place?”
“You should know that” Nomura slightly frowned “After all, here’s the place where all your ‘loved ones’ are. If you want to call us ‘loved ones’” she smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile “After all we did for you- you just let us die instead of saving us” she stayed silent for a few seconds “Little gynt, do you even love us?” she seemed in pain, until she got up from the ground and lift one of her swords, looking at him with anger “Why did you let me die after what I did for you?!”
Nomura almost attacked him, but he ran away before she could do anything.
“If you want to call us ‘loved ones’”
No.
“After all we did for you, you just let us die instead of saving us.”
No.
“Do you even love us?”
Jim tried so hard not to cry while he was running away from the changelling. Why did she say something like that to him? Why did she asked him if he loved them? Of course he did, he was trying to save them just for that reason. He wouldn’t risk his mental stability just to save persons he didn’t care about.
He finally stopped after a few minutes and sighed. She didn’t seem like she was following him anymore. And then-
“You just let me die as I meant nothing to you!”
-he saw Nomura’s face in front of him.
He screamed and backed away, with his arms in front of him. He knew that wasn’t going to avoid Nomura from attacking him, but doing that made him feel more safe (even if he knew he wasn’t actually safe)
“Nomura-”
He cut himself off when his back collided with someone's chest and he turned around, fearing it was Draal again, but it wasn’t.
It was Toby.
"Tobes...” tears fell from his eyes when he grabbed Toby's arms, relieved. If there was a person who could -and would- comfort him and keep him safe, it was definitely his best friend. He wouldn’t blame him for something he couldn’t control.
“Hey, Jimbo” he said with a little smile.
“Tobes, I’m sorry” he fell to the ground and Toby fell with him “I’m so sorry” Jim felt arms around him and he clinged to Toby, trying not to cry “You weren’t supposed to die”
A few seconds after saying those words, he heard Toby talking again “But I did”
He felt his body cold and he got slightly away from his friend. He wasn’t looking at him like his best friend would. He was looking at him with pain, anger, and coldness. “What did you-?”
“I was there for everything” he grabbed his arms tightly “I always supported you and you failed me" he frowned “You let your best friend die!”
“No…” Jim felt his lips tremble.
“You did” he got closer to him “You killed me, Jimbo”
“No!”
No matter how much it hurt him to do it, he pushed his friend away and started running again. He couldn’t believe it. Nomura, Draal, and Toby. All of them blamed him for what happened in the past. Even Toby. His best friend, who told him that it wasn’t his fault the first time he died, said he killed him.
You killed me, Jimbo.
You killed me, Jimbo.
You killed me, Jimbo.
His heart was breaking more each time he traveled back in time and all he got was his loved ones saying it was his fault. Even Tobes, who always supported him?
You know you deserve it.
He stumbled again when he heard that voice in his mind, but before he could hit the ground someone caught him in their arms. He looked up. Those green eyes and those wings were recognizable anywhere. Strickler. It was Strickler. No. He tried to get away from him. Of all the persons, he couldn’t bear him also saying it was his fault. He closed his eyes, not being able to see the anger nor the dissapointment in his face. Last time he saw coldness and hate in his eyes they were enemies. He didn’t want to see that look in Strickler again, much less in that moment.
“Young Atlas-”
“No-” he cut him off, grabbing his arms “Please” his eyes filled with tears “Don’t say anything”
“Jim-”
“Don’t say it’s my fault” he sobbed “I know it was my fault, okay? I know I should have done it better, I know I should have saved you. But I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t” he trembled “And If you say it’s my fault I-”
“Young Atlas, let me-”
“No. No”
Jim pushed Strickler before he could say anything else and ran away from him, feeling tears sliding down his cheeks. If he was going to blame him, and was going to attack him, he preferred to be away from him. He wouldn’t handle Nomura, Draal, Toby and Strickler saying everything was his fault.
"You let us all die, Jim!"
He suddenly heard Steve’s voice and he paralyzed.
No.
“Again and again!”
No.
That was Eli.
“You didn't stop it not even one time!”
No.
Those voices were the voices of his three professors. Even them blamed him.
“You killed us!”
No.
Those were Mary and Darci.
“You don’t deserve being the trollhunter”
No.
