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It’s 2008 and Draco Malfoy is a secret assassin. It's legitimate - he gets paid for it, and some higher ups in the Ministry (probably?) know he’s out there… killing people. He’s quite good, but that tracks with his dubious accounting of rights and wrongs and his penchant for self-preservation. During his downtime he does a great job of acting like a pureblood in penance... mostly by drinking and shagging his way into oblivion.
This double life helps to numb Draco to the constant feelings of shame and guilt from his formative years in which he was an utter cunt- but everything is upended when his team (assassins can have coworkers, alright?) dies in action and he does not. Suspended and forced to go to therapy, Draco is adrift.
When Hermione Granger re-enters the fray, their hateful relationship that was once fraught with swotty bickering (erm, and the occasional slur) is suddenly tense in a very different way.
How will these two come together? How often will Theo say something terribly charming? Do we hate Ron or is Ron just, meh? Oh, and what’s going on with that one murderous witch who’s out to kill them all (forgot to mention that part…)?
Find out all this and more in: A HARD ROW TO HOE!
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 250,249
- Chapters:
- 30/30
- Collections:
- 10
- Comments:
- 2,779
- Kudos:
- 6,039
- Bookmarks:
- 3,623
- Hits:
- 404,792
Bookmarked by Whithered
05 Jan 2025
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“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,350
- Kudos:
- 29,456
- Bookmarks:
- 11,687
- Hits:
- 1,747,049
Bookmarked by Whithered
27 May 2024
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When an underground power stirs in France and threatens the fragile post-war balance in England, Draco steps into a seat of power to which he is the heir by birthright, determined to protect his family. Intent on justice, Hermione volunteers for the role of his partner and adviser, neither of them aware of the ancient and twisted web of chaos they're about to walk into.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 214,617
- Chapters:
- 57/57
- Collections:
- 20
- Comments:
- 2,364
- Kudos:
- 4,708
- Bookmarks:
- 2,604
- Hits:
- 345,747
Bookmarked by Whithered
19 Feb 2024
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- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 313,288
- Chapters:
- 8/?
- Comments:
- 261
- Kudos:
- 4,703
- Bookmarks:
- 4,365
- Hits:
- 926,091
Bookmarked by Whithered
24 Sep 2023
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Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love by isthisselfcare
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
08 Apr 2022
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Hermione straddles the Muggle and Magical worlds as a medical researcher and Healer about to make a big discovery. Draco is an Auror assigned to protect her from forces unknown – to both of their displeasure.
Features hyper-competent, fiery Hermione and lazy, yet dangerous, Draco. Slow burn.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 199,548
- Chapters:
- 36/36
- Collections:
- 208
- Comments:
- 13,110
- Kudos:
- 95,635
- Bookmarks:
- 29,876
- Hits:
- 5,167,805
Bookmarked by Whithered
29 Aug 2023