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I had just talked to Dorian. I couldn't get the bloody mage out of my head. With his tan skin, ebony hair, silky Tevinter accent and charming repartee. He was like an exotic wine, making me heady just standing in his presence and by the Maker, I had no idea what to do about it.
I'd left him standing outside the small cabin Josephine had given him after saving my life at Redcliff. He was dressed in his unusual brown leather mage armour with the one bare arm. I was sure he must be freezing, having lived his entire life in a much warmer climate. Yet if he was, he gave no indication of discomfort which made me wonder what else he was good at hiding.
I was wandering the small area outside Haven's Chantry, lost in thought, when I heard someone calling me.
"Herald? Herald!"
I turned to see Varric watching me, a strange expression on his face.
"Varric?"
"Either you just now realized you're the unwitting leader of this weird operation, or you've got something serious on your mind."
"Um." I didn't have a clue how to respond. I didn't know Varric well, other than what I'd read on his book about the Champion. He seemed genuine enough, but I didn't know who I could trust yet and I wasn't sure a glorified dwarven bard was a good first choice.
"I know that look." Varric smiled. "Follow me Herald. Whatever it is, I think you'll feel better telling me over a drink."
I smiled, expelling the breath I'd been holding in a loud sigh. "A drink sounds good Varric. Lead the way."
Varric led me to a table near the back of The Singing Maiden tavern and ordered two of their best ales. We sat in companionable silence for a while, listening to the bard while sipping our ale. I began to relax despite myself, when I realized Varric was letting the silence stretch and wasn't going to press me to talk.
"So let me guess. You woke up from a really bad dream where you couldn't remember the details and now you've had time to think, all you want is for someone to pinch you and say it's all just a really bad joke."
I smirked and took another gulp of ale. "Something like that."
"Which part?"
"All of it."
"Come on Herald. There's more to it than that. I realize you barely know me, but I'm here to help. I'm a good listener, or at least Hawke always said so."
"That's right, you met her back in Kirkwall. Were you friends?"
"Not at first. I recruited her as a business partner for an expedition my brother organized. It didn't go quite the way I planned."
"What happened?" I asked, curious to know more.
He frowned, gulping more ale before responding. "Maybe another time Herald. Long story short, we started out as business partners but became friends along the way. It's a complicated story. Filled with tragedy, betrayal, dragons, witches, shapeshifters, hardship.... But still, we managed to stay friends even after everything that happened."
"Sounds like you left a lot of things out of your book."
"You have no idea." He murmured. "But I'm here to help you, not bore you with tales of woe. So tell me, what had you wandering about with that dazed expression on your face?"
"Um." I hesitated. "Well you were partially right. I do feel like this is all just a bad dream. Three months ago I was the disgrace and disappointment of my father. Youngest son of a Bann, ordered to attend the Conclave to represent my family name. Now I'm the Herald of Andraste with people years more qualified than I looking to me for guidance. To say I'm overwhelmed..."
"I hear you." Varric nodded. "Hawke sometimes got that look after she defeated the Arishok. Tried to help a few times, but she'd always just smile and tell me she knew what she was doing. You on the other hand, look like you might actually appreciate having an ear to listen."
I smiled and ordered us another round. "Well you're right about that. What with Leliana watching me like a hawk, Cassandra criticizing my choices and Cullen disagreeing with me, I could use a friend."
"A friend? Really?"
"Why not? Are you that bad a person I shouldn't be friends with you?"
"No, no nothing like that. You do know Cassandra brought me here under duress right? I'm not exactly at the top of her trustworthy list."
"Well Cassandra isn't here now and she did say you were free to go. Yet here you are."
"But you're the Herald. Do you have any idea how intimidating you are?"
"Me? Intimidating? I may have this weird mark in my hand, but I'm still me."
"If you say so, but don't be surprised if I sometimes forget that part and stare at you in awe from time to time."
"I can live with that. So are we good?"
"You're on Herald."
"Call me Nathaniel."
Varric raised his eyebrows at that. "Not sure I want anyone overhearing me not using your title. I don't think it would go over well with your followers."
