Chapter Text
Now
Rocky stands by happily as ♪♫♪ and their siblings carefully stack blocks on Adrian’s sleeping carapace.
……
His body shakes slightly with emotion as ♫♬♪ steps up to accept an award for academic achievement, and Adrian places a hand on his with a gentle squeeze.
……
♪♩♬♪ chirps at him irritably to focus, but he can’t bring himself to regret agreeing to “babysit” their collection of toy pebbles while troubleshooting a piece of equipment.
……
He understands ♬♫♪♬ is having a difficult time with adolescence, but he won’t just stand by and let them talk to Adrian like that.
……
Dealing with ♫♪♪ in one of their stubborn moods makes him think he needs to talk to his own parents and apologize for everything he must have put them through.
……
♪♬♩ wraps a tiny hand around his claw and Rocky thinks all five of his hearts might explode.
……
And then he’s alone again.
Well, not alone alone. Not like he was for all those years, when coming back to reality left him with nothing but a sense of deep loss and hopelessness. Now he can hear Grace’s gentle breathing as he sleeps, something that started off unnerving but has come to be a comfort. A sign that he’s not the only living being anymore.
He tucks the carving away and strokes the mating stones inlaid in his arm. So much time has passed since Adrian pressed the gift into his hand and hummed gently against his carapace. Part of him wishes he’d given them some kind of plan for if he never came back, permission to seek another mate. He’s come to terms with the possibility that if he ever makes it back they may not be his anymore, but it’s the not knowing that kills him. He wonders if they even think about that last private moment they shared these days.
Luckily he’s been so busy lately that he hasn’t had much time to ruminate on it for too long. He turns back to the pile of chain links he’s been stockpiling for Grace to work on during Rocky’s next sleep cycle, determined to-
Grace’s ambient noises shift, signaling he’s about to wake. Rocky puts his tools down and watches, taking note of things that might sound out of the ordinary. There doesn't seem to be anything of note.
"'Armando… Coffee…" He has to laugh a little at the strangeness of his friend's just-waking-up voice.
"Hello, Grace. You sleep well?" The alien grunts in response. "Grace, not talk about Rocky ♩♬♬♪ like that," he teases as he goes back to his work. Humans make a lot of strange sounds, and Rocky can't help but make up his own meanings for them. Especially when Grace is still tired and grumpy and can't talk back.
"Gimme like, five minutes to become a human, Rock. Then I'll talk."
"Grace is human."
"Don't be a smart-alec. You know I've used that before."
Rocky trills in amusement as he leaves his friend to his post-sleep rituals.
"Just eat, and leave me out of it."
……
"Hey, what was that thing you said earlier? I insulted your grandmother or something?" Grace tosses something from hand to hand as they take a break from their work, and Rocky bobs his carapace back and forth with the rhythm.
"No understand."
"Like, when you were being all sassy with me when I woke up. You said something I didn't get."
"Grace is not smart when wake up. Not get a lot of things." Grace smacks the xenonite between them with a laugh.
"Jerk." He hesitates. "I mean, that's fair, but the computer didn't catch it, either."
New words have been coming up less and less between them, but this particular subject hadn't really been relevant before. “Need word.”
“Yeah?”
“I hatched with four other Eridians. Same parents. Grow up together. Rocky call those Eridians what, question?”
Grace does something with his breath that Rocky isn’t used to. “Oh,” he says, “siblings. Those are your siblings.” His mouth turns up at the corners in a way that should be familiar, but the situation doesn’t fit what Rocky’s observed on human body language.
“Grace sounds sad, but mouth makes happy shape. Everything alright, question?”
“Yeah, it’s just… sometimes humans have siblings, too.”
“Rocky knows. Humans have word for concept, so humans have concept. Grace have siblings then, question?” It dawns on Rocky how little he knows about his friend. Nobody warns you that when you meet an alien you get so caught up in learning the specifics of each other’s species that you forget to talk about your own lived experiences.
“You said it first. Tell me about yours.” Rocky angles himself in a way he’s learned makes Grace feel under scrutiny. “I’m still… I’m still remembering bits and pieces, okay?”
