Chapter Text
Steve cradled Tony in his arms, sitting cross-legged on his mattress. He refused to put the child down, not even to get changed.
He felt numb. No, actually, he wished he felt numb. Instead, it was like something had clawed him on the inside, leaving him raw.
Bruce was curled next to him, eerily silent. He wouldn’t sleep and refused to let Steve pick him up as well, crying and pointing to Tony, as though saying, ‘No, you have to give him all of the love at the moment.’
Steve hadn’t thought he could feel worse but he somehow did.
A gentle nudge graced his shoulder.
‘He is okay,’ Natasha murmured, settling down at his left side.
Steve couldn’t find it in himself to speak. He wished he couldn’t think either. The only thing he was happy to do was lean his head on Natasha’s shoulder. The position hurt with how much he had to twist his neck but he didn’t care.
She pressed a kiss to his hair before holding her arms out to Bruce. ‘Come here, malysh.’
Bruce watched her unsurely for a moment. It was the first time in a while he’d hesitated to go to Natasha. With a shaking hand, he pointed to Tony with a soft cry, making sure not to be too loud to wake his older brother.
Steve thought he was simply after some more reassurance that Tony was okay.
However, as always, Natasha knew the toddler’s language almost as good as Tony’s. Not quite, but close.
‘I’ll just get you to sleep but you can stay with your big brother tonight,’ she reassured.
Of course that was what Bruce had been after. Steve felt more inept again but forced a smile onto his face.
‘You can always stay with me, baby boy,’ he said gently.
Thankfully, that was enough for Bruce. He leaned forward so Natasha could scoop him up underneath his armpits.
‘I’ll let you walk him.’ Steve sat up.
‘Won’t be long,’ she smiled sadly back before standing with Bruce leaning against her shoulder and proceeded to walk him around the room.
Tony didn’t stir at all. The poor boy was out for the count, fingers still fisted into Steve’s shirt in his sleep. Steve had wiped away his tears but his face was still flushed from his crying.
‘My poor baby,’ Steve murmured to him, reaching out a hand to gently stroke his hair.
In reply, Tony nuzzled into him.
It was that movement there which brought Steve’s protective streak to the forefront.
‘We’re going to take care of you,’ he whispered fiercely, brushing his fingers down Tony’s soft cheek. ‘We’re going to make everything better. I promise you, my baby. I promise.’
Carefully rearranging Tony, Steve laid down so he had the little boy lying on his chest. Tony didn’t so much as whine.
Tucking Tony’s head underneath his chin, Steve cuddled him close for a moment before laying one arm out to his side.
Sure enough, Natasha came over within minutes with a now fast asleep Bruce and settled him in the cradle Steve had created with his arm. Without a word, she covered them over before blowing him a kiss.
‘I’m going to check on Clint.’
‘Tell him he can come in if he wants.’
Nodding, she disappeared, leaving Steve alone with the little ones.
Before his mind could start to begin its constant circle of worry and doubt, he remembered Thor’s advice from last time when Steve had felt this helpless.
No more thinking. He was too close to the situation. It was all too much to take in and he couldn’t think rationally when he was this distraught.
So, placing a final kiss on both his kids’ foreheads, he closed his eyes and passed out from emotional exhaustion.
***
Coming awake, Steve was instantly aware of his surroundings now. He knew if there was foreign breathing nearby or felt a strange presence.
He quickly picked Thor’s deep breathing. Natasha and Clint were silent as always but the moonlight streaming in the cracked window showed Natasha’s curtain pulled back to reveal both her and Clint curled up in a pile of blankets together.
All those things pinged in the back of his mind because the first thing he noticed was the presence of his two little charges.
Or lack thereof.
For Bruce, this unfortunately wasn’t a new phenomenon. He sleep-walked, particularly when he’d had a rough day, which he’d most certainly had.
But once Tony was put to bed for the day, he never got up in the middle of the night. Early morning, yes. The night? No.
Steve didn’t waste any time.
‘Tony and Bruce are gone,’ he said, leaping to his feet. ‘Guys, Tony and Bruce are gone.’
He worked hard on not yelling, keeping his tone at a firm but urgent level.
