Chapter Text
Ashes was doing better, now.
Sort of.
Sort of kind of.
Their lungs rattled and ached. Not skipping breaths, but absolutely not working as they should. Their knees crunched and hurt in sharp pain under any weight, and their wrist throbbed with dull pain.
But they were doing better.
Or so they told themself.
Or so they lied to themself.
But lying was what they did, so it was fine. It was fine.
Jonny fell asleep between them and Tim not very long after they all settled onto the couch. He was exhausted. Ashes didn't blame him after all the shit that had happened today that he just passed out.
Ashes remained there, stroking his hair.
Wishing that they could sleep too.
But they couldn’t. Of course they couldn’t.
They decided to give themself 10, 15 minutes to rest after Jonny fell asleep. It was nice. To let themselves relax for a minute. To unwind after all this. To take a minute to hold each other.
They wanted to stay there. Holding Jonny forever.
But they have work to do.
They have a whole fucking list of shit they need to do, and wants are not worth shrugging off even one of their responsibilities. No matter how nice holding Jonny was, they had responsibilities.
They were the oldest, after all. Always the oldest. Always the smartest. Always the loyalist. Always the only person they can trust to take care of any real issues.
Because, goddamn if they could trust a single other person to be able to take care of anything.
Brian was supposed to be that person.
Supposed to be a fucking adult so they could take a break for just a few days.
Is that too much? A few days? A few days so they can stop worrying about making sure Jonny doesn't toss himself out after Nastya, a few days that they don't have to make food and try and coax Jonny into eating anything, a few days so they can sleep without waking up every few hours too scared of Jonny doing something stupid in the middle of the night?
Just a few days.
That's all they wanted. A few days.
Brian was supposed to be a break. Someone else to keep an eye on everyone. Someone else who can be in control.
And then he went and killed everyone. Then he went and brought Jonny all the way back to square one. Then he went and destroyed any sense of fucking normalcy they had managed to piece together.
Brian proved himself a waste of trust.
They shouldn't have trusted him in the first place.
Why do they keep making that same mistake?
How many times now?
The lady who ran the orphanage.
Mickey.
Carmilla.
Brian.
Useless.
They're all fucking useless. And in the end, just exist to hurt them. To say “I’ll keep you safe” or “If you need me I’ll be here for you” or even “You don't to be the responsible one anymore” and then to turn around and make it a lie.
How many times will they dare to believe that someone will take care of them?
How many times will they fall for that lie?
When they were still a kid they had believed it was something to do with them. That something about them made everyone who dared to say “I will take care of you.” turn on them. Something inherent to them was bad.
But that’s bullshit.
It's such bullshit.
They’ve never done shit to deserve it but it keeps happening.
But Brian proving himself worthless doesn't change anything.
They're still the eldest.
They're still the responsible one.
They're still the quartermaster.
How many times will they forget that that means they have to fend for themself?
They bury their face into the top of Jonny's head.
Furiously blinking back tears.
They were an idiot to believe the universe would give them a break.
They’d declared themself captain earlier.
Because that's true, isn't it?
They're so fucking desperate for control.
And they know it.
Why couldn't he have just been fine? Why couldn't he have just been able to take over and let them rest?
It's not fair.
But nothing is.
Nothing is ever fair.
Life isn't fair.
Not for them. Never for them.
They’re the eldest. They have to take care of everything.
Thats just what being an older sibling is.
They allow themself another moment of hugging Jonny. Another single moment of comfort.
They have work to do. They are the only person on this crew who can do anything even remotely productive.
Slowly, so as not to wake either of them, they pull themself out of the tangle of limbs on the couch.
Marius stared at them, “Ashes?”
“I’m going to find Raph and Ivy.” They explain, curt and quick as they tuck the blanket over Jonny and Tim.
Both of them need the rest.
Both of them need to sleep.
“I think Raph has it handled.” Marius sits up, facing them now.
“I’m worried.” Ashes snaps.
