Chapter Text
“Did you just say ‘Benrey?’”
Oh. Shit.
Only then did it occur to Gordon that neither he nor Tommy had told Coomer or Bubby that Benrey was, indeed, back.
“Gordon, if security agent Boper is indeed back, I think we both would have liked to know earlier,” said Coomer with a surprising amount of restraint.
“Yeah, no fu—no surprise!” seethed Bubby, barely stopping xemself from cursing in front of Joshua. “A little heads-up would’ve been nice.”
Gordon looked at xem with his brows creased slightly in worry. Despite looking pissed at him for not telling either of them about Benrey’s resurrection, xe didn’t look angry about Benrey being back. Had xe missed them, too?
“I’m—I’m really sorry, guys, it’s been really hectic the past couple weeks and it completely slipped my mind. I’ll—”
Bubby cut him off with a wave. “It’s fine. Quit your excuses, you’re wasting my batteries. Is Benrey at Tommy’s?”
Gordon nodded. “Yeah, it’s why I’m going over there. I kinda messed up and need to talk to them.”
“Great. The second you come back, we are heading straight over. Now get going and fix whatever you screwed up again!” Bubby said with a half-affectionate shove to Gordon to get him out the door. He laughed and waved at the three of them as he walked out.
“Alright, alright. Have fun, don’t set anything on fire!”
“No promises, Gordon!” Coomer called back as he closed the door. Gordon chuckled to himself. Still the same old scientists, he supposed. He zipped his jacket closed as he began the walk to Tommy’s house. It wasn’t a very long way off, and he didn’t think he was at all in a state to drive.
He definitely wasn’t stalling the inevitable confrontation.
Not at all.
Gordon didn’t even give himself the chance to back out when he was finally at Tommy’s house. He rang the doorbell as soon as he stepped onto the porch, trying not to look too nervous as he waited. This would be fine. What was the worst that could happen?
Actually, don’t think about that. The worst that could happen would be very bad, and Gordon didn’t particularly want to have a panic attack before he even stepped inside. Tommy opening the door snapped him out of that spiral before he could get too far, thankfully.
“Hi Mr. Freeman, come on in!” Tommy greeted with a smile. As Gordon stepped inside, he caught a glimpse of Benrey sitting on the couch. They only met his eyes for a second before turning away. Yikes, that wasn’t a good sign.
“Hey Tommy, hey Benrey, I, uh… wanted to just talk for a bit about what happened yesterday,” said Gordon, rubbing the back of his neck. Tommy nodded.
“Alright, let’s—let’s sit down, then.”
When the three of them were finally sat down in the living room; Tommy and Benrey on the couch, Gordon in an armchair, and Sunkist laying on the floor between them; Gordon finally broke the silence that had settled in.
“Okay, so I’m gonna start with, uh, the needles.” He sighed as he ran a hand through the wispy strands of his hair that had escaped his ponytail. “They’re for my T injections. They’re not for Joshie at all, just for me.”
The hesitation from Tommy and Benrey in answering triggered a deep-seated fear in Gordon’s chest. They—they were safe, to come out to, right? Obviously, they were, what with Benrey and Bubby, but fuck, what if he misjudged and he should’ve just stayed stealth and—
“Aren’t you supposed to drink tea?” Benrey asked, completely deadpan.
Their question, accompanied by a genuinely confused expression, completely derailed the panicked train of thought running through Gordon’s head.
“What—no, dude, not tea like the drink,” he stammered, unable to suppress a smile. “T. Short for testosterone, you know?”
Benrey blinked at him. Gordon realized, belatedly, that Benrey probably did not know what that meant, either. He sighed. Okay. So this was going to be a whole explanation happening now.
“It’s hormone replacement therapy. I’m trans, uh, assigned female at birth but I’m a guy, so I do hormone injections to have facial hair and a deep voice and stuff.” That was enough of an explanation, right? “So, uh, the needles are for the hormones I take. It’s not anything dangerous, and I keep them where Joshie can’t find them and get hurt.”
Benrey appeared to visibly relax when Gordon explained what the needles were for. Tommy squeezed their hand with a reassuring smile.
“See, Benrey? He—Joshua is safe. But you—you were just doing what, what you thought was best.” Tommy gave a relieved look to Gordon, who nodded in return.
He had to admit, it certainly made him feel some kind of way to have seen Benrey so visibly protective of Joshua. They had been willing to put their life on the line for a kid they’d only known for a few days. Even if that meant he’d been on the receiving end of a pretty nasty scratch, Gordon couldn’t deny being kind of proud of them.
