Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Arthur exiled Merlin a month ago. The moment is branded on his memory. Merlin frozen looking scared and guilty as he steps away from the creature he has just killed to save Arthur's life. Arthur feels like he's standing frozen in time and the rest of the world is flowing round him, like a raging river, and he’s stuck on an island. But the rest of the world doesn't matter, because Merlin is a sorcerer. Merlin has magic; Merlin has lied to him all these years. It feels like a physical blow to the stomach, to his heart. He knows what he should do. He should order Merlin arrested and then have him executed. But Merlin saved his life; he owes him for that. Merlin is still standing staring at him, maybe he’s spoken, Arthur hasn’t been paying attention.

"Leave Camelot now" he says, not raising his voice much.

"Please, Arthur, don't do this. I'm sorry, I..."

"If you don't leave now I will have you executed, don't think that I won't!" Merlin had looked shocked, but had turned and ran.

And now Merlin is kneeling, bound before his feet. Morgana is looking on triumphantly.

"I've had a lot of fun with your pet, Arthur. He's proved most useful." She turns arrogantly and walks away, followed by a whirlwind which Arthur doesn't bother to enter.

"Lock him in the dungeons" he says without looking at Merlin, and walks away.

---
Merlin is sat on a bench in a cell, without ceremony, without a word. He doesn't say anything, look at anyone, or try to communicate in any way. Leon wants to call Gaius even though he can't see any obvious injuries which would warrant calling Gaius for. He really wants to call Gaius, he knows this isn't right. Arthur is angry, but Merlin is Merlin. He wouldn't have said anything unless it was under torture. Even then he struggles to imagine it. So he does what he can. He watches over him.

For the next few hours he just sits and observes. At first Merlin does nothing, staring into space and shaking slightly. He doesn't address Leon, or even look in his direction. Then, when Leon is beginning to think he’ll never move, Merlin carefully lowers his legs from where he has been hugging his knees to rest them on the floor. Leon goes and puts a plate of bread and a glass of water just inside the cell and carries on watching. Merlin doesn't look up at the sound of the door opening and closing. Instead he put his hands down on the bench and starts feeling along it. He feels along both sides until he finds the ends, then feels along the stone wall. He follows this around until it meets the bars and then follows these around until he meets the door. He's nearly at the food but he hasn't looked at it. Leon has a sinking feeling he knows what's wrong, but he watches to confirm it. Merlin feels along until his arm bumps the plate. He recoils, freezes for a moment then tentatively puts his hand out until he locates the plate. Then he feels over the plate until he finds the piece of bread. Leon expects him to stuff it in his mouth, but he moves it around in his hand until he finds the soft part of the bread, and tears some out. The he carefully puts it in his mouth and starts chewing. But he's only chewing on one side. Leon walks carefully over to watch closer. Merlin concentrates on chewing the bread a lot, physically turning his head to chew on the other side. It is when Merlin throws his head back to swallow that Leon's worst fear is confirmed.

“Merlin?” has asks quietly. Merlin carries on chewing.

Leon closes his eyes in dread at the implication.

---
As he walks to Arthur’s chambers he can’t help but dread the king’s reaction. There two possible ways Arthur could take this. One is favourable, but both are terrible. Either Arthur will be devasted, heartbroken at Merlin’s inhumane treatment. Or worse, he could not care at all. He could spout venom about Merlin’s treachery, how he deserves this treatment. Order Leon back to his post and have him executed in the morning. Gwaine will be inconsolable. He hasn't had the heart to tell him the truth, but has left Merlin under Percival’s watch. He knocks on Arthur’s door and waits.

“Enter” he hears and slowly opens the door. Arthur is standing by the fire, leaning against it and staring at it. For a month his brow has been stern and furrowed. He won’t discuss this with anyone. It runs too deep. But Leon must now.

"Sire, I've come about Merlin." Arthur's eyes darken.

"I don't want to hear about him. I will hear enough of him tomorrow at his trial." says Arthur, turning away from the fireplace. He can’t even say Merlin’s name.

"With all due respect, Sire, you won't hear Merlin tomorrow." says Leon coolly. Arthur turns round abruptly, his face suddenly ablaze with rage.