Jonny is safe for now, they tell themself, curled up with Tim. He wouldn't do anything stupid with Tim laying on him, especially not with how sick he is right now.
He’ll be fine for a while, and they need to find Raph and Ivy.
Because of course they do.
Because of course Ivy, the one person here they trusted to be fine until they find Nastya needs their help.
Because of course Brian ruined everything.
They feel like they're standing on the edge of a cliff. Like a single gust of wind will send them off. Send them over the edge into an endless abyss.
They're so, so tired.
When they take a step, their knee nearly gives with a dull crunch and a sharp, stabbing agony as they put weight on it . But they were expecting it. Walking on half-broken bones is never a fun thing. Thank god Jonny is asleep. He’d be worried. He’d stop them.
“Ashes,” Marius’s voice was harsh, and he started to stand, going to steady them. Ashes just glared. “Sit down.”
“No, I’m fine Marius.” They let a dash of their fury into their voice and Marius’s eyes widen. In an instant his hands were up.
“I just think-”
“I don’t fucking care what you think.” They all but snarl, and they’re furious. They’re so furious. Because everything is ruined.
“Just go then, Ashes,” Marius snaps. “Pardon me for worrying about you.”
They don't bother to reply, because they’ll either start screaming or crying, and neither of those are good options. They take another step, and their knee doesn't give.
So they leave, vaguely aware of how hard their hands are shaking.
Vaguely aware of Marius’s worried gaze on their back.
They feel sick.
They feel almost faint.
They need to go find Raph and Ivy.
They need to make sure the rest of their family is okay.
Then they can rest a bit more.
Family first. (Isn’t that what Mickey always used to say? Before he burned them? Before he told everyone they ever cared for they sold out to the Aces? Before he ruined their life?)
They walk away, hands balled into fists as they bite back the urge to glance over their shoulder at Jonny and Tim one last time. They don't want to see Marius’s expression.
They would be fine for a while.
“Aurora?”
She was silent. She was so silent now. (They needed to find Nastya. They needed to find her.)
“Can you please tell me where Raph and Ivy are?”
[No.]
“Aurora.”
No matter how Ashes asked, she was silent. They know when to give up, and they didn't have the energy to fight right now.
They were probably in the medbay. The proper one. Not Marius’s room of nightmares.
It was a slow thing, walking there. Because they had to go slow to avoid falling over, forcing their thoughts away from Brian.
If there is one thing they’re good at it's ignoring the feeling of betrayal.
Ashes stepped into the medbay.
It was a scene from any horror movie. Blood everywhere, mad scientist hunched over a twitching corpse. But that was a Tuesday sort of thing living with Raphaella, and Ashes stepped in.
She jolted at the movement. Her wings tried to puff up but stopped as she visibly cringed in pain.
“Ashes.” She greeted. “You look awful.” She looked up, starting a new needle to continue stitching Ivy back together.
“Thanks.” They walk over, dragging a chair to the side of the cot Ivy was resting on.
“No, Ashes, seriously, you look awful."
“And I’m here to make sure you and Ivy are alright.” They sat down, all but collapsing back into the chair.
“Ashes..” Raph reached out a hand for half a moment, but pulled back as she is terribly covered in gore.
“I’m fine Raph.”
“You look like you’re going to fall over.”
“How are your wings?” Ashes asked, changing the subject. Because they are not important right now.
“Awful but-”
“Go lay down.” They interrupt. They’re not letting Raph turn the conversation back to them.
She frowns as they stand up, pulling back as they go to take the needle and thread from her. “Raph-” Ashes starts.
“No, Ashes. No. I can take care of Ivy. You look like you’ve been through hell, you can hardly stand.”
“Raphaella.”
“Go lay with Jonny. Go calm down. You were hurt just as badly-”
“Give me the thread, Raphaella. I was not hurt nearly as badly as anyone else.”
“Yes you were- ”
They can't fucking do this right now.
They draw their gun. They click off the safety and point it at Raph. They know they will hate themself for this, god they already do. But they can't do this right now.
