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“Maki Roll,” Kaito calls from the kitchen, “breakfast!”
She gets up from where she was sitting in the living room, still clad in pyjamas and a dressing gown, to find him bright eyed and fully dressed – not particularly a surprise, since he takes a very much carpe diem approach to life. Maki, on the other hand, seems to revel in the life of being in a relationship as slowly and as gently as she possibly can; every morning that she spends in pyjamas, watching television or smoking with Kaito outside in the sunshine, reminds her that she’s no longer in the orphanage, or being trained against her will to do unspeakable things.
It's just…nice. She’d describe it as soft, if she was sentimental enough to wax poetic about how beautiful her life with Kaito has become. Two solid years of dating have done wonders to melt the ice around her heart, and it’s the little moments like this – when Kaito is wearing an obscenely cheesy apron and cooking bacon – that make her fall in love with how life is supposed to be.
“You don’t have to do this every morning, you know,” she says, “I’m fine with just grabbing some toast or something.”
“No way! I’m gonna do it forever and ever until you finally gain some weight,” he laughs, “cause whenever I hug you it feels like you’re gonna slip through my arms.”
“Mm,” Maki muses, thinking about all the things he doesn’t know. It was a big deal for her to show him her scars, and even that took months of being in a steady relationship; she’s not ready to open the emotional can of worms that is her past trauma. He doesn’t know the half of it, of her relationship with food, but if she’s not careful, he’ll notice soon enough how she eats so little, as if there are still dozens of smaller mouths than hers that deserve food more than she does.
But no…that’s over. That is most definitely over. And as hard as it is, especially with Kaito’s less-than-Michelin-star cooking, she manages to swallow down all of her breakfast with minimal self-hate.
“I was thinking we could have a movie night tonight,” Kaito says, “what d’you think?”
“As long as we’re not watching Apollo 13 for the…well, thirteenth time, I’m down.”
“Hey! Apollo 13 is a classic! And besides, you know I’m gonna get up there one day.”
“I know you are,” she says, “and I’ll make you call me every day from whatever planet you’re on.”
“I’ll hold you to that promise!”
“But yeah, a movie night sounds great. I’ll go into town today and get some snacks,” she bites down on her own words, promising herself that it is okay to eat and there’s nobody you have to feed before yourself now.
“Awesome!”
As she walks upstairs to get dressed, she hears Kaito following her. In the back of her mouth, she almost tastes a sarcastic comment about him being akin to a lost dog, but she turns around and sees his face – so full of love and admiration – and she realises that she wants him to follow her, upstairs, or to the ends of the earth.
Neither of them have done any ironing over the past week, so she has a hard time finding something to wear. When Kaito taps her on the shoulder, holding out a folded t-shirt, she gives him a confused look.
“Saw this online the other day and thought I absolutely had to get it for you.”
She unfolds the t-shirt – it’s light red, emboldened with the text:
“MY BOYFRIEND WENT TO SPACE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS SHITTY T-SHIRT”
“Oh my god, Kaito,” she laughs, “you haven’t even been to space yet!”
“I know I know,” he laughs too, raising his hands in the air in mock surrender, “but I couldn’t not buy it. And we’ve got no unwrinkled laundry…so…”
“You know I’m wearing this. Absolutely. Gotta let the world know my boyfriend is an absolute idiot.”
“Am not!”
“A loveable idiot.”
She sighs and puts the t-shirt on, still smiling. Instinctively, she reaches for a thick pair of jeans; only when she begins to slide them on does she notice Kaito’s confused face.
“Maki Roll, have you seen the weather? It’s scorching! You’ll be roasting in those.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve got nothing else.”
“You’ve got those cute little shorts we found the other day.”
“I’m not wearing those.”
“Why not? It’s boiling! You’ll get sunstroke or something.”
“I thought sunstroke was when you didn’t wear enough suncream?”
“Yeah, well, you’ll get sick anyway! Please? For me?”
“Kaito, I’m not wearing those shorts. They…show my legs.”
“And? It’s not like they’re super hairy like mine.”
“God, you can be so dense sometimes, you know that? I mean…my scars.”
“What, those? Come on Maki Roll, you can’t live your life in discomfort and fear just ‘cause of what’s happened in the past!”
“I know…I know…they’re just…they’re ugly. And people will stare. And I don’t like staring.”
“Nobody is gonna stare,” he says, pulling her towards him, “and if they do, I’ll fight them.”
“You’re not even gonna be there.”
“Yeah…well…I’ll still fight them!”
“But really, Kaito, I just can’t.”
He’s about to say something, when he stops himself, instead sitting her down on the bed and looking her directly in the eyes. Slowly, wordlessly, he kisses all the marks on her legs – each one she considers ugly, marred; all the raised red and white ones that she wishes didn’t exist. Every time she sees them, she’s reminded of all the pain she had to endure in her past; the ache, the terror, the absolute primal fear that she felt as a child, forced to kill and live as something other than human.
Still, sometimes, she believes that she can’t possibly be good enough anymore to even be considered human. But with Kaito’s beard tickling her thighs, and his soft murmurs of how beautiful she is, she gradually starts to believe him when he tells her that he loves her.
He loves her.
She is human.
She is beautiful.
Scars and all.