Chapter Text
The firehouse was quiet. An oppressive silence full of grief, which made it hard to breathe. He could hear his footsteps resonate in the house, and he hated it. It was supposed to be home, full of laughter, joy, and the scent of hard work and food. As he made his way to the loft, he tried to brace himself for what was to come. They were here, his friends, his family, around the table, cups of coffee in front of them, untouched. They all looked so tired, like they had aged ten years in a blink. Hen was working on some paperwork, Chim was staring at his cup, Ravi was looking at his phone, and Eddie thought he was not sure he was seeing anything. And Buck, Buck was staring at nothing. His gaze was unfocused, his eyes red with dark circles under them.
“Hey guys.” Eddie tried his best to keep his voice from breaking.
His friends turned toward him. All of them, except Buck, like the younger man, hadn’t heard him. Ravi, Chim, and Hen got up, sad smiles on their faces, to hug him. They didn’t say a lot. What was it to say? They all just lost Bobby, the man who was more than their Captain. He was everything for them; he was their glue. He hugged them all, but Buck still hadn't moved. His eyes were still fixed somewhere nobody could see. He exchanged a glance with his team, no ex- team, who nàodded and made his way toward his best friend.
“Hey, Buck.” Eddie crouched down so he could see eye to eye with Buck. “Buck?” he asked, putting a hand on the other man's shoulder.
Buck startled and snapped his head to face Eddie. He blinked a few times, like he just realized what he was seeing.
“Eds?” And Eddie’s heart broke when he heard his best friend’s voice. He sounded so broken, so desperate. “You’re here?”
“Of course I’m here, Buck. I’ll always be here for you.” He answered, trying to soften his voice as much as he could.
But it wasn’t what he was supposed to say, because as soon as he said it, Buck frowned. He tilted his head, like he couldn’t understand what he was saying. Like, Eddie wasn’t making any sense.
“Here? For me?”
It was Eddie’s turn to frown. “Of course, Buck.” Because what the hell. Of course, he was here for his best friend, even when they were 800 miles away.
Buck shook his head, and something close to defeat and anger appeared on him. He bit his lower lip, turned away from Eddie, and whispered, “Then where were you when he needed you?”
And just like that, Buck left, leaving Eddie still crouched down, too stunned to speak or move, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and it was Hen, a worried look on her face.
“We missed you, Eddie. But you have to wake up, or we might lose him too.”
Eddie blinked, once, twice. Maybe he was in shock, because what? “What?”
Hen frowned, now she looked alarmed. “Don’t worry. He’s just in shock. Just give him some time.”
Eddie nodded, “But he’s right.”
“Eddie, come on. Nobody’s to blame you.”
Eddie scoffed, “Well, maybe you should then?” He said, his voice rising.
Hen took a few steps back, and she looked like he had just slapped her. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” He took a deep breath. “I need some air.”
And so he ran on the roof.
***
Time passed weirdly, because suddenly the sun was high in the sky, but it felt like just a few minutes had passed when he heard the door open. He didn’t turn around because, by the sound of the footsteps, he knew it wasn’t Buck. So he kept staring down at the city when he felt someone just beside him.
“Hey.” It was Ravi. Eddie liked Ravi. he was a good kid who had Buck’s back when he didn’t. “He’s not mad at you in particular. He’s mad at everything. He’s mad at him, too, because he couldn’t save Bobby.”
“But I should have been here.”
Ravi hummed, “Maybe. But maybe it would have been you who had died. And do you think Buck wouldn’t have been devastated?”
Eddie turned to face Ravi. He had a calm face, the face of someone who knew death, who saw death closely when he was way too young. It was so hard to look at him, seeing him so calm. Why wasn’t he angry? Why wasn’t he lashing out? He should be mad at Eddie for leaving the team. So Eddie turned away and just shrugged.
“I should have been here.”
He heard Ravi sigh when the door opened again. Here was Buck. He knew Buck’s footsteps by heart. He knew how he breathed. He could recognize him even if he were blind. Suddenly, Ravi was gone, and Buck was at his side. When did they exchange their place? Why was Eddie so out of it?
“Eds, I’m sorry. I should not have-”
“Don’t.” Eddie. Buck looked pained by the interruption. “I mean, I understand. I do.”
“But I should not have. It’s not fair. I don’t want you to feel guilty.”
“But you’re right. I wasn’t there when you needed me.” Eddie made sure to insist on the ‘you’. He needed Buck to understand.
Buck fixed him with a broken look. One he saw during their fight in the grocery store, one he saw after Eddie got shot, and one he saw just before Eddie left him.
“Eddie, I…” Buck took a shaky breath. “Thank you for coming.”
Eddie smiled and hugged Buck. He held him tight, afraid that if he didn’t, Buck would just slip through his fingers. “Of course, Buck. Of course.”
When they broke from their embrace, Eddie was still holding Buck. A hand on his shoulder, the other on his neck, then up on his face. Both men looked at each other, and something just felt right. Eddie knew deep in his soul, in his chest, in his guts, what he needed to do. So he took a step toward Buck, eyes still locked in his friend’s. he took a deep breath, trying to summon what little courage he had.
“Buck.”
He took another step, but then, suddenly, Buck took a step back. And something broke inside Eddie. Buck took his hands in his, he looked guilty, like Eddie had ripped his heart out of his chest, and Eddie wanted to jump from the roof.
“Eddie, I can’t.” Buck’s voice broke.
“What?” Eddie’s voice wasn’t better. He was so sure that something was happening, and not just today, it has been happening for a while now.
Buck shook his head, “Maybe not so long ago, I would have kissed you.” He chuckled softly. “But now? I can’t.”
“Oh.” Eddie couldn’t say anything else.
“I’m sorry. I am so sorry. But I can’t cheat on Tommy.”
And it felt like he got shot again. “Tommy?” Eddie scoffed. “Tommy? Really?”
Buck frowned. “Yes. He was here when Bobby died. He held me, and he was here for me. We’re trying again.” Anger was back in Buck’s voice, and Eddie hated it.
“You know what’s so funny, Eddie? It’s that if you had told me to wait, I would have waited for you. Months, even years. But you only came back because Bobby died.” Buck let out a bitter laugh. “I guess you’re right after all. No ties in L.A., everything that matters is now in El Paso.”
And now, it was Eddie’s turn to be angry. “You don’t have the right to talk to me like that. I left for my son. And you made it about yourself. Like always. Trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley. A tragedy in 97 acts.”
Eddie was now grabbing Buck’s shoulder, so the younger man was forced to look him in the eyes. But Buck pushed him away.
“I’ll see you at the funerals, Eddie.” He spat, “Don’t bother to show at my house.”
And with that, Eddie was once again all alone.