Chapter Text
Blue was in the middle of a shift at Nino’s when she saw her four Raven Boys walking in. They hadn’t seen her yet as she wiped down a table in the front window so she took an unguarded moment to watch them all.
Adam lead the way through the door, saying something over his shoulder to Ronan with a grin. Blue noticed how he carried himself differently lately. His spine was a little straighter, his chin was lifted a bit higher. She guessed it had a lot to do with his blossoming relationship with the tattooed boy behind him. Blue felt a surge of joy that this boy she so adored was starting to heal. It was even better that it was the hidden parts of Ronan that were bringing it about.
Ronan followed closely behind, his sharp grin partly hidden by his hand. But there was no way to conceal the devotion in his gaze as he responded to whatever Adam had said. The angry, volatile side of him was still the first thing about him most people saw. But it wasn’t the biggest part of him anymore. Maybe it never had been. Maybe she was just able to see more of him now.
Noah was next. Unlike Ronan, Noah had been easy to love from the start. But he was paler and hazier than ever and she wondered how many of the patrons actually could see him. She was starting to worry about him.
Gansey took up the rear, predictably holding the door open for his friends. The look on his face was typical Gansey. Searching, always searching. But, when his eyes found hers he smiled in a way that only she ever got to see. He’d been searching for her.
After the four of them had made their way to their usual booth, Blue took their orders and timed her break so that she could sit with them when their food came out. When she approached the table with two large, greasy pizzas in hand, she couldn’t help but notice that they stopped their conversation rather abruptly. She slid the trays onto the table and looked from one sheepish face to the next. When she finally settled her eyes on Noah he shrugged his shoulders guiltily. “We were just talking about your curse,” he mumbled.
Blue slid into the booth next to Gansey and straightened the utensils on the table in front of her. “What about it?” she asked, trying to sound casual.
Adam, sitting across the booth next to Ronan chimed in. “Just how it might work. We were trying to piece together a logical explanation for it.”
“And what have you come up with?” she asked, noting that Gansey was staring fixedly at the edge of the table while everyone else helped themselves to slices.
“Ronan was just about to explain his theory.” Noah said. Ronan met her eyes but she couldn’t read his expression. Was it wary? Defiant? Sad? Perhaps it was a bit of all three.
When she didn’t back down from his gaze he dove in to his explanation. His tone was more cavalier then she would have expected but she guessed that was his way of covering whatever he was really feeling. “When Adam told me, I just assumed that it was because of your power to amplify things. Like, the guy is so fucking in love and turned on or whatever that when you kiss him….pffft….his brain fries.”
Blue focused on pouring herself some iced tea as if she were a neutral observer to the conversation.
“Why a kiss though?” Adam countered in his usual logical tone. “If that is the case wouldn’t it apply to all…sexual encounters?”
“Yeah…” continued Ronan. “But curses are like fairy tale things, right? I mean what fairy tale would say, ‘when you give some guy a hand job he’ll die’ or ‘dry humping will…”
“Okay, Ronan! Enough,” Gansey interrupted in an uncharacteristically agitated tone.
Adam continued, perhaps to deflect the sudden tension. “But if it was an amplification issue, however the curse is worded, wouldn’t that mean that all intimate acts are off limits?”
“Because, they’re not. Apparently.” Noah chimed in softly. It wasn’t nearly quiet enough as evidenced by the red faces and diverted eye contact of everyone at the table.
Ronan leaned way back in his seat and held his hands out in front of him as if to physically push the words away. “Gross.”
“Sorry,” Noah mumbled. “I actually always thought is was more about timing,” he added, mercifully changing the conversations trajectory.
“How do you mean?” asked Gansey, clearly relieved at the possibility of a new theory and finally taking a piece of pizza.
“Well, you guys know Moulin Rouge, right?” he paused, waiting for confirmation.
“The musical?” Ronan deadpanned.
“Yeah, the movie directed by Baz Luhrmann?” Noah chirped.
“The fucking musical?” Ronan insisted.
“Yeah the musical.” Noah was undeterred by Ronan’s usual snarky tone. “It’s one of my favorite movies. Have you guys seriously not seen it? Next movie night - we are totally watching it. Anyway, towards the end, Satine has to pretend not to love Christian because she knows the duke is going to kill him if he stays around. She has to push him away to save him. Maybe Blue’s curse is like that. If she kisses her true love he’ll stay with her and staying with her leads to his death.”
Blue wasn’t loving this conversation but she appreciated that no one was specifically using Gansey’s name. She suspected they all knew deep down, just like she did, that the curse was aimed at him, but it made it easier that they were speaking about it theoretically.