“Understand.” He fidgets awkwardly. He never was good at talking about himself, and his time in isolation made things even worse. When it comes to technology he could go on for an entire waking cycle without missing a beat, but who is he to be so self-centered when there are λ+ other Eridians who will never get to tell their own stories again? “Have four siblings. Rocky hatched second to last.” He tells Grace their names, and despite them meaning nothing to the alien he appreciates that he still listens intently.
“A middle child, huh?” Grace laughs. “That must have been rough. I was lucky enough to teach a few sets of siblings over the years so I’d see that come up sometimes. Human kids are usually spaced out by like a year or more, though.” Humans have much smaller family groups, Rocky has learned, and children are born individually but much closer in time together. He himself was part of his parents’ second clutch, but his siblings in their first had already reached maturity when he hatched.
“What mean by usually, question? Not always one at a time, question?”
“Sometimes…" His voice does something strange at the end of the word. "Sometimes there’s more than one."
Rocky tilts his carapace in curiosity. “Grace remember siblings now, question?”
“Can we talk about this later? I need a minute.”
“Understand.” Oh no. Grace is leaking again. He wipes his eyes and shudders out a breath. “Grace need privacy, question?”
“N-no. No, I’m good. Tell me more about yours, okay? I wanna know about who made the coolest guy in the galaxy the way he is.” A smile. That’s good. Grace puts his hand on top of where Rocky sits in his tunnel, and he lifts his carapace to meet it. Not for the first time, he finds himself desperately wishing they could exist without the barriers. He supposes talking about some childhood memories will be alright, if it keeps Grace’s smile on his face.
“Okay, one time when I was pebble…”
……
Rocky doesn’t have to worry about Grace’s smile for long. Despite multiple breaks to add more words to their shared vocabulary than they have in a while and explain concepts, his friend is quickly back to laughing like his usual self.
“Oh, man,” he says, wiping his eyes after leaking once again. “Eridians and humans have way more in common than I thought we would. Like, we evolved sixteen light-years apart but we both have the same dumb sibling rivalries? I swear I had the exact same arguments with Colt growing up.”
Rocky perks up. He's never heard that word from Grace before, but he has a feeling he might know what he's about to learn. “Who is that, question?”
Grace looks shocked, like he didn’t even notice what he was saying. “Oh. Uh… well, I guess now’s as good a time as ever to talk about it, if that’s fine by you. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Rocky moves closer in his tunnel, hoping he’s conveying the interest that he feels.
“Talk. Want want want to hear about Grace family.”
His friend takes a deep breath. “I had… have? Both? Something like that? Whatever. Uh, I grew up with two. Brothers, both males, like me. One of them was born at the same time as me, and the other was born a while earlier.”
“Why confused, question? Siblings stay siblings always. Even when they become part of mate’s family, because mate is now part of yours.”
Grace laughs, but it sounds strange. “Yeah, in-laws. We have those too. I remember being pretty excited when my brother got married. His mate is the best. Way too cool for him.”
“Understand. Rocky’s siblings teased Adrian about their choice. Said they could do better.” Rocky tries to focus on the good memory of the mating ceremony, rather than the nagging idea that Adrian may have taken his siblings’ advice. “But Grace didn’t answer my question. Why unsure of status of siblings, question?”
“My oldest brother… he’s gone. Has been for a while now. I remember that much.”
“Sad sad sad.”
"Yeah.”
Grace is quiet again, and Rocky doesn't like that. He decides to change the subject. "Sibling with mate, mate is same kind of human, question? Or egg-laying human, question?" The alien had explained to him how many species on his planet work, and it was hard to come up with the right terms to differentiate. The concept is incredibly strange to Rocky, that any two of the same species may not be able to create offspring.
"Jody's female, and way out of Colt's league." The smile is back. "But it really could've gone either way for him."
"Understand. Grace mate with egg laying human or same human, question?"
He shrugs. "That's not really my thing. I tried with the girl I told you about, and then when that didn't work out I tried to see if it'd be any different with another guy. Wasn't too hard, you know how San Francisco is. But nothing ever felt right, so I realized I'm happy with what I've got." A strange rhythm occurs in Grace's heart. "That's… probably why I said I'd come here. Take care of things for everyone who's got someone."
