Chapter Text
Nick knew that if he had told Charlie the truth, that he really didn't want to go to the Valentine's day party and would have preferred to stay in for the night, he would have dropped everything to do so.
But this was Charlie's first party since the fight; the fight that had scared Nick to his core, that made him want to throw up whenever he thought about it because 'your words had been the catalyst and you were the one who left and Tori screamed at you and and and-'
"What do you think of this one?"
Nick looked up from his bed to where Charlie was in the process of raiding his closet for a suitable jumper for the evening, but this was the fourth jumper that he had pulled out and no matter what Nick had said about the last three, Charlie would pull the jumper off and continue to look through the coat hangers.
"I think that I know nothing about fashion, you throwing my jumpers is dirtying up my floor," Nick sighed as he stood up before wrapping his arms around Charlie's waist, resting his head on his shoulder, "and that you should wear what you want because you'll look great regardless."
He couldn't but think, 'and if you don't want to go at all, that's fine too,' but he shook it away as soon as it came. This was their first Valentine's day together and Charlie had been genuinely excited for this party.
Nick would grin and bear it for a few hours for Charlie.
"You're right," Charlie agreed as he turned around, forcing Nick to move his arms so he could adequately stand on the tips of his toes so he could press a quick, minty kiss to his lips, "we should go before everyone gets drunk."
"Char?"
"Yeah?"
He so badly wanted to tell him the truth, 'maybe we should just stay in tonight, I'm pretty sure that I'm coming down with something because it hurts to breathe sometimes and I don't want to be around anyone but you for awhile,' but all he could muster up was, "don't forget your shoes. They're not like jumpers, you know. Can't just borrow mine."
When Charlie did take his hand to lead him outside so they could begin the short walk to the party, Nick forced himself to pull in a long, drawn out breath in the night air; he had done things that were a lot harder than going to a party.
He was going to be fine, constricted lungs be damned.
…
Nick was, all things considered, not fine.
It hadn't been terrible when they arrived, when Charlie poured him a vodka lemonade that was mixed so much better than the one he had drunk at Tara's party in Paris.
It hadn't been terrible when Charlie gently wrapped his arms around Nick's neck as the two of them swayed to the slow, soft music, only stopping to kiss and drink and kiss some more.
It hadn't been terrible when the softness had been replaced with some dub-step, prompting Charlie to say, "I'm gonna go find Tao and Elle!" over the music before walking away from Nick into the crowd of teenagers and college students.
Nick wasn't sure what caused the tightness in his lungs to increase so hard that his first thought was to 'get out get out get out you're in danger get out now' but it resulted in him dropping the cup still containing some of his drink onto the hardwood floor before turning and starting to walk with a hand on his chest.
He had seen some of the older players on the rugby team do it, rub at their chest till it functioned correctly around the adrenaline, he had no reason to think it wouldn't work for him.
'safety safety you need to sit you need to sit now-'
His legs stopped working when he reached the cold tile of the bathroom floor, sliding down against the wall as he tried to pull in a shaking breath, his heart pounding harder with each rapid inhale he pulled in.
'you're fine but Charlie you left Charlie he's drinking and you left him something bad is gonna happen because you aren't there like when you left like the hospital like-'
"Nick?"
Nick looked up through blurry vision to make eye contact with Tao, but when he tried to stand or to straighten out his breathing or say he was fine, all that came out was a wheezy sob that had him burying his face against his jeans.
"-ick, I'm gonna get Char…right back."
'Charlie why is he getting Charlie is Charlie hurt what's wrong with Charlie-'
"Nick?" He looked up as Charlie crouched down next to him, "hey, Nick. Tao said you're struggling to breathe. Can I touch you?"
He was so calm. He was safe. He was okay.
Nick managed to nod despite the continued constricting of his chest, feeling the soft, familiar pressure of Charlie's hand wrapped around his own.
"Nick, can you take a deep breath for me? Like this?" Nick tried to follow along but his chest hurt and he couldn't breathe and, "good try, that was a good try. Let's try it again, okay? Breathe in," Nick complied, trying to focus less on the tears blurring his vision and more on the slow, steady movement of his boyfriend's chest, "and out. Good, you're doing good. One more time, okay?"
Nick managed to steady himself, letting the cold tile ground him as he closed his eyes and pulled in a few more deep breaths before resting his head against the bathroom wall, his chest aching but no longer hurting.
"It's okay now. You're okay now," Charlie insisted, forcing him to open his eyes again, "I'm gonna go get you some water and than, when you feel steady, I'm taking you home."
All Nick could do was nod as Charlie let go of his hand.
…
His limbs felt heavy.
Nick wasn't sure how long he was laying in his bed, with Nellie curled up against his side and Henry laying at his feet, after the party; time felt slow, almost unmoving as he stared at the dark ceiling.
He was sure that the aftereffects of the vodka swimming in his veins didn't help the fact that his body felt like mush.
"Hey," Charlie whispered as he opened the door with two glasses in his hand, setting them down on the bedside table before getting in bed beside him, his fingers gently brushing back the small strands of hair, "I brought you some water, to help sober you up a little before your mum gets home."
"Thanks, Char." He mumbled against the pillow, unable to miss the concern in his face when he looked up at him, "what?"
"Nothing, nothing, it's just…" Charlie trailed off for a minute, looking down at the comforter before looking back at Nick, "it's been awhile since I've seen a panic attack."
"That's what that was?"
"I…That was your first one?"
Nick paused for a minute, his mind going back to his GSCE's and how he was so stressed he couldn't even think let alone pick up a pencil and the dinner with his dad and how it may have been easier to just stay in his room instead of telling his dad he was bi no matter how much he wanted-
"I don't think so, but…it's been awhile for sure."
"Are you doing okay?"
"That sucked."
"Yeah, anxiety and alcohol aren't exactly the best combination," Charlie smiled softly, "have you talked to your mum about it? The anxiety?"
"I should," Nick said, forcing himself to sit up only for the room to start spinning until he slowly laid back down, "maybe when I'm not hungover though."
Charlie chuckled and for a few brief moments, Nick allowed himself to close his eyes and rest his head against him before he heard his voice again, "Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"I...when did you start having anxiety?"
Nick knew the answer was "during my GSCE exams" but he could tell, just by Charlie's tone, what he really wanted to ask; "did my issues give you anxiety?"
"Char, it wasn't you," Nick insisted, sitting up and biting back the dizziness for a minute, "Okay? It was my GSCE's when I first noticed it and it hadn't ever been as bad as tonight but I also wasn't drinking during my exams or when I came out to my dad."
"I just…I don't ever want to be the reason you're hurting."
"You're not, Char. Please don't blame yourself for this, okay? It's not your fault."
"Okay..." Nick wasn't convinced, but Charlie didn't look to be on the verge of tears any more, so he figured it could wait till he could sit up without seeing stars, "I don't think seeing Geoff would help you-"
"I'm pretty sure if both of us are seeing the same therapist, they call that couple's counseling." Nick couldn't help but smirk, unsurprised when Charlie gently shoved his shoulder.
"I meant that anxiety isn't his specialty and what I was going to ask, before you interrupted me," Charlie said, only letting his smile fall when the conversation turned serious again, "is that maybe he knows of someone who can help you. If that's what you want to do, after you talk to your mum."
"Yeah, that's…that's a good idea."
Charlie leaned forward and pressed a long, comforting kiss to the top of Nick's head before speaking again, "try and get some sleep, okay? Only thing worse than a hangover is a lack of sleep on top of it."
"Okay, mum."
"I love you."
"Love you too."