Chapter Text
The drive back to Darry’s childhood home from college had been filled with the quiet noise of the radio playing and Darry stress fidgeting with the hem of the jacket he’d thrown on until Paul had reached over and taken one of Darry’s hands in his, rubbing his thumb slowly over Darry’s knuckles in a comforting motion.
“It’s gonna be fine, Dar. They’ll understand.”
“What if they don’t though? What if they think I hate ‘em or what if they hate me?”
“They would never hate you. Hell, they call you Superman. You can’t do anythin’ to make ‘em hate you.”
Darry breathed out a sigh, letting just the slightest bit of tension out of his shoulders. Before he knew it, Paul was pulling into his gravel driveway and shutting off the car.
“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”
“I’m sure. I ain’t too sure how they'll react and I don’t want you gettin’ dragged into it.”
Paul sighed before squeezing Darry’s hand and bringing it up to place a soft kiss on the rough skin.
“I’ve gotta grab a couple things from my place, I’ll be back later and we can leave in the morning.”
Darry nodded before pushing open the door and feeling the familiar crunching of gray stones under his boots. He took a deep breath to steady himself before walking over to the small porch and stepping up the creaking steps to the front door and unlocking it with the rusting key he kept.
“Darry!”
The voice of his youngest brother caused a mixture of love and anxiousness to swirl in Darry’s stomach. But before he could dwell on that, there was a thirteen-year-old boy throwing himself into Darry’s arms.
“Hey Pones…”
It came out softer and more solemn than Darry intended as he held onto his baby brother and rubbed his back. Glory, it had only been a couple weeks, how was it possible that the kid already looked older than the last time Darry had seen him?
“D’you know where Pepsi is? I gotta talk to you both ‘bout somethin’ important.”
“Yeah, I’ll go grab him”
Darry watched his brother bound off towards Soda’s bedroom door before sinking into a chair at the kitchen table. God, the table used to feel so small, with five bodies crowded around it every night, but now, with just Darry there, it felt too big. Or, maybe he just felt too small. For a second, he let those feelings wash over him, smallness, fear, exhaustion, suffocation.
“Superman? You doin’ okay there?”
“Oh, hey Sodes, didn’t hear you come in.”
Soda chuckled, a light sound that seemed to brighten the dull clouds in the sky and lift the air in the room. It was a sound that reminded Darry of everything he was leaving behind.
“I got somethin’ to talk to you boys about.”
“Alright, shoot. Me and Ponykid here are ready for anythin’, ain't we, Pones?”
Ponyboy nodded, messing with the cuffs of his jeans, quietly waiting for whatever Darry needed to discuss.
“I ain’t gonna beat ‘round the bush. I gotta tell you boys somethin’. I- uh, I ain’t stayin’.”
For a minute, there was complete silence before Soda spoke up,
“You ain’t stayin’ in Tulsa? So, are we stayin’ with Two’s Ma?”
“Yeah, yeah you are.”
“So you’re stayin’ in school? That ain’t no big fuss, Dar. Long as you come see us on weekends ‘n don’t forget ‘bout the coolest little brothers you got.”
There was a familiar teasing in Soda’s voice in the last sentence that made Darry’s chest hurt when he had to force out his next sentence.
“No, Soda- I ain’t stayin’ at all.”
“What do you mean?”
Soda tilted his head in a way that reminded Darry of a confused puppy, a thought that would’ve made him laugh in any other circumstance.
“Sodes- ‘m leavin’. Not just Tulsa, ‘m leavin’ all of it. Oklahoma. ‘M goin’.”
Soda went quiet as reality struck him. Darry expected his brother to ask more questions, so when the voice speaking out next came from his littlest brother instead, he was a bit startled. Ponyboy’s voice came out a meek whisper like he was afraid of askin’ his question, or more realistically, he was afraid of the answer.
“Where you goin’?”
“Um, I ain’t too sure yet, far probably. Maybe Alaska, that new state with all the oil business.”
“When?”
“I’m leavin’ tomorrow…”
“So, that’s it?”
