Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Leo awoke in his home. 

Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, he reached a hand blindly towards his desk, finally finding his phone as he brought it to his face. Squinting through the darkness, he switched on the bright screen, which displayed 9:38 am. 

A sickening panic jolted in his heart, but through the stomach-swooping anxiety, Leo managed to reach a trembling hand up to his neck.  

His bare neck. 

Breaths stuttering back to normal, he threw an arm across his eyes and exhaled slowly. He was okay. He woke up late but that was okay because he was allowed to do that. 

It was harder than it should have been to convince himself of that. 

Once he’d calmed down enough, he clambered out of bed (he always used to get up immediately), leaving the covers in complete disarray and forcing a smug smile on his face, trying his best to ignore the fluttering of his heart. 

Fennec had hated mess. Leo figured this was a massive middle finger to that freak. 

Stifling a yawn, he threw on a hoodie then wandered out of his room, his complete lack of direction or purpose sitting strangely in his chest. It made him feel… empty. Hollow. 

He came across Raph first, sitting on the couch with a comic in his hands. The snapper’s face lit up when he saw Leo. “Mornin’, Leo.”

“Morning,” he replied with a small smile, one that felt genuine despite its uncharacteristic reservedness. “Is… everyone else already awake?”

The question was hesitant, ashamed, and he rubbed his arm self-consciously. 

Raph's expression softened and he closed his comic, setting it down on the couch's armrest. “Don's still out, and that's fine, y'know? It's alright to sleep in whenever you want to. Raph knows our sleeping habits ain't the best anyway…” He smiled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Leo just nodded, nod trusting his voice, a small part of him burning with embarrassment that he was so obvious. 

“Mikey's setting up… something.” A vague expression of concern settled over Raph, and he glanced towards the living room entrance. “He didn't tell me what. Said it was a secret.”

Leo nodded, a muscle jumping in his face. He felt… awkward. Wrong. Like he should be doing something. There was a sense of impending dread, a storm cloud looming on the horizons of his mind. “Uh… what do you want for breakfast?” 

Raph's expression tightened. “Raph already ate,” he said carefully, eyes studying Leo. “Why… do you ask?” 

Feeling suddenly like he’d said something wrong, Leo waved a hand, saying dismissively, “Oh, no reason. Just… curious?”

Leo winced as it came out as a question. What’d happened to his unparalleled acting skills, huh?

Raph looked very displeased, eyes shining in that way of his when he was trying not to cry in front of him. Leo had become much more familiar with it recently than he’d ever wanted to be. “... Are you telling Raph the truth?”

Well, that just wasn’t fair. Of course Leo couldn’t stand up to Raph’s puppy dog eyes. “No,” he sighed, fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie. Glancing at Raph in the corner of his eye, he mumbled quietly, “I felt like I had to make you breakfast.”

Raph took a deep breath. “Right. Okay.” His mouth twitched. “He made you do that?”

Leo just nodded. He was too choked up to speak, all of a sudden.

Stupid Fennec. Ruining his day before it’d even started.

The awkward and depressing scene was thankfully interrupted by a shout from Mikey in the other room: “It is ready!” 

Leo and Raph shared a glance, but before either of them could ask Mikey came bounding in, grabbing both of their hands then dragging them along behind him. He pulled them both into the TV room, then spun around and raised his arms in a grand flourish.

Leo looked around the room, which was decked out in various colourful streamers. Hanging slightly crookedly from the ceiling was a very colourful banner that read, The Celebrating Leo and Reaffirming our Love and Respect for Him Healthy Boundaries Seminar. 

“That’s a mouthful,” Leo joked weakly, rubbing his arm nervously. He felt skittish, all of a sudden, like a deer in the headlights. Even before… all this, he’d never exactly been a fan of these ‘seminars.’

No, they required a little something called emotional vulnerability. Which was totally not Leo’s thing. 

“Well, I considered calling it the Welcome Home Leo Seminar, but then I thought perpetrating the idea of Leo’s splintering identities would be detrimental to his recovery—” 

Blocking out Mikey’s insane rambling, Leo turned to Raph and asked, “You reckon he’ll notice if we run?”

“Don’t bother,” said a voice from the couch, and Leo startled, turning to see Donnie lying on the couch with his phone in his hand. He looked half asleep, mask still mussed and eyes bleary. “You can’t escape Dr. Feelings.”

Mikey cut himself off with a curt laugh, turning to face the three with a manic glint in his eyes. “Did I hear the word escape?”

“No!” they all assured, suddenly feeling nervous. 

Mikey blinked, his blinding smile returning. “Well, then, let’s begin, shall we?” He gestured to the bean bags, which Leo saw now were arranged in a semicircle facing the TV. “I want to start by saying that these sessions are entirely for your benefit, Leo, and so if you ever are uncomfortable we’ll stop, okay?” Mikey gave him a small smile, squeezing his hand briefly. “We’re doing this because we care. No other reason.”

Leo nodded, willing the twisting in his stomach to stop. He believed Mikey. He did. “Okay.”

They all got settled in the bean bags. Leo shifted in place, but couldn’t find a comfortable position. 

“To start off this session, I think it would be beneficial to put how you’re feeling and what you’re going through into words, so that you can take those first few steps towards overcoming it,” he continued, picking up an orange clipboard and tapping his pen against it. “And, as always, your loving family will be right by your side taking those steps with you. Is that okay with you, Leo?”

Leo blinked, feeling uncomfortable about being addressed so many times. “Uh… yeah.”

“Alright. Well, I think the first thing we need to acknowledge and unpack is the dehumanisation that... uh, a certain someone subjected you to for... too long.” Mikey carefully watched Leo's expression, and it made his skin crawl despite his gentle tone. “By targeting your identity and sense of self, he was able to, essentially, rebuild you into whatever he wanted.”

Leo’s eye twitched slightly, and his shoulders rolled into himself and he sunk further into his bean bag. He could feel everyone looking at him, their eyes raking against his skin like hot knives, sinking deep into flesh and bone. He didn’t want to be here anymore. “Not like I’m human to begin with,” he joked weakly, attempting a smirk that fell flat. “If anything, it’d be deturtleisation, am I right?”

His joke was met with an awkward silence, broken only by the scratching of Mikey’s pen on his clipboard. 

“Wait, what are you writing?” Panic started to filter in, creeping through his ribcage and sending his heart pounding. The room was closing in, constricting; the colourful bean bags and sewer walls began to fade slightly, superimposed with the ghost of beige walls and a pink bed sheet. 

Mikey turned his clipboard to face him, where he’d written ‘uses humour as a coping mechanism’ in neat handwriting. 

An all too familiar burning humiliation began to trickle inside his chest and up his throat, constricting it until he felt like he could barely breathe. The sensation felt too much like the utter lack of privacy, the too-piercing red eyes that always burnt on his skin. Static gathered like storm clouds at the outskirts of his mind.

“I think it might help to take that power away from Vulpes,” Mikey continued. “Recognising that he’s just an evil yokai and has no control over you will help to break that sense of dependence. You’ve already taken some great steps in that direction, Leo.” Mikey turned back to him, cocking his head with a proud smile. “Now that we have an idea of what you’re struggling with, we’ll be with you every step of the way.”

Leo's heart jumped to his throat at the mere mention of... that name. His hands started to shake, Mikey’s voice becoming muffled as a pervasive ringing sounded in his ears. 

“—an evil yokai and has no control over you will—”  

Leo squeezed his hands, digging his nails into his skin. The familiar pain grounded him, reaching into his head and tethering those spiralling, slippery thoughts. Pulling him back from the brink. From the memories. 

“—with you every step of the way—”  

The muffled noise stopped, and Leo dared to look up, wondering what Mikey had been saying. The box turtle had a warm smile gracing his features, but as he stared it began to shift, taking on a sharper edge, like jagged steel. Like furred lips and gleaming fangs and— 

“—your sense of self and independence. This will be important in—”

Leo’s lungs were about to explode with the pressure of his heaving breaths, his shell squeezing and squeezing. He could see the room, the bars, Fennec’s malicious smile, the soap suds floating in the air as fire raked through him and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t he couldn’t—   

“Can—can I please go to my room, sir?” he whispered reflexively, blinded by a need to escape the eyes and scrutiny. As soon as the words registered, he froze, feeling rather than hearing his brothers’ sharp intakes of breath. The violently flashing sights and sensations disappeared, leaving him alone in the heavy silence of his home.

“Of course,” Mikey breathed after a moment. “You… you don’t need—”

Leo was gone before he finished his sentence, not even looking up at him. 

Leo spent the remainder of the day in his room. 

He didn’t even do anything, just sat straight-backed on his bed, staring into space and trying desperately to forget the exact shade of red Fennec’s eyes were. He’d tried to entertain himself with some of the many comics lining the walls, but he couldn’t get himself to focus, mind a tangle of panic and dread and guilt.

Worst of all, though, was the shame. Shame that made him want to burn off all his skin, that burrowed deep into sinew and bone, entwined within him so thoroughly he didn’t think he could ever be rid of it. It’d become a constant companion, in the early days with Fennec, but at some point it’d become so natural he’d forgotten what it felt like. He’d drifted away into cognitive dissonance, distancing himself from his identity in order to cope. To survive. 

Because Leonardo would never beg and grovel, would never demean himself, would never serve a madman in such a bafflingly humiliating way. 

