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  1. 13

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    ‘I want to do something I’ll regret in the morning!’ Downey announced, rather proud of himself.
    Ludo laughed, ‘Why would you want to do that?’
    ‘Because,’ Downey said, as seriously as the gin in his blood would let him, ‘The things one regrets the morning after are almost always the things one is glad to have done when one is old and grey.’
    ‘That’s uncharacteristically deep of you Downey,’ Vetinari murmured, starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, ‘And rather optimistic to think you’ll live that long.’

    Or, an overview of Downey and Vetinari's relationship through the years, told through a kiss.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,576
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    102
    Bookmarks:
    13
    Hits:
    759
  2. 14

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    Vimes has always been a man of direct action, and living among the nobs hasn’t changed that.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,393
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    148
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    936
  3. 9

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    A collection of drabbles based on various and sundry Downey/Vetinari prompts, primarily from tumblr requests. Feel free to request drabbles either in the comments here or over on tumblr.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    35,121
    Chapters:
    15/?
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    102
    Kudos:
    196
    Bookmarks:
    9
    Hits:
    2,413
  4. 63

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    In honour of Dracula Daily, but the horrific bloodsucking monstrosity will have to deal with class-full of disc's most lethal fratboys instead of one (1) lawyer.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,028
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    83
    Kudos:
    341
    Bookmarks:
    63
    Hits:
    2,126
  5. 14

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    Ankh-Morpork, thirty years ago: Samuel Vimes meets a younger version of his husband.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,237
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    166
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    1,079
  6. 71

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    Every year, the Assassins Guild awards honorary membership to someone whose contributions to the guild and the school deserves special recognition. This year, the students bring forth an unusual candidate.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,351
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    34
    Kudos:
    451
    Bookmarks:
    71
    Hits:
    2,217
  7. 12

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    When a spell from a student at the Unseen University goes wrong and causes chaos in Ankh-Morpork, Commander Samuel Vimes is forced to confront his feelings for a certain tyrant...

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    16,194
    Chapters:
    6/6
    Comments:
    35
    Kudos:
    135
    Bookmarks:
    12
    Hits:
    1,005
  8. 14

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    It is early days of this thing called a ReLaTiOnShIp(?) between Downey and Vetinari--all very new, Vetinari would like to note that emotions are a bug and not feature. Downey is here to smoke a lot of cigarettes and be dramatic about things. However, the untimely murder of Downey's brother-in-law puts a bit of a wrench in things, made worse by the announcement that his (estranged) father may or may not be dying soon. All deeply inconvenient for everyone involved. There are parallels of past and present because families are a sticky business, always, and things that happened thirty years ago have a strange ability to cycle back through your life.

    [I have rewritten Thus, Always because I wanted to finish the story but had left it too long to pick it back up and start where I left off, so I just redid the whole thing. There are differences between the OG Thus, Always and this one. This one still works within the broader AU timeline of Murder Flat stories etc.]

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    144,614
    Chapters:
    44/44
    Comments:
    242
    Kudos:
    110
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    3,133
    • 05 Oct 2025

      Public Bookmark

      Bookmark Notes:

      Shakespearean Austen kind of high literature I like! It is delightful, very pleasant to read, right heated parts, leaving me in lots of emotions.

    • 24 Apr 2025

      Public Bookmark

    • 26 Mar 2025

      Public Bookmark

      Bookmark Notes:

      He excites himself for Spune, when he will be at the Guild, Jacob will be there, they’ll be brilliant and charming together. Everything will be lovely.

    • 01 Jul 2024

      Rec

    • 27 Apr 2024

      Public Bookmark

  9. 13

    Words:
    121,254
    Works:
    4
    Bookmarks:
    13
  10. 10

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    Lord Vetinari was about to succeed a long line of older men out of touch with the population, and often with reality. He promised stability, and would endeavor to keep the roiling chaos of the city down to a low simmer. And it was a daunting task, but one he knew he could succeed at.

    The problem was the nobles. The guild leaders. The foreign dignitaries. The visiting heroes. The higher-ups of the Disc who would see a very young man – practically still a child, they would say – and decide to make it their personal mission to make Havelock Vetinari’s every moment in the Oblong Office ten times more difficult than it needed to be.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    13,907
    Chapters:
    5/5
    Comments:
    23
    Kudos:
    60
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    578
  11. 17

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    Every year, the Assassins’ Guild School holds an info-session for the undergraduates about career opportunities. It’s generally understood that with each graduating class, there are more trained Assassins in the city than the city needs, or indeed, wants. And even for the talented graduate who does find a steady stream of commissions, it’s exceedingly rare to get commissioned more than once per year.