“So the kiss itself doesn’t kill him, it just sets him on a course that will ultimately cause his death?” Adam clarified. They all silently pondered that for a moment. “But, same argument as with Ronan’s amplification theory. Wouldn’t any intimacy create the same scenario?”
“No,” Noah insisted. “Because with a kiss you can tell if it’s real and not just lust. He’d be able to tell it’s true love and he’d stay.”
“I had no idea you were such a romantic sap,” Ronan scoffed. Noah smiled back at him unapologetically.
“What if he doesn’t need the kiss to know?” Gansey asked quietly, avoiding eye contact with everyone. “Christian knew in the movie, even when Satine pushed him away.”
“You have seen it!” Noah exclaimed delightedly.
“I can’t believe we’re comparing real life to a fucking musical.” Ronan mumbled.
“I can’t believe our real life involves an actual curse,” Adam countered. Blue appreciated that he included all five of them in that statement, but the subject was starting to grate.
Gansey rubbed his thumb over his bottom lip and continued to direct his gaze away from the group. His pizza was still nearly untouched on his plate. “What I’ve learned in my studies of these types of things is that they don’t have a logical explanation. It’s just a curse. It’s just magic. That’s all there is.”
“So it’s just kiss, boom, he’s d…” Ronan started.
“Stop!” Blue blurted out unexpectedly. “Can we just stop talking about this, please?”
All four of them looked at her as if they were scolded schoolchildren which only made her feel worse. She stood and tried to make her voice sound normal. “My break is about up. I should get back.”
“Jane,” Gansey said, taking her hand before she could bolt. “I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to upset you.”
She took a deep breath and tried to filter her emotions. Why was she upset? Who was to blame? “I know,” she reassured them all. “I haven’t talked about this with anyone in so long. It’s just always been a part of me that I’ve had to accept. I’m not frustrated with you all for talking about it. It just…. sucks.”
She squeezed Gansey’s hand then released it to retie her apron. “Anyway. Eat up. I’ll see you guys later.”
When she walked out of Nino’s at the end of her shift, a glimpse of obnoxiously bright orange paint caught her eye in the corner of the parking lot. She saw Gansey leaning against the side of the Pig there and strolled over to meet him. Her heart was beating harder than normal and she wondered if the sight of him would always do that to her. She hoped so.
“Hi there,” she smiled as she stopped in front of him, toe to toe.
“Hello.” He smiled back but she could see a furrow of concern on his brow. “I know you said your mom is picking you up tonight but I just wanted to check in after that rather callous conversation. Are you all right?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” It was mostly the truth. Thoughts of the curse felt like a lump of concrete in the pit of her stomach but that had been the case for a while. Tonight wasn’t much of an exception.
Gansey took her hand and tugged gently until she shuffled forward between his legs and leaned against him. He put his arms around her waist and rested his forehead on hers. “You’d tell me if you weren’t?”
“Of course,” she answered but that wasn’t really the truth. She hadn’t told him about St. Mark’s Eve and, like thoughts of the curse, that had been weighing on her more and more. If felt like it was crushing her sometimes. “Gansey?” she started and then paused.
“Blue?” he echoed softly.
Her heart skipped a beat as it always did when he said her real name. She lost her will to bring up the churchyard and smiled instead. “I like it when you say my name like that.”
“More than ‘Jane’?”
“I like ‘Jane’ when we’re with other people. I like the way you say ‘Blue’ when we’re alone.”
“Do you? Blue.” he smiled devilishly.
“It feels….,” she blushed. “It feels, when you say it, like I imagine a kiss would feel.”
Gansey's smile turned tender and he brought his hands up to cup her face. “It feels like that to me too. Blue.”
She sighed shakily and pressed her body even closer into his.
He traced a thumb down her neck, his lips just an inch from her ear. “Blue,” he murmured again.
She closed her eyes as he tilted her chin up and shivered when she felt his breath on her lips. “Blue.” His voice was a shaky whisper.
The sudden sound of a car door slamming startled them both out of their stupor. Blue quickly stepped away from Gansey and looked around. Her mom was standing against her car on the other side of the lot, her back to them. Blue guessed she’d already seen them and was deliberately not looking their way as there weren’t many other cars in the lot. Plus there wasn’t anything of interest to look at in the direction she was facing.
Blue turned back toward Gansey. “I should go. Can I call you later tonight?”
“Always,” he smiled. “Blue.”
She smiled back and then jogged over to her mom.