I sighed, knowing he was right. "Probably not, but keep the Herald stuff to a minimum then. I'm still not used to all this."
"Deal. Now, back to what brought us here. What else is bothering you? Was it something you saw in that weird future you and the mage went to?"
"Among other things." I muttered, not meeting his eyes.
Varric chuckled. "Let me guess. It's less about the scary future and more about a certain mage."
"I don't know what to do Varric." I groaned.
"About what exactly? The fact that he's a mage or that he's from Tevinter?"
"A bit of both and..."
"And you're interested in him but don't know enough about him. Never mind the fact that your advisors and Mother Giselle trust him about as far as they could throw him."
"Yeah. Exactly."
"Well I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask. Back in Kirkwall I wasn't sure Hawke was doing the right thing when she chose Fenris. Not that Anders was better, just Fenris was, well... broody. And he really liked wearing that spiky leather armour of his."
"What did Hawke have to say about it?"
"She thanked me for her concern but assured me she knew what she was doing."
"Hmph. Of course she did. Thing is Varric, I became a rogue for more reasons than just being good at it. Not a fan of the spotlight or of drawing attention to myself."
"Ha!" Varric laughed. "Well I'm afraid the sticking to the side-lines boat sailed a long time ago Herald."
"Tell me about it." I grumbled. "I can't believe how my life has suddenly gone in such an opposite direction to what I had planned."
"So, what were you doing at the Conclave?"
"Representing the Trevelyan name. Putting in an appearance, etcetera, etcetera. Noble posturing at it's worst. Couldn't have the Trevelyan's of Ostwick not be in attendance at something so historical an event as a peace talk between mages and templars. How would that look?" I sneered, making no effort to disguise my irritation.
Varric grunted. "I take it you have little regard for the trappings of nobility."
"Understatement."
"Well you're in good company there. After my brother Bartrand died, all those responsibilities fell to me. I do what I can to avoid it and refuse to attend Merchant's Guild meetings, but I still have to deal wth a mountain of paperwork."
"Sorry to hear that."
"But enough about that. What's bothering you about Sparkler?"
"Sparkler?"
Varric chuckled. "Well he does like to use elemental magic a lot and his armour tends to sparkle with all the shiny bits he has on it."
"I suppose I can see that. I guess my problem is he's from Tevinter. I'm not concerned about that, but if I were to get involved with him, all that privacy I value will fly out the window. There won't be a single person in all of Thedas who won't be interested in knowing more about it."
"True. A proclaimed Herald of Andraste and a mage from Tevinter will definitely draw more attention than idle gossip."
"Exactly. So what should I do?"
"I still can't believe you're asking me, of all people."
"Who else am I going to ask? At least you've had mage friends in the past who were also apostates."
"Maker's breath Herald. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe do nothing for now. Wait until after the mages help seal the breach first. By then, maybe less eyes will be watching."
"But if it works, won't they look more closely at me?"
"Hard to say. I think most people in Kirkwall looked at Hawke with less interest after she killed the Arishok. Never did figure out why though."
"Well that's something at least."
"You gonna mention any of this to Sparkler?"
"Are you kidding? Of course not. He already feels like an outsider. Getting extra attention from me will just make everyone more suspicious of him. No, I think you're right Varric. I'll wait until after we seal the Breach."
"In that case, glad I could help." Varric smiled, downing the last of his ale.
----xxx----
I woke shivering, my back resting uncomfortably on cold stone. Every muscle in my body ached and I could feel bruises everywhere I didn't feel frozen.
Groaning, I sat up and looked around unable to process what I was seeing. As I struggled to my feet, memory returned. I tensed, alert for any sound that might indicate Corypheus was looking for me, but I could hear nothing save for my own chattering teeth.
I appeared to have survived the avalanche and was now in an underground cave. I could see a tunnel before me, so I forced myself to start walking. Every step was agony, my body protesting even as I forced my legs to keep moving.
After a few minutes, I began to warm slightly from the increase in circulation and wondered if there was a way out.