“Huh?”
“You’re just- leavin’? Just like that? What about us, me ‘n Soda? You’re just leavin’ us alone?”
“Ponyboy-“
“No! It ain’t fair! You can’t just up and go right after Mama and Daddy died! How can you just leave us behind like that?”
Ponyboy’s volume kept increasing until he was hollerin’. There was a blooming rage in his eyes behind the building tears that threatened to overflow and spill onto his cheeks.
“Ponyboy- that ain’t fair”
“No Darry! What ain’t fair is you decidin’ to up and go ‘cause mama and daddy died! What ain’t fair is you decidin’ we mean nothin’ to you now that they’re gone!”
“Ponyboy! You boys are everything to me! You know that. But I can’t stay here. If I don’t go now, I will live and die in this damn town and I can’t do that! I can’t do it.”
Darry’s voice was close to pleading by the end of his statement. He needed his brothers to understand. Understand that he couldn’t stay here no more. Understand that he loved them so damn much but it wasn’t about them. He needed to go.
“Soda? Little buddy? Please, try to understand”
“Don’t. Don’t ask me to defend you right now, Dar. I can’t do it. I really can’t.”
And with that, Soda was pushing himself up from their small table and walkin’ out the front door. Darry assumed he was meeting up with Steve or Two Bit, so he didn’t go after him. It’d be pointless anyway, Soda wanted space, so Darry would give him space. After watching the door for a moment, he turned back to his youngest brother.
“Pones, honey, I know it feels like I’m abandonin’ you. But I swear to you, this has nothin’ to do with you and Soda.”
The bitterness in Pony’s eyes as he raised his head from where he was staring at the table’s edge accompanied by the hostility in his tone was enough to feel like a physical punch in Darry’s gut.
“That’s the thing, ain’t it, Dar? It does have somethin’ to do with us, ‘cause we’re the ones gettin’ left behind.”
That was all Ponyboy said before he stalked off to his room and shut the door, leaving the kitchen in a thick and uncomfortable silence. Darry swore under his breath as he let his head drop into his palms before forcing both his hands through his hair.
Darry wasn’t sure how long he sat there, he just knew that the ache in his bones was increasing and he was hyper-aware of the growing darkness and the fact that Soda wasn’t home yet. His head jerked up when he heard the familiar sound of the door opening and a figure kicking their shoes off at the front door. Darry would recognize those footsteps anywhere, and his suspicions were confirmed when the boy entered the kitchen, causing Darry to let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Soda was home.
“Soda-”
“Don’t, Dar. Please.”
There was a roughness in Soda’s voice that betrayed the crying he must’ve been doing earlier. Soda raised his gaze so it met Darry’s and glory if the look in his eyes didn’t break Darry’s heart. Soda’s hair was frizzy and the curls were messed up, as if he had been running his fingers through them and messing with it for a while. His eyes were red and swollen, and even in the dim kitchen light, Darry could see the tear stains on his baby brother’s cheeks. It took everything in Darry to stay sitting and watch his little brother slowly drag himself into his room and quietly click the door shut instead of getting up and holding his brother tight against his own body.
Darry wasn’t sure how many minutes, or maybe even hours, passed before he heard a car pulling into the gravel driveway and shutting off. He just knew that as soon as it did, he was pushing himself up from the same wooden chair he’d been sitting in since he told his brothers he was leavin’ and he walked towards the front door just in time to see Paul shrugging off a thick coat. When Paul locked eyes with Darry, he could see the exhaustion and sadness evident on his face. He simply opened his arms and held Darry as he dropped his head against Paul’s shoulder and let his arms fall loosely around Paul’s waist.
“Not go well?”
“Mm, Soda’s mad ‘n Pones thinks ‘m abandonin’ them”
“Oh Dar…”
Darry’s exhaustion seemed to intensify ten-fold when Paul’s hand started rubbing slow circles on his back, his shoulders sagging even more and his head suddenly feeling too heavy to even hold up. He let himself be guided down the quiet hall and into the bedroom he spent the first eighteen years of his life sleeping in. He let Paul gently guide him so he was sitting on the bed before being handed a pair of faded pajama pants and a worn t-shirt.