As Blue approached Maura turned and caught her eye over the roof of the car. She raised her eyebrows suggestively. Blue ignored her and slid into the passenger seat. Maura didn’t say anything until they’d pulled out of the lot.
“So,” she began. “Things between you two seem to be heating up.”
Blue loved her mom but wanted no part of this conversation. She looked out the window and used her best bored tone. “A bit. I guess.”
“You’re being careful?”
“Mom! Really?” She huffed indignantly. “We’re not sleeping together!”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Blue paused and tried to figure out what she was talking about. “Gansey knows about the curse.”
“Good. I assumed. But that’s not what I meant either.”
“Then please elaborate before I have to list all the things we aren’t doing.”
“Your heart, Blue. Are you being careful with your heart? April isn’t that far away and, well, I don’t want to see your heart get broken.”
Blue closed her eyes and rested her head back against the headrest. She didn’t really want to talk about this either but she knew when her mom wasn’t going to let a subject drop. Honesty was the only option. “No. I haven’t been careful that way.”
Maura sighed heavily. “I see.”
Blue stayed silent for several blocks. When they were almost home she finally spoke. “I think I should tell him. About the list. It doesn’t feel right for me to know it and not him.”
They pulled in front of the house and Maura killed the engine, tilting her head back like Blue’s. “Are you sure?”
“No. Not at all. What do you think?”
“I think I’d much prefer to be talking about safe sex right now. It would be so much easier than this.”
They both rolled their heads on the headrests to look at each other and Maura reached out to squeeze Blue’s hand. They gave each other sad smiles. Blue realized she wasn’t going to get more of an answer out of her mom. It was her decision to make. “Do you mind if I take the car for a bit? I think I’ll ask Adam to help me.”
“Sure honey.” Maura kissed her forehead and slipped out of the car. She paused to grab a bag of groceries out of the back while Blue climbed into the driver seat. “Oh and I bought you something.” She tossed a box of condoms on Blue’s lap.
Blue turned a shocked face up to her mom’s.
Maura looked down at her wryly. “You’re more sensible than any kid your age has a right to be. And Gansey is nothing if not a gentleman. I trust that if you ever need those it will be for the right reasons. I just wish protecting you from getting hurt was as easy as protecting you from getting pregnant.” With that she turned toward the house.
Blue was a bit stunned. She shook her head and pushed the conversation out of her head, turning her thoughts to the next difficult conversation she was planning. She thought of something just as Maura reached the door. “Hey mom? Can we do it here?”
“Excuse me?”
Her shocked expression confused Blue for a moment until she realized with a rush of embarrassment what she’d said. “Oh my god! Not… that. I meant tell Gansey about the list. Can we talk about it here? Maybe tomorrow?”
Maura let out a whoop of laughter. “Sure.” She continued laughing as she stepped into the house.
Blue drove through the quiet streets of Henrietta and parked in the St. Agnes Church parking lot. As she rounded the corner by the stairs to Adam’s apartment she stopped dead in her tracks at the sight that greeted her. Adam and Ronan were making out in the dim light at the base of the stairs. And wow, it was hot. The way Adam had him pinned roughly against the wall, his mouth on his neck. How wrecked Ronan looked with his eyes screwed shut, his mouth hanging open.
Before she had a chance to question her newly discovered voyeuristic tendency, Ronan met her eye over Adam’s shoulder. “Parrish,” he rasped.
“Yeah?” Adam answered breathily, continuing to kiss at his neck.
“Parrish! Stop. We’ve got company.”
The two boys pulled away from each other but she couldn’t help notice that neither of them turned to face her head on. She realized belatedly that they were trying to subtly shield the bulges in their pants from her view.
“Sorry! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just hoping to talk to Adam about something.”
Adam cleared his throat and almost met her eye. “What is it?”
“It’s, well.… I sort of need to talk to you alone. It can wait. I’ll…”
“It’s alright, Maggot. I was going to head back to Monmouth anyway.” Ronan interrupted. Then softly to Adam, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” Adam replied, pulling him in for a much more chaste kiss.
Once Ronan had pulled away in the BMW Adam lead Blue up the stairs to his apartment. They quickly determined it was too hot and stuffy inside even at that late hour so they settled down on the top step outside the door.
“What’s up?” Adam asked.
“I think I need to tell Gansey about the list.”
Adam nodded solemnly. “I’ve been thinking the same thing about Ronan. It doesn’t feel right to know it and not say anything. And it’s only getting worse now that we’re dating.”
“Exactly my thoughts. I’m glad you agree.” Blue sighed heavily.