And those were Aja and Krel.
“How could you let us die?!
“You made us suffer!”
Jim held his breath. He couldn't believe that Claire and her mother blamed him for their deaths too. He knew he killed them and everyone else, as he told Strickler, but knowing his mother and his girlfriend also blamed him only made him feel worse. He failed them all. He should have protected them. He screwed up over and over again and he shouldn't have let them die, but he didn't know how to fix it. Because saving them was so hard.
He fell to the ground, with his knees close to his chest, and covered his ears, trying not to hear the yells of his classmates, friends, and teachers. How could he avoid them from dying? How could he avoid such a terrible fate for them, for the world? He didn’t know. There was nothing he could do. He tried everything but succeeding was impossible. No matter how many times he tried, he never achieved his goal. And he was done.
“You should have died!” Barbara shouted.
Those words make Jim just broke.
“I KNOW! I should have died instead of you!” he cried.
His eyes opened and he sat up quickly. He was in his bed, covered with a blanket, gripping it with his fingers. His cheeks were wet, and he vaguely realized that everything that happened was just a nightmare, but that didn't make him calm down. He just kept crying. Why? Why everything has to be like this?
He heard a noise near him and looked up. Bellroc was there. Bellroc was there. He got up from the bed and tried to grab his amulet before realizing it was broken. No. It can’t be true. Without thinking, he attacked the Arcane Order member, who knocked him to the ground and pinned his wrists behind his back. They forced him to see through the window and he paralyzed. No. There were flames everywhere. There were cars burning, people screaming, and he saw his mother near to Strickler, waving a hand to indicate the road that people had to follow to leave the town. Jim’s eyes filled with tears. His mother decided to be a hero and save the citicizens of Arcadia Oaks, even when she was herself in danger, closer to the flames. Oh no. He tried to get free of Bellroc’s grip to save his friends and family, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t help them. No. Don’t do this to me.
"This is what you get... being the Troll Hunter, boy" Bellroc whispered in his ear.
Jim screamed, and his eyes opened again. Only then did he realize that what happened with Bellroc was just another nightmare. For Deya. He covered his face when he saw that the sunlight. He had two consecutive nightmares? He looked at the amulet, fearing that it wasn’t in his bedroom, but it was there, completely fine. It’s not broken. He grabbed it, bringng it closer to his chest. Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you just make me happy instead of hurting me?
He closed his eyes, trying to control his emotions. When Jim calmed down, he got out of bed to see if everything was still in order in his house. His mother was still sleeping, which he was grateful for. At least I didn’t wake her up. He sighed, standing still in front of one window of the ground floor. There wasn’t anything weird in his house or outside his house that made him think all was real.
But even knowing everything was okay, those nightmares made him not want to go to school. He normally liked it because he would see Toby and Claire, but after what happened, realize he had to stay away from them to keep them safe, going to Arcadia Oaks High Schol was the worst thing that could happen to him after having nightmares. He wanted someone to make him happy and someone who could protect him, but being closer to him would only hurt that person. And the last thing he wanted was to hurt someone more than he already did. He preferred his loved ones to stay alive and be happy, even if it was without him. Even if he had to suffer alone.
* * *
After preparing the lunch to his mother and himself, he left the tray on the side table of the room of his mother and went down the stairs. He stayed for a while in front of his door, watching the surroundings. He remembered what happened to that place before the last time he traveled back in time. Everything was destroyed, and the house of Toby and his own house were unrecognizable. Although it didn’t happened before, the ninety-ninth time, the fire titan almost destroyed Arcadia completely. But before they could win, he grabbed the time stone and went to the past.
He sighed, grabbing the handlebars of his bike. He was relieved he did it on time. If he didn’t get the time stone, there wouldn’t have been another chance of saving his friends and family. Everything would be completely lost.
And he would hate himself even more than he already was hating himself.
He closed his eyes and shook his head. It wasn’t the moment of thinking of what almost happened. It was the moment of thinking about what could happen. What would happen if he didn’t win. He would lost his mother, his best friend, his girlfriend (no- she wasn’t his girlfriend no matter how much he wanted her to be it) or someone else he cared about. And he wasn’t willing to allow that. He had to win. He had to win.
