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Summary
Dean takes a really, really long drive to kick fear in the ass. It might just be the best thing he ever decides to do.
~~~
The seat squeaks, and Dean follows the sound, his gaze trailing down. There—where Jack sat moments ago—is a much tinier version of him. He looks mostly the same, just...smaller and more dimply and cuter, if that's possible. His clothes have shrunk to fit him, so he's casually sitting in a t-shirt, jeans, and scuffed tennis shoes. He swings his feet from side-to-side over the edge of Baby's seat the same way Sam used to in the back, and he stares up at Dean with clear eyes.
"Oh," Dean blurts out, eyes bulging, "Cas is going to fucking kill me."
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Summary
He doesn't know who to blame anymore, who's at fault at the root of everything. It's Dad. It's Mom. It's Mary, and it's John. It's Dean, at the end of the day. What do the roots matter when the tree is on fire?
"I don't want to be the Dean you wanted me to be," Dean tells her quietly.
Mary swallows. "Don't worry, you're not."
"What's he like? That Dean."
"Just like you."
"Then what's the difference?"
"He never lost his mom."
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gorging myself on you, still can't get full (insatiable) by sobsicles
Fandoms: Supernatural
26 Jun 2021
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Summary
"Fine, whatever. Love you too, asshole. I hope you enjoy your walk home with your stupid, grainy bread. Taking Nature's Own a little too much to heart, but sure," Dean tells him, flashing him a sarcastic smile and swiveling around in the aisle to march away. He throws out something over his shoulder, careless and barbed. "I'm not paying for that shitty cardboard."
Dean's three aisles over when he realizes what, precisely, he said. Thankfully, when he comes to this conclusion, he's holding a box of poptarts, so when he fumbles and drops them to the floor, it's not a huge mess. He stares down at the slightly dented box of Brown Sugar Poptarts, and he has a very swift and very unshakeable crisis right there and then.
Love you too, asshole.
No, no, no. Why would he say that? Why would he do that? In the middle of the goddamn grocery store while arguing about bread? That's not—that can't be how it happens. That can't be.
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Summary
Claire isn't stupid. Show a girl your scars, doesn't make her yours.
There was a stained glass in the church her parents took her to when she was small, depicting a pretty woman with wings. An angel, her mother had said. I want to marry her, Claire had replied. They prayed for her that day, the whole damn congregation.
~~~
"Why'd you follow me?" Kaia asks.
"Why'd you jump in front of a spear for me?" Claire retorts, then immediately regrets it when Kaia curls in further around herself, like she's protecting her abdomen. It's a scar Claire hasn't seen.
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Summary
The walls bleed black again, and Castiel is deposited back into the room he was snatched from in a far more undignified manner than he left it.
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His face is hot when he pulls the beer away from his mouth, a rising sense of panic fluttering in his chest. He has thought these things, known them, of course, but it feels so different now because Dean will know. He is going to look at Castiel and know exactly how he feels, what he thinks. That is...distressing.
Perhaps Dean will avoid it. He is very good at doing those things. When faced with something he simply doesn't want to acknowledge, that's his first method of handling the situation, and Castiel is sure that it will go this way again. He is banking on it, in fact.
It will be fine. He has Jack. Sam will be here, a welcome presence and a perfect buffer.
It's all going to be fine.
Series
- Part 2 of Cursed Metaphors
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Summary
Brittle and battle-worn, Cas looks at him over coffee one morning and says, "I need to go," and Dean instantly knows that he's not coming back.
He's not really sure how he knows it, but he does. It settles into the pit of his stomach, curling hot and tight like something he instinctively wants to tear out with his bare hands. He takes a breath, and it gets stuck in his throat, hitching there. It hurts, hurts, hurts when he finally exhales.
"Yeah," Dean says, "of course you do," and he nods jerkily as he looks down at his phone. He doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't look up from the screen when Cas gets up and leaves the room. He doesn't finish his coffee, or move for a long time.
By nightfall, Cas is gone.
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Summary
Dean starts falling in love with him on a slow Sunday morning under slanted sunlight that slips through the gaps in the trees.
~~~
"When did it stick for you? When did your six hundred Sundays start?" Dean asks.
"It never started," Castiel admits. "It simply never stopped. My love for you is eternal—existing forever, without a beginning or an end."
Visually, Castiel's love is a circle. Aurally, it's an echo. Kinesthetically, it's breathing. Overall, it is not fate, and it is not chance; it is choice. He would not choose differently if he could go back and do it again, and that's why he didn't choose differently from the start.
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i want to do with you (what spring does with cherry trees) by sobsicles
Fandoms: Supernatural
29 Apr 2021
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Summary
Dean keeps going back.
When he arrives, it's always to blooming flowers and a windmill in the background, not too far from a brook, the sun painting the plains.
He likes it there. He likes to stand in front of the makeshift urn and check that it's still where he put it, switching out the flowers when they wilt. He likes to listen to the sound of birds chirping, insects singing, the faint sound of water trickling in the distance. He likes to turn his face up and feel the sun on his skin, wondering if Cas would do the same if he were here, somehow knowing that he would.
He likes to talk.
There's never a response, but Dean feels the breeze rustle through his hair and watches the flowers bob when bees come to them and stares as the windmill keeps turning, turning, turning. And he imagines that Cas is replying—the windmill is the tilted head, the bobbing flowers are a gentle smile, the breeze is whatever words Dean wants to hear at the time.
Sometimes, it's almost like he's there.
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dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination) by sobsicles
Fandoms: Supernatural
16 Apr 2021
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Summary
Freedom is just one adjustment after the next.
~~~
Cas hums again. "I think you already have. It's been months since everything settled. All that's left to do is...get used to it, and perhaps—" His voice stalls out, uncharacteristically, and his gaze roams Dean's face with intensity. When he speaks next, his tone is a little raw. "Perhaps what one does with peace is...whatever they want."