Without looking, he already knew Natasha was up and Clint wouldn’t be far behind her. Thor might have had the slower response time but he certainly made up for that in strength.
Steve knew the kids weren’t in the bedroom area. His greatest fear was they weren’t here at all.
What if Tony had spooked? Had he taken off and Bruce followed him?
His stomach twisted tighter and tighter in sickness and fear.
Everything went weak with relief as he raced into the living area to see two little figures hunched over something on the blanket on the floor. The solar light illuminated two sets of huge eyes staring at him with a mixture of worry and fear. Mostly fear.
With Bruce, he’d obviously gotten a fright from Steve racing in. But Tony? His fear was on another level.
He was the one who moved first.
‘We made this for you!’ he said, voice breaking as he snatched up what looked like a piece of machinery. ‘It’s for all of you!’
Tony ran a few steps forward and laid it near Steve’s feet but wasn’t game to come any closer. All Steve could do was stare in shock, completely speechless. He could feel the others’ presences at his back and couldn’t even make himself turn around to ask them what in the world was going on.
Tony backed away, staring up at him with heart-breaking hope in his eyes.
‘It’s for you,’ he said softly, pulling Bruce to him, who was wringing his little hands so hard that Steve was sure they were going to bruise. He looked back and forth between his big brother and the others, trying to work out something that Steve couldn’t tell.
‘We … made it for you,’ Tony continued. Tears actually filled his eyes as his gaze turned begging. ‘Please don’t be mad. Be happy. It’s good, I promise, it’s good.’
Steve hardly heard Natasha’s confused, ‘Solnyshko?’ or Clint’s ‘What’re you talking about, squirt?’ He didn’t really notice as Thor kneeled, automatically making himself a smaller threat, seeing such a fear in the two little ones which hadn’t been present for a while.
For so long, Natasha understood Bruce’s language. Something Steve always found he was disappointed in himself with. Because if he was meant to be a good caregiver as well, shouldn’t he be able to understand Bruce on that deeper as well?
However, at that split second, he realized while he didn’t understand Bruce’s language, he got Tony’s. Loud and clear.
Tony was trying to earn love.
It was so clear that he should have seen it earlier. First, Tony pushed affection away in every way he could but ever since the incident at the water park, Tony had been trying to earn it in small ways. Taking care of Bruce as much as he could; helping to clean up; he was even trying his best to not fight against a bath.
Something had happened today. Steve didn’t know the trigger but all of a sudden, Tony was convinced to keep their love, he had to give them something. He had a fair good idea where the thought of making them an invention had come from. After all, Steve knew what the Stark name stood for and what Tony had been groomed to be.
It was why the little boy was so subdued earlier; it was why he had the panic attack; it was why he snuck out of finish his project.
Tony was scared the love was going to get taken away unless he did something back for them.
Slowly, Steve kneeled. Tony’s eyes were on him and Steve didn’t break the contact.
‘Tony,’ he said softly, but firmly.
He had the child’s full attention. Tony’s bottom lip trembled, showing how close he was to breaking. How much pressure the kid was under.
Struggling for a moment, Steve rubbed his face, nose, eyes. ‘Tony,’ he whispered, shaking his head with feeling. ‘You don’t earn my love, kiddo. You don’t earn any of it.’ His voice broke. ‘You just have it. Nobody is taking it away from you. Nobody can, kiddo. It’s just always there. It doesn’t run out.’ He smiled, though he knew it was broken. ‘It’s never-ending, baby.’
Tony began to shake a little and Bruce held onto him tighter. He clung back but shook his head.
‘That’s not right,’ he said. ‘Not for me.’
‘Yes, for you,’ Steve jumped in. He always made it a point to never interrupt the children but this was something Tony had to know wasn’t right straight away. He couldn’t be thinking it for another minute. ‘For baby boy, for Tasha,’ he pointed behind himself, ‘for Clinty, for Thor.’
He picked up the treasure Tony had obviously put his whole heart and soul into. Tony watched him fearfully, as though he was afraid Steve would smash it.
