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"Good evening, everyone. Joining us in the booth tonight is former Centaurs captain Ilya Rozanov."
"And there's Shane Hollander with the puck," Ilya greeted warmly. "Talented and beautiful man with incredible thighs. Married, unfortunately for the rest of you."
The broadcast camera zoomed in on Shane's face.
"That's my husband," Ilya added, just in case anyone had forgotten.
The Ottawa Centaurs are playing Montreal in the most anticipated matchup of the season. Unfortunately for everyone involved, retired Centaurs legend Ilya Rozanov has been invited to guest commentate.
Featuring: biased commentary, Montreal slander, and aggressive husband hyping.
Series
- Part 5 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
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A reporter stepped forward. "Rozanov. Thoughts on Shane's new look?"
"The wolfcut is falling perfectly," Ilya explained. "Also, Shane had very good game tonight. But I could not appreciate properly because I was too busy thinking about how pretty he is."
On Twitter: Rozanov looking at Hollander’s wolfcut like it personally saved his life is my Roman Empire 🙏
When Shane grows his hair out into a wolf cut and starts tying it into a bun, Ilya becomes distracted on the ice, and very publicly on the internet.
Featuring: a viral hair tuck, a possessive tweet, and a team rule that exists solely because Ilya cannot behave.
Series
- Part 4 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
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The woman had her hair tucked under a knit hat, and her eyes were actually kind.
"You are cold," she said.
"I'm fine," Shane said. His teeth betrayed him with a chatter.
She unwound her scarf from her own neck and wrapped it around his.
Eight-year-old Shane goes to a hockey camp in Moscow, becomes a victim to language barrier, and gets rescued by a woman who gives him her scarf and tells him snow angels are real.
Eighteen years later, Ilya finds out his mother had already met the love of his life.
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“Rozanov, back up.”
“Backing up,” Ilya said evenly, “But if he touches my husband again I will explore violence.”
Shane exhaled, resigned. "You are sitting next to me for a reason.”
“Yes,” Ilya agreed. “Leash.”
@downbadinottawa
There are FOSSILS less down than Rozanov. He is WHIPPED and PROUD of it.@montrealdefender
we are getting destroyed by a guy who just publicly admitted his husband controls him. this is the worst timeline.When Ottawa faces Montreal again, Shane keeps it professional. Ilya absolutely does not.
Featuring: one infamous Hollanov Wikipedia page and a professional athlete with a marriage kink.
Translated into Chinese
Series
- Part 3 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
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“I’ve been conducting surveillance,” Hayden said, steamrolling ahead. “Based on all available evidence, I’m ninety percent sure Lily is either a Bratva princess or some kind of supernatural hybrid who is manipulating Shane emotionally and financially.”
Jackie looked back at the building. All the lights were off.
“And as his friends,” Hayden continued, “we have a duty to protect Shane from her clutches.”
Convinced Shane’s mysterious girlfriend “Lily” is everything from a vampire to a cult leader, Hayden embarks on a spiral of wildly incorrect theories.
He is just trying to protect his best friend. Unfortunately, Lily is actually Ilya Rozanov.
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Shane reached out without thinking, his fingers brushing against the rough fabric of Ilya’s jacket sleeve.
Ilya flinched away. “Dun’ touch me!”
Shane blinked, thrown. “What the - ”
“I already have boyfriend!” Ilya declared, pulling his jacket around himself like a shield. “Are practically engaged!”
Shane just stared. “Ilya. It’s me.”
“Only my boyfriend may unwrap me.” Ilya announced. “Is respect.”
Ilya gets drunk and refuses to be touched by anyone except his boyfriend. Unfortunately for Shane, Ilya does not realize his boyfriend is the one taking him home.
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The top tweet read: Rozanov did not win that game. Hollander won it from the bench with VIBES and a JERSEY two sizes too big.
The side-by-side said it all: Ilya looking derailed by Shane casually adjusting his sleeve.
Another chimed in: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MARRY YOUR CAPTAIN.
Ilya gets distracted mid-match because his husband wears his jersey.
Harris makes a PR decision. The internet makes it worse.
Featuring: one cursed jersey bet, one tired PR manager, and a fanbase that has decided Shane Hollander controls his husband with eye contact alone.
Series
- Part 2 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
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“Shoko told me you weren’t feeling well,” Utahime said, walking closer. “And since she and Geto are out, she asked me to stop by and make sure you hadn’t done anything idiotic.”
Without a word, she reached out and pressed the cool back of her hand against his forehead.
This feels incredible, Gojo thought. Don’t you dare react. Don’t you dare -
Utahime pulled her hand back as if she’d been shocked. “You are warm,” she stated. “See? This is exactly why you’re staying put in this bed.”
Gojo gets a cold and decides that being pampered by an exasperated Utahime is a fate better than being the strongest.
Series
- Part 2 of Knight to Remember
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“Shane?” Hayden’s voice filtered through the door. “You alive in there?”
Shane grabbed Ilya by the wrist. “We have to hide you.”
Ilya laughed. “Hide me? Where?”
Shane’s eyes darted around his apartment. That left… the closet.
“No,” Ilya said, reading Shane’s desperate gaze. “I am athlete. Have standards.”
Ilya’s protest was cut off as he stumbled backward into a dark jungle of coats and boots. Shane shut the door.
In which Hayden shows up early to talk game strategy, Shane lies about owning a cat, and Ilya refuses to commit to the bit.
Things only go downhill from there.
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“Seven interlocking links,” Shane said.