Finally, Benrey spoke again. “So if you… how’d you have the dick slip then?”
This time, Gordon was completely blindsided as he doubled over laughing. Of all the conversation topics, of all the things they could have asked, all the really serious shit that had just happened, of course that was what Benrey asked about. God, he’d missed them.
“It’s—that was my packer,” he managed eventually through his giggles. “Must’ve gotten fucked up when I put on the HEV suit.”
Benrey just nodded, apparently satisfied with that explanation. Tommy looked like he was trying to hold back laughter for their sake. Gordon still needed a minute to collect himself because what the fuck, man.
“Okay, so, that’s…” he cleared his throat. “Now that that’s been cleared up, uh, I… don’t know if Tommy told you about this, but… we talked yesterday.”
Gordon didn’t miss the way Benrey’s hand gripped Tommy’s tighter. Right. This was going to be uncomfortable for everyone involved, but it had to happen. It was like pulling a splinter out. Sure, it hurt, but it was better than just leaving it in. He took a breath and pressed on.
“He told me about… about Black Mesa, and what happened. What they did.” The memory of Benrey broken down in front of him, the conjured images of what they’d gone through as a child, threatened to bring tears to Gordon’s eyes. “And I— fuck, man, I’m sorry.”
Benrey was quiet for another moment before speaking up.
“Bro, you couldn’t have just asked me that?”
This took both Gordon and Tommy aback as they looked at Benrey.
“I was already upset, could’ve asked if I was okay with you knowing,” they went on, tugging at their chullo strings with the hand that wasn’t already holding Tommy’s. “Can’t just go digging around for my backstory and shit. ‘S against the rules.”
Gordon was silent as Benrey’s words sunk into him. He really had crossed a boundary. Fuck. In his hesitation to respond, Benrey kept going.
“And Tommy, you—you shouldn’t have just told him everything and not asked. It’s my traumatic backstory and shit. I don’t… I don’t just want everyone knowing everything behind my back, man.”
Now it was Tommy’s turn to look guilty. He gave Benrey’s hand a quick squeeze, but Gordon spoke up before Tommy could.
“I… you’re right.” Gordon looked down, shame clear on his face even without sweet voice to announce it. “I should’ve talked to you first. I’m really sorry.”
“I-I’m sorry too,” Tommy added as soon as he got the chance. “I didn’t—I wanted to help you, but it was—I did the wrong thing by assuming you couldn’t just—by not asking you first.” His voice was wavering at the edges, still trying to keep steady.
Benrey’s head abruptly turned towards Tommy and then Gordon, their eyes wide. A couple orange and blue balls of sweet voice trailed off from their half-open lips. Gordon didn’t recognize the colors, but the rest of their expression made it clear that they hadn’t been expecting an apology of all things.
“I get why you don’t want just anyone knowing about what happened. You didn’t—nobody deserves to have gone through that,” Gordon went on. “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. Of crossing your boundaries. And I get why the needles freaked you out. Triggers are… they’re bad. I know.” He rubbed his right arm as he spoke, just above the point where the prosthetic attached. The prosthetic that was set in the place a minigun used to be. A minigun that Gordon would have shot Benrey with.
He looked up at them again, making brief eye contact as silent regret passed between them both. There was a pause before Benrey finally spoke up.
“I’m sorry too,” they began, voice barely above a mumble. “I… hurt you. Your arm. Again.”
“Hey, it’s okay, I totally get why you freaked out.” Gordon smiled at them in a way he hoped was reassuring. “You did give a very clear warning. It was kind of on me for fucking that up.”
Benrey’s eyes still wouldn’t meet Gordon’s. Apparently, they weren’t convinced yet, so he kept talking.
“Actually, I’m—I don’t really know how to say it, but… you would’ve put your life on the line to protect Joshie.” Gordon gave Benrey another smile when they glanced at him for a second. “If anything, I kinda trust you more now.”
That made Benrey look up and face him, a conflicted expression on their face.
“No—how?” they sputtered, letting go of Tommy’s hand to grip the couch cushions. “You shouldn’t, after everything, I—”
A quiet ding from the doorbell stopped Benrey in their tracks. Tommy took advantage of the interruption to get up and answer the door, coming back with two flat cardboard boxes in his arms.
“The—the pizza’s here!” he announced with a chipper smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “How about we take a break to eat?”