It wasn’t until they were laying on the faded quilt that Darry’s mama had made, Darry sitting with his back against the bedframe and Paul’s head in his lap, that Darry finally voiced the fear that had been swirling around his mind the whole day.
“Is this selfish? Leavin’ I mean.”
Paul pushed himself up so his back was also against the bed frame, head turned so it was facing Darry’s, and he considered the question. Was it selfish? He thought about everyrhin’ and everyone Darry was leavin’ behind to do this. But Paul also considered all the good things that would come from goin’, for both of them. He scooted impossibly closer to Darry and let his head fall back onto Darry’s shoulder before finally letting an answer fall out of his mouth.
“Maybe it is, but, I think that’s okay. I mean, it ain’t no secret how much you’ve done for everyone else. You’d clean up your brothers when they got into scraps ‘n you got a job as soon as you could just to help pay the bills. You’ve spent your whole life not being selfish. So, yeah, Dar, maybe it is selfish. But you’re allowed to want to be selfish for once.”
Darry nodded, not fully believing Paul, but being too tired to argue. Darry expected the conversation to be dropped at that, until Paul spoke up again, his voice gentle.
“Hey, look at me.”
Darry turned slowly, locking eyes with Paul, whose head was now off of his shoulder and instead held up and facing Darry.
“Baby, they don’t hate you. They ain’t gonna be mad at you forever. They ain’t gonna resent you for leavin’. Those boys love you more than anythin’. Maybe they’re angry now, but they’re just gonna miss you. They’re sad, but they ain’t gonna call you selfish for leavin’. You know that, right?”
Darry nodded slowly as Paul took his hand and interlaced their fingers, squeezing it gently to ground Darry. He did know, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t awful scared they were goin’ to blame him, and glory, if they did, Darry couldn’t even be mad ‘cause he would too.
“Hey now, don’t go gettin’ in your head ‘bout it. After all, we got a might long drive tomorrow, don’t we? Get some sleep. Love you.”
With his final reminders out and bouncing around Darry’s head, Paul slid back down under the covers and took Darry with him, laying his head on the taller’s chest. Darry let his arms wrap around Paul and hold him close. His eyes danced across his childhood bedroom as he took it all in for the last night. He felt his chest tighten as his eyes glazed over each new thing, each memory resurfacing. The chipped paint on the doorframe from where he and Soda were roughhousing, the crooked picture frame from when a seven-year-old Darry insisted he could help his dad hang the photo, the small closet that held a blanket that Ponyboy always loved so it was here when he would climb into bed with his big brother after a nightmare, the drawer that had the first shirt Paul had given Darry still folded in the corner. All these little things, some of which he would take with him, others that he’d be forced to leave behind.
It was the weight of Paul’s head on his chest, accompanied by his steady breathing that eventually lulled Darry to sleep. That night, he dreamt of his childhood. Running under the warm summer sun with Pony on his back and Soda close behind. He dreamt of his brothers’ laughter and his dad’s smile and his mama’s cooking. But he also dreamt of his future. His home with Paul, one far away. He dreamt of waking up and making two coffees, one black and one loaded with cream and sugar. He dreamt of waking up every morning to Paul’s messy hair and warm brown eyes. He slept soundly in Tulsa for the first time in a long time and the last time in forever.
Darry woke up to a half-empty bed and the smell of coffee drifting in through the cracked door. It surprised him, Paul wasn’t normally awake before him unless he had an 8 am and Darry didn’t. Still, he was silently grateful that Paul had given him this quiet moment alone in his room. Darry let it sink in that these would be his last few hours in the house he grew up in.