He repeated those words in his mind again and again while he was going to the school. If he thought about winning he would end up winning, right? If he thought about his victory and not about his defeat then he would win the Arcane Order.
When he found himself in Arcadia Oaks High and sat down in his chair he noticed Toby wasn’t there. At first he thought something happened to him and started thinking what did he do wrong, what did he do to hurt Toby, but later he realized. His friend wasn’t in the school because he was at the dentist.
But it didn’t matter.
Even if he was in school with him, he would stay away. He would be more safe. If Toby were his friend and stayed with him-
A broken voice said “Don’t leave me”
Another voice answered weakly “I’m sorry”
A cold hand.
A warm hand that squeezed the other hand, trying to push the warmth through it.
A heart that wasn’t beating.
A heart that broke into million pieces.
A scream that almost torn their throat.
Bloodshot eyes.
And closed eyes that wouldn’t open again.
-it would happen something he didn’t want to happen again.
Something he didn’t want to think about.
He didn’t want to go through the same pain again.
He wouldn’t be capable of handle it.
* * *
When he was going to enter the classroom of his first class, he just realized it was the day of the try-outs for Romeo and Juliet. He stood still. He knew he wasn’t going to participate in the play that time, but he couldn’t stop himself from going to the school gym to see Claire’s audition. He didn’t want her to saw him as a weird person, but there was nothing wrong with seeing one of his classmates acting, right?
He slightly opened the door and rubbed his eyes to stop the tears from falling. Claire was in the stage, talking. Breathing. Her heart was beating, and she had the bright in her eyes she always had before dying. Before she closed her eyes and never opened them again. Stop.
He needed to stop doing that. He couldn’t think about the deaths of his mother, his father, his best friend, his girlfriend, or anyone. Not in the school. Not when everyone could see him crying. If he needed to break down, he would do it in private, when there was no one near him who would know how damaged he was.
“-and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all of the world will be in love with night”
Damn.
He heard the applause of his classmates and his math professor, Mr. Janeth, and sighed. He went there to hear her, not to be lost in his thoughts.
“Talking to her would be more useful than staring at”
Suddenly hearing a voice made him close the door without thinking and he held his breath, his heart was beating faster, until he saw his professor behind him. He calmed down. It was just Strickler. Why did he think he was a threat? He wouldn’t hurt him, for Deya. Not again, at least. And there weren’t any other persons in the school who would want to hurt him. There wasn’t any Bular or Gunmar in Arcadia Oaks High School. Why did he reacted as if someone would have wanted to hurt him?
“Mr. Strickler? What are you..?” he realized what Strickler said and blinked, confused “Staring at?”
“Ms. Nuñez. You fancy her, don’t you?” he stated.
Fancy her?
Oh, Strickler. If you only knew. He didn’t just fancy her. He loved her. And how could he be able not to do so? She was beautiful, in the outside and in the inside. She was strong, awesome, and she could make him feel emotions no one else could make him feel. When he was a troll, she was one of the only persons that could make him feel normal again. She, as well as Toby, were the ones who made him feel human again instead of a monster.
And the only thing he wanted was to hold her in his arms and be hold by her too (after all that happened to him he just needed a hug, a real hug, not something similar to what he had in the nightmares), but he knew he couldn’t. Not after what happened to her. Not after how much he hurt her throughout all the timelines, especially the sixty-first time.
Jim’s heart stopped when he saw Claire, unconscious, in the arms of Aaarrrgghh, with a white highlight in her hair. He got closer to them and touched Claire’s cheek to woke her up, but she didn’t react. She didn’t move, not even a little. No. Don’t tell me she is… After a few seconds, he heard a cough and looked at his girlfriend, relieved. She is okay. Her eyes was opened, and she grabbed his hand, so that made him feel all would be fine.
“Hey” Jim said with a little smile “Are you okay?”
“Hi-”
Before she could say anything else, she started coughing and covered his mouth. Aaarrrgghh gently left her in the ground and Jim got closer to her to put a hand in one of her shoulders, trying to comfort her and calm her down. He didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t a wizard or anything like that to avoid her from coughing.
When Claire finally stopped, he sighed, and looked at Blinky who was glancing at them skittishy. Someone gasped and he turned to Claire again. She watched her hand and Jim held his breath when he saw what had made her so nervous. It was blood. A lot of blood.