But he did. 

And now that that distance was gone, it was like the degradation and shame he’d been subjected to for the past year had hit him all at once until he was drowning in it, his mind replaying every moment, every touch, every humiliation with horrible clarity. 

It was frustrating.

He’d been doing so well. He even slept in this morning! He thought he was getting better. 

Even though his stomach started to rumble after a few hours, desperate for food, Leo couldn’t bring himself to go to the kitchen. The thought of the others’ eyes on him right now made his stomach curl with nausea, curbing his appetite. 

At some point, there was a tentative knock on his wall, then Raph’s quiet voice saying, “Mikey made ya some dinner. He feels really bad about the seminar, and he wanted me ta tell ya he’s sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Leo replied softly, the words an automatic response. Truthfully, he was still frustrated, but that feeling was drowned out by an all-consuming sense of guilt. His brothers had gone above and beyond for him, had done so much to help him, and somehow Leo had the audacity to be annoyed they were doing it in the wrong way?

“It’s… okay to not be okay, Leo,” Raph said stiltedly, like he wasn’t really sure what he was saying. 

Leo was pretty sure Mikey had drilled all those therapy phrases into his head. He groaned silently, leaning his head back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. “I said I’m fine, Raph.”

Raph didn’t say anything for a moment, and panic started to creep in; had he been too aggressive? Had he crossed a line? They said that it was okay to express his emotions, but could he really trust that?

Fennec had said things, too.

Shaking his head to rid it of those churning, sticky thoughts, Leo only just managed to catch the tail end of what Raph said. “—st you, Leo. Let one of us know if ya need anythin’, okay?”

“Okay.”

Raph shuffled away, leaving Leo in silence. He counted to one hundred to be sure he was really gone, then opened the door and dragged the plate inside. 

The food was warm.

The next morning, Leo awoke at 7:00 am sharp. 

He was already out of bed, fixing up his sheets, when he remembered where he was. Remembered he wasn’t there; he was home. 

Sending one last, longing look towards his bed, Leo turned away. He grabbed some sweat pants and a hoodie from his closet, throwing them both on. Despite nearly his entire body being covered, he still felt exposed, like the thick fabric was nothing more than paper.

He paused for a second at his door, looking at the blue metal apprehensively. Just yesterday he’d walked into the rest of the Lair without a care in the world, untouched by the shame that now surrounded him like a cloak.

Why was this so hard? Why today?

With a shaky breath, he slid his hood on and pulled it taut, so the only part of him showing was his face. Still, though, it didn’t feel like enough; his skin was on fire, phantom touches and shame crawling all over him like a swarm of ants. 

“Man up, Leo,” he whispered with frustration, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “They’re your family. They love you.”

“You know I love you, don’t you, kappa?” Sharp fangs peeking out from a seemingly innocuous smile, eyes shining with obsession.

Before he could spiral into a panic attack, Leo turned the handle and pushed open the door, shuffling quietly into the hallway. He cast a glance left and right, and only let himself breathe when he saw that it was empty.

He didn’t think he could handle being seen today. 

Quietly, he started to make his way to the kitchen, praying that Mikey hadn’t gotten up yet to cook so he could snag a sandwich or something, then retreat to the safety of his room. As frustrated and guilty he was about this backwards leap in progress, the feeling of wrongness was so potent that Leo thought he could settle for just surviving the day. He could worry about progress and healing and all of the stuff Mikey talked about when he didn’t feel like ripping his own skin off. 

Nearly there, he thought as he approached the final corner to his destination, relief sweeping through him. He turned the corner—

—and ran face-first into Mikey.

Panic immediately set in, clouding his thoughts and sending his heart into a frenzy. Mikey had been knocked to the floor, and he was holding his ankle with a grimace, pain written across his expression. 

Everything inside Leo froze, ice creeping through his nerves, through his veins until his blood came to a sluggish stop. He hurt Mikey.

“I—” he tried to say, tried desperately to apologise and avoid the righteous fury that was surely coming, the punishment and pain and shame and choking electricity, he couldn’t handle this right now he couldn’t please he was sorry— 

“—with me, Leo. Breathe with me, okay?” a soft, gentle voice drifted on the tattered edges of his mind, something about it soothing the panic raging through him. “In…. and out.”

A warm hand settled over his plastron, rubbing comforting circles into it. The touch, so kind, so loving, the complete opposite of what his mind was screaming at him was coming, served as an anchor. Leo started to drag himself out of his twisting, spiralling thoughts, focusing on his lungs, the sensation of air filling them.

“In… and out.”

Eventually, his vision cleared, enough clarity returning to his mind for the shame to return. He was sitting on the floor, with Mikey in front of him, one hand on his plastron and the other holding Leo’s. There was a comforting smile on his face, but it couldn’t mask the furrow of his brows, the discontent burning behind his eyes. 

“Are you angry?” Leo asked breathlessly, already cringing away in anticipation of his answer. 

“No, I’m not angry,” Mikey answered with conviction. He removed his hand from Leo’s plastron, placing it casually in his lap. “Why do you think I would be?”

Mikey’s tone was carefully neutral, giving nothing away as to his intentions or feelings. Leo swallowed thickly, debating how to answer. 

Oh, how Leo loathed questions. He’d learned how to best avoid the traps laid out for him with unassuming words, but as hesitant as he was to admit it his little brother could be like a stranger to him. 

“I, um…” His gaze flickered to Mikey’s ankle, which was extended in front of him, already turning a nasty purple colour. “Because… I hurt you.”

“That’s okay!” he assured, beaming brightly at him. “Accidents happen all the time. Remember that time Raph knocked Donnie off his skateboard and broke his arm? He was so guilty about it for so long, but none of us were angry at him for it.”

Leo nodded wordlessly, trying his best to absorb Mikey’s words past the relentless voices in his head screaming that he was in danger. Trying to calm his racing heart and drown out the itching of his skin. He turned his gaze towards his hands, which were lying on his legs, trembling just slightly.

Focusing on them, he attempted to keep them still, but couldn’t quite manage it. He felt too restless, like he needed to jump out of his skin.

“Sorry,” he whispered, voice cracking slightly. He didn’t look up at Mikey, too afraid to see his expression.

“I forgive you,” he returned simply, leaving no room for argument in his quietly forceful words. “Now, c’mon. We should probably get off the floor before Donnie trips over us on his way to his morning coffee.”

Leo nodded, standing so fast that his head started to spin, then reached a hand down to help Mikey up. Despite how staunchly he’d assured Leo it wasn’t his fault, he still felt the sour curl of guilt in the back of his throat as Mikey’s face scrunched in pain when he put weight on his injured leg. 

“I can…” Leo started, mouth going dry when Mikey turned his attention to him. “Uh… Med Bay. I can treat it.”

“Good idea,” Mikey nodded. 

But Leo didn’t move, looking at Mikey’s knee with a troubled expression. “You shouldn’t… walk on that.” He winced, then backtracked, “I mean—I don’t think you should. It might… get worse. But you can! If you… want to.”

Mikey laid a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look back at his face. He was radiating calmness through his easy smile and wide open eyes, like a strong wind in the midst of a storm, filling his sails and helping guide him in the right direction. “How ‘bout a piggy back?”

Leo opened his mouth, then closed it. They… they hadn’t done this for years. As per Mikey’s request, though, he crouched in front of the box turtle, allowing him to clamber up on his shell.

The weight was… comforting, he thought. It was slight, as small as Mikey was, but it felt grounding. (Like someone needing him. Relying on him.)

They spent the short walk to the Med Bay in tentatively peaceful silence, and when they arrived Leo deposited his brother on one of the cots, turning hastily away to rifle through the cabinets. He could feel Mikey’s eyes boring into his shell, but he attempted to ignore it as he guided his shaking hands towards the ice box. When he finally had the slippery ice pack under his fingers, he turned around, grabbing a roll of bandages.

Despite the fact that he hadn’t done First Aid on anyone in well over a year, Leo lost himself in the familiar motions as he treated Mikey’s ankle, various memories of childhood scrapes and bruises filtering through his mind. 

Mikey didn’t speak as he worked, just reclined against the bed and watched him, eyes sharp like he was working out a particularly difficult problem. Leo tried to ignore it, but it was persistent, and he was reminded of why he was sneaking through the Lair in the morning when the feeling of burning returned to his skin. 

“Done,” he breathed once he’d splinted the ankle (probably overkill, since he didn’t think it was severe, but he wasn’t taking any risks) and stepped back, sending a longing glance towards the door. He wanted nothing more than to disappear into his room and not come out for a month, but he felt glued to the spot, like he couldn’t leave until Mikey gave him permission.

“Thanks, Leo. Feels good as new.”

Leo nodded, and the silence stretched, awkward tension blooming in the air. Strangely, Leo thought that maybe beneath his mask of calm Mikey was just as nervous as him; he kept glancing between Leo and the door, gnawing gently on his bottom lip. 

“Can… can I go?” Leo asked in a small voice, feeling like the shame would swallow him whole but needing the permission. 

Mikey’s face twisted just slightly. “Of course you can go if you want to, Leo, but… can you stay for a second?” He winced slightly, then amended, “It’s up to you, of course! No one is keeping you here. You can leave whenever you like.”

