LonelyShmoopie



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  1. Rec *

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    The first time it happens, Ed doesn’t say anything. It’s a normal day. Boring. Maybe he has a hangover, maybe it’s time to stop getting black-out drunk the night before work. But it’s been a while since he’s gotten into trouble for it. He doesn’t have as much to be angry about these days, not anymore. Depressed? Possibly. Feeling like he’s wasted his life? Oh, absolutely, that’s just a fact. He’s 45 years old and working in a dingy, dusty strip mall, living vicariously (at the moment) through a man in a $3000 bespoke suit taking a sledgehammer to a microwave.

    PROMPT:
    "modern au where Ed is the owner of the rage room and one day Stede comes in after a very stressful day at work, pays 40 minutes for the room, breaks things for 20 minutes and then cries for another 20 minutes" @EDWARDSSTEACH on Twitter

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    58,287
    Chapters:
    30/30
    Collections:
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    Comments:
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    14 Mar 2023

  2. Rec *

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    “I’m not going to beg you,” he said. “You either want me or you don’t. I love you, but I will not bend over backwards to keep you. Do you understand?”

    5 times Edward Teach kept to his word, and 1 time he didn’t.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,170
    Chapters:
    1/1
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    5
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    19 Feb 2023

  3. Rec 49

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    Ed doesn’t speak until they’re on board. He means to be menacing, to demand that they explain Stede’s whereabouts, but he thinks that if he opens his mouth he’ll vomit across the entire deck.

    “Captain,” Ivan says, and his voice sounds tight and strangled, “we have bad news.”

    or: our flag means death with a the song of achilles spin.

    Language:
    English
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    5,935
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    1/1
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    237
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    49
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    25 Dec 2022

  4. Rec *

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    “Why do you wear that collar?” the witcher asks.

    Jaskier startles. He’s been fiddling with it, he realises, a nervous habit. He didn’t think the witcher had noticed, even though those golden eyes seem to spot most things.

    “It’s so people know what I am,” he says.

    “And what are you?” the witcher says. His tone has turned surprisingly gentle. Perhaps he can hear the misery in Jaskier’s voice.

    “Bound in service,” Jaskier explains. He tries on a smile. “It might not look like it, but I’m as much of a prisoner as you are.”

    Jaskier didn’t exactly plan to escape from his master alongside a terrifying witcher. But it might turn out to be one of his better decisions.

    [Inspired by The Accidental Warlord and His Pack by Inexplicifics.]

    Language:
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    22,516
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    3/3
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    22 Nov 2022

  5. Rec *

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    “Seriously, brother,” Teodora says, “you’re wanted for treason, what in Melitele’s name did you do?”

    “Nothing,” Jaskier tells her. “It’s just that my soulmate’s the warlord of the north.”

    She stares at him, open-mouthed. And then she begins to giggle. “Only you, Julek,” she says when she finally has some control back. “You did always like to be dramatic.”

    The four lives of Julian Alfred Pankratz: noble, sex slave, soulmate, bard.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    43,184
    Chapters:
    4/4
    Comments:
    636
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    22 Nov 2022