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Most days, Kanan was used to being blind. He could still feel where things were, he could still get around, and in some ways he could do so better than most. But then there were moments when the darkness would strike him again, the reality that he would never be able to see again. Like the first time he placed his hand on Ezra’s shoulder and realized his padawan had grown so much. But he couldn’t see it. Mentions of Sabine’s new hair color that he would never be able to picture accurately. Talk of how much Lothal had changed, he could feel it, but it wasn’t the same. There were other moments too, days when he could hear laughter and feel joy, but he couldn’t see the smiling faces of those he cared about so much. Little glances he would never be able to see, gestures he had come to love that he would never notice again.
Most days, it was okay. But today wasn’t one of those days. It usually happened when Kanan was alone, when he was left to meditate on the blackness that was now his world. He tried to focus on the positives, on all he could feel that he hadn’t been able to before, but there was still a hole in his chest.
“Kanan?”
Ezra’s voice sounded from the side of the cave, drawing Kanan out of the mire of his thoughts. Despite not being able to see his padawan, Kanan could feel the conflict, the worry radiating off of him. Patting the ground beside him, Kanan waited until he felt Ezra sit next to him.
“Something on your mind?”
Silence. A rush of emotion. A sigh. “It just that…good or bad, it’ll all be over tomorrow and I…” Ezra’s voice trailed off, and Kanan could almost picture him looking off to the side.
“Hey,” Kanan said quietly, placing a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Is it? We don’t know for sure. Even if we free Lothal, we don’t know what the cost will be and I-” This time, Ezra’s voice broke. A shuddering breath. “I want Lothal to be free again but, Kanan, I can’t lose my family. Not again.”
Each word Ezra spoke was shaky, as if he was trying to hold back tears. Worry and pain radiated through the Force, weighing down on Kanan. Without a word, he pulled Ezra close to his chest, hugging him tighter as sobs echoed through the cave.
Kanan didn’t know how much time had passed as he held Ezra, but he didn’t care. He knew firsthand how terrifying it was to face losing those you cared about, especially after loosing loved ones in the past. And he would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about the next day either, but there was a peace about it. He knew things would work out as they should.
“No matter what happens tomorrow, we will always be with you.”
Those words echoed around Ezra’s brain that night as he tried to sleep, curled up on the dusty ground only a few feet away from Kanan. His master’s presence was comforting, which was part of the reason he has asked if he could sleep here tonight. However, back in his mind, there was a clinging worry, a fear that this might be the last time he would ever feel that presence, and that ruined the comfort he felt.
Memories flashed through Ezra’s mind, of his parents, and the few memories he had of them, but also of Kanan and the Ghost crew. Training sessions, fuel runs, night full of laughter. They made Ezra smile even as a weight grew on his chest. He tried to repeat Kanan’s words to himself, but they sounded so hollow. His parents were still with him, but it wasn’t the same.
Opening his eyes, Ezra looked over at Kanan and felt fear gripping his chest again. The thought of losing his mentor – the closest thing he had to a father – was unbearable.
“Can’t sleep?” Kanan’s voice echoed through the cavern.
“I…” Ezra trailed off, realizing he didn’t even know what to say.
Then Kanan sat up and looked at Ezra – or at least he would be looking if he could still see – and held out an arm.
It was childish. Ezra hadn’t needed help sleeping in years, not since that night on Lothal when he found out his parents were gone for good. But as he buried his face in Kanan’s shoulder, he realized he didn’t care. This might be the last time he could ever seek comfort from his dad, and maybe, just maybe, it was okay to feel like a kid again.
“It’ll be okay, Ezra.”
Squeezing his eyes tight, Ezra clung to the words, repeating them over and over again until a soft wave a sleep washed over him. Who knew what tomorrow would bring, but tonight, his family was safe and he was okay.