    Featuring: Six graduates of the Assassins' Guild School who are employed outside of their field, and Lord Vetinari.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    897
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    31
    Kudos:
    141
    Bookmarks:
    17
    Hits:
    785
  12. 36

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    Vetinari is 19 and trying desperately to have his first gay experience while on the Grand Sneer.

    Margolotta has recently stopped drinking blood and realized that luring maidens back to her castle had been an intricate ritual to touch the skin of other women the entire goddamn time.

    They are both geschwasted.
    He pukes on her shoes.
    This will be the start of a beautiful friendship.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,628
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    36
    Kudos:
    231
    Bookmarks:
    36
    Hits:
    1,113
    • 29 Sep 2025

      Rec

      Bookmark Notes:

      Somehow, this is very cute.

    • 22 Jun 2025

      Public Bookmark

    • 19 May 2025

      Public Bookmark

    • 06 Mar 2025

      Public Bookmark

      Bookmark Notes:

      “What do you eat?” asked Margolotta.

      Vetinari lay face-down diagonally on the bed. He had managed to get dressed in his cleaned clothes, but he wasn’t feeling particularly inclined towards verticality or eating.

      “Are you still feeling ‘not very good, unfortunately’?” she asked.

      “Please respect my dignity,” he mumbled into the covers. “I will master myself in two minutes.”

      “Oatmeal?” she asked. “Do you want oatmeal?”

    • 28 Feb 2025

      Public Bookmark

  13. 49

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    A great wit once said that a man wishing to rule over his fellows must first learn how not to be good. In the beginning, Vetinari thought this was the easy part.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,302
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    19
    Kudos:
    191
    Bookmarks:
    49
    Hits:
    1,860
  14. 10

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    One blustery morning, a short note arrives on Downey's desk that says: Patrician. Sektober 13. Soon after Vetinari receives an old newspaper clipping about the death of a colleague's father that occurred forty years ago. It doesn't take long for things to go a little wahoonie shaped with a dead girl in a tree, a two hundred year old mystery, and a creature stalking the streets of Ankh-Morpork.

    Of course, throughout all of this, Vetinari is fending off unsolicited advice from his aunt (buy a lint roller!) and begins to worry that he might be developing an approximation of something like maybe feelings, for a limited value of feelings, for one Master of the Assassins Guild.

    Naturally, nothing is every entirely straight forward and some families have old secrets.

    --
    Note: The title is an anagram.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    93,364
    Chapters:
    26/?
    Comments:
    230
    Kudos:
    69
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    1,879
  15. 31

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    Everyone dreams.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,875
    Chapters:
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    Comments:
    15
    Kudos:
    336
    Bookmarks:
    31
    Hits:
    3,033
  16. 62

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    Summary

    Loki decides to conquer a lower-tech world. The Disc reacts in its own inimitable fashion.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,277
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    25
    Kudos:
    467
    Bookmarks:
    62
    Hits:
    4,488
  17. *

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    “A woman,” Roberta Meserole had said once, lighting a long black cigarette with a silver lighter, “hides in plain sight. Visibility, Haveline, is our most important asset—”

    She looked up. Around. “Haveline,” she said, “that is not funny.”

    --

    or, how Ankh-Morpork acquired its first female Patrician very, very quietly.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,630
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    50
    Kudos:
    893
    Bookmarks:
    212
    Hits:
    6,715
  18. 15

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    The following are excerpts from the working memoir manuscript of Lord Downey, Master of the Assassins' Guild.

    The contents of this particular excerpt include the Incident of The Murder Flat [working title] and some musings on growing up during the height of the Quayside Killer.

    The Patrician would like it known that anyone who uses any of the names assigned to him in this work, not counting his birth name, could become very intimately acquainted with the Scorpion Pit.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,299
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    33
    Kudos:
    113
    Bookmarks:
    15
    Hits:
    1,403
  19. 11

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    Summary

    Over the winter holidays of his second year in the Assassins' Guild, Havelock Vetinari meets Leonard of Quirm and his family. He's never met anyone like Leonard, and while this is not the type of social connection his aunt is always urging him to make, it might be a very beneficial one.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    26,717
    Chapters:
    12/12
    Comments:
    72
    Kudos:
    64
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    751
  20. 16

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    Above the mask his eyes crinkled with what Roberta knew to be a grin. “Thank you for reminding me about the socks.”

    “A small touch, but vital nonetheless.”

    [There are many ways to be a man.]

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,700
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    24
    Kudos:
    79
    Bookmarks:
    16
    Hits:
    365

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