“Claire…” he whispered, terrified.
“I-” her eyes were unfocused and he caught her in his arms before she could hit her head on the ground.
“Claire!” he cried.
“Jim-” she coughed again.
“Nononono-” he hugged her tightly and looked at Blinky “Blinky! She needs help! Please!”
His eyes were wide-opened, until Aaarrrgghh shooked one of his shoulders and Blinky ran through the crowd, trying to find a troll that could help them to heal Claire before it was too late. Before there was nothing they could do to save her.
“Jim I-” Claire weakly said.
“No-” Jim cut her off “Don’t say anything-” he felt his eyes filled with tears.
“Jim let me talk-” Claire lift a hand and put it in Jim’s face, caressing Jim’s cheek, wiping away the tears “Don’t cry for me- It will be okay”
“No it won’t, Claire. Don’t lie. You’re hurt and-”
“Jim-” she looked determined “If something goes wrong-”
“No- I can’t lose-”
“-if something goes wrong” she ignored how Jim cut her off “remember- remember how much I love you” she smiled weakly “Rememeber this won’t be the end. Remember that even if I die-”
“Don’t say that- Please” he sobbed “Blinky!” he cried “Come back before- before-”
Before it’s too late.
Before I lose her.
She couldn’t die. She was his girlfriend, losing her was unnaceptable. But if Blinky didn’t come back in time then she would- No. She wouldn’t die. Not again. Not like his friend, and definitely not like his father did. Not like all his loved ones did.
He grabbed the amulet and the hand of Claire and tried to make her grab it. Toby didn’t accept being Merlin’s champion the first time he wanted him to do so, but Claire couldn’t do the same. She had to make a different choice. She had to choose to live. Himself being the trollhunter wasn’t as important as keeping Claire alive.
“Claire grab this”
“No Jim. Don’t-” she coughed, spitting blood, and Jim felt a cold through his body. He didn’t know if it was because of her denial to accept the amulet or because there was even more blood than before.
“Nonono- Don’t leave me. Claire, don’t leave me”
“Jim-” she said more weakly “Jim- Remember- Remember that whatever happens- I’ll always love you. No matter what- No matter what world we are from- No matter what timeline- My heart will always belong to yours”
No.
Don’t say that.
It was a goodbye, Jim knew it, he knew she was about to die and there was nothing they could do (because even if Blinky came back on time, there was no guarantee Claire would be healed) but he refused to accept it. He refused to let her go. She couldn’t die. Not her. He couldn’t handle it.
He wouldn’t handle it. He was sure he wouldn’t bear living a life without her. Last time she died he could do it just because he saw her safe and alive almost inmediatly after traveling back in time. But if she died then, after creating her ultimate portal, he would have to become a troll, fight Gunmar and defeat Morgana and all of his enemies without her help. Without her being there, being the light in his life that avoid him from falling to the darkness. There was no way he could be mentally stable after she died.
“Jimbo”
He looked at Toby with eyes filled with tears. Toby was glancing at him with disbelief, as if he couldn’t believe something.
“What?” his voice sounded broken.
“Jimbo- I-” he didn’t say anything else, just pointed to Claire.
Jim looked at her again and he paralyzed when he saw her without moving. With her eyes closed. He realized he couldn’t feel Claire’s grip in his hand and when he looked better at her, he noticed she was pale.
No.
No.
“Nonononono-” he cradled her in his arms “No- Claire, don’t do this to me please-”
“Jimbo-”
“No! No! Claire wake up!” he cried “Please don’t die. Don’t die on me. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you” he whispered, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. Her heart wasn’t beating “No” he sobbed “No” he hold her tighter.
“Jim-”
“No” he ignored Aaarrrgghh’s voice and looked at Claire, touching his cheek “Please, open your eyes, Claire” he pressed their lips together, not caring about the taste of the blood, and after a few second he got away. It was the real world, not a fairy tale, but he wished he could wake up. She had to wake up “Claire, come on, stop pretending you’re dead. Stop-”
A sobbed cut off his sentence and he closed his eyes. He cried, hugging her tightly, not wanting to let her go.
No.
No.
This can’t be happening.