Leo turned it over in his head, weighing his options. On one hand, he desperately wanted to escape to be alone, but on the other… he couldn’t leave his little brother when he was upset. “I can stay.”

Mikey turned his attention to his hands, fiddling with a roll of bandages he must’ve grabbed off the cabinet. It was like a strange reversal of the dynamic; suddenly, Mikey was the one hesitating, drowning in shame. “About the seminar yesterday… I’m sorry.”

Leo blinked, mind screeching to a confused halt. “Why?”

“I was too pushy,” he explained, shrinking in on himself slightly as guilt crept across his face. “I’m supposed to be Dr. Feelings, but I couldn’t even tell that it was too soon for you. Rather than help you, I just brought your trauma back up and hindered your progress.”

As Leo studied his little brother’s expression, watching the way he fidgeted and avoided Leo’s eyes, he decided that shame didn’t look good on him. As awful as his panic was, he’d prefer it to seeing his precious little brother curling in on himself like he wanted to disappear.

Leo thought that maybe he was starting to understand what his brothers felt like around him.

Although his first instinct was to reassure Mikey that he’d done nothing wrong, that it was Leo’s fault, that it was always Leo’s fault, he fought it, choosing instead to think about yesterday. 

“I wasn’t ready,” he agreed, face twitching. “You—you did… upset me. But I forgive you.”

Mikey sagged in visible relief, his frown curling into a smile. “Thank you, Leo,” Mikey said brightly. “And I’m really proud of you! You articulated how you feel really well and established boundaries. That’s some great progress.”

A hesitant smile flickered to life on Leo’s face, and he sucked in a deep breath, the persistent feeling of being in danger finally starting to recede. It was just him, and his little brother, standing in the Med Bay. In their home.

Mikey shifted on his cot. “You can go now, if you want.”

Leo turned to look at the door, thinking of privacy and four walls, thinking of spending the whole day drowning in memories and shame. “No, I’ll stay. If you… want company.”

Mikey lit up like the sun, his teeth almost blinding as he beamed at him. “Uh, shell yeah I’d like some company! C’mon, let’s hang! There’s room on my cot, I’ll scooch over…” 

“Aw, how cute. They’re hugging.”

Donnie’s deadpan voice drifted to Leo from the door, and he startled awake, realising with a jolt that he’d fallen asleep in Mikey’s Med Bay cot. 

He felt… rested. Like he’d actually managed to get some shuteye without any nightmares or memories tormenting him. 

That was a first. 

Mikey looked up from his sketchbook where he’d been doodling some flowers, waving excitedly at Donnie. “Hey, Dee! What’s up?”

Donnie shrugged, walking further into the room and stopping beside the cot, arms folded in front of his plastron. “Other than the reprehensible lack of coffee in the kitchen, not much.”

Mikey’s eyes widened. “Oh, Donnie, I’m sorry! I must’ve forgotten to restock with everything going on. I can go now—”

Donnie raised a hand, gesturing for Mikey to shut up. “As much as I appreciate the offer, Angelo, I think our resident medic here would kill me if I let you walk on that ankle.”

Straightening at the addressal, Leo nodded in agreement. “Uh huh. You’re not going anywhere for at least a few days, mi hermano.”

Donnie gave him a smile, then turned back to Mikey. “Will you two be okay here if I go to the store? I believe Raph’s around somewhere, and so’s Dad.”

Mikey leaned back against the pillows. “Yeah, we’ll be fine. Ooh! Can you swing by Hueso’s on the way back?”

Already turning his back to leave, Donnie waved a hand over his shoulder without looking back at them. “Sure thing, Mikey. Won’t be long.”

The soft shell walked out the door, hands tucked into the pockets of his favourite purple hoodie. Heading towards the surface, then the Hidden City. Towards fresh air and freedom.

“Wait!” Leo shouted after Donnie, heart stammering to a stop when his brainy brother turned to look at him. “Can I come too?”

Donnie’s brow furrowed slightly, eyes flickering over to Mikey. The box turtle frowned, turning his face to Leo. “Are you sure, Leo? The last time you left was… y’know, it was…”

Leo shrunk in on himself slightly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been outside just because. It was either on a mission for Fennec or in the midst of a mental breakdown; he missed long strolls, visits to Hueso’s, leaping over rooftops. “This turtle needs some air. I’ll be fine, Mikey.”

Mikey glanced over at Donnie, who was still standing in the doorway, then sighed. “If you’re sure,” he acquiesced. “But bring your sword and your phone, okay? Be careful.”

“Always am,” Leo said with a salute, clambering out of bed. “Sorry to leave you hanging, Miguel. Want me to find Raph to hang out with you?”

Mikey waved a hand in the air. “Nah, I’ll be fine. The art mojo has come back so I’m gonna do some drawing!”

Sending him one last smile, feeling something warm fizzle into existence inside him at the fond expression on Mikey’s face, Leo turned to Donnie. The soft shell was staring at Leo, the slight crinkle in his forehead between his big beautiful eyebrows the only hint that he was slightly troubled. “I’ll go grab my sword. Be right back.”

As Leo darted through the halls towards his room, he tried his best to ignore the hushed whispers of concern coming from the Med Bay. They obviously didn’t think he was ready, but Leo was sick of not being able to do things he used to be able to. He just wanted to be as carefree and happy as his former self again. As free. Back when his whole life didn't feel shadowed by... him . 

When Leo reached his room, he grabbed his sword and took a breath, concentrating on the way the air filled his lungs. He slowly let it out and held his sword up, the blade glinting in the sliver of light from the hallway. He saw his reflection, and the corner of his mouth quirked up. 

Leo was his own person. And as a person, with thoughts and feelings and free will, he’d decided that he wanted to go outside.

So that was what he was gonna do.

With this new sense of resolve leaving him feeling lighter, he returned to Donnie and sheathed his sword. "Alright, I'm ready." 

Donnie hesitated for a second before nodding, turning to head towards the sewer entrance. Leo fell into step behind him, his insides bubbling with a mix of excitement and nerves despite his earlier calm. They spent the walk in silence, which for once didn't feel heavy or awkward. It felt... natural. Peaceful, even. It just was, not something that Leo felt needed to be filled. It was nice.

When they finally reached a manhole and climbed out into an alleyway, the first thing Leo noticed was the air.

It was as fresh as it was invigorating, feeling as if it brushed off the lingering shame that still clung to Leo. The sun bore down from the blue sky, not harshly but gently, like a loving embrace. Look, Leo loved the sewers—it was his home, after all—but he couldn’t deny that the smell was foul.  

“So, where are we headed, Dontron?” he asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet as a childlike excitement he hadn't felt in so long started to race through him.

Donnie glanced over at him, some of the concern melting away as he saw the excitement radiating from the slider. “To the supermarket to purchase some more instant coffee sachets, then to Run of the Mill. Unless there's anywhere else you'd like to go?” 

Leo scrunched his face into a frown as he thought. He couldn't really remember any of his old favourite places to visit; it felt like several lifetimes had passed since he'd been that carefree. Still, he didn't let it faze him; he was determined to enjoy this outing.

Leo needed to take back control of his own life.

“No, that sounds good,” Leo answered with ease, tucking his thumbs into his belt. “Let’s go, Donald!” 

Wordlessly, Donnie led the way, leaping easily over rooftops and occasionally using his Battle Shell to assist him (cheater.) Leo allowed his mind to drift away on the slight breeze as he just ran, feet leading him in a familiar dance across the rooftops.

He’d missed this. 

When Donnie ducked into the store to grab his coffee, Leo stayed on the roof, legs hanging over the edge and surveying the ground below. He was already feeling so much calmer, so much more like himself. Fresh air really did work wonders. 

It was almost strange to see so many humans milling about, going about their mundane lives. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d seen one other than April. 

After a few minutes, Donnie emerged, passing Leo something white and soft without looking at him.

“What’s this?” Leo turned the object over in his hands, running his fingers over the soft material. He realised with a surprised smile that it was a unicorn plush, with a rainbow mane and a horn. “Is… this for me?”

Donnie nodded, the slight flushing of his cheeks giving Leo the impression that he was embarrassed. “I saw it and thought of you.”

His heart swelled, some of the jagged edges knitting themselves together as Leo hugged the plushie to his plastron. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me; I know I’m amazing,” Donnie said with a dismissive wave, turning away. “Now, come! This pizza will not purchase itself.”

Hueso's looked just like Leo remembered.

He nearly stopped in his tracks when the familiar facade came into view, fond memories drifting to the forefront of his mind and making him feel like he’d stepped backwards in time. He continued on, though, steps emboldened by the feeling of normalcy this place gave him.

Considering his disastrous start to the day, he'd salvaged it pretty well. Go Neon Leon.

He bounced excitedly behind Donnie while the soft shell pushed open the door, peeking over his shoulder for a glimpse of his favourite bone man. And there he was, in all his skeletal glory, drifting from table to table, harsh features bathed in the warm glow of the overhead lights.

A massive grin formed on Leo's face, and he ducked under Donnie's arm, darting towards Hueso. “ Señor ! You missed me?”

The man straightened up, the metal plate he'd been carrying dropping out of his hand and landing with a solid clang. His eyes sockets widened, if that was even possible. “... Pepino?”

That Spanish nickname, spoken in Hueso’s staccato, accented cadence washed over Leo like some long-forgotten nostalgia, a pleasant dream on the fringes of consciousness. 