I entered an open area and the mark flared to life. My arm rose up, opening a rift which instantly killed the spirits which had been blocking my way forward. With a snap of power, the rift closed and I collapsed to my knees in pain.
Maker's breath, what had just happened? My arm felt both hot and cold from the power it had just released and my hand tingled with energy. I didn't like how the mark was changing and the increase in power terrified me.
I got back to my feet and continued on, my heart sinking when I found the exit. Wind whipped at my hair, screaming in my ears as snow pelted my skin, stinging my face like needles.
I could see nothing but white. I couldn't tell where I was or which way I should go, but thought I saw an orange glow to my right in the distance. I stood there a moment, weighing my options, even knowing I really didn't have any.
I couldn't stay here. I had nothing to make a fire with and Haven was buried under several feet of snow. I was certain I was in shock. If I stopped moving now, I might never move again. I had to try to find the survivors from Haven, the refugees. It was my only hope for living through this. Bracing myself against the wind and cold, I stepped free of the tunnel and struck out in the direction of the glow I'd seen.
Walking through the snow against the wind soon drained me of what little energy I had. I could see nothing before me and had no idea if I were even heading in the right direction. I was becoming delirious and knew it wouldn't be long before I collapsed.
Tears froze on my cheeks as I pushed on, laughing at my own stupidity. So much for appearances. I had chosen not to approach Dorian until after sealing the breach and now I would never get the chance. I would die out here, cold and alone and he would never know I'd fallen for him. I would never kiss him or feel his lips on mine. Fitting, I thought, as I fell to my knees in the snow unable to continue.
In my delirium I imagined I could hear Cassandra and Cullen calling out to me and I laughed but could not hear it. I drifted in a cocoon of warmth and darkness, imagining someone had wrapped me up and placed me near a fire.
Was this what dying felt like? I drifted then, imagining I was calling Dorian's name and then he was there holding me, and I knew I was dead. Overwhelmed by regret for what I had lost, I kissed him, moaning as the warm press of his lips met mine before the dark took me and I drifted into nothingness once more.
----xxx----
"Lord Pavus?"
Dorian looked up from the book he'd been reading, barely covering his scowl when he saw Mother Giselle addressing him.
What did the bloody woman want from him now? Was she going to escort him to Cullen where he'd be forced out of camp at sword-point now that they had the Herald back?
"Yes? What can I do for you Mother Giselle?"
"If you would come with me, I would be most grateful."
He frowned and got to his feet. "What's this about?"
"It's the Herald. He's... been asking for you."
"He's... what?" Dorian couldn't process what he was hearing.
"He's been calling your name for the past hour. He won't settle and is delirious with fever. We thought perhaps you could sit with him a while to help calm him so he can rest."
Dorian was so shocked by what she was saying, he didn't know what to react to first. "And you're all right with having me sit with him? I thought you didn't like me."
"I just don't know you." She corrected. "But the Herald is a stubborn man. We've tried everything we have at our disposal to heal him, but he continues to call out for you. If it will help, I have no objection to your assistance."
"I see. Well I'll do what I can, but I don't know why he'd be calling for me."
"Thank you Lord Pavus. I will leave you with him for now as I have other injured to attend to. Let me know if his fever breaks or he shows any sign of improvement." She said, holding aside a privacy curtain which had been erected around the Herald.
She left then and Dorian turned his attention to the Herald. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his dark auburn hair was damp with fever. His normally tanned skin was a striking pale colour and the sheets which covered him were tangled around him as though he'd been struggling in his sleep.
He crossed the small space and gazed down at the man who had saved them all from a would-be god. Gently, he untangled the sheets and covered him up once more before adding a second one for extra warmth. He had just settled on the edge of the bed when he heard it.
"Dorian. Dorian." The Herald whispered, his voice filled with pain and loss making his own heart ache. What the blazes was this? If he didn't know better he'd think the Herald was in love with him, but that was ridiculous.
"Dorian. I'm so sorry."