Gordon and Benrey looked at each other as the unsaid words hung in the air. Tension was high, emotions were volatile, and neither of them wanted to make the situation more stressful than it already was.
“Yeah, a lunch break sounds good,” said Gordon, standing up from the armchair and glancing at Benrey. “We can pick this up later, mkay?”
They nodded and followed Gordon and Tommy to the dining room. Gordon noted with concern the way their face was still creased and twisted with… fear? Dread? Anger?
Whatever it was, he had a feeling he’d find out soon.
Pizza was a good food, Benrey decided as they ate. Granted, they hadn’t gotten the chance to try all that many foods. Gordon kept saying he’d make all the cool dishes for them to taste, but Benrey wasn’t sure he’d want to go through with that anymore.
They didn’t get it. Why did Gordon still trust them? Why wasn’t he angry, or scared, or yelling, or something? Gordon should be at least as scared of Benrey as they were of him.
Well. Not… really. They weren’t afraid of Gordon. Not now. No, right now, Gordon was just being all chill and nice and all “it’s okay, I understand” at them. He wasn’t scary.
He would be, they reminded themself. Gordon would be scared and angry once he found out about what they’d kept silent. Sure, now he knew about the lab shit that happened when they were a kid, and that made him less mad and stuff, but he still didn’t know everything.
He didn’t know everything that happened on Xen. He didn’t know what they had been thinking.
Benrey’s chest tightened into a knot as another realization wormed into their head. Tommy didn’t know either. But he—he was smart. He’d figure it out, and then he’d tell Gordon and everyone because Benrey had fucked up, and—
They took another bite of pizza and chewed it methodically to distract from the building anxiety. This was gonna go so badly. It was going to hurt. But if they were going out, they were going out on their own terms.
When they moved back to the living room after an artificially cheerful lunch, Tommy surprised Benrey by sitting in the armchair before Gordon could. He gave them an encouraging smile and a nod.
Fuck.
On the couch with Feetman it was, then. Benrey sat against the armrest, pulling their legs up onto the cushion and practically shrinking into the corner of it. Gordon sat on the other side, looking much more like a normal human being and not a gargoyle. He turned to Benrey and they focused on the extremely fascinating lint on the rug instead.
“So, uh…” Gordon began, fidgeting with a loose strand of hair, “I won’t deny that I was kinda scared yesterday. In the bathroom. But it wasn’t you, you know? It was just… it was like I was back there. Instinct, I guess.”
When Benrey nodded but didn’t say anything, Gordon took it as his cue to continue.
“But after, I was just scared for you. I was… afraid that I hurt you. That I’d fucked up too much and that you wouldn’t feel safe at ho—at my house anymore.”
Benrey took one of their chullo strings into their mouth and started chewing it. They’d rather chew on the hoodie’s strings, but they’d forgotten it at Gordon’s. Where he was afraid that they didn’t feel safe anymore. They took a moment to think about it. They didn’t feel… unsafe there. Not now that Gordon had explained what the needles were for. Sure, they’d rather not see the needles, but at least they knew that nobody was gonna get hurt.
Not because of those, at least.
But they still wouldn’t feel safe as long as they were hiding what they knew. Gordon and Tommy would hate them when they found out. Benrey couldn’t let that happen when they had already gotten comfortable and close again. It would just hurt more.
Benrey briefly wondered if they could still respawn. They wondered if they would need to.
Best to get it over with now. Make it hurt a little less.
“Remember Xen?” they said, the string falling out of their mouth. Gordon nodded, but Tommy was quick to interrupt.
“That—Benrey, we’ve already moved past that, it… it was terrible for all of us, you included. It wasn’t you; it was—it was the influence of the planet.” His hands rubbed back and forth over the fabric of the armchair, trying to stim out the anxiety he was holding back. “We—I don’t hold it against you.”
Gordon nodded, casting worried looks between Tommy and Benrey. When his gaze landed on Benrey again, they looked away, trying to force down the lump in their throat. They weren’t sure if it was sweet voice or… something else.
Why was Tommy so nice? Why was he just… such a good person? They didn’t deserve it, they didn’t deserve any of it, they…
They had to come clean.
“It was me,” Benrey mumbled. “It… you’re saying it like I was just a puppet or video game character or something. Being piloted and mind controlled and all that. I wasn’t.”
The room was utterly silent. Benrey couldn’t bring themself to look at either of them. They couldn’t bear to see their faces, to see the fear and rage and betrayal that they knew would be there, but they couldn’t stop now.
