Chapter Text
[🎶🏠]
Leo was the greatest composer alive. The sole reason he wasn’t the greatest composer ever is because he was probably an even better composer in his past life and he hasn’t reached that level of amazingness again. But if you count his past lives, then Leo was definitely the greatest composer ever. He could come up with melodies in seconds, movements in minutes, and entire symphonies in less than an hour. His fingers leaped across piano keys like frogs singing in a perfect choir. Give him a few minutes with a violin and you’ll have found your next Lindsey Stirling. Don’t let him near drums though, or he’ll end up like Andrew Neiman.
Leo was, simply put, a musical genius. And geniuses are always perfect.
It had been a few months since Knights had last put out any new music, so Tsukasa had begun the preparations for an album. Solo versions of previous songs, a few songs they’d had produced and ready but never published, and some instrumentals. All that was missing was a brand-new lead track. Since Tsukasa was out of the country for personal business, Leo had been convinced to join a video call with his kouhai to compose a song that would put their album at the top of the charts instantly.
Within an hour, they had brainstormed plenty of good options for a lead track—ideas, instruments, and vibes they wanted to go for. But still, Leo hadn’t been able to think of a single chord progression. If Tsukasa expected a fresh melody from him, he should have it with a snap of his fingers. And yet his mind was painfully empty. It was ridiculous. He picked at a patch of rough skin on his hand anxiously. He could almost hear Izumi yelling at him to stop, but the discomfort was grounding.
“Leo-san, its quite alright if you cannot think of anything. There’s still weeks until the promotion period, we can revisit the lead track later,” Tsukasa said awkwardly after fifteen minutes of Leo staring blankly at the staff paper in front of him.
Leo grumbled something vaguely, scribbling down a few notes and then erasing them just as fast. He peeled a sliver of skin off his hand, rolling it into a little ball between his fingers. “No, no, I’ve got something, I know it.”
“If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure, I’m sure,” Leo repeated, “Just give me some time.”
Minutes ticked by. The call was silent save for the scratch of pencil on paper and the clack of Tsukasa’s keyboard. Every few moments, Leo would hum something then stop abruptly and grind his teeth in frustration. His hand had gone red and irritated from the incessant scratching.
“Leo-san–”
“Don’t break my concentration!” Leo snapped without looking up.
Tsukasa’s mouth closed with an audible click. If Leo had looked up, he would’ve seen the hurt and worry on his face, but Leo was much too stuck in his own head, trying to forcefully dig the notes he wanted out of the crevices of his brain. It felt like mining for diamonds that weren’t there. Where he could usually put pencil to paper and have at least a rough melody without much effort, now he couldn’t think of a single note that sounded right.
It was empty. Quiet. Silent . He hadn’t felt like this since his second year. He hated it. Why was it so quiet? It shouldn’t be quiet. There’s always something. Sounds, voices, music, something . Empty was bad. Empty was wrong.
Distantly, Leo felt his pencil slip from his grasp as he started clenching and unclenching his fists in rapid succession. His fingernails pressed crescents into his palms, the dull pain not enough to ground him. He thought he heard Tsukasa say something, but he couldn’t register it through the thick layer of nothing covering his mind like a weighted blanket. He hated it.
God, he hated it.
Something was dripping down his palm. He didn’t know what it was, nor did he care. His fingers curled back into a fist and he brought one hand up to his head, tapping his knuckles against his temple in some twisted attempt to restart his brain. His taps turned harsher and he switched from his knuckles to the bones of his palm, hitting his head almost aggressively.
It wasn’t working. It was still so quiet. He felt like he was going crazy. Was he going crazy? Maybe he was already crazy. Only crazy people got upset when their minds were quiet. Maybe Leo was crazy and he was going crazier. Maybe the noise in his brain was what was stopping him from going insane, and now without it, he was going to lose his mind.
His mind was the only good thing left of him. If he lost that, he’d be useless. Who’d want a useless idol? Knights hadn’t relied on him in ages, they would have no reason to keep him around. They only needed him for his music. If he didn’t have his mind, he wouldn’t be able to make music, and he wouldn’t be needed. If he wasn’t needed, they’d remove him from the unit, make room for someone more talented than him who wasn’t crazy, who could still compose the masterpieces Knights deserved.
Something was tugging at his hair, pulling at it harshly. He could just barely feel the silky strands of his hair between his fingers. It took him much too long to connect the dots, and even then his body refused to listen to him and his hands continued tugging over and over and over and over.
And it was still completely, utterly, entirely quiet.
[🦇🏠]
The last time Ritsu had run this fast was when he was 9, rushing home with Mao on his back after the redhead had sprained his ankle. Ritsu had sworn he’d heard a crack and, terrified out of his mind, had scooped Mao up and sprinted home like the world was on fire. Mao had been fine, there was no permanent damage, but that panicked feeling had stuck with him for the rest of their childhood.
