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So basically what happened was, after winning each series in seven games, in Connor McDavid's last season, he FINALLY wins the Stanley Cup (with the Oilers of course). I know right, it's shocking. Nobody thought he could do it but he did it somehow. He was 45 when he won by the way. Yep, that was his AGE. Whenever he was asked by reporters when he would retire he would say "When I'm ready." And just sit there in silence until they eventually moved on. So nobody would ever think he would make it that far. Draisaitl was still in the league as well, but this is about McDavid right now so no more Draisaitl (McDavid stealing the spotlight as usual 😒). So anyways, he won the cup. Yippee.
So after his grandpa cup win he FINALLY retires. Rogers Place was sold out for the raising of the banner thingy and his goodbye. When they made him do a speech, in true McDavid fashion, he said a couple words about how great everybody was and left after all the applause. Ok NOW we can get to the good part.
(Something thats not really important to know but I wanted to include is the last contract he signed was 30 million dollars for one year. WHAT. Yeah the cap was a lot higher now so they could offer him that. And that isnt even the highest contract in the league right now.)
Connor McDavid was not the most intelligent person outside of the rink. Shocking, right? That led to him neglecting his wife and eventually leading to his divorce (definitely had nothing to do with his feelings for Draisaitl). But Lauren is really smart, so she did some investing and more businessy stuff with her businesses and she became a billionaire like the diva she is. Connor saw this and went "Oh golly gee I want my wife back." I don't know if thats exactly the quote but he's like super old now so that seems like something he would say.
So anyways, he hires a private investigator to find out where she lives. It costed a full million dollars but Connor is rich anyways.
After he got the address he headed over to her place to try and get her back. It should be pretty easy right? Like, she probably still loves him and is waiting for this very event to happen. He was told by the investigator that it was a secluded property in a forest so he should probably not go there. When that happened Connor said "I'm not paying you to tell me what to do," and promptly kicked him out.
So he started the journey to Lauren's house. He had to go on foot for part of it and he got a nasty scratch from a rosebush (foreshadowing?). But there was no possible way he could've prepared himself for what he saw.
So we're gonna take a quick commercial break before we get to the REAL good part. Did you know my mom bought wired earbuds today because she said bluetooth ones pump radiation into your brain 😭😭😭 like bro your husband is a science teacher 😭
Ok we're back. Connor walked up to the door of Lauren's REALLY big new house. He decided he didn't want to intrude if she was doing something important (like bro you're already trespassing but okk whatever makes you feel better i guess) so he heads over to the window to see if shes busy. I don't know if this man has any brain cells left after decades of hockey. So he looks in the window and sees Lauren on the couch with one of her friends, some lady whose name he always forgot. Maybe thats why he got divorced. So he's watching them like a FUCKING CREEP until he decides he can probably intrude. But just as hes turning around, Lauren leans over and starts MAKING OUT WITH HER FRIEND.
Connor is absolutely flabbergasted at this point. Right now the only thing going through his mind is whether Lauren was always secretly a lesbian and a gold digger, or if she was bisexual and really loved him. Anyways he zoned out at a really bad time because when he turned back they were both naked. I can guarantee after he saw that the only thing going through his mind was Oh shit.
Connor finally came to the conclusion that Lauren was probably not gonna be interested in him anymore, whether she was lesbian or not, so he decided the smartest course of action was out of there. So he ran, probably faster than he needed to, and tripped over a root and ended up spraining his right ankle.
He was eventually able to limp his way out of there, but it took several hours and he didn't have his phone on him because of his infinite intelligence. And when he made it to his car, he couldn't drive properly because it was his right ankle that got sprained. So he had to call an Uber and then a tow truck to get his car back. Not his best day.
And to make things even worse, the next day he got a call from Lauren herself. Oh shit. Like, he already knew the hockey gods hated his guts, but why do the ex-wife gods hate him too? But he knew if he avoided the call (like he used to when they were married) it would look bad so he answered it.
It turns out Lauren has multiple security cameras outside her home and they picked up everything. Even him spraining his fucking ankle. How the fuck was he supposed to explain everything?
So he decided NOT to explain it and just made some shit up. He said he was exploring a forest and got lost so he wandered around for a bit and found her house and tried to get help. But remember, Connor has a very small amount of brain cells now, so that excuse has a lot of holes in it. I don't have a direct quote from Lauren, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "Connor, you were staring into my house for ten minutes and then ran- or tried to run -in the direction of the road. What the actual FUCK were you doing at my house?????"
So eventually Connor was (barely) able to sort things out with Lauren. Somehow. But Lauren eventually leaked the whole story to the media, so basically Connor looks like the creepy guy who stalks his exes. This led to Connor not getting any more sponsorships so lots of his income was gone (I think. I don't know if hockey players get pensions). Plus he is not the smartest so the leftover money he had? No longer his.
So, at this time, Connor McDavid, hockey hall of famer, is currently working at a Walmart in Northern British Columbia. Yep.
So that's it for today's episode of Past NHLers: What Are They Doing With Their Lives? See ya next time.