"Are you telling me he has escaped?" he asks quietly.

"No, Sire. Sire, he has been tortured. And Morgana has cut out his tongue ." says Leon, bracing himself for what will come next. For a moment Arthur doesn't seem to move, but then there’s a flicker of his eyelids and a slight crinkle of his chin.

"What?" asks Arthur quietly.

"He can't see, or hear either, Sire" adds Leon, unable to keep it from Arthur.

"You're sure? Could it be an act?" asks Arthur, standing up straighter and trying to control the emotion showing on his face.

"He definitely doesn't have a tongue, Sire" says Leon, maybe a little sharply, because he needs Arthur to care about this. And Arthur does look pained at that, looking down.

"Will you see him?” he asks after a moment. Arthur doesn't say anything, but nods.

Chapter Text

When Arthur and Leon arrive Merlin has finished eating and has backed himself up against the metal bars of the cell. When Leon opens the door slowly Merlin visibly tenses.

"I thought you said he couldn’t see or hear” says Arthur turning to Leon.

“He can’t.” says Leon frowning. He looks down at Merlin and sees his hands wrapped around an iron bar. Arthur follows his gaze and swings the door shut. Merlin reacts as soon as he lets go of the door, tensing again and lowering his head. Arthur steps closer and kneels down.

"Look at me Merlin" he says without emotion. Merlin doesn't react, doesn't even pale or blink.

"I said, look at me" he says a little more emotionally. He grabs Merlin's chin, angling it up to look at him. This time the reaction is undeniable, Merlin thrashes about and fights back. Arthur backs away, but Merlin's still fighting thin air and he never looks right at Arthur. The noises he makes are strange, strangled.

“Merlin, be calm.” He says, trying to sound unemotional.

Merlin settles into an uncomfortable stillness against bars, not looking up. After a while he raises his hand but it's tentatively tracing the air near Arthur. It isn't an act, Merlin can't see, that much at least is clear. His lack of reaction suggests he can't hear either.

You did this. The thought pierces his heart so clearly he’s not sure he didn’t hear it, that Leon didn’t say it. He tries to ignore it, he'd never torture anyone. If he hadn't sent Merlin away he'd be in one piece. But Merlin is a powerful, terrible sorcerer. The words sound hollow when ascribed to the fearful creature currently cowering in his dungeon. Before he even realises what he is doing he is reaching out and touching Merlin's hand. Merlin reacts as before and Arthur backs away to lean against the wall behind him.

He needs to think straight; he needs to get through to Merlin that he's safe. He can't stand the idea of Merlin in the dark and the silence thinking he's alone. Merlin is hunched in on himself again, rocking slightly and drawing a continues circle with one finger in the dirt of the dungeon floor. As Arthur watches he has an idea. He grabs the hand that Merlin is drawing with and pulls it towards him. Merlin starts pushing and kicking like his life depends on it, yanking his arm away. Arthur, ends up pinning it under his arm and Merlin is making desperate inarticulate noises. Leon, standing like a stone looks like he wants to run to Merlin's aid, but Arthur has a plan. Merlin's hand is a fist, but on the back of his hand he starts writing an A over and over again with his finger. At first Merlin struggles, then stills. He's getting the message, well at least a message. Arthur lets go of his hand and turns to face him. Merlin is making small noises but isn't moving, well only shaking. Is Merlin afraid of him? He slowly places his hand on Merlin's arm. Merlin only flinches a little this time, but does start babbling trying to speak, shaking his head and crying. Arthur feels like Merlin's begging.

He gently takes Merlin's wrist so that he can guide Merlin's hand to his face. He's seen a blind child in the market reading a face like this. He doesn't know if it will work, he doesn't know if it'll help, but he tries anyway.
Merlin stills, his hand against Arthurs cheek, merely resting there. His face portrays he's thinking. Tentatively his hand begins to move, up towards his eyebrows and his hair line, brushing it slightly. The other hand comes up carefully and tests the other side, moving down along his nose and mouth. As he moves his actions become more confident, quicker. Then he's feeling down Arthur's neck and shoulder and arm until he can turn Arthur's palm up and write.

ARTHUR

YES replies Arthur on the palm of Merlin's hand.