This can’t be true.
Please.
“Jim, are you okay?” Strickler asked.
Jim shooked his head and when he saw Claire in the stage, alive, he noticed he was just lost in his thoughts. Claire was fine. Everyone was fine. He didn’t ruin anything yet. And while he was looking at his ex-girlfriend, he knew why he wanted to stay away from his loved ones.
He couldn’t deal with their deaths again, much less hers. After the death of Claire, he didn’t live. He just survived. Nothing could make him feel happy again, and every day he had nightmares. Nightmares about her dying in his arms. Nightmares about her dying because he killed her. Nightmares about her saying everything was his fault. That hurt him a lot, but he deserved it for leting her die. And when he finally traveled back in time, he tried so hard not to hug Claire after seeing her. He learned the lesson when he wished someone else would have been chosen as the trollhunter and he ruined the relationship he had with Claire, making her think he was a creep. Not again. No matter how much he wanted to tell her everything that happened between them, he didn’t want her to think he was crazy.
He sighed again and finally realized his professor asked him a question. He asked me if I am okay. Oh no. Then he actually realized what was happening. His professor was there, and he saw him nearly crying. He hugged himself, trying to hold back the tears.
Strickler already asked him the same question two times. And the answer wouldn’t change. He would say “I’m okay” without thinking, with a fake smile, not wanting him to find out about his secrets.
“I’m okay, Mr. Strickler”
You don’t have to worry.
“You don’t have to worry” he faked a smile.
“Jim-” Strickler looked at him with his arms crossed. Jim knew he didn’t believe in him, but he needed to try to convince him even if it was worthless “-I think I need to talk to your mother”
At first he just stood still, not thinking about anything. Later he thought yes, almost smiling, but then he just thought no. He wanted him to stay away from his mother. Not because he didn't want them to be together. He did, but they couldn’t be a couple for a long time. He didn’t want her to know about the troll’s world yet, and if they were in a relationship, Barbara would end up discovering it. She would know Strickler was a changeling and then she would be in danger.
His professor made his mother happy in the first timeline (and in the next timelines) and he filled the hole in their hearts, that his father created when he abandoned them, but it was better for her to stay away from him.
For her safety.
He also had to find a way for Strickler, despite being a changeling, to get away from the troll’s world as well. Even if he had to convince him to leave that city after fighting against Bular, he needed him to leave. And not return until defeating the Arcane Order. He didn't want him to die either. He couldn't watch him die not even one more time.
That’s why he said “No”
“No?” Strickler asked, confused.
Stay away from my mom. He was going to say that, but before he could say those words, he talked without thinking.
“Don’t talk to her. She is already too stressed. I don’t want her to worry about me too”
And he surprised himself, because he actually wasn’t lying. She was stressed and she wasn’t happy. She had to work in the hospital more hours than she needed to just because she had to raise him without the help of anyone (that’s why he decided to help her doing the household chores) and he didn’t want to pressure her with more worries. She already was going through enough bad things, compared to her, his suffering could be bearable.
“Jim-”
“Please, Mr. Strickler. I don’t want her to feel worse. I’ll do anything, just don’t tell her-”
“Jim, calm down, it’s okay” he touched his shoulder.
He looked at Strickler and he almost started crying. This is definitely not a dream. The concern in his eyes, and the way he touched gently his shoulder were only typical of Strickler. The real Strickler, not a hallucination or a nightmare.
“I won’t tell her anything-”
Jim had to hold back a smile.
“-but I’ll talk to her if you start feeling overwhelmed, okay?”
“Yes, I understand”
“Now go to your class. I believe you are already late”
“Thank you, Mr. Strickler”
Jim smiled to him, and when he got away from Strickler enough, he sighed, relieved, and let himself fall to the ground. It worked.
What he didn’t know was that after he walked away from him, Strickler frowned, looking at his student even more concerned than before.
* * *
After coming home, he sighed again. School day was terrible. First, he couldn’t see Claire audition because she was lost in his thoughts, later he remembered her death and he almost started crying in front of Strickler -and that would be horrible-, and to end the day in the best way possible, when he was in the classes of Uhl, Mr. Janeth and the coach Lawrence, he almost fell asleep.