“Xen doesn’t—it’s not some kinda puppeteer. It gets in your head and makes everything feel so big and scary and loud, but it didn’t control me. I decided what to do. I chose to… to fight.” Benrey could feel their hands trembling, hear their voice beginning to fray. The edges of their vision looked like dark static, like they were zooming out too far to try to leave their body. Leave their head. Leave everything about this situation behind and disappear.
“And I chose wrong,” they choked out as their fists balled up the fabric of their shirt. “I chose wrong, and I hurt you, because I was scared, and angry, and Xen was scary, and I didn’t want you to shoot, I…” Benrey closed their eyes as they pulled their legs to their chest, breaths already getting shaky.
“I didn’t want you to die,” they whispered, muffled by the position they were in. “I didn’t wanna kill you, I didn’t wanna die, I just wanted everything to stop. I… I just wanted to go home.”
Every breath was a struggle not to let their voice break, not to spill sweet voice everywhere, not to let tears start falling. They couldn’t hold on much longer. Whatever Gordon and Tommy were going to do, Benrey just hoped they’d do it quickly.
They heard movement from next to them on the couch and couldn’t suppress a flinch. Benrey braced themself for yelling, for Gordon to just run, for a gunshot, for something—
And instead, they just felt a hand on their shoulder. Warm, steady, comforting, nothing like the physical or emotional hurt they were expecting. Benrey turned their head just enough to glance at Gordon.
They only had a second to process the tears welling in his eyes, the way his mouth was pressed thin like theirs was, the incomprehensibly soft look to his face, before they felt his arms wrap around them.
This… Benrey hadn’t planned for this. Gordon held them close and they couldn’t stop themself from clinging to his shirt in return.
“What—why’re you…” their breath hitched as every second brought them closer to the edge. “Aren’t you gonna get angry? Gordon—Gordon Meanman? I was… I’m the badguy, man, you don’t…”
Gordon shook his head and Benrey could feel his hand rubbing circles into their back. They took a shuddering breath that ended up sounding uncomfortably close to a whimper.
“You’re not s’posed to—to do this, it’s against— against the rules, bro,” they stuttered. Despite their protests, Benrey found themself holding on tighter. “I’m not…”
“It’s okay.” Gordon’s soft whisper cut them off before they could go on. “It’s okay. You… you made mistakes. So did we. It was… Xen, Black Mesa, the military—it fucked us all up. But you’re not irredeemable, Benrey.”
Gordon pulled back a bit and Benrey was afraid that the hug was over, but Gordon didn’t leave. He looked down at them as the tears blurring his vision finally spilled from his eyes. Gordon brought his hand up to hold their face and gently brushed them away with his thumb. Benrey found themself paralyzed as Gordon started talking again.
“You’ve changed. You’re trying, you’re learning, and I—I’m proud of you, man. You’re still trying to fix things, to be kind, and I don’t… I don’t hold what happened before against you.” He smiled, even as his own voice was starting to get choked up. “Not anymore. It hurt, and I… we can’t get over it all overnight, but you’ve really been trying, and that’s enough.”
Gordon pulled them back into the hug, leaning his face against Benrey’s head as they squeezed their eyes shut and bit their lip. His hand rubbed their shoulders again, trying to soothe their trembling.
“It’s okay, Benrey,” he whispered. “I forgive you. It’s alright. We’re gonna be alright.”
Benrey clutched his shirt, took one last thin breath, and broke into muffled sobs. They couldn’t hold it anymore. It was too much, too much, and they didn’t understand why Gordon was forgiving them. They didn’t deserve it. They didn’t deserve this warmth, this kindness, another chance…
Beside them, they felt the couch cushions dip and another hand on their shoulder.
“He’s right, Benrey,” said Tommy, sounding very close to tears himself. “We’re—we’re going to be okay.”
Another pair of arms wrapped around them and Benrey let themself melt into it. They still didn’t think they deserved any of this, but shit, if Tommy believed they did, then…
Maybe they could get better. Be better.
Maybe they could actually be worth it all.
It took a while before anybody was ready to let go. Gordon kept holding Benrey until he finally felt their shaking subside, and a little bit longer after that. It gave him some time to think about what he’d said—what they’d both said.
He didn’t regret a word of it. He did forgive Benrey. That didn’t mean he wasn’t still traumatized, that didn’t mean everything was perfect or that he was over what had happened in their past, but it did mean that he could give Benrey the chance to have a clean slate.