Merlin's face breaks into a smile, tears run down his face and he throws himself round Arthur. Awkwardly, Arthur hugs him back with one arm. He feels guilty, responsible, irresponsible. He should hate Merlin and part of him does. But this is not a Merlin you can hate. He can no more punish this Merlin than drown a kitten. Part of him realises he never could. Merlin suddenly pulls back, looking around him probably out of habit. He follows Arthur's arm back down so that he can write on the palm again.

DANGER GO HOME PLEASE

Arthur suddenly feels sick. Merlin is looking impatient, moving to try and stand. Merlin doesn’t know where they are. He takes Merlin's palm in his hand and thinks. He could lie, but Merlin will realise. He'll know. So he writes.

WE IN CAMELOT

Merlin stops, frowns, then writes

WE IN DUNGEON?

YES

MORGANA PUT YOU IN DUNGEON? Merlin looks stressed at this, holding his palm out eagerly for an answer.

NO

For a moment Merlin's eyebrow furrows in thought, then it pales in understanding. His eyes glisten but he doesn't cry as he takes Arthur's palm and writes

WHEN EXECUTION?

Chapter Text

NO EXECUTION writes Arthur slowly. Merlin closes his eyes in what Arthur hopes is relief.

FORGIVEN? writes Merlin. Arthur's mind fights him again. All those years of betrayal, of Merlin's lies. The fact that he has magic, that magic is evil, that those who practise magic are evil. Deep rooted beliefss don't disappear in over night and he's still mentally debating when Merlin's lip quivers and he drops his head. Arthur sees it, Merlin hurting and even if it's partly Merlin's fault he can't stand it. He's partly responsible too.

YES he write on Merlin's palm.

NO replies Merlin, his head still hanging miserably. The he pulls his hand away and turns to lean against the bars, hugging his knees
Arthur thinks about grabbing his hand again, but traces on the back of the hand he can see.

DIDNT KNOW he falters, he doesn't want to say "that Morgana cut your tongue out and made you blind and deaf". Merlin seems far away, so unreachable. So he touches his finger to Merlin's ear, next to his eye, and Merlin's lips. It feels too close, to intimate. Merlin is crying again silently, but he's nodding slightly, he understands.

SORRY TAKE TO GAIUS writes Arthur

GAIUS MAKE BETTER he adds hopefully. If Merlin has magic, Gaius would know and in all likelihood has some of his own. Maybe he can set things right. Merlin shakes his head sadly and wraps himself up more.

SEE GAIUS repeats Arthur. Merlin doesn't respond.
SEE GAIUS PLEASE repeats Arthur.

Merlin turns slightly and nods even more slightly. Arthur holds Merlin's arm and pulls him out and away from under the bench and then to standing.

---

Gaius runs to see Merlin as he enters but Arthur raises his hand and Gaius stops, looking between Merlin and Arthur, seeking an explanation. Arthur traces

WAIT

on Merlin's arm, then steps forward.

"Morgana has... hurt Merlin. I didn't realise until... He... he can't see, or hear... and... and she's cut his tongue out. Gaius, please. Is there anything you can do?"

Gaius is watching Merlin sadly. He steps forward and falters slightly, taking one of Merlin's hands in both of his with some hesitation. Merlin turns and starts to feel the top of one of Gaius' hands with his other hand, sensing it's not Arthur. Arthur returns to his side, not sure how to proceed. Merlin traces on Gaius' hand but Gaius looks confused and Merlin looks unsure too. So Arthur takes Merlin's hand and traces

GAIUS on the palm. He turns to Gaius and says "We're speaking by writing on each other palms."

"I see, sire. Let's get Merlin inside and then I can see if anything can be done."

Gaius doesn't sound confident. Merlin is ushered in and fed, which is painful to watch for both Gaius and Arthur. As he does, Gaius quietly tells Arthur of possible treatments and ways to help Merlin. Arthur doesn't speak much, just listens. He doesn't speak to Merlin much either, he is clearly upset and isn't trying to talk to Arthur. He tells Merlin he is going to leave him. He doesn't say he'll be back, he's not sure that after earlier he'll be welcome.