Leo’s eyes started to burn, and he scrubbed at them hard with the palm of his hand. His smile hadn’t faded, but his elation was tempered by a heavy sense of loss, of mourning. 

“Pepino…” Hueso looked the slider up and down, his mouth agape despite the unflappable manner in which he usually held himself. “You—you are alright? You have come home?” His voice was only slightly unsteady, the waver so subtle it was barely noticeable.

But Leo noticed. 

“Aw, I knew you cared!” he crowed, blinking back the tears desperately and fighting to maintain his broad smile. 

A smile grew on Hueso’s face, one that was more familiar—sedate but sharp with the promise of his lightning fast wit. “Only about my poor sales. I nearly lost my restaurant without you hungry turtles coming in here every week!”

Leo chuckled, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms to hide their slight trembling. Why did he suddenly feel so hollow? Like a piece of his heart was missing? Leo wasn't sad right now, quite the opposite in fact. But there was something about being here, in this mundane everyday place, just grabbing some pizza with his twin, that undid something inside him. He hadn't realised just how much he'd missed this until now—the quiet chatter of others and the warm, soft lights illuminating the space. It showed just how much had been taken from him. 

“The usual, I take it?” Hueso asked, having regained his stoic disposition as he picked up the plate and tucked it casually under his arm. 

“Indeed, my good compatriot,” Donnie said as he sidled up next to Leo, sliding some money onto the counter. “And do not worry; we intend to duly make up for our recent lack of support for your honourable business.”

Hueso paused for a second, smile softening just slightly, his empty eye sockets somehow radiating fondness. “Consider it on me today.” He slid the money back towards Donnie, whose eyes widened.

Then the skeleton yokai was gone, through the back door to the kitchen. Donnie pocketed the cash, sitting down on a stool next to Leo. 

“It looks just how I remember,” Leo whispered thickly, trailing his eyes over the booths and tables, mind replaying hazy memories of late nights and after-patrol meals. 

Donnie nodded, tapping his fingers against the wooden counter. “Almost feels like we’ve travelled back in time.” 

Leo stared at the restaurant for a few more seconds before tearing his eyes away and turning to his brother. “Did you guys come here while… I was gone?”

“I think April brought Raph and Mikey here a few times.” Donnie leaned his head on a hand, tracing a finger absentmindedly over the patterns in the wood. “I… wasn’t exactly keen on coming along.”

A lump formed in Leo’s throat, and he exhaled through his nose with irritation. Why did everything have to be tainted with a veneer of misery, why did everything good in his life have to remind him of all he’d lost?

“Well, if it’s half as good as I remember, I’m sure we’re gonna have a great night.” Leo elbowed Donnie in the shoulder. “C’mon, cheer up, Mr. Dark-and-Brooding! We’re at Run of the Mill getting pizza. Life is good!”

“Life is good,” Donnie repeated with a small smile, some of the tension leaking out of his shoulders. 

“Your pizzas,” Hueso said as he returned, balancing a sizable stack of pizza boxes seemingly effortlessly. There were at least eight—way more than they usually ordered—but Leo didn't mention it. He just gave the man a grateful smile as he accepted the offering, nearly dropping them all when he gave him a one-fingered salute.

“‘Til next time, Bone Man!” 

He and Donnie bustled out the doors, and over the hubbub of the restaurant Leo was just able to make out Hueso's soft, “Until next time.”

Leo’s skin was on fire.

There was a crawling, pervasive itch creeping all over him, up his spine and down his arms up to his neck. His fingers twitched desperately where they were clasped around his arms, the desire to find something sharp and slice at his skin until that feeling went away clamouring deafeningly in his brain. 

And even though he wanted nothing more than to curl up in his room and scratchscatchscratch until he finally ripped out that feeling of unease, the sight of Donnie’s face when he found out about it stuck in his brain. He remembered how the corners of his mouth had trembled, watery eyes wavering with so much horror and emotion. 

He remembered how he’d made him promise to find one of them, if it happened again. 

He… he had to try. Even if the desire to inflict pain upon himself, pain he knew he deserved, was so thick it choked him. He had to. For them. 

Slowly, carefully, he lowered his trembling hands back to his sides, taking a long, deep breath. Next, he stood up, focusing on placing his foot down, then his other, and then opening the door. It was late, and the lair was thick with the sort of still silence only night could bring.

Breaths coming sharply, Leo focused on each step, unsure of where his feet were leading him until he found himself standing at the doorway to the TV room. Splinter’s commercials blared softly from deeper in the room. 

He paused for a second, blowing a shaky breath out, rubbing his upper arms. He could do this. He just had to walk in there, and explain to his dad that… that he wanted to hurt himself…

Oh, pizza supreme in the sky, he couldn’t do this. 

He was ready to retreat to his room and tough out the compulsions by himself when the buzz of static suddenly cut out, and soft, pattering footsteps approached the door.

Leo froze.

“Hello?” Splinter called. “Is someone there?”

Deflating slightly, Leo stepped through the door into the flickering light of the now muted TV, avoiding his father’s eyes. “Uh… hi, Dad.”

The rat took another step forwards, reaching a clawed hand towards Leo’s cheek before hesitating, dropping it back to his side. “Are you alright, Blue? It is rather late.”

“Past your bedtime, old man,” Leo joked weakly, tone flat. 

Splinter chuckled ruefully, placing a featherlight hand on Leo’s shell and gently leading him towards the couch. “Come, have a seat. I think you will find my commercials very entertaining.”

Leo collapsed into the couch, sinking slightly into the plush material. Splinter settled next to him with a sigh of contentment, but he didn’t reach for the remote to unmute the TV; Leo could feel his eyes burning trails into the side of his head. 

“I’m fine,” he assured, the crack in his voice giving an impression of being decidedly not fine. “You don’t have to worry.” Leo’s grip tightened on his arm. A prick of pain bloomed, some of the buzzing tension starting to escape. 

“I’m afraid it is my job to worry.” 

Biting back a sudden surge of irritation, Leo curled further down into himself. “Well, don’t.”

“If you need to talk, about anything, I am here, my son,” Splinter assured in a soft whisper, the gentle words sneaking past Leo’s walls and into his heart, where they burned like a warm candle. “If not, then I will sit with you for as long as you need.”

With that, he picked up the remote and unmuted the TV, turning his attention back to it. Leo exhaled shakily, relieved to have the piercing eyes of his father off him. 

They sat together for a while. He couldn’t be sure of how long; Leo spent most of the time in a semi-coherent state, doing his best to block out the blaring memory of what had set this off in the first place.

Trying to bury the guilt, the shame, that seeped through his insides like the dew on a winter morning, so scalding hot that it was ice cold. 

Because this morning, he’d woken up and thought I miss Fennec. 

The weight of those words had only set in a few moments afterwards, when the haze of sleep had started to recede, and a curling, sharp feeling of wrongness had started to germinate deep in his chest.

He—he was Leo. He was Splinter’s son. He was Donnie’s, Raph’s, and Mikey’s brother. He was a turtle mutant ninja teenager, and he spent his days beating up bad guys and doing sick skateboard tricks. He wasn’t the kappa, the obedient pet of a twisted man, living out his days both yearning for and dreading the fox’s attention.

At least, he didn’t think he was.

Sitting next to his father, watching various versions of ‘Scorpion Treadmill’ ads play across the TV in fitful bursts of colour, he was scared that he was losing it. That he was losing all this, the life he’d fought to return to, himself. 

He wanted to seize Splinter’s hand in his, just to be sure he was real. To be sure this was real. But from this angle, the furred palms and sharp claws had enough of a resemblance to Fennec’s to curb those desires. 

He snuck a glance at the rat, who would’ve seemed fully absorbed in his commercials if it weren’t for the slight furrow in his brow, the occasional twitch of his whiskers. Leo was familiar enough with his father’s mannerism to recognise how he was feeling.

Worried. 

Something that, prior to that day, was exceedingly uncommon in him, and ever since had been a permanent fixture. 

“I—I—” Leo stuttered, overcome with a need to just let it out, all the shame saturating his whole being. Splinter looked over at him, face equal parts gentle and expectant, muting the TV once again. “I… sometimes… I miss him.”

For a breathless second, Leo watched his father’s face intently, scanning for any hints of disgust or judgement. His lungs felt heavy with dread, like he couldn’t quite take in air no matter how hard he tried. 

“I see,” Splinter replied slowly, expression frustratingly inscrutable. “What is it about him that you miss?”

Turning his attention to the shaky hands in his lap, Leo whispered, “I don’t—I don’t know. He—his hugs were so warm and—and made me feel like nothing bad could touch me, but that’s stupid because he was bad and he was touching me, but that—I dunno, that’s how it felt. And… and it was kind of nice, sometimes, in a really messed up way. Having someone tell me what to do. Made things… eas—easier. ”

He felt hands tentatively wrap around his own, and Leo glanced down to see his nails had dug into his flesh so hard he'd drawn blood. His eyes flickered back up to meet the concerned gaze of his loving father, who now gently held his son's hands. Firm enough to ground him, yet soft enough so Leo didn't feel like he was trapped.

The shame spiked in his chest, so intense that it ached; he wanted to reach inside himself and just tear it out, this sticky, diseased sensation of being wrong. Bad.    

“After… after everything he did, everything he did to me… why do I still miss him?”