“And where?” Ilya spun his stool closer.
Shane hesitated. “Ribcage. On the side. Left.”
Ilya reached for a clipboard, scribbling something quick. “You know that means you’ll need to take your shirt off.”
Shane gets his first tattoo for meticulously thought-out reasons and leaves the shop with what is almost certainly a date with the dangerously attractive Russian tattoo artist.
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Leaning over Shane was a man. He had dark hair and was annoyingly handsome, the sort who looked like he’d never struggled with a grammatical case in his life.
Shane laughed. Ilya turned his head.
That was his husband. His Shane. His beautifully focused Shane, with the scattered freckles and the adorable way he leaned into a problem. And he was gifting that hard-won laugh to a stranger.
Ilya is happy Shane is learning Russian. He just wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to watch someone else teach him, correct him, and make him laugh.
Ilya reacts normally. Which is to say: not at all.
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Ilya turned slightly toward the reporter. “Shane won’t say this, but it’s true. When your captain is calm, you don’t panic. You just… follow him.”
The reporter blinked. “You’re talking about Shane’s leadership?”
Ilya’s smile was devastating. “I am talking about my husband.”
The room sucked in a collective breath. Husband. Said as if they were discussing muffin recipes.
On the internet: Breaking: Shane Hollander maintains perfect composure while his teammate professes eternal devotion live on air.
Shane agrees to one post-game interview with Ilya. Ilya is determined to make sure everyone knows how brilliant, beautiful, and perfect his husband is.
Translated into Chinese
Series
- Part 1 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
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Summary
“Okay,” Shane said. “Let’s just keep it friendly, yeah?”
Ilya gifted him a smile. “For you, always fun.” Then he added, “Also, Pike, you play this very badly. Like hockey.”
Hayden launched himself to his feet. “Oh, I’m sorry, is this coming from the guy who flops like a dying fish every time someone skates near him?”
Shane has a problem: his boyfriend and his best friend hate each other. His solution is forced bonding through board games, charity work, cooking classes, movie nights, and a double date.
Or: Five times Shane tried to make Ilya and Hayden bond, and one time they accidentally did.
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Ilya just looked him up and down slowly. “You do realize you’re wearing my coat right now, yes?”
Shane glanced down at the sleeves covering his knuckles. “Oh. Huh. Must have grabbed it by mistake. We have similar… builds.”
Shane does not steal. Unfortunately, Ilya keeps leaving jackets behind, and Shane keeps reaching for clothes that aren’t his - clothes that smell like smoke and safety.
This is not a problem. It’s just a reasonable coping mechanism for bad games, and it definitely isn’t intimacy. Right?
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"I am flirting with you," Ilya said. "I have been flirting with you for literal months. Intentionally."
Shane stared at him.
"I like you," he said. "Romantically. I have for a long time - "
"Wait," Shane interrupted. "You were being serious?"
Ilya has a plan. It involves flirting, proximity, dates-that-aren’t-dates, strategic jealousy, and an unreasonable amount of patience.
Shane does not notice any of it.
Or: Five times Shane completely misses the signs of seduction, and the one-time Ilya stops being subtle.
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The first thing Ilya’s brain processed was the text in the search bar.
normal amount of touching while watching a movie
how to initiate intimacy without being awkward
is asking “is this okay” too much
Shane accidentally leaves his laptop open. Ilya discovers an extensive Google search history on how to be a good boyfriend.
Ilya conducts a very thorough performance review.
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Shane delivered the Russian greeting flawlessly. “Zhenit'sya.”
The music from a nearby speaker suddenly felt obnoxiously loud in the abrupt silence that followed.
“Hollander,” Tanner said slowly, “did you just… propose to Rozanov?”
Shane decides to learn Russian for completely normal reasons, such as pride, spite, and being deeply in love with his boyfriend. Ilya agrees to teach him as a joke.
This goes about as well as you’d expect.
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The puppy sniffed the hard plastic toe of Shane's skate, and then sat down squarely on his foot, as if claiming territory.
“If we leave the dog,” Ilya said, “you will think about it all night. You will play like shit tomorrow. And then I will have to listen to you be sad about that for a week.”
A defeated sound escaped Shane. “…Damn it.”
After a secluded practice session, Shane and Ilya find a cold golden retriever in the middle of a snowstorm - and a sudden power outage. Shane does not spiral (he does). Ilya absolutely does not get jealous of a puppy (he does).
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“People will assume things.”
Shane tilted his head. “Ilya. They already are.”
Blazing at the very top: #HotRivals. The title read: A Comprehensive Timeline of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov (You’re Welcome)
Shane 'accidentally' soft launches his secret relationship with Ilya. Several coffee cups, a jacket incident, and one extremely obvious rivalry later, fans come to a conclusion: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov are not straight and not fooling anyone.
Five times fans almost figure it out, and one time they do.
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Fortune Favors the Brave by AutumnFoxed
Fandoms: 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Manga), 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Anime)
27 Dec 2025
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The matriarch leaned forward. “My dear child, do you truly believe I opposed Satoru's past entanglements because I thought no one else was worthy of him?”
Utahime swallowed. “Yes…?”
“I opposed his previous… situations,” his mother stated, “because I believed, quite firmly, that he was not fit to be anyone’s husband.”
Utahime never expected dating Gojo Satoru to involve surviving a meeting with his terrifyingly elegant mother. What she really didn’t expect was that Gojo’s mom would take one look at her, adopt her on the spot, and bully her own son out of pure principle.