Ritsu could feel that same panic squeezing his lungs in an iron grip right now. He could feel his heart beating in his ear as he took the steps of the dorm building two at a time. His hands were trembling against the railing and he was sure that if he looked in a mirror right now, he’d be even paler than normal. It was only four flights of stairs, but the fear clouding his mind made it feel endless.
Finally, finally , he pushed open the stairwell door to the 3rd floor, skidding to a stop in front of the second door in the hallway. He was breathing hard, heart and lungs pounding in tandem. The dorms were mostly soundproof, but Ritsu’s hearing had always been sensitive, and he could just barely make out the shrill whines he’d long since attributed to his ex-king.
He fumbled with the keyring in his pocket, flicking through the color-coded metals until his fingers wrapped around an orange one that he crammed into the keyhole without hesitation. The lock clicked open after a few painful seconds, and Ritsu all but fell into the room, eyes scanning the room wildly for a shock of coral hair. He spotted it poking out from by Leo’s bed and Ritsu was there in an instant.
Rather than being on the bed, Leo had tucked himself into the gap between his bed and bookshelf and curled himself up into a trembling little ball. His palms and forearms were streaked in what Ritsu could immediately tell was blood and his hands were tangled in his hair and tugging at it periodically. Every few seconds he’d rock backward and his head would hit the wall with a painful thud and a muted whine.
The scene would’ve frozen Ritsu in place two years ago. But two years ago, Ritsu hadn’t watched Izumi talk Leo down from the rooftop ledge of Yumenosaki with shaky, scared reassurances. Two years ago, Ritsu hadn’t held a jar of skin cream within Arashi’s reach as she carefully and meticulously rubbed it into the rope burns on Leo’s neck. Two years ago, Ritsu hadn’t helped Leo into dry clothes and scrubbed his bathroom sink of red stains while the other slept. Two years ago, he didn’t know how badly Leo’s own mind rebelled against him. Now he did.
With slow, steady movements, Ritsu crouched on the ground directly in front of Leo. One hand went on one knee and the other to one of the hands in his hair. Leo didn’t even react and Ritsu held back a frown. He pressed against Leo’s knee gently, stopping the elder from rocking back, and held Leo’s hand steady so his head wouldn’t hit the wall. About thirty seconds passed before Leo’s attempts at rocking calmed down. They were getting somewhere now.
Ritsu let go of Leo’s knee and held his other hand instead. He rubbed his thumbs against the back of the ginger’s hand as soothingly as he could, trying to coax Leo into letting go of his hair. When that didn’t work, Ritsu instead tried to pry Leo’s hands off his head with careful movements. Leo’s arms were stiff, but Ritsu was able to move them without too much struggle. Some of his hair had stuck to the dried blood on his hands and Ritsu had to peel it off with grimace. He made a mental note to wash Leo’s hair extra well after this.
Leo was still unresponsive, but he’d gone mostly still save for the slight trembling wracking his body. His hands remained flexed stiffly in Ritsu’s hold, his eyes half-open and unseeing. It was a painful sight and Ritsu wished so desperately that Izumi or Arashi were here to tell him what else to do. It was just his luck that they’d be out of town today. Ritsu would just have to do his best and hope things would work out. He couldn’t call Tsukasa back until he was sure the poor kid wouldn’t have an aneurysm over Leo’s episode.
Vaguely, he remembered hearing Arashi say something about reading to Leo when he went unresponsive like this to give him a sound to anchor to. Ritsu couldn’t really let go of Leo’s hands to grab a book, but he did have plenty of wild stories from his childhood featuring Mao and Rei. On a whim, he opened his mouth and started talking about the time his Anija locked himself in a china cabinet. It was a stupid, stupid story and Ritsu could barely recall all the details, but it was the first thing that came to mind. Besides, all that mattered was that he was talking. He didn’t think Leo would care too much about the contents.
///
It took the rest of the hour to get Leo to relax enough to pull him up onto his feet. Ritsu immediately bent down to scoop him up into a princess carry, brows furrowing when the elder didn’t protest like he usually did. He carried the old king to the bathroom, putting down the toilet lid and setting Leo down on it carefully. Just as gently as he’d been for the past hour and a half, Ritsu undressed Leo layer by layer. Uniform jacket, pants, undershirt, underwear, binder, and socks were all tugged off and set into a pile to be washed later. Leo didn’t react to anything. His eyes had fixated on a stain on the wall and glazed over again. He wasn’t tense though, which was the best Ritsu would get at the moment.
Ritsu turned to the tub and fiddled with the knobs until a steady stream of warm water sprayed against the shiny white. He let it fill up about halfway before turning the water off and helping Leo into the tub. His body relaxed just a bit more and Ritsu watched as he let himself sink a bit into the water.