Splinter was silent for a second, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. He looked both older and younger than ever before. “How much do you know of my… history with Big Mama?”

Leo blinked, thrown by the sudden change in topic. “Only that you're her, and I quote, snuggle muffin beefcake,” he answered, allowing a hint of humour to creep into his voice.

“Ah, yes,” Splinter sighed longingly, a hazy film of fond memories creeping over his eyes. “There was that, the love, the affection, the obsession. My life felt complete only when I was with her.” 

Splinter's expression sobered, something darker passing behind his eyes. “But then the woman I loved imprisoned me, and forced me to fight. She inflicted suffering upon suffering on me, and so one would think that after all that, I'd have nothing left in my heart for her but hate.” He sucked a breath in, shoulders drooping as something like vulnerability flickered across the usually untouchable mutant's face. Then, reluctantly, he finished, “One would be wrong.”

“You…” Leo's brows furrowed. “You still love her?”

Splinter nodded, sighing deeply. “I do. And sometimes, just like you, I feel guilt and shame for my feelings.”

Leo shifted, something thick and heavy blooming in his chest. “So… how do you deal with it?”

“I am not known for my healthy coping mechanisms,” Splinter said with a self-deprecating chuckle, gesturing at the TV in front of them. “However, over the years, I’ve managed to separate my true feelings from the lingering fondness of a different time. I also try to remember that I am not at fault for the dependence she forced upon me.” He took Leo’s hands in his, and continued, “If nothing else, please understand this, Leonardo. You did not choose for him to hurt you, nor did you choose to love him.”

Something loosened in Leo, gently unravelling until he finally felt like he could breathe again. “Wow. Who knew you were so wise,” he joked breathlessly, wiping away a tear that’d rolled down his face. “... Thanks, Dad.”

Splinter leaned closer, planting a gentle kiss on Leo’s forehead. For a moment, the warmth of his fur made him feel like a child again, like he was safe from everything bad and scary in the world. 

The lingering memory of Fennec’s fur, his embraces, faded just slightly.

“You are most welcome, Blue.”

A gentle knock sounded on Leo's door, and he put down the comic he'd been reading. 

It squeaked open a moment later, and Raph poked his head in. “Hey, Leo, you reckon you'll be okay here with just Dad for a couple o' hours?”

Leo frowned slightly. “Why? Where are you going?” 

Raph pushed the door fully open, stepping into the room with a shrug. “Well, Raph thought it'd been a while since we went on any patrols, so we're gonna do a quick lap of the city. Show the bad guys who's boss.”

“What, and you didn't think to invite Neon Leon?” Leo asked in a faux light voice, a slight hurt coating it.

Raph winced slightly. “Well, of course we'd like ya to come, Leo, we just… dunno if you're ready. We just want ya to be safe.”

A pang of sharp anger knifed through Leo’s chest at his words, and he fought to keep it from showing on his face. “Can't I decide that for myself? I'm not a child, Raph.”  

Raph pinched the skin of his chasm with a sigh. “Leo, I'm sorry but I don't have time to argue about this. As your leader, I've decided that for the time being you ain't coming with us.” 

Blinking back tears of frustration, Leo crossed his arms, sinking down on the pillows. “Whatever you say, oh great and powerful leader.” 

Raph turned to go, but hesitated, glancing back at him. For a moment, the resolve in his eyes wavered, his stern leader determination being replaced by regret, but a second later it disappeared. “Bye, Leo.” 

Leo didn't say bye back as he closed the door behind him, his footsteps fading away into the silence. 

The room felt smaller than usual. Like rather than the safe haven it'd become, it was a metal tomb buried under the dirt; he was breathing his last shallow breaths of stale air. The unsteady sound echoed off the walls as he tightened his grip on the bed covers, bitter anger curling sharply in his stomach like acid. 

His family cared about him, deeply, and for that fact Leo couldn't be more grateful. But that cosy blanket of love could easily become suffocating, and Raph’s persistent lack of faith in him was starting to piss him off.

Raph didn't think he could handle patrol? Fine, then. Leo needed some air anyway. 

Scowl buried deep on his face, Leo threw off the covers, picked up his sword, then sliced a neat portal into the air. 

Stepping through it was an exhilaration Leo wasn't sure he'd ever tire of; his world turned weightless for the split second he was in the swirling blue of mystic limbo, until gravity pulled him down in a firm embrace as a warm building knitted itself into existence. For their part, the customers of Run of the Mill barely spared the strange turtle a glance as he slid the sword back into its scabbard and let the portal close behind him. 

“Hola, Señor ,” he said in way of greeting to his favourite skeleton, sliding bonelessly onto one of the stools and leaning his arms on the counter to rest his chin on them. 

“Pepino,” the man said with a nod, raising a single eyebrow (not that he had any) as he took in the sight of Leo. “What brings you here? And without your brothers?” he added quietly, in a worried sort of tone.

“Needed some air.” Leo traced a pattern on the wood with a finger, avoiding the skeleton’s eye. “Besides, I wanted to hang with you, Señor .” 

“My doors are always open for my favourite turtle.” Hueso bustled around a bit behind the counter, and Leo let his eyes slide shut, losing himself in the normality of this place.

Here, there was no Raph looking at him like a sad puppy, or Donnie trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with him, or Mikey hosting disastrous seminars. Just a bunch of strangers, Señor Hueso , and some delicious pizza.

“Can I get a Hawaiian?” Leo asked, raising his head slightly.

Hueso didn't respond save for a nod, then disappeared into the kitchen. Leo blew a breath out, focusing on letting the tension leak out of his shoulders.

He was so tired. 

Hueso returned with his pizza just a few minutes later, setting the steaming pie in front of Leo, who managed to muster a wan smile. “Thanks, Hueso.” 

Unexpectedly, though, Hueso didn't bustle away to attend to his other customers; instead, he sighed, then pulled up a chair and sat himself down across from Leo. 

“Uh…” Leo smiled awkwardly at the grave-faced yokai. “Not too keen on sharing my pizza, mi amigo.”

“I have no interest in your pizza,” he said with a slight look of disgust, shuddering. “I do, however, have an interest in why you are here alone with such sad eyes. I am no Michelangelo, but if necessary I can be a set of ears to listen.” He hesitated, then shrugged. “Metaphorically, of course. I do not have ears.”

“I appreciate that, but that's exactly what I'm trying to get away from.” Leo sat up straighter, propping his head up on his arm. “I'm sick of talking about my feelings and being handled with kid gloves. I just wanna be carefree Leo again.”

“Forgive my confusion,” Hueso started, frowning slightly, “but you are still Leo, si?” 

Leo’s face darkened. “Not the right Leo, apparently.” 

“How can one not be the right version of themself?” he asked with genuine confusion, eye sockets open wide. “It is in the nature of people to change. The version you are at any given time is the true version.” 

Leo stared at him for a second, the gentle hubbub of the restaurant washing over him. Hueso wasn't looking at him with pity, but instead a genuine desire for understanding.

It felt… nice. To be treated like someone who was independent. 

“Never took you for a sap,” Leo joked.

“I shall respect your wishes and not pry any further.” Hueso adjusted his tie. “Would you like company, or would you prefer I leave you to your own devices?”

“No, this is—this is nice.” Leo smiled, fluttering but genuine. “I mean, if that's okay with you of course. You've got a restaurant to run after all, I shouldn't waste your time.”

Hueso shook his head, a fond smile playing on his lips. “Oh, Pepino. Time with you is not time wasted. I am investing in future sales, you see—spoiling my most diligent customer.” 

Some of the weight seemed to lift off Leo’s chest, and a smile broke on his face easily. “Yeah, you couldn't afford to lose me. Your business would tank.”

Hueso leaned back in his chair, the picture of ease and casualness, which seemed odd on the usually uptight skeleton. “So tell me, Pepino. Have you read any of your little comics recently? What are they called—Saturn Sam?”

“Ohmigosh I never thought you would ask! I read a new issue—it’s Jupiter Jim, bee tee dubs—and it was so cool! He had to fight this alien race that were, like, evil octopuses or something, and there was this crazy twist…” 

Leo must have sat there for hours, munching on pizza and talking Hueso’s nonexistent ears off about everything and nothing. True to his word, the man didn't pry any further, and treated Leo as he always used to. As if he was a slightly endearing, slightly annoying customer. 

“So this Atomic Lass is going to go rogue?”

Leo slapped a hand on the table in excitement, bouncing in his seat. “Yes!! I'm certain that's what they're foreshadowing and I am so excited! I reckon she'll—”

Riiiiiiing.

Leo froze, smile slipping off his face as he grabbed his ringing phone out of his belt. 

The caller ID was Raphadoodle.  

Leo stared at it for a second, doing the math. It was midnight, so they must've gotten back from patrol now to find an empty Lair. 

They were probably freaking the shell out. 

Leo really should answer the call.

He very carefully sat it on the table, staring at the picture of Raph's face. Maybe he was being terrible, but he was still bitter about not being allowed on patrol, and he didn't want to go back home to get a lecture and more coddling. 

“Are you going to answer that?” Hueso asked, and Leo's head whipped up to face the yokai.

“Uh…” He crossed his arms, shrugging. A stab of guilt bloomed in his stomach. “Nah.” 

Hueso's frown deepened, making the squirming feeling of guilt worse. “You did not tell them you came here?” 