Most likely, because it had been done to him in the past. The one thing Steve had learnt from the two little boys was not many of their fears came from pure imagination.
‘This here?’ he said, holding out the contraption which looked like a steel rubric’s cube. ‘I have no doubt is amazing.’ He managed another smile through his tears. ‘But I didn’t need this to know you are amazing.’ He shrugged helplessly. ‘You’re my baby.’ He nodded softly to Bruce. ‘And you’re my baby boy. Nothing could make me love you both more. And that goes for all of us.’
Tony watched him, seemingly stunned. He continued to stare for what felt like ages. Steve yearned to bridge the gap but past experience had taught him better. Both Bruce and Tony did not like to be approached if they’d been frightened. Steve still wasn’t that safe yet and he sometimes worried he never would be.
That Bruce would forever scream if he was approached on a blind spot. Or Tony would forever think he was so replaceable that he had to earn love.
Bruce glanced at Tony, taking his cue from his older brother. However, Tony wasn’t saying a word.
Then, slowly, Tony held out his arms to Steve.
‘Steve,’ he sniffled softly, rubbing the snot away from his running nose before holding his hand back out. ‘Steve.’
Steve didn’t have to be asked again. He shuffled forward and scooped both boys into his arms.
‘There are my boys,’ he whispered. ‘It’s okay. No one’s in trouble and everything’s fine.’
Tony cried and cried into his shoulder though it was more in relief than anything. Bruce clung onto him, nuzzling in as close as possible, after that physical reassurance nothing was wrong.
Pressure wrapped around Steve from his side as Clint crouched next to him. Next came Thor, pulling Natasha along behind him until they were all a huddled group on the floor.
Bruce hummed softly at the closeness of everyone. He still wasn’t speaking after Tony’s panic attack but at least he’d made a happy noise.
For a while, the only sounds were Tony’s quietening cries, along with Steve’s soft shushes.
‘That’s it, buddy,’ Steve murmured. ‘You’re such a good boy. My good boy.’
Tony turned and pressed a kiss to Steve’s cheek, something he only did at his most vulnerable but trusting moments. Then, he settled back down, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder.
Steve swallowed against the lump in his throat. ‘My good boy,’ he murmured, more to himself than anyone else.
***
No one could sleep after that. Well, except for poor Bruce. For once, he had stayed with Steve, fast asleep against his chest. The excitement was too much for his little body to take.
They sat in a circle. Tony was actually in Natasha’s lap. He’d gone to her as she explained to the little boy why his chest was making it hard for him to breathe sometimes. Tony looked at her like she was magical and sat listening to her with this awed expression like he truly couldn’t understand how Natasha simply knew what he was going through.
‘It doesn’t make me … weird?’ he asked tentatively after a few minutes of her explaining.
Natasha adamantly shook her head. ‘Never, bratishka. Do you think I’m weird?’
‘Never,’ Tony unwittingly copied Natasha as he shook his head so strongly that Steve was sure his neck would have hurt.
The corner of her mouth crooked into a sad smile. ‘Then you can’t be, can you?’
Tony nodded slowly though he did squirm, hands coming up to rub up and down his arms in a very Bruce-like movement.
‘Hey, squirt,’ Clint said softly, holding up the invention, jumping in before the conversation got too intense for the boy. ‘You wanna tell us what this does?’
‘Uh-huh,’ Tony nodded, scrubbing a fist in his right eye.
Natasha and Steve exchanged a fond look. They would have to get him back to bed soon otherwise they would have an overtired baby very soon.
Crawling slowly off Natasha’s lap and towards Clint, Tony didn’t even protest as the other teenager picked him up and handed him the machine.
‘You flick this switch to turn the machine on sensor mode,’ he said, pointing to the small switch as he spoke. ‘I thought we could place it at the window when everyone’s inside. Because when it detects movement, I’ve magnified the light to temporarily blind whoever comes through the window we don’t know.’
While the sheer genius was a little daunting to Steve who wouldn’t have the first clue how to come up with something like that let alone make it, what worried Steve was the first thought Tony had was to make a weapon.
He could see the shock in Clint too but the younger teenager still plastered on a smile.