“Tsukipi,” Ritsu said, voice cracking embarrassingly, “Tsukipi, can I wash your hair?”
Leo’s hand twitched under water, as if he wanted to reach for his hair and figure out what was wrong himself, but the appendage didn’t make it more than an inch over water before it flopped back down. Leo stared at it listlessly like it was a foreign object, then tilted his head slightly backward in silent permission. Ritsu let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding and reached for the shampoo bottle.
The blood came out of his hair with minimal scrubbing and soon Leo’s hair was back to its usual vibrance. Some energy had seemed to sink back into his body as well, as he’d tried to clean the blood on his arms too with approximate success. Ritsu helped him with the spots he missed, parts closer to his elbows and between his fingers. By the time he was done, the water had a pink tint to it that made Ritsu’s stomach turn uncomfortably. Who knew even vampires could get freaked out by blood?
Ritsu helped Leo stand up and unhooked the shower head to rinse his body off as quickly as he could. He rolled a towel out on the floor and wrapped one around Leo’s shoulders too. Leo took his offered hand and got out of the tub and onto the towel on the floor with a little wobble. Water dripped from his hair onto his face but he didn’t acknowledge it. Ritsu used the towel on his shoulder to give Leo’s hair a quick squeeze and ruffle to get the majority of the water out before setting it back on Leo’s shoulder.
Now the hard part.
“Tsukipi, I have to get your clothes,” Ritsu told him, “Can you sit on the toilet seat for a minute or would you rather I wrap you with another towel and you sit on your bed?”
It was risky having Leo make a decision like this so soon but it had to happen. Ritsu watched as Leo tried to comprehend his question, blinking slowly. His head jerked towards the toilet silently and Ritsu nodded, holding him steady while he sat on the closed lid. Ritsu adjusted the towel around his shoulder and risked a quick kiss to his forehead before slipping out of the bathroom. He made sure to leave the door open behind him in case Leo changed his mind.
Ritsu sifted through the boxes of clothes under Leo’s bed, trying to find something loose and comfortable for the ginger to wear. Eventually, he decided on an oversized T-shirt and an old pair of shorts. As an afterthought, he also grabbed one of Leo’s binders just to be safe. He tucked the boxes back into place and returned to the bathroom with the clothes under his arm.
Leo was right where he’d left him. He’d started picking at the red patch of skin on his right hand absently. Ritsu crouched in front of him and took hold of his hands, holding them firmly but carefully. He brought Leo’s right hand up to inspect closer and cringed at the fresh droplets of blood squeezing out from between gashes in the skin. Maybe he should talk to Izumi about getting Leo gloves, just so his absent-minded habits wouldn’t get so harmful to himself. He’d bring it up later. For now;
“Binder or no binder, Tsukipi?”
Leo looked up from his hands to Ritsu with dull eyes. His eyes flickered across the younger’s face for a moment before he gave a single, small nod. Ritsu gave his hands one last comforting squeeze before getting to work. Leo moved easily, letting Ritsu move his body around and pull him off the toilet seat. Once finished, Ritsu let Leo sit still and silent for a short while, just to let him regain his energy.
“Sorry.”
It was so quiet and hoarse, only Ritsu’s sharp ears could’ve heard it. He wanted so badly to leap up and squeeze Leo in a death grip of a hug and never let go. Instead, he took Leo’s hands in his own again and held them loosely.
“Nothing to be sorry about,” he murmured, examining the cuts on the elder’s palm, “I have my episodes too, don’t I? You wouldn’t let me rot in my bed though, would you?”
Leo hummed non-committedly. “Still.”
“No one would let Arashi cry on her own. No one would let Izumi overwork himself into a hospital bed. No one would purposefully ignore Tsukasa’s routines and concerns,” Ritsu paused. He let go of Leo’s hands and turned around to go through the cabinets under the sink, pulling out a well-loved first-aid kit. He opened it and took out the disinfectant wipes, cream, and gauze. “No one’s gonna let you suffer on your own, Tsukipi. ‘S only fair.”
Leo didn’t say anything else, watching with dull eyes as Ritsu wiped his cuts, smeared cream on his patchy skin, and wrapped his hands up snugly in white bandages.
“There, all better!” Ritsu tucked the last bandage in with a flourish and returned the remaining supplies to the box. He pressed over exaggerated kisses to the top of each hand, making a loud ‘ mwah! ’ sound, congratulating himself mentally when Leo’s lips twitched slightly into a sad excuse of a smile. “Feeling better now?”
Leo looked away. “Mn.”
“Wanna tell me what all this was about, then? Or is that a Secchan-only secret?” Ritsu asked, comfortably genuine. There were plenty of conversations that never left Izumi and Leo’s little bubble. No one minded, just as long as Leo talked to someone who could help him.