Leo's eyes slid down to the counter, and he shook his head reluctantly. The muted buzzing of the phone on the wood seemed to grow louder, stabbing into his ears.

“They will worry. You should answer it.” 

Leo's lips twitched into a scowl, and he pressed hang up. “Too late.”

Hueso reached forward as if to accept the already terminated call, then sighed. “Pepino—”

“You said you wouldn't make me talk about it,” Leo accused, irritation surfacing in his chest like a cloud of ash. “I don't have to explain anything to you.” 

Hueso stared at him for a second, then stood up, straightening his suit. When he spoke, his voice was cold and distant. “We are about to close. Shall I put your pizza on your tab?”

Leo stared at him in betrayal, then scoffed, slapping his hands down on the counter and sliding off his stool. “Put it on Raph’s.”

“Very well.”

Earlier good mood ruined, Leo stalked towards the door, not sparing a backwards glance at the traitorous skeleton yokai. He shoved it open, starting to walk through, when Hueso called, “I enjoyed our talk, Pepino. I look forward to doing it again sometime.”

Leo stood still in the doorway, not looking back. “Sure.” 

He emerged in the alley, where the night air was thick and heavy, the relentless bite of cold already starting to nip at his skin. The moon was nearly full in the sky, bearing gently down on the city and bathing the place in a pale glow.

Without a particular destination in mind, Leo started to walk, the cold settling deep into his bones. It was almost like he couldn't feel it, though; a fuzzy static that he hadn't felt for so long was creeping back into his mind, seizing his spiraling thoughts and shoving them deep down where he couldn't touch them. His steps were mechanical as he scaled the fire escape, then continued across the rooftop.

He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go back where all his brothers thought they knew what was best for him, where he wasn't allowed to do certain things because he was too fragile. He was fine. They already saved him, and it'd been months since… everything.

He was back to normal. More or less.

So why was nothing normal? Why were the mundane aspects of his life before suddenly so unreachable, so impossible? 

Leo hated that they didn't believe in him, but most of all he hated that they might have been right.

He couldn't say how long he walked—maybe minutes, maybe hours—before distant voices caught on the wind, pounding footsteps running up behind him. Dimly, he was aware that his brothers had found him somehow, but he didn't want to acknowledge it so he just kept walking. 

A warm hand caught his shoulder, pulling him back and spinning him to face two flaming eyes. The sudden contact was like a bucket of ice water, shocking him out of his disassociation and plunging him mercilessly back into reality.

“The hell were ya thinkin’?” Raph demanded, his other hand settling heavily on Leo’s other shoulder. 

The thick fingers tightened on Leo’s frigid skin, and he winced. “That hurts, Raph, stop—”

“Do you know how worried we were?” Raph continued in a shout, drowning out Leo’s quiet words. A cold sliver of fear crept up Leo’s spine as he stared into Raph’s wide eyes, and for the first time in his life he was scared Raph was going to hurt him.

“I—”

“You could've died, Leo! Or been taken again! Don't you get it?” Raph pulled Leo closer until their snouts were nearly touching, and Leo could feel Raph’s hot breath tickling his face. “This isn't a game! This is real life!” 

“That’s enough!” 

Raph’s grip loosened as he turned towards the voice, and Leo was finally able to heave a breath in with his attention elsewhere. He tried to pull away, but his body wouldn't respond, so he just stood completely still. Paralysed with dread. Awaiting Raph’s rage.

Mikey stomped up to Raph, his usually bright face contorted into fury, and he wrenched Raph’s hands away from Leo. Without the support of his brother to hold him upright, Leo’s knees buckled— 

Only for smaller, gentler hands to catch him.

Carefully, Mikey slung Leo’s arm over his shoulder, wrapping his around the slider’s shell. “He's so cold,” he whispered, a puff of steam fluttering through the darkness as he spoke. “He’s barely conscious. How the fuck didn't you notice? Too busy yelling at him?”

The last part was directed towards Raph, Leo thought. The words were quiet and sharp as ice, weighty in the way of Mikey’s rare but explosive bursts of anger. 

He knew he should've been scared, surrounded by so much anger—he knew far too well what kind of pain resulted from things like that—but it was suddenly too hard to think, his thoughts curling like smoke between his fingers before he could fully catch them.

The next however long was a blur of sensations—cold stabbing deep into flesh, air tousling his mask, warm arms under his shell, footsteps slapslapslapping on concrete and panicked words. Despite the harsh chill, Leo felt oddly peaceful, like he was drifting on the fringes of a dreamless sleep, the fearful whispers of his mind pleasantly muffled.

“—okay, Donnie? He’s like ice, I don’t—” 

Where was he again? He wasn't sure. He remembered something about Hueso, and anger, and cold. And… Raph? 

“—down there, we need to warm him up—”  

The next sensation he registered, as he steadily dragged himself closer and closer to consciousness, was a shrill beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

A quiet groan built in the back of Leo’s throat, and he blindly raised a hand to turn off that racket. It was weirdly hard to do, though, like he was fighting through a thick layer of wet concrete, his muscles as weak as jelly. 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“... shut—shut up,” he slurred, the words getting stuck on his unresponsive tongue. He tried to open his eyes to locate the source of the sound, but even that task felt like too much, and they fluttered closed after opening just a sliver. 

He tried again, and this time succeeded; after blinking the blurriness out of his eyes, a white ceiling swam into view.

This wasn’t his bedroom. 

Panic jolted in his heart, and he shot up, arms trembling with the force of keeping himself upright. Sending fearful glances around the room, he noted the medical supplies and familiar walls, finally locating the source of the beeping as their makeshift heart rate monitor.

He was in the Med Bay. 

Breathing a sigh of relief, he collapsed back onto the bed, already worn out by the simple action of sitting up. He continued his inspection of the room, eyes eventually falling on a green and purple mound next to the bed.

Donnie was curled up in a ball on a crappy plastic chair, his slightly skewed mask revealing the deep bags under his eyes. He wasn’t wearing his Battle Shell, and his gear had been haphazardly discarded on the floor. 

As if sensing the slider’s attention, Donnie stirred slightly, one eye opening and eventually focusing on Leo. The two stared at each other for a second, before awareness returned to Donnie’s gaze and he jolted upright, sliding off the chair and falling onto the floor with an oof. 

A peal of shocked laughter left Leo’s lips, which he tamped down after a split second, suddenly aware of how vulnerable a position he was in. Also, the memories of last night—or earlier tonight?—had started to filter back in, and with it the fear and dread. 

He’d messed up. He’d really messed up.

Donnie clambered unsteadily back to his feet, sending Leo an unimpressed glare that couldn’t fully mask the relieved smile brewing on his face. “Nice to see you awake, sleeping beauty,” he grumbled tiredly, reaching over to the beeping machines and fiddling with something. “Well, I for one am pretty tired of this infernal noise. I’d say you’re safely out of the woods now.”

Donnie pressed a few buttons, and then the beeping cut out, Leo’s head clearing slightly at the lack of noise. “What… happened?” he asked, words slightly clearer. 

An indecipherable look passed over Donnie’s face, darkening his eyes. “You were your usual dum-dum self is what happened. You stayed out in the cold too long and contracted hypothermia. You’re just lucky we found you when we did.”

Leo frowned, attempting with frustrating difficulty to string his thoughts together. “How… did you find me?”

Donnie became very busy, fiddling with the machines and avoiding Leo’s eyes. “Uh… I definitely didn’t put a tracker inside you, he says convincingly. Cough cough.”

The details of last night suddenly returned full-force, and Leo gasped, attempting to push himself up again. “Raph! Where’s Raph, is he—is he still mad?”

Donnie gently grabbed his arms, guiding him to lean back on the pillows. “Raph’s topside, and no, he’s not mad anymore. At least, not at you.” 

Leo frowned at the word choice. “He’s… mad at himself?”

 “Is that really so surprising?” Donnie asked dryly, a sardonic smile covering his face. “That’s our big brother for you.”

Somehow, the thought of Raph being angry at himself sat even more uncomfortably in Leo’s chest than the fear of impending punishment. Anger, however unpleasant, was something he knew how to navigate. But guilt… 

Leo was convinced there was no worse feeling in the world than guilt.

“But it’s my fault,” Leo protested, slouching in on himself. His hands curled into fists, nails causing dull pinpricks of pain in his palms. “I left the Lair when I wasn’t allowed to, then—then nearly got myself killed just by walking around.” His eyes started to prick with tears, and he tried his best to swallow them back, looking down at the blanket covering him. “I… he was right. I wasn’t ready.”

“Aaaand there goes Leo’s guilt complex,” Donnie observed. “Wow, you two really are alike.”

“I—I’m sorry,” Leo breathed, bringing his knees up to his plastron and hugging them. “I keep—I keep doing the wrong thing. I’m trying to be better, I swear, I’m trying!”

“Hey, hey,” Donnie shushed gently, resting a light hand on Leo’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Leo. Yes, you were exceedingly stupid, but you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay.”

Leo clutched Donnie’s hand, his breathing shallow and unsteady. “Nothing feels okay,” he whispered, the words cracking. “I need to talk to him.”