And falling asleep would probably mean having nightmares again.
Screaming again, with tears falling from his eyes.
And he couldn’t allow that.
A knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts. Huh. It wasn't the kitchen door. It was the front door, so the doubted the trolls were already there. And Blinky and Aaarrrgghh weren’t the ones who would knock, of all the things. Was it his mother? He got up from the ground, hid the amulet in his pocket so no one could see the blue glow, and walked towards the door. He knew it was a mistake when he opened it. In front of him was Toby, with his arms crossed. No. He couldn't be there.
He was going to meet the trolls in a while, and he couldn’t allow Blinky nor Aaarrrgghh to see Toby, much less let Toby see them.
“Hey, Jimbo, how was the school without me? Did you get bored?” he said with a little smile.
“This isn't a good time, Toby" Jim said.
“You're my best friend, and I want to talk to you” he seemed confused.
“I’m being serious, Toby. It’s not a good time to talk” Jim looked at the kitchen door “Will you please go?”
“Why are you looking there?" Toby asked, frowning “What is in the kitchen? What are you hiding?
"Nothing” Jim slightly closed the door so Toby couldn’t see the trolls even if they were there “Toby, I need you to go”
“But why? You always told me everything. Why-?
"Is it so damn hard to understand that I don't want you here?!" he shouted, praying that his yell would make Toby go away.
“Jimbo- What-?” Toby looked at him surprised.
“Get out of my house! Now! I don’t want to talk to you!” he hit the door frame, not caring about hurting himself.
"Oh..." Toby muttered.
Jim felt his heart break when he saw the tears falling from Toby's eyes, and only then he realized what did he do, but it was already too late to apologize. His friend ran to his house. Jim closed the door and Jim brought his injured hand to his chest. What did I do? He leaned against the door. I yelled at him. I yelled at Toby. He covered his eyes with his hands and fell to the ground, trying to stop the tears from falling. He is my friend. Why did I do that?
He was broken inside. Shattered. But that wasn’t a reason to treat Toby like that. He was his best friend, and he always told Toby everything. And even if that time he couldn’t do it to keep him safe, yelling at him wasn’t something he should have done.
It was mistake.
He shouldn’t have done it.
But you won’t hurt him if you keep him away from you.
“Shut up” he said to himself, not wanting to hear that voice he already had heard two times.
He went to the kitchen and he saw Blinky getting closer to the door just then. Unlike the first timeline, he didn't wait for them to come in. He didn’t want his mother to think something was wrong in his house again.
He went to his garden, closing the door after leaving a note on the table saying that he went out to do something important and would be back as soon as possible. He knew his mother would be home in a while and he didn’t want to scare her making her think he was hurt.
“Master Jim!” Blinky exclaimed, laughing “I knew it was a matter of time before the amulet called to us”
Jim hugged himself and squeezed his arms tightly. If he tried it enough, maybe the physical pain would make him not be centered in the emotional pain. It would be certainly not good if he showed the trolls he wasn’t just an ordinary human who only found out the trolls’ world when Merlin’s amulet chose him.
“Called to you?” Jim held back a sad smile. Do you really think that’s believable, Blinky?
“Actually, no. We have been spying on you" he admitted almost in a whisper, as if it were something that was not meant to be heard.
Oh, he perfectly knew about keeping things in secret, that no one could know.
"Spy on you” said Aaarrrgghh, pointing his middle and index fingers at his eyes and then pointing them at Jim, meaning that they were watching him.
"Well, keeping a close watch” Blinky said. A few seconds later, he spoke again “Master Jim, we must begin your training. You have to protect our worlds”
Again.
And again.
And again.
He had to do that every timeline. Non-stop. Without any timeline to just rest. He wanted everything to just stop.
You don’t have to keep doing this, you know?
“Protect our worlds. From what, exactly?” he ignored the voice in his head. He knew he had to fight trolls, goblins and those creatures who wanted to destroy the world, but he had to act like he didn’t know anything about their world.
“The bad trolls. As well as goblins, gruesomes and the occasional rogue gnome” Blinky stayed quiet for a few seconds “The mantle of trollhunter is a sacred responsibility, one which has never been passed to a human before. This is a momentous occasion”
A momentous occasion.
A momentous occasion?