A few moments after he's left Merlin writes, slowly on Gaius' palm

ARTHUR GONE?

Gaius takes a moment to concentrate on what Merlin wrote.

YES ARTHUR HAS GONE writes Gaius slowly.

BED PLEASE

OKAY, TOMORROW THERE IS A SPELL THAT I WOULD LIKE TO TRY, THAT MIGHT HELP. Gaius' speech is full and is in proper sentences including fullstops and commas. Merlin smiles slightly at this but it soon fades. Gaius guides Merlin up the stairs to his room and to bed, including dressing him. It's a slow and difficult process. Gaius is not as young as he once was and is awkward about dressing Merlin. He discovers a couple of whip marks on Merlin's back which look red. But they're old enough to have reduced down enough to heal alone now. He wishes Merlin a good night and navigates his way carefully back downstairs to study any books and spells which might prove useful.

Merlin finds himself in his own bed, which is comforting. It's the only positive thought he can find as he lies there. His world is dark and silent now and he hates it. For a moment, just a moment he'd at least had Arthur back. He was cold and alone and then Arthur was there. Arthur was there to rescue him, had forgiven him. But that wasn't true. Arthur had put him in prison, Arthur wanted him dead. The only reason he is alive is because Arthur pities him, is too honourable man to behead a blind, deaf mute. Besides, Merlin is little threat now. He can't do magic without speaking or knowing where he is aiming it. And he is certainly no use as a servant. By now Merlin is crying into his pillow. But, thought Merlin, now he is so useless he can't even hear himself crying.

Chapter Text

Arthur doesn't sleep well that night, his thoughts churning round his head. So many voices are shouting and arguing, speaking of Merlin's betrayal, Merlin's banishment, Merlin's torture. It's Merlin that's filling his mind. But the more he thinks about it the easier it is to see Merlin's point of view, although he wishes he couldn't. It means Merlin's never fully trusted that Arthur wouldn't kill him. Even today in the prison he so easily assumed the Arthur would cut off his head. Arthur realises he most resents Merlin not telling him himself. Maybe he'd have reacted better if Merlin had just come to him and said

"Arthur, I have magic."

His thoughts completely derail at the memory of Merlin's voice and the knowledge that he'll never hear it again. He can’t hold back the tears that fall. It's not very kingly to be crying over a servant. But Merlin has always been more than that. Arthur turns over and punches his pillows as he cries. He thinks of his own reaction, how he’d confirmed Merlin's fears. He remembers Merlin's face when he thought Arthur had come to rescue him, the hope that lit on his face. But Arthur had heard rumours that Merlin had joined Morgana, and had assumed another betrayal, assumed the worst of Merlin. He knows now that anything Merlin had divulged hadn't been by choice. Arthur's thoughts keep him awake most of the night.

---

When he's woken in the morning it isn't by Merlin, again. He doesn't like it, he's never liked it not being Merlin. The only thing he wants to do is run straight to Gaius' chambers and see how Merlin is doing, but he's the king and has duties to attend to. Besides, Merlin probably doesn't want to see him. So he does some work, then stares into space, thinking a lot. It gets to just after lunch time and his worry gets the better of him. He walks round to Gaius' and taps on the door before walking in slowly. He expects to see Merlin up and sitting at a table, but Gaius is alone grinding herbs.

"Where is Merlin?"

"He's still in bed"

"Oh, I'll come back when he's awake." says Arthur awkwardly.

"He's awake, he's refusing to get out of bed." says Gaius grimly.

"Oh" Arthur's not sure what to say.

"He did ask me to pass on a message to you"

"Yes" asks Arthur, heart pounding. Gaius pauses, then picks up a note that’s been laying on the bench beside him, clearly he’s been studying it. Merlin can’t have written it, but he’s dictated.

"He says ... it's pitch black and silent and his best friend hates him, so can you just cut his head off and be done with it. I'm sorry, Sire, I’ve tried reasoning with him. I have one spell, but he's inconsolable" Gaius has sat down on the bed and tears are running down his cheeks. Arthur doesn't stay to say anything to Gaius, but sprints straight up the stairs.