Donnie winced, glancing back towards the door. “Yes, sure you can, but just give yourself a minute, okay? You’re still weak from the cold-stun, and definitely not in the state to be having emotional conversations.” The soft shell grabbed his phone from his belt, turning it on and starting to type one handed. “I’ll text Mikey to bring you some soup. Once you’re warmer and fed, then we can talk, okay?” 

Leo looked longingly at the door, then slid his gaze over to his brainy twin, who was giving him a hopeful smile. He sighed, deflating against the pillows. “Okay.”

Thirty minutes, a lengthy hug from Mikey, and one piping hot chicken soup later, Leo felt slightly less like he was on death’s door. 

Some of the strength had started to return to his limbs, and the residual panic from the previous night was fading in the face of both of his younger brothers’ patience and assurances. They’d sat by him as he ate, reiterating time and time again that everything was okay; he was okay.

Despite himself, he was starting to believe it. 

“Raph’s back,” Donnie said as he looked at his phone, eyes flicking up briefly to meet Leo’s then away again. “I’ll go get him for you.”

They watched the soft shell go, then Mikey turned to Leo and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “You want me to stay here?”

Leo nodded, not trusting his voice. Dread was starting to creep back in, like icy hands squeezing his throat until he could barely breathe. 

Too soon, two pairs of footsteps approached the room, Donnie appearing a moment later. Raph followed closely, eyes fixed on the ground and expression inscrutable. He stepped closer to the bed, and despite the way it made his insides shrink with guilt, Leo couldn’t help but shy away from his towering form.

Noticing this, Raph’s face crumpled, his shoulders dropping towards the floor as if wrestling with a great weight. His eyes darted up to Leo’s, then back down.

“I’m sorry,” they both said at the same time.

Raph’s mouth fell open. “Why are you sorry?”

Leo shrank back, worried that he'd said something wrong. “I—um—I snuck out, and—and ignored your call.” 

Raph's chasm deepened slightly, eyes going glassy as if he was looking at something past Leo. “Yeah, you… shouldn't have done that. But you don't have to apologise, Leo. I should've realised that my overprotectiveness was hurting you.” Raph's hands trembled at his sides in tight fists, and he looked down as if he couldn't face Leo anymore. “And… I yelled at you. And hurt you. I understand if you can't forgive me, Leo, but I just want you to know I'm so sorry.”

Brows furrowing in confusion, Leo asked, “So you're… not still angry?”

Raph smiled, the expression wavering and transparent like rippling water. “‘Course not, little brother.” 

Leo leaned his head back against the wall with a thunk, the earlier dread making way for confusion. Even though Leo was the one who broke the rules and Leo was the one who almost got himself killed, Raph was the one apologising?

It didn't make sense. Why did nothing make sense? 

“I…” Leo gnawed on his lower lip, hands fisting restlessly in the covers. “It's okay. You don't have to apologise.” 

“No,” Mikey cut in, stepping closer to Leo's side and facing Raph down with his arms crossed. “It's not okay, Leo. You don't have to forgive him.” 

Surprised by the venom in his tone, Leo looked over at his little brother, whose body was taut with furious energy, eyes sharp and cold as steel fixed on Raph. “Mikey…” 

“You were cold and scared,” Mikey continued, turning to look at Leo with considerably softer eyes, “and he hurt you. That's not okay. You don't have to be okay with being treated like that!” 

Silence fell thickly over the room, broken only by Mikey's heaving breaths as the brothers stared at each other. The box turtle's stance softened slightly, tension leaking out of his body. “Remember after I hurt my ankle, and you admitted that I went too far with the seminar? That I hurt you? That's what we want, Leo. We want you to feel safe enough to express your feelings, the good and the bad.” Mikey leaned down, grabbing Leo's hand between both of his and squeezing it comfortingly. “You're safe here. If there's anything you want to say, anything at all, you can. No one will be angry. No one will hurt you.”

His gaze flickered over to Raph as he said those last words, anger returning for a split second before focusing back on Leo. A gentle, kind smile flickered into being on his face, so full of warmth it felt like it started to fight back against the ice still clinging to Leo's heart. 

“I…” Leo looked back over at Raph, who looked exceedingly uncomfortable but not like a threat. He turned thoughts and words over in his head, slowly moving his tongue to sound them out. “I don't think… I don't think it's fair to not let me come on—on patrol,” he confessed, voice so quiet it was nearly swallowed by the stuffy air of the Med Bay. 

He scanned Raph's face for signs of anger, but the deep frown carved into his face seemed more sorrowful than anything else. Mikey was still holding his hand, his warmth and confidence a lifeline amidst the uncertainty.

“And I don't like it when you act like I'm a stupid—stupid kid,” he added, voice picking up strength as his confidence increased. Now that he was letting it all out, the depths of his frustrations surprised even him, rising in a giant wave and swallowing him whole. “And… I was really scared, when… when you shouted at me. I thought…” Infuriatingly, his throat started to thicken as his eyes burned, and he willed himself not to start crying. “... you were gonna hurt… me.” 

“Thank you for telling me,” Raph said, attempting a wobbly smile that quickly fell back down as if he couldn't bring himself to hold it. “I swear, Leo, I'll try to be better. I never want to hurt you again.”

Leo nodded, pulling the blanket closer. “O—okay.” 

For another long few moments, the slider and snapping turtle stared at each other, feeling galaxies apart despite being a few meager steps from each other. Something was tugging painfully at Leo's heart, something scared and angry but also relieved, and his mind felt like the inside of a hurricane. Hopelessly tangled and indecipherable. 

Donnie glanced between the two of them during those tense few seconds, his calculating gaze flickering back and forth. “Well... that was intense. Awkward chuckle.” He suddenly shot up and clapped his hands together. "Anyway! After all those... emotions, I think some hot chocolate is in order." Donnie walked over to the Med Bay entrance to shout, "Shelldon! Six hot choccies with extra marshmallows!" 

The tension melted out of the room, a few hesitant laughs colouring the air. . 

Leo looked over to Donnie with a slight smile. "Six? You might wanna rethink your position as the team's genius, hermano. There are only four of us."

Donnie waved a hand in the air, then tapped his forehead condescendingly. “Triple the brain power, triple the need for hot chocolate, my sweet, naive twin.” 

Leo leaned over the rooftop, observing the bustle of the busy roads below. The crisp night air whipped his mask tails behind him, buffeting against his face. He pulled down the sleeves of his hoodie, suddenly very glad Donnie had all but held him down and forced it over his head. 

“No time to smell the air-polluted roses!” Donnie called to Leo from further ahead, using his Battle Shell to propel him over the rooftops like the little cheater he was. “Look alive, slowpoke!” 

Leo rolled his eyes. “Coming, coming!”

His steps picked up into a run, and as he approached the edge of the roof he tensed his leg muscles, launching himself off the concrete and landing smoothly on the next roof over. He slid seamlessly into a forward roll to soften his landing, then jumped back to his feet, a smile of exhilaration growing on his face. 

He’d missed this. He’d missed this so much. The not-so-fresh air, the neon billboards, the wind whipping his face as he sprinted across rooftops with his family by his side. 

Neon Leon was back and better than ever. 

He let out a whoop the next time he leaped over an alley, stumbling slightly upon his landing but managing to catch himself. He was rusty, but this dance across rooftops was so familiar he could’ve done it in his sleep. 

A few rooftops later he’d finally caught up to his brothers, who stood huddled behind a generator and were peering down at the street below. 

Resting his hands on his hips and panting slightly, Leo edged closer to what everyone was looking at, eyes widening when he saw two very familiar figures breaking the lock to a warehouse door. 

Hypnopotamus and Warren Stone. 

“Aw, I’ve missed these cuties,” Leo whispered with a smirk, sliding his odachi out of its scabbard. “Reckon they’ve hit third base yet? Or still in denial?”

“More importantly,” Donnie cut in with a rather elegant eye roll, “what are they stealing?”

“Who cares? We’re gonna stop them, right?” Mikey started to spin his kusari-fundo around, a sinister smile creeping onto his face. “Me and my mystic yoyo have missed beating people up.”

Raph glanced over at Mikey with a slight expression of fear, then shook his head. “Alright, Mad Dogs. Roll out.”

Leo grinned widely, launching himself off the roof and cutting a portal. “Didn’t have to tell me twice!”

Up turned to down then back to up as he rocketed out of his other portal behind the criminal yokai, his momentum carrying him towards them. Hypno spun around with a gasp a split second too late to avoid Leo’s mean right hook. 

The turtle skidded to a stop, shaking out his hand as he watched Hypno fall to the ground. Three thuds in quick succession behind him told him his brothers had arrived, their ninpo shining brightly and fitting perfectly in with his like a puzzle piece. 

“Y’know, we gotta stop meeting like this,” Leo said with a pout, resting his sword on his shoulder. “You ever considered retail? Or maybe a school cafeteria. I bet you'd make a mean meatloaf.”

Donnie stepped beside Leo, his tech bō brandished threateningly. “Your days of mid-tier villainy and petty crime are over!”

Hypno looked shocked as he stared at them, gaze bouncing between them and counting on his fingers. “One, two, three… four? I thought the blue one kicked the bucket.” 

“Can’t get rid of me that easy.” He lowered his sword, taking a step closer to the yokai. “Let’s dance.”

Leo awoke with a choked scream.

He scrambled backwards on the bed, eyes scanning the dark room for threats. His breaths came in unsteady gasps, desperate tears pricking at his eyes. 