There wasn’t any “special” thing about a human being chosen
About him being chosen.
“If I am the first human trollhunter, who or what were the previous trollhunters?” Jim asked. Even if he knew everything they were saying, he had to pretend like he didn't know anything, right?
“The glorious mantle has been passed from troll to troll for hundreds of years”
Then why did you choose a human?
Why me?
Why did you have to make my life impossible?
“What happened to the last hunter?”
"He fell" Aaarrrgghh stated.
“Fell?” after a few seconds, he acted like he just realized something, looking at them surprised “Wait. He died?”
"He turned into stone and they smashed him" Blinky said. He seemed hurt for that fact “Kanjigar the Courageous was his name. Brutally slain by a ruthless troll named Bular”
“And I have to face that Bular”
He mentally sighed. Why did he had to be bad? Why couldn’t Bular let go of his hate and anger towards humans -his father could do the same too- and realize humans weren’t bad anymore? People changed. Humans had the ability to change and they did. Why the gumm-gumm couldn’t understand that?
Why hold his anger for so long when it wouldn’t solve anything?
They hated them for a long time, and for what? Would that make someone feel better? No. It wouldn’t. It would only cause more pain. It would only make persons feel worse. If there was something he learned throughout all the time resets was that the hate wasn’t worth it. He wouldn’t pretend he didn’t hate Bular or Gunmar in the first timeline, but now he was more tired than angry. Tired of them being bad. Tired of them wanting to kill all the trollhunters. Tired of them wanting to bring the Eternal Night.
And after all he went through, he didn’t have the will to hate them more than he did in some of the previous timelines.
Then why do you hate yourself so much?
“Indeed” Blinky said “We must train you before you face him”
“How much time do I have?” Jim asked. Before Blinky or Aaarrrgghh could say something, he talked again “In terms of human days”
Blinky stayed silent for a moment “Just a couple”
“Oh, great” Jim whispered. He still couldn’t believe that whoever would be chosen as the trollhunter, they only had a few days to train when trolls had decades to do the same “But can we start tomorrow? It’s school night”
And I’m not sure how much I can hold back the tears if you stay here for longer.
“I'm assure you, the relevance escapes me” Blinky said, seeming confused by what he said.
“I’m fifteen years old. I have to stay home to study, do my homework and-” Jim thought about what more he could say, until he finally talked again “-more stuff” Jim looked away, not looking at Blinky “I need time to process everything”
Blinky looked at Jim for a few seconds before leaving the house. He was surprised Jim easily accepted being the trollhunter, without any complaint. There was something suspicious about that boy. He accepted the existence of the troll’s world better than any other human, and the day before, Jim didn’t look at them with terror. He just tried to seem terrified of the trolls, and wasn’t that a surprise? No human would feel the need of acting scared in front of them. They wouldn’t force themselves to be afraid. Jim did. And not only that. He looked at them with surprise, panic, and even stranger, nostalgia.
Without doing or saying anything else, Blinky nodded and walked away from the house. Jim found it weird, because he didn’t say anything about “Destiny is a gift” or “Don’t think, become” but he thought it was because he didn’t rejected being the trollhunter like the first time he was chosen.
Jim opened the door and didn’t see his mother anywhere, so he grabbed the paper and throw it in the bin. He went upstairs, without wanting to see Barbara. It wasn’t personal, but if he saw her, he would probably start crying. And after telling Strickler not to talk with her, wouldn’t be ironic if he himself broke when she was looking at him?
When he heard a noise in the front door, he quickly closed the door of his bedroom and leaned against it.
“Jim! I’m home! Where are you?”
“I’m in my bedroom, mom! I’m tired so I’ll go to bed now!” he yelled so his mother could hear him.
“Good night, honey!” she answered after a few seconds.
“Good night, mom!”
He fall to the ground and hid his face between his knees, pressing his eyes as much as he could. The tears couldn’t fall from his eyes.
“Don’t… cry-” he said in a broken voice.
He said to himself. He had to stay strong.
Don’t… cry-
He repeated in his mind. He couldn’t break down.
Don’t cry-
He had to be the trollhunter-
“Don’t cry” last time he repeated those words, his voice wasn’t broken.
-and act like the trollhunter.