“But…?”
“But I’m still scared,” she admitted.
“Yeah. Should we do it all together? Tell Gansey and Ronan at the same time?”
“I was thinking that. Maybe at my house so that if they have any questions my mom and Calla will be there to help answer them.”
“Good idea,” he said then paused. “It’s still going to suck though isn’t it?”
“God yes.”
“If it makes you feel any better I think there is a chance Gansey already knows. Or at least suspects.”
“Really?” Blue pondered that for a moment. It had never crossed her mind.
“Maybe. Have you noticed how he is very vague about plans for next year? How he gets really quiet whenever there’s talk about the future?”
“I hadn’t noticed but you’ve always been more perceptive that way.” She thought about it a bit more and tried to determine if that would make it any better. “Does Ronan suspect?”
“I don’t think so,” Adam answered sadly.
“Is this going to break him?”
“I hope not. It just started to feel like things were going right.”
“We can wait, if you’d rather,” Blue suggested.
“No. It would only make it worse in the long run.”
“So tomorrow? Are you free?”
“Yeah. Maybe the morning would be best to get it over with”
Blue nodded. That was settled but she didn’t feel like leaving just yet. “I never heard the story of how you and Ronan finally got together.”
“Well. It’s not much of a story. He got to me one day when I was tired and he was drunk.”
“You’re always tired,” Blue pointed out.
“True. But that day I was truly, bone deep tired. So tired that I didn’t have any room in my brain to second guess anything… to worry about where it would lead, what it would mean. To think about anything too much.”
“So you were basically drunk, too.”
“Yeah,” he chuffed. “Same effect, I guess. Anyway, he’d been staring at me for ages and basically spending every night here at St. Agnes and bringing me dream things and… I knew how he felt and I was thinking maybe I felt something similar. I don’t know. I got tired of waiting for him to make a move and so I kissed him.”
“And then?”
He smiled at the memory. “And then, it was amazing for about five minutes of sweet and gentle and then another few minutes of not so sweet and gentle.”
“Okay,” she interrupted. “I don’t need specifics.”
“Just kissing. Don’t worry.” Adam sighed. “Then he freaked out and he left.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. And then I finally slept and when I woke up I freaked out, too,” he admitted. “And then we didn’t speak for about a week, and I just worked and studied and worked some more and tried not to think about it.”
“Doesn’t seem like a good long term plan.”
“It wasn’t,” Adam agreed. “But I was angry because I was the one who finally had the guts to make a move and he was the one to leave.”
“So you were pouting.”
He gave her a wry smile. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
“And then?”
Adam exhaled a long sigh. “And then he showed up back here one night. Late. And he was sober and I was better rested. And we talked.”
“Ronan Lynch talked? About feelings and things?”
“I won’t say it was eloquent but, in the end, he said the things I needed to hear.”
“Like… that you are worthy of love?”
He looked at her sideways. “Yeah. Basically that, actually.”
Blue nodded and looked out across the parking lot. “Good for him. I didn’t know how to say it to you, back then. And you probably weren’t ready to hear it. And clearly it wasn’t meant to be me anyway. But it’s true. And I’m glad Ronan got you to see that.”
“Yeah. Ronan of all people. Who’d have thought?”
“I wouldn’t have guessed it a few months ago,” Blue conceded. “But, he’s exactly the right person to convince you of that. Ronan is… Ronan is a lot of things. Difficult being the first word that comes to mind.”
“Asshole in close second.”
Blue laughed. “Yes. But god he loves fiercely.” She heard Adam catch his breath. She pretended not to hear and continued. “You must’ve said what he needed to hear that night too?”
“I did. It was mostly that I really do like boys that way as much as girls and not just because of Cabeswater.”
“Ronan thought Cabeswater made you bisexual?” Blue deadpanned.
Adam laughed. “Okay, not in so many words. I think he was afraid I only wanted him because of my connection to Cabeswater. That it was influencing me because it loves him.”
“Do you think it could do that?”
“No. It can’t change how I feel. I mean we are connected but I know what is me and what is the forest.” Then, quietly, “And I love him. More than I thought possible. It scares me, sometimes, how much.”
Blue let the confession hang in the air for a long moment. “Have you told him?”
“No. Not in words. But I think he knows.”
Blue just nodded. The absurdity of that statement seemed obvious enough that she didn’t feel the need to point it out. “You know he loves you too, though, right?”
“Yeah. I think I do.”
“I bet he’s just as scared. Not that he’d ever let anyone see that.”
He smiled shyly at her. “He lets me.”