The pain he heard was too much and he made soft soothing noises as he gathered the man in his arms. "Hush now Herald. It's all right. You're safe, I'm here."
He felt the Herald tense then as his eyes fluttered open, glazed and unfocused as he tried to look at him. "Dorian? Maker I was such a fool." And then his lips were on his and Dorian moaned in surprise and unexpected pleasure.
The Herald was clearly delirious, but Maker this felt so good and he closed his eyes, kissing him back. When the Herald broke their kiss, Dorian found himself staring into the most beautiful hazel-green eyes he'd ever seen.
The Herald smiled at him as his eyes began to drift closed. "Maker, I wish I'd done that before I died." He whispered before passing out, his body sagging in Dorian's arms.
Dorian was so shocked by the Herald's words that it was several moments before he could lay the man down. He... he'd wanted to kiss him? Him? How had he not noticed this?
He was still in shock when Mother Giselle returned, clucking her approval upon finding the Herald asleep. "Ahh good. He is finally resting. Thank you for your help Lord Pavus. Did he say anything while you were here?"
"Just my name." He lied. "I held his hand for a moment and he seemed to relax when he heard me telling him I was here."
"In that case, would you mind staying a while longer? I have other patients to attend and since he seems to take comfort from your presence, I see no reason for you to leave his side."
"Of course. Though would you mind terribly if I retrieved my book and another blanket first? I find it rather cold and I imagine the Herald could use another."
"I will have someone fetch them for you." She said, surprising him. "It might do the Herald good if you could read to him. Let him know he's not alone."
"A splendid idea. Thank you Mother Giselle."
"Think nothing of it. It was your idea after all."
----xxx----
Dorian stretched in the chair Mother Giselle had brought him along with his book and extra blanket. He blinked tired eyes as he looked to where the Herald rested to find him staring back at him.
"Herald? Are you feeling better? Do you need something?"
"I'm fine, apparently." He replied, his voice tired. "Assuming I'm not dead or imaging you sitting there."
"No you're not dead. Though you did have a nasty fever for a while." He replied, suddenly uncomfortable with the look the Herald was giving him.
"I wasn't dreaming then." He said, his cheeks flushing with colour as he struggled to sit up.
Dorian tensed, his mind filling with alarm. "What are you doing? You shouldn't get up, you need to rest."
"I want to apologize. I thought I was dying and... and I kissed you. I'm sorry about that."
Dorian took his hand, making the Herald look up at him sharply. "I'm not." He said, smiling. "Though perhaps next time you might try it when you're not delirious with fever."
The Herald's eyes widened, his mouth twitching into a smile. "You're not angry?"
"Far from it. Not that I'm used to having someone kiss me when stricken with fever. More surprised and... pleased. But are you sure you kissed the right person?"
"I thought I was going to die Dorian. All I could think was that I'd never get to see you again. Never get to kiss you... so yes, I'm sure."
"I don't know what to say, except it was a lovely surprise and... I'd like very much if we could do it again."
"So would I." The Herald smiled. "But perhaps we could discuss this later? I think I hear someone coming."
Dorian cursed, letting go of his hand. "Just when things were getting interesting. Promise we'll speak more on this later?"
"I promise." He smiled, winking at him. "Nothing will stop me from trying to kiss you again."
Mother Giselle appeared then, Dorian's cheeks flushing with embarrassment, certain she'd heard what the Herald had just said.
"Herald. It is good to see you finally awake."
"Yes." Dorian agreed. "I was just coming to find you. If you'll excuse me Herald, I shall leave you in the Mother's capable hands."
"Thank you for sitting with me Lord Pavus. We'll speak more later as time permits, I promise."
"Right. Of course." Dorian stammered, beating a hasty retreat lest he say something to give himself away. "As you wish Your Worship."
Returned to his tent, he couldn't believe what had just happened. Of all the things he'd thought to experience upon fleeing his homeland, being kissed by a devastatingly handsome man who had been chosen to save the world was not one of them.
As he drifted off to sleep, he smiled at the memory of the kiss they'd shared, excited at the prospect of experiencing it again.