TypingEyesClosed
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You really don’t want to fight Messmer, especially not today but as the Elden Lord, you’ll do whatever it takes. Only, nothing goes as planned.
Or, in other words, Messmer realises midway through the fight something that you don’t: you’re pregnant.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 136,732
- Chapters:
- 30/?
- Comments:
- 1,833
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- 2,525
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- 370
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Bookmarked by TypingEyesClosed
24 Nov 2025
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Astarion’s coming to your tent every night with honeyed nothings on his tongue. Trouble is, you’re starting to smell hints of bullshit. The closer y’all get, the further apart you feel. And then there’s the fucking brainworm cult.
These two losers must cheat, stab, and flirt their way to the heart of a cult. And to…whatever it is between them.
Series
- Part 3 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 142,942
- Chapters:
- 77/?
- Comments:
- 2,416
- Kudos:
- 2,539
- Bookmarks:
- 254
- Hits:
- 87,947
Bookmarked by TypingEyesClosed
14 Nov 2025
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Summary
Turns out, it’s not heart disease that gets you. Not a car crash, the second coming, or even a plain old slip in the shower that removes you from this mortal coil.
It’s motherfucking aliens.
Your Uncle Randy would be so proud.
Or: two losers cheat, stab, and flirt their way to a win.
Series
- Part 1 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 157,727
- Chapters:
- 72/72
- Comments:
- 2,594
- Kudos:
- 3,981
- Bookmarks:
- 664
- Hits:
- 110,359
Bookmarked by TypingEyesClosed
13 Nov 2025
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Summary
When Quirrell abruptly quits his post as professor of Muggle Studies, teaching apprentice Hermione Granger volunteers to replace him. Unhappy with some of Dumbledore’s recent appointments, the board of governors volunteers Lucius Malfoy to assess Hermione’s teaching for a term in order to determine if she’s the right fit for the job. Neither of them is happy about it.
Or: a very petty pair make the students of Hogwarts look like mature adults. No Voldemort AU.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 293,060
- Chapters:
- 37/37
- Comments:
- 2,043
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- 3,269
- Bookmarks:
- 983
- Hits:
- 148,151
Bookmarked by TypingEyesClosed
09 Nov 2025
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Yesterday is Tomorrow (everything is connected) by IAM_Kneazle (twicethet), twicethet
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
30 Jan 2025
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James Potter went five years at Hogwarts without realizing Lily had a little sister. Hermione would have preferred it if he never realized she existed. Now she's stuck, in Potter's circle of awareness, and maintaining the timeline. Not like he makes it easy, or something.
Jan 2025: Oh look. An update. I'm posting again!
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 260,440
- Chapters:
- 28/30
- Collections:
- 68
- Comments:
- 4,449
- Kudos:
- 14,022
- Bookmarks:
- 5,576
- Hits:
- 548,972
Bookmarked by TypingEyesClosed
05 Nov 2025