They could move forward from this, move on, get better, and they could do it together.
Tommy was the first to pull back, but he still kept one hand on Benrey’s shoulder.
“Are—how are you feeling?” he asked them, sniffling a little. Benrey turned their head just enough to spit out a couple golden-yellow sweet voice bubbles and give him a grateful smile. “Yellow like hay means it’s okay. Alright. I… I’m glad.”
“Mhm,” Benrey mumbled as they gradually shifted away from Gordon again. Their hand still lingered on his arm, and it felt warmer than Gordon expected it to. “Kinda tired now.”
“Right, yeah, we’ve been talking for a while,” Gordon added as he reached out to tug Benrey’s chullo back into place where it was starting to slip. “Should, uh, probably get back home to Joshie.”
Silence blanketed the room again as Gordon looked at Benrey, hoping against hope for an answer to his unasked question. When they looked up at him with a hesitant expression, he put his hand on theirs and smiled.
The shy, hopeful smile the gesture brought from Benrey was blindingly bright. Gordon felt the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen and tears prick at his eyes again. It had been too long since he’d seen that smile.
“Yeah,” Benrey finally said, turning away with a pink and yellow blush on their cheeks. “Let’s go home.”
Bubby paced in circles around the couch as Harold played Connect 4 with Joshua in the living room. Xe noticed the occasional worried glances xir husband was giving xem, but xe couldn’t do anything about it at the moment. Xe took xir phone out again, re-reading the last text Gordon sent xem.
Hey, on my way back with Benrey now. We’re okay, and they know you and Coomer are waiting there. See you soon.
Okay. Okay. So xe wouldn’t need to go all the way over to Tommy’s just to see Benrey, but that meant xe also had a lot less time to mentally prepare xemself. Fuck.
What was xe supposed to even say?? Hey kid, welcome back, sorry we killed you! No hard feelings? You’re clearly super traumatized and I feel responsible for at least some of it, but then again, we’re all unbelievably fucked up! Sure wish I’d known you were no longer dead earlier than weeks afterwards because Gordon ran his fucking mouth!
It was getting nowhere. Xe didn’t even know what to expect. Benrey was prone to so much change, so fast, and they always had been—their personality during and after the Cascade had been so different to how they’d been as a kid that xe wouldn’t have recognized them. And that wasn’t even beginning to get into their behavior on Xen.
Bubby wasn’t used to worrying this much. Gordon was the one that did all the worrying. Bubby just took things as they came and didn’t bother twisting xemself into knots about possible scenarios. But maybe if xe had worried more, xe’d at least have more practice and know how to react.
The smell of burning fabric momentarily snapped xem out of xir thoughts as xe looked down at xir now singed sleeves. Shit. Xe just fixed those. Stupid fucking… stress sparks fucking up xir clothes. At least they didn’t get on the carpet. Or Joshua. That was probably why Harold had taken him into the other room, actually— good planning on his part. Burning children was definitely worse than burning a really ugly shag rug.
Maybe xe could just go outside and set something on fire to burn off the excess energy. Yeah, that might help, xe could just grab a paper towel and put it on the brick patio and—
Ah.
Shit.
That wasn’t going to happen apparently, because xe heard the door open behind xem as Gordon—and, of course, Benrey—stepped inside. Bubby turned around, xir eyes meeting theirs.
Fuck.
Xe didn’t know what xe expected—an avalanche of thoughts and feelings and memories, maybe? Anger? Regret? Anything at all—but it wasn’t the unnerving blankness that filled xir head.
Gordon looked between the two of them. Benrey held their mouth shut, but their eyes betrayed anxiety. Bubby took one step forward, then another, and finally closed the gap with one swift motion that had Benrey pulled into xir arms.
Benrey barely hesitated before hugging back, head resting on Bubby’s shoulder. Clearly it had been a long time since xe’d held them—last time, they barely reached xir chest. They hadn’t felt so desperate in their grip last time, either.
Bubby huffed out a laugh as the two of them were tackled by Harold and Joshua, with Harold’s arms extending around them both and Joshua clinging to Benrey’s leg. Xe pulled back just enough to get another good look at Benrey. They looked so different than they did in Black Mesa. Just a few weeks of rooming with Gordon was enough to make them look healthier than xe’d ever seen them. Maybe xe’d have to thank him.
“Kept us waiting long enough,” Bubby said, xir voice underlaid with affection as xe messed with their hat. “Welcome back, kid.”