"What if I don't even know what that is?" Dean grumbles, arching an eyebrow in challenge. "'Cause I know damn well you don't just mean good food and a good bed and time in Baby, not simple wants like that. You mean—ya know, the big things, the wants we didn't get to have before."
"Yes," Cas agrees. "If you're not sure, figure it out."
"Easier said than done."
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Summary
The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.
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Dean is silent for a long, tense moment, then he gruffly says, "It's not for banishing the angels. It's to summon them. So, it doesn't—it's not to get rid of 'em, but to draw 'em in."
Mitzi can't help but glance up at him at that. His voice is so heavy with so much unexplained pain, and she doesn't understand why, or what angels have to do with it. She knows religion can impact people. She's very aware that it can get complicated, and that it can be a huge source of pain for someone, but Dean sounds grievously wronged, somehow, as if it's a truly personal thing.
She pushes through, focusing back on her job, clearing her throat before murmuring, "Well, I guess we all want angels to visit us sometimes."
"Just the one," Dean mumbles.
"Your guardian angel?" Mitzi asks.
Dean breathes out, "Something like that. As close to one as an angel will ever get."
Series
- Part 1 of Decorations and Dedication
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Summary
The first time Dean and Cas kiss, it's not really even a kiss at all. It is not, however, the last kiss that they share.
~~~
Dean doesn't think about it. Not about what it means, not about what it makes them, not about how it affects him. This life—that's not how things work. It's just this, these "in the moment" moments that always slip right out of his fingers because he lets them. He doesn't try to hold onto them, and neither does Cas, and maybe they shouldn't.
Cas kisses him like no one else does, like no one else ever has. Dean absolutely does not think about it unless it's happening to him, and then he doesn't have the ability to think at all. What does it say about him that he occasionally kisses his best friend, who's a man? Dean doesn't know, and he doesn't really want to find out, either.
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Summary
Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.
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For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.
God, he's so fucking stupid.
Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.
"Three years ago," Cas prompts.
Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."
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Summary
Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.
~~~
"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"
Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.
Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.
"What?" Dean grits out.
"I love you, too."
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Summary
So, the first thing that happens is Castiel comes back.
~~~
"Right," Dean says eventually, gruffly. He looks down at his shoes. "I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life, man. It's—you know, yours. Do your thing, love who you love, whatever. I can't really stop you from loving me, if that's what you've decided to do, but I don't—I can't—"
"I know," Castiel murmurs, still just smiling a little, not looking heartbroken at all. "Don't worry about it, Dean, that's all I ask."
"So we're—" Dean risks a glance up, swallowing thickly. "We're good?"
Castiel hums. "We're good."
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Summary
It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.
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"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"
"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."
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Summary
Cas comes back. It's not exactly the reunion that Dean is expecting.
~~~
Dean stares at him, flummoxed. Cas quite literally poured his heart out to Dean, gave a truly sappy and distressingly romantic speech and everything, then proceeded to give his life so that Dean could live his. And he wants to act like he doesn't want to see Dean, be around him, touch him?
Actually, Dean's ninety-nine percent sure that Cas probably wants to fuck him, and while he has no clue how he feels about that, he's pretty goddamn sure that means Cas doesn't get to act like this and make it authentic.
It feels strangely real, though, as if Cas wants nothing more than to get as far away from him as possible. This is a blatant contradiction. Even someone as weird as Cas doesn't want to get away from the person they have the desire to fuck five ways to Sunday, that they're in love with. That's not how these things work, so Dean isn't buying it.
Series
- Part 1 of Cursed Metaphors
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Draco Malfoy and the Path to Paradise by sobsicles
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
27 Jan 2021
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Summary
Draco has been trapped in life so long that freedom always feels just out of reach. With the help of Harry and so many others, he learns how to get a grasp on it and never let it go.
Featuring the pride of Slytherins, the complexities of Fathers, the weight of a name, and loving the biggest idiot in the world.
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Or, the one where Draco's life hasn't gone as planned for anyone, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. After all, life is full of surprises.
Series
- Part 2 of Absence of Simplicity
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Harry Potter and the Welcome to the World of Grey by sobsicles
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
17 Dec 2020
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Summary
When Harry fails to keep his anger at bay and Voldemort possesses his mind, the events that follow lead him down a long road to realizing the world isn't as black and white as it seems.
Chaos, hilarity, and tragedy ensue with a Dark Lord being honest all the time, a rival becoming something else, and a world demanding to be saved. Featuring frightened Death Eaters, deep conversations with a monster, Pureblood traditions being ridiculous, and the fight to do the right thing with no true options.
Harry's life just gets more and more bizarre with each passing moment.
~~~
Or, the one where Harry's life gets split in half, and he has to figure out how to bring it back together.
Series
- Part 1 of Absence of Simplicity
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Summary
Dean and Castiel have some unfinished business. Heaven is as good enough of a place to settle it as any.
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Summary
“Without you,” Clarke murmurs when Bellamy pulls away slightly to press their foreheads together, “I would have started a war.”
“I know. And do you know what I would have done when I walked into it?”
"What?”
“I would have helped you fight it,” Bellamy whispers. “But that's another life. In this one, we don't fight. We keep being us, and we do better. Someone wise told me that, and she was right.”
“If only she could take her own advice,” Clarke says, swallowing thickly.
Bellamy smiles at her. “She's got me for that.”
~~~
Or, the one where those from Space find the ground, those from the Bunker find their freedom, and those in between find their purpose. They all have to come together and do better in a world where it's so easy to do the opposite. Through peace or war, no one will come out on the other side the same.
Series
- Part 2 of Doing Better