A beat.
“Couldn’t think.”
Ritsu tilted his head. “Too loud?”
Leo closed his eyes. “Too quiet.”
“Ah, I see. Better now?”
“Not really.”
Ritsu swayed in place, thinking. “I can read to you like Nacchan does. Would that help?”
“I liked your stories…” Leo whispered almost bashfully.
Ritsu smirked playfully. “You like hearing stories of me and Anija being stupid kids?”
“Mn. ‘S funny.”
“I’m sure it is, Mr. ‘I don’t have any baby photos’.” Ritsu stood up, knees popping. He scooped Leo into a princess carry once again, letting him shift until he was comfortable. “C’mon, bed is softer. You need some sleep too.”
Leo leaned his head against Ritsu’s chest and let his eyes slide shut. “‘Kay.” Then, “Call Suou?”
Ritsu’s heart clenched. Poor king, he probably thought he scared Tsukasa off. “Of course. He was worried, y’know.”
He laid Leo on his bed, pulling the covers out from under him and tucking him in.
Leo looked guilty. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Ritsu said firmly, “he’ll be glad you’re okay.” He pressed a kiss between Leo’s eyebrows and let his forehead rest against the elder’s for a moment, letting himself calm down. He pulled back with a deep inhale. “Get some sleep. I’ll call Tsukasa then stay with you, okay?”
Leo nodded. “Thank you.”
“Always,” Ritsu replied, expression soft. “We love you.”
Leo muttered something that sounded vaguely like ‘ love you too ’ before exhaustion overtook him and his breathing evened out.
Ritsu stared at Leo’s sleeping face. He looked so peaceful. It was hard to believe that these same beautiful features had been warped with such distress only a couple hours ago. Ritsu sighed heavily and got off Leo’s bed. His phone was in his uniform jacket, abandoned somewhere in the bathroom. He better let Tsukasa know their ex-king was doing fine before the boy insisted on coming home early.
[🦇📲 🍰]
DIRECT MESSAGES
9:41
[Ritsu-senpai]: suu-chan~
[Suekko]: Ritsu-senpai!
[Suekko]: Is Leo-san okay?
[Suekko]: Do I need to come back?
[Suekko]: I know Narukami-senpai and Sena-senpai are staying the night at a hotel near their shoot location
[Suekko]: Can I have someone come to check on Leo-san?
[Suekko]: Or I can be back by morning!
[Ritsu-senpai]: slow down suu-chan (･_･;
[Ritsu-senpai]: no one said anything about coming back
[Ritsu-senpai]: youve got important family things yknow
[Ritsu-senpai]: youve gotta be a good heir and sit through the boring meetings >_>
[Suekko]: They will surely understand if i say its an emergency?
[Ritsu-senpai]: nope X!
[Ritsu-senpai]: tsukipi is doing fine
[Ritsu-senpai]: tucked safe and sound in bed
[Ritsu-senpai]: [img.png]
[Suekko]: Oh thank god.
[Suekko]: Are those bandages on his hands?!
[Ritsu-senpai]: yeah (´ー｀)
[Ritsu-senpai]: just a little oopsie
[Ritsu-senpai]: i took care of it o/
[Suekko]: If you’re sure…
[Ritsu-senpai]: i’ll keep tsukipi nice and safe til secchan and nacchan get back, promise
[Ritsu-senpai]: you just focus on your big boy things and get back here soon
[Ritsu-senpai]: kay? ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
[Suekko]: Alright.
[Suekko]: Keep me updated, though!
[Ritsu-senpai]: ofc~☆
[Ritsu-senpai]: put some cream on your scratches too
[Ritsu-senpai]: cant have our spry young king losing his arms!
[Ritsu-senpai]: bye now, sleep well suu-chan (^з^)-♡
[🍰🌃]
Tsukasa let out a heavy breath as he felt the tension of the past few hours bleed out of him with every reassurance from Ritsu. Leo looked ragged in the photo Ritsu had sent him, but he was resting now which was all that mattered. Tsukasa only wished he was there to check on him in person. He couldn’t help but worry for his reckless senpai. It wasn’t Tsukasa’s fault Leo had an episode, but he couldn’t help but feel responsible. Ifs and buts floated around his head like a dreary rain cloud that wouldn’t leave him alone.
No matter. Leo was fine now. Worrying wouldn’t solve anything. Tsukasa shifted, trying to slide down to lay sideways in bed but he flinched when his arms chafed against the otherwise soft silk of his bedsheets. Ritsu was right, as always. Tsukasa couldn’t even be bitter about it, because he definitely would’ve ignored his own…situation without outside intervention. He sighed again and sat up, pushing back his covers. Better do it now so Arashi wouldn’t fret over him again. Tori would let him borrow concealer tomorrow anyway.