---

Merlin is lying facing the wall in his small room. Arthur has only seen it a few times and it feels strange being there. Merlin is purposefully facing the wall, Arthur thinks. Merlin can't see the wall but it's Merlin's room, he knows where the wall is. Arthur walks slowly over to the bed and draws Merlin's stool up beside it. He touches Merlin's arm at the elbow then watches Merlin carefully. He isn't asleep, he felt the touch but he isn't reacting. Arthur nudges him twice. Merlin's hand comes up and waves as if dismissing Arthur. Arthur can't help but smile slightly because it's just like Merlin. Merlin has buried his hands again, so Arthur can't write on those. But Merlin is only tucked in up to his waist, so Arthur writes

I AM KING MERLIN on his back, through his shirt. Merlin stiffens at that comment and turns over, then sits up slowly. Arthur carefully reaches for his hand, just holding it lightly until Merlin gets the idea and lets it be drawn forward so that Arthur can write on the palm.

I DONT HATE YOU he writes because it's really important that Merlin understands that.

CANT FORGIVE ME replies Merlin. TOO GOOD TO KILL CRIPPLE

NO writes Arthur, pushing a little harder for emphasis

NOT THAT Merlin shakes his hand out of Arthur’s grip and feels for Arthur’s hand again.

BETTER KILL ME PUT OUT MISERY NO USE NOW CANT SERVE NO MAGIC CANT TALK NO POINT TO ME

It's almost gibberish but it's breaking Arthur's heart. Merlin's fingers are shaking, but he's not crying, barely showing any expression. Arthur is crying, Arthur's weeping and he doesn't care how it looks.

I WAS UPSET BECAUSE YOU LIED TO ME he writes slowly.

BUT YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND I DONT WANT YOU TO DIE. Merlin seems to be considering this, battling with it. He shakes his head and lowers it. He still doesn’t believe it. Arthur needs to show it, prove it somehow. So he takes both of Merlin's hands and raises them to his own face, resting them on his cheeks. They are sodden with tears, and for a moment Merlin recoils at the feel, the dampness.

Then he stills as he recognises what Arthur is trying to say. Arthur lets out another sob and Merlin can feel it, feel the trickle of tears over his fingers, feel Arthur's stilted breathing, feel the way Arthur is rubbing small circle on the back of Merlin’s hand with his thumb. He can almost see it, almost hear it. And he knows that Arthur is upset, because Arthur doesn't cry at nothing. Arthur feels Merlin wipe away his tears. He caresses Arthur’s face to calm him. Merlin feels Arthur move, suddenly gone and he doesn't like it until he feels the bed dip beside him and Arthur is embracing him. Not awkwardly, a full tight hug, chest to chest, arms wrapped tight around Merlin's waist. His face is buried in Merlin's shoulder. And Merlin hugs back, clinging on because Arthur is real and solid and doesn't hate him.

Arthur pulls away a little so that he can rest his forehead on Merlin's. Definitely more intimate than is justified but he needs to be close, Merlin needs him to be close. He can still smell Arthur from here, feel his arms and where their foreheads meet.

After a few moments, Arthur tries to find Merlin's hand and writes

GAIUS he writes enthusiastically.

GAIUS CANT HELP replies Merlin, his face falling.

LET HIM TRY. PLEASE. FOR ME Merlin smiles a little.

OK

Chapter Text

Merlin is sat opposite Gaius, who has his spell book open and is trying really hard to concentrate. Merlin doesn't know this, he knows he is sat down and Gaius is doing something, but he doesn't know what. Gaius says a spell and his eyes light up, although Merlin can't see it. Merlin feels a tingling, like a shiver. But he nothing seems to change.

Arthur watches Gaius perform the spell. He's known Gaius longer than Merlin, and yet somehow it doesn't hit him as hard that Gaius has lied. Gaius was his father's advisor and friend and has been his physician his whole life. But he's still not really friends with Gaius, there's a distance, a respect. Besides, knowing his father he can understand Gaius not wanting to tell Arthur. But Merlin is different and it still stings that he didn't trust Arthur. Even if it hurts that he knows he might have done just as Merlin feared. But he also knows that he'd have always have hated himself for that.

Merlin fidgets and his brow furrows.

"It isn't working, is it?" asked Arthur.