Great job, Rocky. That subject change definitely fixed his friend's mood. He tries again, putting a little extra humor in his voice. "Rocky does not know how place Grace said is. Grace know how ♫♪♪♬♫♪ is, question?" He realizes it's been a long, long time since he spoke about where he studied engineering, and consequently met the love of his life.
Grace laughs. Good. "I don't. Fair point. So how about you tell me, then? I know, like, all the major cities or whatever you've got on Erid but you're still a pretty cagey guy when it comes to your own life. I barely even know anything about your mate, even after you named a planet after them."
Shit. Despite Adrian consuming nearly all of his non-mission related thoughts, that's the one subject he's been the most worried about discussing with Grace.
All because he's afraid that if he starts talking about them he'll have hope again. That all the work he's done to accept what may come about when he returns will be undone.
And if he's this anxious about it, this unwilling to speak about them, does he even deserve to hope?
Rocky really doesn't want to leave Grace alone with whatever distressing memories have come up, but he is not ready to have this conversation. So as he heads back to his workshop, he tells the most painful lie of his long life.
"Is not important right now. Have things to do."
"Oh," he hears from behind him. He sounds disappointed, which makes Rocky feel worse. "Al-alright. Later then."
Maybe, he thinks. If he's strong enough.
……
It's incredibly counterintuitive, where he goes next. But he pulls Adrian's gift out of its sling in his work belt and holds it close.
"I'll be testing the collector device soon," he tells it, falling back into speech patterns that feel much more natural. He hopes Grace appreciates the effort he puts into jumbling his words into a nonsensical order. "I'll explain what's going on, so watch closely."
This time, his "child" has been showing a begrudging interest in what their parent does, after spending the beginning of their life complaining any time they had to figure something out. He's been carefully wording the steps he's taken so that they don't lose interest if it sounds too complicated. Early on he'd imagined pebbles with avid fascination with his work, but he'd quickly figured out that it's harder to troubleshoot issues if he's explaining every step he takes in detail. He's been an engineer for so long that he doesn't think about what he's saying as he does it. When he slows down and simplifies it like when he talks to Grace (except using a sentence order that makes MUCH more sense, he honestly feels like an idiot sometimes), he can ask himself questions and poke holes in his work.
It's one of those times he's grateful for Grace's horrible hearing, because when he gives his child a voice he can simply stay out of his friend's audible range. He's given Grace enough flack for talking to himself, he doesn't need him to know he's a hypocrite.
(He's been avoiding it because he quite enjoys always knowing he's not alone, but maybe he should construct at least one soundproof area.)
"LaLa, what's that for?"
"It's so I can control the collector from a distance. We cannot open and close it ourselves, because that will mess with the sample. It needs to be done remotely so we only get what we need. Grace will go out and bring it in."
"Why does the alien go outside?"
"They have a special suit because their ship does not have a hull robot like ours."
"I bet MiMi is glad you don't have to do that."
"I think they would also be a bit jealous if I did. They're much more adventurous than me."
"I hope I can wear a special space suit someday."
"You wouldn't gain anything from the experience. Sound does not travel through space, so there would be no sensory input."
"Maybe it would! Maybe LaLa will make a suit for me that lets me hear anyway!"
"Like with a camera? That could work theoretically, but we've got a ways to go before we could condense such a thing into wearable technology. And we would need specialized gloves, so that we don't lose too much grip and dexterity…"
He's so lost in the details of how an Eridian spacesuit could be possible that he's almost surprised when he senses Grace approaching.
"Rocky! I had a quick question about the additional equipment we'll need…" He trails off. "Sorry, did I interrupt something? You seemed pretty focused."
"Is okay. What Grace need to know, question?"
“I just… wait, hey, Rock?” Grace's face wrinkles as he comes closer to the xenonite wall. “I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s that thing you’re always holding?”
He freezes. Has Grace seen it often enough to notice? Human visual memory must be similar to Eridian audio-spacial memory.
“Is an egg.”
He hopes he'll stop there, but he knows it's not going to happen. The alien is too curious. Not that he can blame him when he's the one who barged onto his ship to learn how his technology worked, but this is personal.
“Like, actually?”
"No. Just model.” Rocky can feel Grace’s eyes on him, and for the first time in a very long time he almost wishes he were alone right now. “From Adrian. Their last gift before I leave. A reminder to come home. Have pebbles when star is saved."
