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Living alone on the listening outpost for so long had attuned Matt’s ears to any unexpected sounds. Little things like pipes settling or computers beeping were still enough to bring him out of a light sleep, just long enough to listen and make sure everything was functioning normally. Of course, the alarm system was rigged loud enough to wake him entirely, but that wasn’t what was tickling at his consciousness right now.
Eyes closed, he lay still on the pillow and waited for the sound to come back.
Feet shuffled by in the corridor outside, followed by a timid knocking at his door. That was enough to force him to some level of lucidity as he realized that there weren’t any doors on the listening post, nor any pillows for that matter.
He was on the Castle of Lions, safe, no need for constant alertness and fear of discovery.
“Yeah?” he called out. The lights around the room’s perimeter were dim blue, indicating that it was still night outside. Surely the paladins didn’t get up before the crack of dawn?
The door slid ajar and a head of messy chestnut hair peeked in. “You awake?”
“Am now. Come on in.” Matt sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “Something bothering you, Katie?”
She gave a wordless mumble and came the rest of the way into the room, shutting the door behind her.
Scooting over, Matt made room for her on the edge of the bed as she sat down and tucked her feet up. Pidge stared at him for a moment from the corner of her eye before reaching out and poking at his arm.
Matt stared back. “I’m awake, I promise. Stop poking me.”
“Just making sure you’re really here.”
“Aww, little sis is worried about me.” He tousled her hair until she batted at his hand to stop.
“It’s not like that,” she started to say, then added more quietly, “I had a bad dream, that’s all.”
Matt reached behind him for the blanket and pulled it up to drape over Pidge’s shoulders. “I can sympathize. Space exploration isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. Wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t know.” She pulled the blanket up like a hood, hiding her face in the sheltering shadows. In her lap, her hands clenched in the fabric of her pajama pants.
Heroically Matt resisted the urge to collapse back into his pillow and catch up on a lifetime of lost sleep, but he needed to be here for her. After almost two years separated, he could stand to lose a little sleep for her sake.
“It must have been pretty bad,” he said as way of trying to lighten the mood. “You used to come crawling into my bed all the time when you were little, saying that monsters were after you. But that was ages ago and I thought you’d grown more pride than that.”
Pidge grumbled and shoved at him, nearly enough to knock him over. She may not have gotten much taller, but her time in space had definitely given her some serious muscle mass. Matt pushed himself back upright and yawned.
“I mean, I guess I don’t mind sharing a bed with you, but you’ll have to bring your own pillow --”
“I dreamed you were dead.”
Matt stopped and let the rest of his words die in his throat.
Looking straight ahead, out at the darkness of the room, Pidge continued, “I dreamed I was back at the graveyard planet, bringing flowers to put on your tombstone. That place is gonna stick with me for a while, I think.”
She glanced up at Matt, who was still staring back with wide brown eyes.
“Although I’ve got to say, it was absolutely brilliant what you did. The code and all? Dad and I are the only people in the whole universe who can hack it. The transmitter led me right to you! But it was cruel of you to put it in the graveyard -– I totally thought I was too late. If I hadn’t figured it out...”
“Katie.”
Pidge looked up again, at where Matt’s face had gone pale in the cold blue light. He was shaking his head slightly as his face crumpled and tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Katie.”
Even though they’d been separated so long, even though they’d both changed, Pidge knew that it took a lot to make her brother cry. Her heart sank to her gut. Reaching out a hand, she laid it on Matt’s forearm and he was shaking under her fingertips.
“What is it?” She searched his face as he tried to find words. “You have to tell me, Matt. What’s going on?”
He swallowed and closed his eyes, gathering himself. When he spoke again, it was staccato, tongue tripping over itself, lips stuttering over the words and the sequence they had to be put in.
“Dad is... gone. The grave with my transmitter on it -– that’s where he’s buried.”
The silence stretched for miles.
Matt opened his mouth to breathe and instead a sob came out, shaky and scared.
“But they got the birthdate wrong,” Pidge whispered, clinging to that like it would save her.
“I made it that way so the code would work. But he... They would only allow rebel fighters to be buried there, so I gave up my transmitter so he’d have a place to rest. He deserves to be there as much as anyone.”
“No.” Pidge was shaking her head, her fingers painfully tight on Matt’s arm. “No, he can’t be...”
He pulled out of her grip and put an arm around her shoulders, tugging her closer until she fell limply against his side. He wanted to apologize again but it wouldn’t do any good.
At least there was one small comfort he could hold close to his chest, even though it hurt him. She hadn’t had to see their dad die. Hadn’t rescued him from the labor camp, so frail and sick. Hadn’t hauled him on her shoulders back to the safety of the ship, only for a stray laser blast to find him. Hadn’t felt his last gasp hot against her neck, then nothing.
Matt barely remembered the burial at all. Too many other fighters had died; the gravediggers were solemn and efficient, quick to put a layer of black earth between the martyrs and the survivors.
The listening post had been his self-administered punishment, in a way. A place for Matt to lick his wounds in peace and not have to be near anyone else, any other soldiers whom he knew would die.
“Katie, it’s going to be okay. We’ve come this far. All we can do is keep moving forward.”
She sniffled against his shirt but finally sat up, wiping her eyes. “I know.”
Hugging her closer, Matt rested his cheek on the top of her head. “It doesn’t feel okay to me either, to tell the truth. I’ve just... avoided thinking about it for the last couple of months. It’s like if I don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist.”
“But it does. All the time I’ve been searching for you and dad, I had no idea that he was already... I kept imagining finding him, and showing him everything I’ve done, and him being so proud of me.” Pidge hiccuped as she tried to breathe. “The thought of you two kept me going for so long.”
“He would be so proud of you and you know it. I’m proud of you, too.”
“I think you’ve done pretty well yourself,” Pidge said. “Not everyone gets to be a rebel commander.”
“Not everyone gets to be a paladin of Voltron, either.” Matt relaxed somewhat, the humor bitter on his tongue. Denial would only carry him so far, but he was willing to ride that train as long as it went.
Pidge wiped her eyes and shoved gently at his shoulder. “And here you thought the Garrison was the only way to get into space.”
“Ah, the foolishness of youth,” Matt sighed. Before he could say anything else, a huge yawn split his face, the physical and emotional exhaustion catching up to him.
“Sorry for waking you,” Pidge said, even as she made no move to leave. “And I didn’t mean to bring all this up right now.”
Matt looked away and concentrated on smoothing the wrinkles in his pillow. “I was going to tell you. It was just hard to find the words and I didn’t want to make you cry on the very first day.”
“Yeah, the team probably wouldn’t have forgiven you for that.” She gave him a watery smile. “I guess I’ll be heading to bed now.” Standing up, she started for the door, bare feet making hardly any sound.
“You don’t want to spend the night? Keep the monsters from getting you?”
Pidge paused at the doorway, hesitating for a moment before her face set into grim determination. “Nah, I’m a big girl. There are worse things than imaginary monsters that I have to face now.”
“Katie...”
“I’ll be fine. I’m happy to have you back safe and sound. It’ll take me a while to adjust but I’ll be fine.”
Matt nodded, blinking as her silhouette blended into the dark of the room. “I’m here for you if you need me. Good night.”
“Night.” The door opened and she slipped through, quiet footsteps fading away as she returned to her room down the hall.
Matt lay back and pulled the blanket up but sleep wouldn’t come. They’d all face their own monsters one way or another; that was the price of war. But Pidge was strong. If she’d made it this far on faint hope and willpower, then she could keep going.
Matt wanted to think that he could, too.
Only time would tell.