It seemed that in the blink of an eye, the morning was gone, the sun had reached its peak and was shining against the frozen ground. Darry had pulled his dad’s old jacket around his shoulders as he carried the last bag to Paul’s car and tossed it into the back seat before closing the door. When he turned back towards the house, he saw his brothers standing just off the porch, watching him like he’d fade from view if they turned away. When he walked towards them, Soda’s eyes filled with tears and Ponyboy’s head dropped.
Darry watched as Soda walked towards him and damn near collapsed against him. He reached out and took his little brother in his arms as Soda began to shake with sobs, voice coming out thick with emotion.
“‘M gonna miss you, Dar. ‘N you better call. Tell me all ‘bout Arizona-"
“Alaska”
Darry corrected him gently and Soda’s laugh broke through his tears.
“Shut up, you know what I meant. I love you, Dar. I love you so damn much.”
“I love you too, Pepsi. ‘N I promise to call so much that y'all get sick of me. ‘M gonna miss you two an awful lot.”
He squeezed Soda even more as he finished talking, eventually pulling back and squeezing Soda’s shoulders before letting his hands fall. The pair both turned to look at Ponyboy after that. The youngest boy was gently kicking the gravel and was facing down as if he was suddenly fascinated by his shoelaces. Darry took a breath, knowing he was trying to break through a stone wall of anger.
“Pony?”
“Bye, Dar.”
He spoke with an unfamiliar iciness, causing Soda to shoot him a look. One that said, “our brother is leavin’ and all you got to say is ‘bye’?”
“Pones-“
“It’s okay, Soda. He ain’t gotta talk if he don’t want to. But, ‘m gonna miss you, Pones. ‘N I love you. I hope you know that, honey.”
Darry took a step towards Ponyboy to hug him and acted like it didn’t shatter his heart when his baby brother took a step back, just out of his reach. He sighed before backing away.
“Okay. I ain’t gonna force you. Just know that I love you both with my whole damn heart ‘n I’ll call you when I stop and find a phone. Take care of each other. I love you.”
When he finished his small speech, Darry turned and walked to the passenger side of the already running car that held Paul and the four bags the two had packed their lives into, unable to bear looking back and seeing his brothers breaking down, ‘cause if he did, he’d break down too.
He had just about reached the door when he felt something slam into his back and he heard crying as two smaller arms wrapped around him.
“‘M gonna miss you so bad.”
It was choked out through tears and in a voice so distinctly Ponyboy that Darry was whipping around and holding his baby brother as tight as he could before he could even fully process what Pony was saying.
“I know, honey, ‘m gonna miss you too.”
“‘N I love you ‘n I couldn’t let you go without sayin’ so but I almost did ‘n what if you left thinkin’ I hated you ‘n you never called ‘cause of it ‘n-”
“Hey, hey, shhh, it’s okay. You told me now. ‘N even if you hadn’t, I’d know anyway. ‘Cause you’re my kid brother and I know you, okay?”
Ponyboy squeezed his eyes shut as hot tears burned his eyes and he buried his face against his brother’s jacket and held on tight, as if the wind would blow them apart.
“I love you, Dar.”
“I know, baby, I know. I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”
The pair stood there, Pony clinging to Darry and Darry running his hand through his baby brother’s hair and whispering quiet words of comfort. Eventually, Soda found his way over and got himself engulfed in the hug. As Darry held his little brothers, it finally hit him that he was really truly leavin’. He wouldn’t see them for lord knows how long and this was their final moment together. At this realization, Darry felt hot tears start swimming in his eyes, a harsh contrast to the bitingly cold air around him.
As much as he ached to just hold his brothers forever, Darry knew their time was running out, so he squeezed them both a little tighter before pulling back, one hand on each brothers’ shoulder.
“I gotta go now, okay? Hey- I love you both somethin’ fierce- don't you forget that.”
And with a final hug, Darry released his brothers for what may be the last time, and he trotted back over to Paul’s car. This time, he opened the door and slid into the passenger seat, immediately feeling a warm hand slip into his and a gentle squeeze.
“You ready?”
Darry used the back of his hand to wipe away the remaining tears on his face before squeezing Paul’s hand back.
“Yeah, I'm ready.”