The last time he spoke about this, it was with someone who also had a mate to go back to. Who had also been given a token of home, of family. Family who will never see them again. He’s kept every one of his crewmates’ belongings, hoping one day he’d get to return them. Even if it’s a poor substitute for a loved one.
“That’s… really sweet, buddy. They're really lucky to have someone like you who's working so hard to get home to them."
Rocky knows Grace means well, but the statement rubs him the wrong way. "Other Eridians worked hard too. Not getting home to their mates. I was just lucky."
"Yeah, but you spent all that time by yourself and never gave up. I would've gone crazy if I had to go through what you did."
"Giving up not an option. Giving up mean losing Erid," Rocky argues. Shame envelops him, though he tries to hide it. He wanted to give up many, many times. If his saving Grace hadn't shown up he's not sure how much longer he would have tried.
"C'mon Rock, can you just take the gosh darn compliment?" His friend's voice is exasperated but fond. "You're a freaking genius, and we're gonna save our planets, and you're gonna go home to your mate, and you're gonna be the best parents in the universe. End of story."
Are all humans this ridiculously optimistic?
"Grace is very hopeful." It's dangerous, he thinks.
Grace shrugs. "You gotta be when you work with kids. I could have just sulked back on Earth and let everyone else do the work, but I had to have faith that things would get better for their sake, and I thought I could help." Rocky is quiet. How amazing it is that out of the entire population of Earth they managed to send the best human of all to come find him. "You've clearly got hope too."
"Hope is you." Simply put. Grace has the scientific knowledge he lacked, so he has a chance.
But he holds the artificial egg a little tighter as he realizes that that's not quite the whole story.
He wants to go home. He wants to see his friends, his family, his mate. He wants the whole Astrophage problem to be behind them, and he wants to do everything he and Adrian always talked about. And he wants to think that it's all possible.
Ever since he and Grace started working together and an answer was in reach he's been thinking about this imaginary child almost as seriously as when the ship first left Erid. Back when he thought of it as nothing more than a work trip, in comparison to what it became.
"You okay, pal?"
"I… talk to egg sometimes." He startles himself with the admission. He didn't plan to say that, but Grace seems immediately interested.
"Really? What about?"
"About Adrian. About Erid. About mission and family and crew. About how ship works. Now, about Grace. Sing songs. Sometimes explain what I do as if it learn from me. Help me think sometimes." The words just come out and he feels less inclined to stop them. Maybe it would do him good to stop keeping it all inside.
Until Grace laughs, and Rocky's hearts sink. This was a mistake.
“…Grace think is strange, question?” He tries to keep his voice casual, but even he can hear it waver.
“What? No, no way!” the alien exclaims. “I mean, you know I talk to myself like all the time. And honestly, sometimes I pretend I’m talking to a class when I’m trying to work through something, too.” He smiles and shakes his head, a combination of gestures that still confuses Rocky. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a classroom, even before the launch. I really miss it sometimes.”
Rocky understands, somewhat. The cycles leading up to the launch of his ship were such a rush of activity that even he barely remembers the details, despite his near-perfect memory and the massive change from his regular routine. He and Adrian were both so busy that any time together outside of right before and after sleeping was a treat rather than a given. Not to mention the friends and family he barely got to see. His definition of what's normal day to day completely flipped without him even noticing.
None of the others who worked on the project ever seemed to complain. Especially not the ones who went up with him and lost their lives because of it. Part of him wonders if his solitude was a punishment for the times he cursed the Astrophage, cursed his superiors for recommending him for the mission.
At least he now knows, or more accurately hopes, that his punishment is over. Grace is here now, and they’re going to complete their missions together. He’s finally working towards something instead of painstakingly making it through until something finally happens.
The real punishment awaits him on Erid, when he comes back alone.
"Hey, I have an idea! Can I listen? When you're teaching your little guy what you do?" Grace's voice knocks him out of the prison of his own thoughts. "I bet I'll understand it a lot better if I hear you explain it to a kid."
"Will be different," Rocky warns, shifting uncomfortably. There's another way this game of pretend connects him with his home, and he doesn't want to give that up. "Grace will not understand."
