crummywater
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Harry Potter was the Chosen One, and Neville Longbottom was the boy no one chose. Then Neville defied Voldemort, killed Nagini, and took down Greyback. Neville came out of the war different: You won’t get a rise out of him but you will get a reaction.
After a tumultuous trauma bond with Luna Lovegood and a failed engagement to Hannah Abbott, Neville has sworn off relationships—only to be paired with Pansy Parkinson under the Reconciliation Act. Neville’s running a nursery, guest lecturing in the Hogwarts Herbology Department, and hunting down Death Eaters with Seamus Finnigan, Alicia Spinnet, George Weasley, and the mercenaries Bill Weasley befriended while raiding tombs for Gringotts. He doesn’t need a Slytherin wife whose best mates are Draco Malfoy and Theodore Nott. Or does he? When he and Pansy prove extremely sexually compatible, Neville must confront his own questions about love, trust, and vulnerability—just as the revival of blood supremacy and a renewed veneration of Bellatrix have strange new bedfellows seeking him out.
Featuring sex, violence, and poisonous plants, DIRTY, FLIRTY, AND VINDICTIVE takes place during BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC with flashbacks to Neville’s life between 1998 and 2003.
Series
- Part 2 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 172,892
- Chapters:
- 26/26
- Comments:
- 5,714
- Kudos:
- 3,851
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- 1,231
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- 179,701
Bookmarked by crummywater
06 Apr 2026
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“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,466
- Kudos:
- 30,839
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- 12,238
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- 1,864,591
Bookmarked by crummywater
01 Apr 2026
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NOW COMPLETE!
Hermione was just trying to have a normal Tuesday: feed her overly dramatic cat, open a definitely-dangerous ancient armoire, ignore Cormac McLaggen until he wanders off to do whatever it is useless men do.Instead, she got: A surprise heist, four suspiciously well-coordinated intruders in designer cloaks, one ancient book radiating “murder me” vibes and a front-row seat to what can only be described as a magical boyband breakup under extreme stress.
Inside the warehouse: Chaos, spells, and a near-bludgeoning featuring one decorative bust. Outside the warehouse: Harry Potter with 36 Aurors, a plan held together with sellotape and rage, and Ron Weasley seconds from committing murder on live Prophet coverage.
It’s like Ocean’s Eleven had a baby with Die Hard and gave it a wand, a trauma bond, and a lot of feelings no one is emotionally equipped to handle. The intruders say they want the cursed object. Hermione suspects what they really need is group therapy, juice boxes, and a very long nap.
The Vault is: 50% tension 30% sarcasm 20% bad decisions and 100% one Gryffindor witch with a coin-based panic button saving her own damn life while the wizards argue about tactical logistics.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 226,688
- Chapters:
- 52/52
- Comments:
- 1,370
- Kudos:
- 1,168
- Bookmarks:
- 759
- Hits:
- 73,496
Bookmarked by crummywater
27 Feb 2026
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Hail Mary Counter @hailmarytracker · 12 hrs
Days since last contact with Hail Mary: 9,716
🗨 1 ⇄ 2 ♡ 5It's been nearly 27 years since the Hail Mary departed. When the ISS detects a signal in the far off solar system, hope begins to grow, even as mysteries start to unravel and the universe becomes a little smaller.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 149,321
- Chapters:
- 25/31
- Collections:
- 8
- Comments:
- 3,864
- Kudos:
- 12,061
- Bookmarks:
- 4,110
- Hits:
- 291,200
Bookmarked by crummywater
18 Feb 2026
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Summary
“Beacon County Sheriff's Department, this is deputy Mahealani speaking.”“Oh thank god!”
“Stiles?”
“I, uh, I need some advice.”
“Advice?”
“Yeah. So, hypothetically, say you met your boyfriend’s mother and sister for the first time ever. Completely by accident. In the grocery store. And they convinced you to help them make a dinner to surprise aforementioned boyfriend when he got home after work. What would you do?”
Danny paused, and then, “Stiles, you don’t have a boyfriend.”
“That’s not the point! And I said hypothetically.”
“Stiles...what are you doing right now?”
***
Stiles never imagined he’d be in Derek’s kitchen cooking a surprise dinner with Derek’s family while they waited for Derek to get home from work.
Partly because their visit was a complete surprise.
But mostly because Stiles didn’t have a boyfriend.
Or even know who Derek was.
But he’d already come this far and Papa didn’t raise no quitter!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 14,430
- Chapters:
- 4/4
- Collections:
- 27
- Comments:
- 1,058
- Kudos:
- 26,816
- Bookmarks:
- 6,320
- Hits:
- 243,046
Bookmarked by crummywater
09 Feb 2026