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The trip wasn’t as bad as Poe expected. Leia hadn’t let them take his x-wing- too recognizable and cramped for a multi day journey. The extra space meant he could separate from Finn, which was good. Especially after Finn sat next to him at take off looking like he’d never flown before. Starry-eyed, amazed, breathless. Poe had flown all over the galaxy without ever seeing something as beautiful as Finn in that moment. It took more effort to tear his eyes away than he’d like to admit. He avoided Finn as much as he could after that, just enough that he could breathe without his heart in his throat but not enough that Finn might pick up on it.
Finn didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary with him. When Poe was feeling more masochistic he’d seek Finn out and they’d have happy little chats. He’d ask Poe about the planet they were visiting, what the climate was like, the people, the sky. He told him everything, and when he ran out of things to tell about that planet he went on to another and another and another. Then Poe would look at Finn and feel his heart flutter and make up some pilot-y thing to do leaving Finn to talk with Beebee instead.
Alone in the cockpit Poe admitted how ridiculous he was being, he was 32 goddamn years old acting like Finn was the first person he’d ever been attracted to. He felt sixteen all over again, stealing kisses from his first girlfriend when they thought no one was looking. Linking pinkies and thinking they were keeping it all a secret. He thinks about stolen kisses and Finn and curses when he feels the heat in his cheeks. He is a grown man, and grown men address their feelings. They say something when they like someone.
It’s not just like . Poe’s in love. That makes it all a little more complicated in his mind. Like is easy, carefree but love is scary. Love means worrying when Finn is on missions, being scared every time they’re apart even though Poe knows how capable he is. Love means that Poe has to be afraid of losing Finn, and yeah, he’s afraid of losing everyone else in his life but it’s different. It’d be different.
Plus what if Finn isn’t ready? He doesn’t want to push Finn into anything. What if Finn thinks he has to reciprocate, that it’s somehow a way to “repay” Poe or some wild shit like? The whole situation feels predatory and Poe knows that’s a little ridiculous but he can’t help it. Finn doesn’t deserve to get stuck with someone as messy as Poe. Poe’s messy and a lil fucked up. Finn deserves someone bright and amazing, he’s earned that.
Finn should be with someone as amazing as he is; someone brave and strong and heroic and amazing. Finn should be with someone that makes him look like he did when they took off. Poe doesn’t think- no, Poe knows . Poe isn’t that someone.
Poe sinks into his seat and starts prepping for their landing. He just has to get through this mission then there will be space between him and Finn again and Poe won’t feel like his heart is clawing it’s way out. He won’t feel the need to think about this over and over. He’ll be able to settle again, fall back into the buddy routine he’s carefully built with Finn. Poe will be able to hide again.
xxx
The planet reminds Finn of Jakku. He’s stuck on the ramp, the scent of blaster burns and blood suffocating him. His lungs are tight. Slip’s bloody, muddy fingers ghost across his face. Something is coursing through him, telling him to turn back. He wants to, gods does he want to. That voice is always right. He should tell Poe, but what could he even say? I have a bad feeling? I’m scared?
Poe claps his shoulder, brings him back to the ship’s ramp and the desert heat. He takes a deep breath, lets the dry air roll through him. Poe’s eyeing him curiously, he’s worried. Finn can tell he’s about to give Finn an out, an excuse, a pass on the mission. He smiles at Poe and follows Beebee off the ramp.
This isn’t Jakku. The mission will go fine. Poe will be fine. He’ll be fine. He repeats it all in his head until the voice in the back of his head stops panicking.