"Why?" he asks. "Oh, is it a frequency thing? Like baby talk? Humans sometimes talk to really young kids using a higher pitch so I guess it's not surprising-"
"Is not that. Is different language."
Out of all the things that were keeping him sane throughout his isolation, it was linguistics that were the most effective. There were at least Iλ dialects spoken among the Eridians aboard his ship, but all of them had some degree of fluency in the language that had been decided upon for the main form of communication among the crew. He'd known enough to get his job done and understand minor functions of the ship, but after reading every guidebook he could get his claws on as the number of functional crewmates dwindled he understood it as well as the language he grew up speaking. Possibly better by this point, which worried him greatly. He found a lot of comfort in teaching his "child" how his native speech worked.
"Wait, a different language?!" Grace exclaims. "That's so cool… hold on." He pauses. "What language are you speaking with me?"
"Is ♫♩♬♪. Easier to explain things learned on ship in same language as ship. Speak ♬♪♩♬♫ with egg. That Rocky first language. Language of home."
"Oh." Grace sits back, probably to take in this new information. "That's crazy."
"Why crazy, question? Humans only have one language, question?"
"Oh, yeah, no, definitely not. Humans have tons of languages. If my crewmates were still around they'd be able to teach you theirs, but I'm kind of the boring one, I only know the one I'm speaking right now. Called English. That was the main language of the mission, like the one you're using. But what I mean by crazy is… you're taking your thoughts and putting them into a messed up form of your second language just so I can understand you. You're a straight-up genius, Rock." That "smile with a sad-pitched voice" human thing is back. "Man, I wish I could understand you when you aren't dumbing things down for me."
Rocky fidgets awkwardly, unsure how to respond.
But Grace has been so vulnerable with him. Maybe it's time he returns the favor.
"Grace."
"What's up?"
"I am… afraid of what I will see on Erid if I return." He feels silly that he's not even thinking about how the Astrophage will have affected his home planet, despite knowing that there's still time left. "Told you mate might have new mate. Now that we will go home it feel real. Scary."
Floating in space thinking about how another Eridian may now hold Adrian's hearts is one thing. Being so close to a solution and realizing he may live to see that is another. "Spent so long… thinking about child and child and child and child. Many many many pebbles. Being parent is good and bad, but want want want to do it all with Adrian. Don't want… don't want someone else to. That is selfish, question?"
"No." Grace says the word with such conviction it startles Rocky. "Definitely not."
"How sure, question? Mate's happiness most important, yes, question?"
"Well, yeah, I guess, but what if they haven't tried to find someone else? I bet they'd be pretty mad that you thought they might." The alien's speech is so casual, as if his words aren't affecting every cell in Rocky's colony. "I mean, when you think of how long you guys have been together you haven't been gone for too long anyway."
"Should have been back long ago. Easy to think I die. Rest of crew did."
"Yeah, well…" Grace's voice trails off, and he rubs the back of his head. A human expression of discomfort. Then, confusingly, a smile. "You know, there's a really famous Earth story about a guy who leaves his mate to go off on a journey that lasts way longer than it's supposed to."
"Oh," Rocky says, confused. "Explain."
Grace's voice changes to sound… triumphant? "Yeah, and he's gone for like, 20 years. Which is a really long time for humans. Like, if you were gone for, I don't know, 150 years? And while he's gone a ton of people wanna get with his mate. And you know what happens?"
"Do not know. Mate picks new mate, question?" He doesn't like how this story seems to be going. Adrian did have plenty of others vying for their affections when they were students, and he can easily imagine that their status as "tragic widow" would bring that back even more strongly. He still doesn't know why he of all Eridians caught their attention. He's always been small, and he's never thought he's particularly charming or interesting.
"Nope! She doesn't want any of them! She waits for her mate to get back because she knows he'll come back to her, even though everyone else told her to give up." Grace sounds so full of conviction it makes Rocky's hearts ache. "I still don't know much about Adrian, but something tells me they're Penelope in this situation."
Such kind words from someone Rocky has barely been able to speak to about his mate. Shame overtakes him, and he stoops his carapace low. Grace has so much faith in Adrian, while Rocky, the one who should know and understand them the best, has let his own insecurities cloud his judgement.
He's been a terrible mate, and it's time he does something about it.