‘You’re not called a genius for nothin’, huh?’ he said, rustling Tony’s hair, gaining a delighted grin in return.
Thor and Natasha immediately put in their agreement. Steve leaned forward to pluck the weapon from Clint’s hand, keeping a firm hold on the sleeping toddler with one arm.
‘Anything you make is clever, buddy.’ Steve turned the machine around to get a good look before gently handing it to Tony. ‘But how about this? What about if you used the parts to make anything you want?’
Tony blinked at him. ‘I …’ his squirming intensified and he blushed, ‘I don’t understand.’
Steve’s heart broke that little bit more. ‘I mean, for you to make something which makes you happy,’ he said, running a hand over Tony’s wild hair. ‘Rather than thinking about something which is useful to us, what would make you smile?’
Tony looked between Steve and his invention with the widest of eyes, trying to comprehend what he was being told. That, somehow, what he, Tony, thought was important.
‘We could even go looking for more parts,’ Steve encouraged, hoping to get some enthusiasm.
What he didn’t expect to get was tears filling Tony’s eyes.
Before he could even respond, the little boy threw himself at Steve, wrapping his arms as far around Steve’s middle as his little arms could.
‘Oh, buddy, it’s okay,’ Steve immediately returned the hug with one arm, rubbing his hand up and down Tony’s heaving back. ‘You deserve to do something for yourself for once. You always think of everyone else first. It’s good to think of yourself sometimes too.’
All Tony did was shake his head and said something, voice muffled.
Frowning, he leaned closer, asking, ‘What was that, kiddo?’
Taking a deep breath, for the first time ever, Tony whispered, ‘I love you.’
A rush of indescribable emotion overtook Steve.
Scooping Tony up so he could wrap him up in a huge hug, Steve nuzzled Tony on the nose, gaining a watery giggle.
‘I love you too,’ he said simply, voice cracking.
***
Going outside wasn’t nearly as scary this time as it was first time they had tried, over four weeks ago. Tony did the breathing exercises Tasha had taught him whenever people came too close and made his chest feel tight.
Clint didn’t get too far away either. In fact, both he and Steve held Tony’s hands and lifted him up in the air. They were both so strong and made Tony feel like he was flying.
He’d never had that before.
But Steve and Clint would even swing him back and forth. Like an actual swing. He was afraid to keep on asking for it to be done. But whenever he started to feel like there were too many people or noises around, it was like Steve and Clint knew just the perfect time to swing him and make him forget about all that.
Steve made sure they didn’t stay out too late so there was no darkness around. Tony really liked that. He even played tag with Clint and Tony got to be in Steve’s arms the whole time. Tony liked that even more.
Thor and Natasha gave him and Bruce their baths that night. Thor told them stories the whole time while Natasha said he could dress-up as whatever he wanted for Halloween.
‘Bubba wants to be a tiger,’ Tony informed Natasha.
‘Tiger,’ his baby nodded enthusiastically.
Tony was happy to hear Bruce talking again. He was worried his panic attack had scared Bruce’s voice away for a while but the very next day, his baby was talking again.
‘Shall I be a lion then?’ Thor asked, tickling Bruce as he scooped him up in a towel.
Bruce giggled before cocking his head to the side as he studied Thor. ‘Puppy dog?’
Thor chuckled. ‘Do you think I would make a grand puppy dog?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Maybe next year.’ Natasha held out her arms to Tony. ‘Ready to hop out and have dinner, nakhal'nyy mal'chik?’
Tony was more than ready.
Clint gave him two sandwiches. Bruce even ate a whole one which Tony decided was the best thing to happen all day.
Curled up in Steve’s arms, which was where Tony had eaten his dinner every night for the past four weeks, Tony held up one of his sandwiches up to Steve. ‘Hungry?’
Steve’s kind smile made feel him warmer than all the clothes wrapped around him. ‘I’m fine, my baby.’ He gently rubbed Tony’s chest. ‘How’s your chest feeling?’
‘Good,’ Tony nodded.
It still felt a little wobbly from being out. Like it was tired from everything or something. He still didn’t like saying it out loud a lot though.
