Chapter Text
tubbo noticed some changes over the next few weeks, and he wasn't the only one.
he struggled to keep up with streaming, countless discord calls, and his own friendships. he felt low on energy all the time, despite sleeping more than twelve hours each night. he skipped most of his meals and ate late at night, hiding in his room like a dog that'd stolen from the trash. he felt guilty like one too, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of ruining his progress that day by filling his body with greasy food.
his friends had started to pick up on his change in behavior, mostly how much more irritable he had been. he felt guilty over this too, but for some reason, he just felt snappish and pissed off all the time.
when confronted he blamed it on lack of sleep, or migraines, or even hormones.
but he wasn't stupid.
he knew that eating less was causing his mood to decline, which was making him act out. he was used to eating so much, so suddenly restricting had thrown his body for a loop (that's what he told himself) and really, who was to blame for that?
things would even themselves out, once he lost some weight and felt happier with himself.
every time he stared into the mirror and pinched his waist, he wondered how far he'd have to go to get there.
"toby, are you listening?" someone- tommy- sighed into their microphone.
"oh, sorry." tubbo blearily raised his head, adjusting his headphones that were slipping off halfway. good thing he didn't have his camera on. "what were you saying?"
"i was asking you if you wanted to stream with me, ranboo, and wil tomorrow."
"oh, yeah, sure." he replied hastily, then yawned. "what time?"
"early, probably. will you be up?"
tubbo winced. "yeah, i'll figure it out."
"cool, cool. no pressure."
tommy was clearly leaving him room to decline, but tubbo knew he couldn't leave himself out of another stream without facing possible concern from the others, or scolding from the older members about his sleep schedule.
"i'll be there."
the next day, tubbo was woken by his alarm clock and immediately felt tears well up in his eyes.
shit, this isn't good. it's gonna be one of those days.
he quickly swiped off his phone's alarm and rubbed his arm over his eyes, forcing back any unwelcome tears. he hated waking up crying, that was another thing happening lately and it always felt embarrassing. there was no logic to it.
he basically dragged himself out of bed to brush his hair and teeth. he felt slightly nauseous, but brushed it off as being anxious about streaming.
he was only halfway done when he got a discord notification and fumbled with his phone. they were started already?
"what the hell..." he muttered under his breath, abandoning his wake-up routine in favor of setting up his camera.
he started the stream, feeling odd and not quite there. be knew it was going to be an off day, one where maintaining a positive energy for his viewers would leave him drained by the end of it.
he didn't even realize he'd joined the discord call until multiple, overlapping voices filled his ears.
"tubs, you gonna turn on your camera?"
he let that process for a second before realizing he was staring at a blank screen. he forced a laugh. "oh, my bad, chat."
he clicked on his camera, and immediately felt another wave of uneasiness come over him. he looked like a mess still, his face pale and hair smushed to the side.
"aww wait, did you just wake up?" someone asked, and tubbo laughed and nodded.
"pretty much, yeah. i'm in a right state, aren't i, chat?"
he glanced at the chat flying by to see some compliments and KEKWs.
for some reason, the people laughing at him only served to make his confidence sink even lower. what was wrong with him? people were probably just having a laugh at his hair, not his face or body or-
he realized he was spacing out and jerked himself back to reality, placing his fingers back on the keys. his hands felt slightly shaky now, discomfort coursing through him.
he somehow managed to tune out most of the conversations going on, laughing or agreeing whenever it felt necessary. thankfully, his friends seemed to busy talking to each other to notice his long periods of silence.
but because his friends didn't notice, a viewer just had to, and soon a dono was read out.
"did you even have time to eat lol"
innocent enough, maybe poking fun, and he responded accordingly.
"no, i just rolled out of bed and turned on the camera." he joked, internally sighing at the people telling him "GO EAT".
"i'll eat after stream, chat."
when stream ended an hour later, he practically fell into his bed after turning off his PC. exhaustion weighed heavy on him, and he felt the beginnings of a headache coming on.
he typically loved streaming, but lately it felt like a chore.
maybe he should be bothered by that, but right now all he could think about was how much he'd grown to dislike having himself displayed on that camera in the corner of the screen.
he'd always been a little insecure, but now he felt downright self-conscious. it was difficult to see himself without picking apart every flaw and wondering if his viewers were doing the same. did they look at his stomach, neck, and arms with the same sense of disgust?
and what about his friends? have they always noticed, but didn't want to say anything? was ranboo holding something back whenever tubbo stood in front of the camera on video chat?
he would be too polite to say anything, but he'd definitely be thinking it.
tubbo suddenly felt sick.
he needed to do better, what he was doing now- it wasn't enough.