"Grace… want to hear about Adrian, question?" His words come out slowly, but Grace bolts up like something had startled him.
"Heck yeah, I do! It's about time, buddy!"
……
Turns out, it's easy. Probably the easiest thing Rocky has done since he stepped off the space elevator. He tells Grace about the first time they met, how they had a friendly but intense rivalry aiming for the same academic recognition, how he was constantly aware of Adrian observing him after he won and he avoided them out of fear until one of their friends from the Terrestrial Biology department told him to stop being such a ♭♪♬♯♫ and talk to them. How it felt when he realized they were trying to court him, and when it hit him how badly he'd been wanting them to. The first time they asked him to stay and watch them as they slept, and how they'd grabbed onto his hand so he wouldn't have been able to leave their side even if he wanted to. The first time he met their family, and they met his. The little gifts they would give each other during their courtship, and how they incorporated them into their mating ceremony. How they'd celebrated when he was invited to work with one of their planet's most distinguished space agencies.
How they'd yearned to start a family once their life finally stabilized, and their despair when they worried about the future of their planet.
The last sleep cycles they went through together, and how neither of them knew what to talk about before the other drifted off.
Their last goodbye, when they gave him this token. When their minds had brushed, and it felt like their colonies were singing in harmony before they were ripped apart.
How, only once, Adrian had asked him not to go.
"Grace, you're leaking again."
"H-huh?" the alien asks, wiping at his eyes. "Oh, sorry. I just… man, Adrian is really lucky to have you."
"Rocky is lucky." He's afraid he might start overheating if he has to deal with any more of this. "Adrian smart. Kind. Funny. Loving. Brave. Confident. Beautiful. If pebbles only take after them, I will be happy."
"Hey, don't sell yourself short, pal!" Grace pats the xenonite between them. "Erid would be missing out if it didn't have a bunch of little yous running around."
Rocky shrinks down, lowering his carapace in embarrassment. "Grace exaggerate. I am not special. Adrian the one Erid need more of." If every Eridian were even slightly more like them, he thinks, his planet would be paradise. Although, he almost laughs to himself, with some tricky personality traits.
"Hmph." Grace crosses his arms. "Something tells me your mate wouldn't agree with that."
"No," Rocky admits. "Adrian too kind. Perceives things about Rocky that Rocky cannot. Unsure if they are honest, but they agreed to be mate so they must believe."
"Man, I've known you a fraction of a fraction of the time you guys have been together and I already know they're right." There Grace goes again, so eager to give a compliment. Rocky can't say he hates it, but he doesn't think he'll get used to it any time soon. "Plus you've got your whole list of ways you want your kids to take after them, there's no way they don't have their own hopes."
Clever. Curious. Determined. Resourceful. Loyal. He can hear Adrian's voice in his head, low and intimate like they're right there with him and he can feel their sounds in his whole body.
He misses them. A lot. How long has it been since he last let himself feel it this strongly?
His joints buckle underneath him and he understands now why humans leak. The guilt, the heartache, the longing so overwhelming he thinks he might overheat.
"Hey, hey, buddy… crap, sorry, I suck at this kind of stuff, it's like when Ximena started crying on me about her crush when she came to talk about making up a test and I sat there like an idiot, I mean really what advice did she think I could give, um…" Grace continues to ramble on about things Rocky doesn't understand the words for, but the concern in his voice and the familiarity of his tendency to go on and on settle a few of his hearts back to normal.
Maybe it's good for one of them to stay sore. To carry Adrian with him like he carries the carving, and for talking about them to be the balm rather than worsen the wound. They deserve better than a mate who fears the worst of them.
"Grace." He stops talking about wherever his train of thought had taken him. "Thank."
"Uh, you're welcome? What did I do?" He sounds genuinely confused, which makes Rocky laugh in spite of himself.
"You make me tell you about Adrian. Been afraid to, but now know have no reason. Is easy. Now know make me happy, not sad. Thank thank thank."
Grace smiles. "No problem, Rock. I gotta say, I had a lot more fun listening to you talk about them than I ever did hearing Marissa go on about any of her attempts at dating in the real world."
Yet another new name. "Who is that, question?"
"Oh, Earth friend, don't get me started. I love her, but I bet she's still mad at me for missing out on the last over a decade of Thursdays…"