"It could take some time, Sire" replies Gaius.

Arthur sits beside Merlin on the bench and writes on Merlin's hand.

ANY CHANGE?

NO I TOLD YOU IT WOULDNT

GAIUS SAID TAKES TIME

"I'm going to take a closer look at his eyes if I may, can you tell him I might be prodding his face around for a few minutes" says Gaius going to get a lens and a candle.

GAIUS GOING TO LOOK IN EYE DONT FIDGET writes Arthur. Merlin nods, rolling his eyes. Gaius arrives and draws down the bottom eyelid on Merlin's right eye. As he brings the candle closer to have a better look, Merlin jerks away.

TOLD YOU NOT TO FIDGET writes Arthur

SAW SOMETHING writes Merlin, shaking slightly

WHAT, WHAT SEE? write's Arthur, excited.

LIGHT SAW LIGHT IN RIGHT EYE writes Merlin.

GAIUS HAS CANDLE. "He saw light from the candle" says Arthur excitedly.
"tell him to try and follow it with his eyes"

GAIUS SAYS TRY LOOK AT IT writes Arthur.

They're not focussing properly but as Gaius moves the candle Merlin's eyes to follow it. Arthur is so happy he hugs Merlin tightly and doesn't care about the odd look he gets from Gaius. Merlin's smiling broadly too. It looks right on his face, the unreserved smile and beaming eyes.

Over the next few days Merlin's sight returns completely, which is wonderful. But as much as Arthur claps and bangs and shouts, there is no sign of Merlin's hearing returning. Merlin's earlier positivity about the return of his sight diminishes at the failure to make any more progress. Merlin isn't as despondent as before, he's reconciled with Arthur and he can see again. Seeing the blue of the sky and the green of the fields and Arthur smiling at him makes life far more bearable than before. But he still feels sad when he sees children running around and he can't hear them laugh. When they go for a walk he feels sad he can't hear the birds sing or the trickle of the stream. But its seeing people talk that hurts the most. Arthur, as unobservant as he usually is, has noticed how Merlin's countenance drops when he sees Arthur talk, so he tries not to do it. But they're still communicating by writing on hands and it's long winded and strange. So Merlin starts work in the library, scouring the books for a spell, a cure, anything.

Two weeks after Merlin's sight is restored Gaius introduces Merlin to a young boy named Tristan. He is bright eyed and smiling, no more than seven. His mother is there too and Merlin notes the way that he looks straight at his mother as she moves her hands in a complicated gesture. Tristan gestures back, and is looking and smiling at Merlin. It's an excited toothy grin, and his eyes are bright. Merlin feels sick. The child is signing to speak. This means Gaius has given up on his hearing returning. But Merlin hasn't given up, he has only scoured a small section of the library so far. Admittedly it is the section mostly like to be of any use, but there's still a lot to try before giving in so easily. He glares at Gaius, barely glances at the mother or Tristan before storming out of Gaius' chambers and hiding himself in the library to carry on with his research.

That is where Arthur finds him. Hunched over a book, scribbling notes. Arthur slams the book shut. Merlin looks up angrily. Arthur sits down opposite him and demands Merlin's hand so that they can talk. Reluctantly, glaring at Arthur, he proffers his hand.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT

GAIUS HAS GIVEN UP Begins Merlin, angry that Arthur can't see his point of view. Arthur yanks his hand away and forcibly turns Merlin's palm back over.

YOU MADE TRISTAN CRY writes Arthur. Merlin flinches at this.

DIDNT MEAN TO BUT ...Arthur cuts in again.

TRISTAN WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT TEACHING YOU he writes with emphasis. Merlin's anger flares and he prods Arthur's palm as he writes.

I DONT WANT TO LEARN. I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP

YOU ARE ALWAYS TELLING ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING. TRISTAN CAN ONLY SIGN TO HIS MOTHER, FATHER AND SISTER. HE DOESNT HAVE ANY FRIENDS MERLIN. HE WAS REALLY EXCITED TO MAKE ONE. WOULD LEARNING A FEW SIGNS HURT SO MUCH?