From Steve’s raised eyebrow, Tony blushed and ducked his head.
‘Better,’ he amended.
A shocked laughed escaped him as Steve playfully nuzzled his cheek.
‘Steve!’ he giggled, rubbing his face where it tickled.
Steve gave that smile which made Tony feel really shy and really tiny but he couldn’t make himself not like how it made him feel either. Because somehow, through all of that, it made him feel safe.
‘You don’t have to lie about how you’re feeling,’ Steve spoke to him softly, leaning down so his words were just for Tony. Tony really liked that. ‘Remember?’
Tony gave a hesitant nod.
He was grateful when Steve didn’t push any more.
Giving him a small bounce, he nuzzled his cheek again, causing Tony to burst into more giggles.
‘Finish your dinner, kiddo, then you can play with your baby brother for a bit. But I think we’ll have an early night, hmm?’
Tony knew that was one of those questions which already had an answer. But he couldn’t find it in himself to feel cranky about it.
Soon enough, he and Bruce were playing a clapping game on the floor. His baby kept on missing his hands or losing rhythm but Tony didn’t care. How was Bruce going to learn if Tony didn’t teach him?
Eventually, Bruce started to yawn but tried hard to hide it because if the older ones saw, they both knew that meant bed time.
Even though Bruce hid it really well, Clint came up and held out his arms. ‘I think it’s a baby’s bedtime. What do you think?’
Bruce mustn’t have liked the idea because he began to cry.
Tony hated to hear Bruce cry. It was the worst sound in the world.
Usually, Tony was able to stay strong for Bruce but tonight, it felt like a lot to keep it together. Before he knew it, a sob had escaped him, along with a few tears.
‘Make that two, hmm?’
Tony blinked up through his tears to see Steve’s warm blue eyes smiling down at him.
Hiccuping, he automatically reached out his arms.
‘Steve,’ he said, because somehow, that asked and answered everything.
Steve was the best; he never wasted time when Tony asked to be picked up. Tony was always within his arms a few seconds after he’d asked to be picked up.
From the way Bruce’s cries were picking up, it sounded like it was going to be a hard night settling him. Some nights, Bruce was too sad to sleep.
Tony understood. He’d felt like that when he realized he mightn’t ever see Jarvis again. But there was something else in Bruce’s cries which really haunted Tony and he hated to think what had made Bruce so, so sad.
‘Let’s try the light for you, Bub-Bub,’ he could hear Clint murmuring as they were carried into the bedrooms.
Tony watched, safe from Steve’s arms, as Clint switched on the nightlight Tony had made from the weapon he’d originally created.
Steve had kept his promise, like he always had. They had went and found old pieces of different colours of paper, which Tony used for the solar light to reflect off. It created an array of colours to spread around the room whenever the light was switched on.
When Tony had given the present to Bruce, he’d gotten the biggest hug. Bruce had even said he was the best big brother in the world.
When Steve saw the gift, he’d given Tony three chocolate chip cookies because he said the best big brothers in the world deserved a reward.
It had easily been one of the best days of Tony’s life and his chest hadn’t felt weird that entire day.
As soon as the light was switched on, Bruce’s cries began to settle. His big eyes, glittering with tears, began to focus on the colours, and he sucked on his fingers, sniffling.
‘Are they pretty, Bub-Bub?’ Clint asked softly as he rocked Bruce.
‘Pwetty,’ Bruce echoed.
‘I’ve got his bottle,’ Natasha came jogging in with a bottle mixed half with water, half with milk.
‘Would you like a drink too, baby?’ Steve murmured to him softly as he bounced from side to side, gently patting his backside. The rhythm was starting to make Tony’s eyes feel heavy.
‘Mm-mm,’ Tony hummed sleepily, eyes finally closing at seeing Bruce now contentedly sucking on his bottle. ‘Just want you.’
Tony didn’t know why, but Steve sounded just so happy when he said, ‘I love you, my baby.’
It felt natural for Tony to mumble back, ‘Love you too.’
He didn’t know why it used to be so hard.
The last thing he remembered was being placed next to his little brother and seeing the glimmer of purples, reds, greens, golds and blues shimmering above him.