“Give me the thread, Raphaella. Then go lay down.”
“You wouldn’t shoot me.” She says, Not moving. “Not right now.”
“I said give it.”
“Ashes.” They feel like they are going to shatter. “Ashes, put your gun down.”
They pull the trigger, and Raph falls dead. Bullet through her brain.
Something inside them snaps and then they are sobbing.
Because they just killed Raph. They killed her.
Their lungs keep going, the same steady cycle, so their breath can’t hitch, and they don't choke on sobs. They don't shake with every breath.
They don't even make a sound.
But tears are running down their face, and they can't.
What is wrong with them?
But with their breath always steady, they don't cry for long. 20, 30 seconds as they piece themself into something slightly recognizable.
There is something deeply wrong with them, but right now?
Right now they have to help Ivy.
They snatch the needle and thread from Raph’s dead hands.
Needle and thread. Stitches. Not strictly necessary, but it would help. Things always heal better with stitches.
And what are they supposed to do? Not help?
What are they here for but to take care of everyone?
(Doctor C once told them she was glad she made them, if only so they could take care of Jonny and Nastya when she wasn't there.)
They stand over Ivy. They feel sick, and their hands are shaking so badly that they know they can’t do this.
They need to calm down.
So they drop it, set the needle down and put their head in their hands.
They need to just… calm down.
They need to calm down.
Brian hurt everyone. (Nastya is gone. Jonny is more suicidal than they have ever seen him. They haven't slept properly in months. Tim's face is in ruins. Ivy is bleeding out again in front of them)
They're not ok. (They are fucking helpless. Again. They can't fix this. They can't fix what Brian did. They can’t.)
They need to stitch up Ivy. They need to talk to Brian. They need to find Nastya.
Three things.
One easy. One hard. One that feels nearly impossible.
Right now, they just need to stitch up Ivy.
They focus on their breath cycling, quieting every other thought.
Their emotional bullshit doesn't matter right now.
Of course, it doesn't.
Because they're the only goddamn person who can fix this.
(And they know thats a lie. They shot Raph.)
Ivy is gored from neck to navel, and Raph had already done up her throat and chest. Raph’s stitches were practiced and neat, and Ashes knows they should have just let her do it.
Why did they shoot her?
(They know why. She didn’t listen. And they hate themself for it.)
Ashes is no stranger to gore, but as they do stitches, they can't help but to think for the millionth time how tired they are of the feeling of blood on their hands.
Every stitch is another movement closer to finishing.
They aren't good stitches, they aren't even remotely decent stitches. Their hands are shaking and they know, they know Raph would be doing it better.
But they’re a fucking control freak, and they shot her, and they’re so awful.
But they'll get the job done. It’ll be fine.
Soon, they've sewn Ivy back together, their hands are so bloody, and Ivy’s skin is rapidly healing around their work.
She'll be fine soon enough.
She’ll be fine. And Raph will wake up and hold her.
Good. This is fine.
They let themself fall back against the chair.
Why did Brian have to ruin everything?
Why couldn’t he have just let them rest?
They're so tired. Their knee hurts. The arm Brian crushed is throbbing. It hurts and they’re tired and they still need to talk to Brian.
They hate this. They hate this so much.
They need to go wash their hands. They need to get the blood off.
They need to take a shower. They need to feel like a fucking person again.
They hate this. They’re so tired.
They need to get Raph into a position other than the one she fell in.
Fuck.
She fell.
Her wings. Her wings.
They flip Raph onto her stomach, and pointedly don’t look at her wings.
If they do, they will break.
Because they hurt her, they hurt her, and they just feel grief.
But they shove it down. Shove it away.
They still need to talk to Brian.
They get Raph laying down, and they aren’t sure if they’re crying.
They just need to take a shower. Get the blood off.
Then they'll face Brian.
And then, maybe, just maybe, they'll drag Jonny into a bed where they can keep an eye on him and sleep.