This kicks Merlin. His life has been painful, traumatising recently. Unbearable at times. But this child has lived with this his whole life, has never had more than 3 people who understand what he's saying. No wonder he was happy to see Merlin. Someone else willing to learn to talk to him. Except Merlin hadn't been, he'd walked out like a child having a tantrum rather than facing facts. The reality was he was probably going to remain deaf. Even if he recovered it could take months or years. So he could mope in the library or he could learn to cope with it. He thinks about it for a few more minutes, feeling chastised. He turns Arthur's hand over as he thinks, before laying it down to write.

WILL YOU LEARN SOME SIGNS TOO? SO THAT WE CAN SPEAK? He raises his eyebrows as finishes, looking up at Arthur. Arthur's frown softens into a smile.

WE'RE SPEAKING NOW, IDIOT

I KNOW, BUT IT'S SLOW. Arthur seems to frown slightly, but then he's writing

OF COURSE IF YOU WANT ME TO. GWEN AND GWAINE WANT TO AS WELL.

TRISTAN CAN START A CLASS writes Merlin, smiling. Arthur smiles too. Merlin sobers a little.

IM NEVER GOING TO HEAR AGAIN AM I?

I DONT KNOW MERLIN, IM SORRY. When Arthur pauses, his finger resting on the end of the Y's tail, Merlin looks up.

IM SORRY I SENT YOU AWAY. WISH NONE OF THIS HAPPENED This time Merlin can see the tears welling in Arthur's eyes and the way his brow furrows and his chin wobble just slightly. Merlin taps Arthur's hand to get his attention before writing

YOU DIDNT DO THIS. MORGANA DID. Arthur looks about to write again, but Merlin won't let him

STOP IT. NO POINT BLAMING YOURSELF. LETS GO FIND TRISTAN. I WANT TO LEARN THE SIGN FOR CLOTPOLE.

Chapter Text

Despite Arthur and Merlin being the worlds worst students, it isn't long before they both know enough signs for simple conversations. Well, once they get Tristan signing again. Merlin's apology is readily accepted, helped no doubt by a talk by Tristan's mother. It is Arthur's presence that hinders progress to begin with. Tristan is thunderstruck, unable to do more than stare at Arthur open mouthed for the first twenty minutes. Once they convince him to move,Tristan helps them come up with signs for 'merlin' and 'Arthur'. But they rarely use them to each other after they convince Tristan to teach them the signs for 'idiot' and 'clotpole'. Arthur does use the sign for Merlin sometimes, drawing it out the way he used to say Meerrrlllliiiinnnnn. They don't concentrate, distracting each other and joking around.

But they do learn despite their joking. And day by day Tristan grows more confident. They take him to the market and he teaches them words for objects on sale. They take him to the woods and they learn some more. They take him round the castle where they have to invent signs for various places because Tristan has never needed to learn signs for 'throne room' or 'armoury' and it was far too much fun making new signs to wait for someone who already knew the proper sign. They introduce him to Gwen and Gwaine and Leon, who all want to learn signs. After a couple of months Merlin has learned enough signs to convince Arthur that he can resume some duties. Arthur seems reluctant, but Merlin has always been the chink is his armour.

When Merlin does start working again he is happy. He feels useful, himself again. Most people are helpful, and it's only simple things, lighting fires, washing, cleaning. With his sight he can do most of these. He can even use a little wordless magic. But something is up with Arthur. Merlin resumes serving his food and dressing him. They can't chat as much as before whilst he works and it bothers Merlin a little but they chat enough at other times that it shouldn't matter. One day he is dressing Arthur for dinner when he has an idea and stops dressing Arthur to stand in front of him and sign.

"I think I'll teach Tristan to write. He's very clever."
"That's a good idea, I'm sure Gwen would love to help" signs Arthur, smiling. But there's a reserve to him that's been there for a while. He's keeping something from Merlin and he's upset about it.

"Arthur, what is it? Something's troubling you, I can tell"

"It doesn't matter" signs Arthur back, looking away. Merlin, turn's Arthur's face back and signs

"Obviously something is, clotpole. Tell me, please."