—a hand rubbing his face, the gentle circular motion becoming painful as his claws punctured skin— 

Fragmented memories and remnants of his dream assaulted his mind like the flash of a polaroid camera, and he pressed his hands against his throat, feeling the bare skin and whispering to himself, “It’s not real it’s not real you’re safe you’re safe—”

“—good kappa, you’re finally starting to understand. You’re mine—”   

With shaking hands, he reached towards the lamp, flicking it on and flinching back slightly as the yellow light filled the room. It was weak, and didn’t quite reach the darkest corners of the room, and the indistinct dark shapes huddled at the edges of his vision warped into the figure of a monstrous fox. 

“Go away,” he keened, voice breaking as he cradled his head in his hands, knees to his plastron. He started to rock back and forth, fighting to get his breathing under control and willing the images from his nightmare to disappear. 

His foot bumped something fluffy, and he froze, slowly unfurling from his ball and reaching towards it. It was the unicorn plushie Donnie had gotten him, tangled within his bed covers from where he’d kicked them off.

Gently, he cradled the item in his hands, then raised it to his face. It felt precious, like gold between his hands, and he pressed its soft mane against his cheek.

It was like he could almost feel Donnie’s steady, comforting ninpo woven through it, fighting back against the swirling visage of Fennec.

He breathed in carefully, then blew it out, settling his shell against the wall as he stared at the plushie in his hands. 

He didn’t want to be alone right now.

But… he didn’t want to disturb anyone, either. 

Reluctantly, he took out his phone, noticing with annoyance that his hands were still shaking and struggled to hold the device steady. He scrolled through his contacts until he found what he was looking for.

Nerdier Half XD

Before he could talk himself out of it, he typed a message and hit send. 

Leo: u up?

He waited for a few moments, feeling like his lungs were being crushed by the oppressive silence of the room. Eventually, the three typing dots appeared on Donnie’s end, and Leo’s stomach twisted anxiously. 

Donnie: My answer depends entirely on why you want to know. 

Leo: idk

Donnie: Well, that’s helpful. 

Heart pounding, Leo typed another answer, finger hovering reluctantly over the send button for a few long moments.

Leo: bad dream

Donnie started typing, then the dots disappeared, and Leo sat with bated breath. The moment seemed to drag for an eternity as he waited for Donnie’s response, dread and guilt knitting together inside him in an uneasy symphony. 

Donnie: ill be right over

Leo blinked, squinting closer at the message as if that would change what he saw. Donnie always insisted on using capitals and punctuation in text, despite how often Leo made fun of him for talking like a granny, and this had to be the first time Leo had ever seen him not use it. 

Sure enough, less than a minute later footsteps approached Leo’s door, and then it squeaked open to reveal Donnie. He wasn’t wearing his mask, and his bloodshot eyes and dark bags were on prominent display. “Can I come in?” 

Leo nodded, shuffling over on the bed to leave him room. Donnie gently shut the door behind him before rushing over and practically collapsing on the mattress beside Leo. 

They stared at each other for a few moments, Donnie tracing Leo’s dishevelled form gravely, Leo with sickening guilt. “I… sorry,” he whispered, averting his gaze. “I didn’t want to dis—disturb your sleep.”

Donnie waved a hand. “Don’t worry about that, Leo, I wasn’t going to sleep anyway.” Continuing to stare intently at Leo, Donnie attempted a smile that looked thin and unsteady. “What do you need?”

Leo lowered his eyes to his unicorn, face burning with embarrassment. Now that he’d had time to think about it, worrying his brother just because he was scared of the dark was a pretty pathetic move. “I just… don’t wanna be alone.” He cringed. “Sorry, I know that’s—that’s dumb, I—”

“It isn’t.”

Leo looked back over at Donnie in surprise. The soft shell’s eyes were serious, mouth downturned in the corners. “You really think so?”

He nodded. “I know so. It may be surprising considering your propensity for various dum-dum activities, but this isn’t one of them. Trust me.”

To Leo’s surprise, he did; he relaxed against the wall, some of the lingering shame and dread starting to leak out of him. “Thanks,” he breathed, giving Donnie his best smile. Then, shyly, he asked, “Can I have a hug?”

“Although I’m not usually a fan of physical affection, I shall make an exception this eve,” Donnie said with a crooked smile, opening his arms. 

Leo fell into them, wrapping his arms around his leathery soft shell and gently squeezing. He sighed, feeling the last dregs of his nightmare fade away as his brother held him. 

“I love you, Don.”

A breathy laugh. “I love you too, dum-dum.”

Donnie tapped his finger against his bo staff, watching the back of Leo’s head as they walked through the Hidden City. 

He was nervous.

It was entirely illogical; Fennec was incarcerated, and anyone else who might wish to do Leo harm would have a tough time getting through all three of his very protective brothers. 

Still, though. Returning to the scene of Leo’s abduction didn’t exactly feel like a fun outing.

He looked… better, Donnie thought. When they’d first gotten him back, he’d been a shell of himself, always acting like he only existed for others. He’d always been so afraid, shying away from the others and pretending everything was fine even when he was falling apart at the seams.

Despite his unusual stubbornness, recently he’d started to take on all their (Mikey’s, mostly) advice about communicating with them and not pushing himself. Donnie was no sap, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t so proud of his twin for all the steps he’d taken towards healing. 

“This is it,” Leo said as he slowed to a stop, gesturing at a grandiose building walled off by a towering fence. He turned to face them, his watery smile not disguising the fear flickering in his eyes. “No sweat, right? Walk in, walk out.”

“You know you don’t have to do this, don’t you, Leo?” Mikey asked, laying a hand on Leo’s shoulder. “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”

Leo nodded, taking a deep breath. “I know. I just… I need to do this.” Something passed over his face, a faint misty veneer, his eyes losing focus until it was like he was staring at a distant memory. “He took so much from me. I don’t want to let him take anything else, even if it is just… going to a resort and spa.”

Donnie stepped forward. “Well then, lead the way. We'll be right behind you.”

Leo nodded, turning and starting to walk slowly towards the entrance. Donnie slipped his hand into Leo's, giving it a comforting squeeze.

They walked through the arched gate, Donnie noting with displeasure the way Leo's hand started to shake and his breaths speed up. Donnie focused on his ninpo, trying to project calm and comfort to his brother. 

Finally, the group of brothers entered the building, where a concierge was standing behind a desk. He was a rabbit yokai with strangely long hair, wrapped around his ears in intricate braids.

When he saw them, his face soured as if smelling something unpleasant, and he subtly leaned away. “I'm sorry,” he said in a nasally voice, not sounding sorry at all, “but your… kind are not welcomed in this distinguished institution.”

Donnie gaped at the man's nerve. “Our kind? What exactly is that supposed to mean?” 

He waved a vague hand, frown deepening. “Hairless. Bald. Ugly, to name a few descriptors.”

“That's it—” Donnie reeled his arm back, stepped forward and preparing to sock the guy in his dum-dum little face, but Leo tugged him backwards. 

“It's fine, Donnie,” he whispered. “Let's just go.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Rather than answering Leo just started to walk away, Donnie watching him mutely for a few seconds before following. He sent one last dirty glare towards the smug yokai at the desk, trying to communicate through his eyes the depth of his hatred and disgust at the man.

Leo's strides were long and fast, and Donnie had to rush to keep up, anxiety starting to knot in his stomach. Leo needed this closure, and it had gone so unbelievably badly. Was he upset? 

Finally, he caught up to his twin, reaching for his hand again. “You okay?”

Leo turned to him, and to Donnie's surprise he was grinning, not a trace of panic or sadness on his face. “Can you believe those snobs? Terrible service, one star. Definitely not worth getting kidnapped.”

Donnie gaped, then gave a startled laugh a moment later. He stopped walking and doubled over with his hands on his knees as his laughs grew louder and louder, until tears beaded at his eyes. 

“Uh, okay, it was not that funny,” Leo said as he touched his shoulder. “Do I need to call the psych ward? I have them on speed dial.”

Donnie shook his head, the laughs tapering off, leaving him feeling out of breath. “Sorry. I just… I'm glad to have you back.” He straightened up and smiled at Leo. 

“Donnie, are you crying?” Raph asked in a panic as he approached, grabbing him gently by the shoulders. “Did somethin’ happen?”

“No, I'm fine, I'm not crying,” Donnie said with an eye roll, grabbing Raph’s wrists and removing his hands. 

Thin arms wrapped around him from behind with surprising strength. “Are we hugging? I wanna join!” 

Leo laughed, bright and free, the sound feeling like sunlight breaking through the clouds to Donnie. “I love you guys,” he said warmly, joining Mikey in the group hug and trapping Donnie in the middle. 

“Ookay, that's enough sappiness,” Donnie decided after approximately eight point five seconds, shoving the hands away. “Yes, we are all awesome, and we all love each other. Now it's time to go.” 

“You heard the man!” Leo broke into a run, overtaking Donnie with a laugh, then shouted back, “Last one to the Turtle Tank is a rotten turtle!” 

Mikey squawked with indignation then started sprinting, shouting something at Leo. Raph gave Donnie a helpless look and shrugged, before joining the other two in their race. 

Donnie hung back for a moment, watching his brothers laughing and racing each other. He didn't mind being a rotten turtle if he got to just enjoy seeing them happy. 

It was so loud.