"I'm sorry Merlin, I can't tell you" signs Arthur, brow furrowing. Merlin feel's his stomach drop, Arthur doesn't trust him. In the first months he'd felt like his deception was forgiven and forgotten. He and Arthur had been closer than ever before. The hours spend learning signs with Arthur and Tristan had been unfettered, unreserved. Arthur's smile had been bright and open. And now it was gone. And Arthur didn't want to be open with Merlin, it felt like a door slamming shut in his face.

Merlin finishes dressing Arthur, his good mood gone. He tries to keep his smile in place when Arthur can see him, but when Arthur leaves to go to dinner it disappears. He doesn't serve Arthur at dinners at the moment. There's too many people rushing around, too much that needs to be heard. The king can't be expected to wait with his hand in their air for ten minutes before his servant realises he needs a refill of his drink. So Merlin is going to tidy Arthur's chambers, grab his own quick meal then polish Arthur's armour ready for tomorrow. He tidies the room without enthusiasm, but gets it done. He finds he isn't hungry and so simply starts on the armour. He loses track of time as he polishes, lost in thought. He thinks of Arthur and the distance that has suddenly appeared and his thoughts run away with him. How he still can't speak, or hear. How he can't serve Arthur tonight. He has no right to the title of the King's Manservant any more. He should just be a normal servant. It's pity that keeps his place. He'll have to resign. He's making Arthur look weak. That must be what Arthur is worried about, that's probably what he's building up the courage to say. Tears are running down his cheeks at the thought of leaving him, but he's resigned himself to this fate. He's just considering what he will do now when he see's Arthur appear kneeling in front of him. He's moved the armour away and is trying to meet Merlin's eye, but Merlin is trying to hide the fact that he's been crying. Pointless really, Arthur can see that plainly. Arthur tries shaking him a little, but Merlin still won't look. He wasn't expecting Arthur so quickly, he's not ready to face his questions. He feel's Arthur turning his hand over.

PLEASE LOOK AT ME

After a moment he looks up. Arthur's face is concerned, he's eyes searching Merlin's for answers.

WHATS WRONG he writes

Merlin shakes his head. Arthur wipes a tear from Merlin's face and that's not fair, Arthur's not supposed to be kind when he's firing Merlin. He holds the tear up for Merlin to see and raises his eyebrows.

TELL ME he writes insistently. Merlin sits up a little and signs

"You don't have to keep pretending. I know"

Arthur tenses, his eyes wide.

"It's not your fault. You don't need to feel guilty. You can't keep me as a servant just out of pity, you need someone who can..." Arthur interrupts.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to replace me"

"Who said that?"

"You. I mean you didn't say it, you didn't need to. It's all right, you..."

"Merlin, that's not what... I'm not going to fire you."

"What was earlier about?" asks Merlin, wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeve.

Now Arthur is struggling to maintain eye contact, his brow furrowing. He wants to tell Merlin something, but he's holding back. Merlin grabs Arthur's hand and writes

TELL ME Arthur closes his eyes as he feels Merlin write. After a few moments he turns Merlin's hand over cradles it with his left as he writes on it with the index finger of his right.

I MISSED THIS Merlin's brow wrinkles at that, but Arthur is still writing. Except he isn't, he just kind of tracing lines round Merlin's palm and not making eye contact. Kneeling where he is, they're quite close and Merlin feels so close to finding out what's bothering Arthur and yet not quite there. Is Arthur saying he preferred Merlin blind as well? That can't be true, he can remember Arthur's joy when he first focussed his eyes on him. That slightly crooked honest grin before he basically tackled Merlin with a hug. Arthur is still doodling, as Merlin's thoughts search for any kind of explanation. Then Arthur looks up and his eyes are unsure, his doodling has stopped. He swallows. Then he closes his eyes and he says something. Merlin has been practising lip reading but Arthur is too fast and then he feels Arthur's hand underneath his tense as Arthur writes

I LOVE YOU

Merlin's initial thought process is 'is that it?' before it catches up with the implications of what Arthur has said. His eyes blowing wide. He hadn't considered that an option. But his mind is staggeringly, alarmingly not averse to it. He looks back at Arthur whose face suggest that his whole world is a house of cards on the verge of collapsing. He leans forward and plants a chaste kiss on Arthur's lips. Then turns Arthur's hand over to write

CLOTPOLE