Chapter Text
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
An impressive looking SPACESHIP the size of a small city heads toward the camera. It gets closer and closer until we zoom inside one of the large tinted WINDOWS on an upper deck.
Inside, it is nearly pitch-dark. Camera zooms toward three squarish shapes with shadowed figures slumped over them. The one in the middle, MILLER, stirs.
MILLER
Ugh, my head. Where am I?
(She turns to look around and notices an unconscious form
on each of the desks to either side of her.)
Oi!
(She nudges the one to her right.)
Hardy, is that you?
(She shines the torch from her phone into the DOCTOR’S face.)
DOCTOR
(mumbling)
Put that light out and get me a cup of tea.
I fear my regeneration went rather badly again.
MILLER
(continuing to shine the torch)
Really, Hardy?
I’m your partner, not your bloody secretary.
DOCTOR
Partners? I thought we were going with
“companions” these days, but sure.
(Beat)
Wait a minute?
Who are you calling “Hardy?”
MILLER
You, of course!
That’s your name, isn’t it?
DOCTOR
Is it?
(He runs a hand through his hair in confusion)
MILLER
I don’t know, actually.
Where’s your irascible Scottish burr
and your unkempt beard?
(Just then, the other figure begins to move.
Miller shines the light in his direction.
LOKI wakes up and looks at the others.)
LOKI
What the Hel?
MILLER
Wait, do I know you? Did you dye your hair?
LOKI
I think not, mortal.
MILLER
Excuse me?
First “regeneration” and now “mortal?”
Who are you people?
LOKI
I am a god, you dull creature.
DOCTOR
I’m the Doctor.
I’m a Time Lord.
I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous.
I'm 905 years old and I'm the man who is gonna save your lives.
MILLER
Come again?
ROLL CREDITS
ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS
STARRING
TOM HIDDLESTON AS LOKI
DAVID TENNANT AS THE DOCTOR
OLIVIA COLMAN AS ELLIE MILLER/ANGELA BURR (We’re fuzzy on that)
WITH SPECIAL GUEST ALEX TREBEK AS ALEXBOT
(The lights in the room suddenly blink to life.
The three strangers realize that they are in
what appears to be the Sony Pictures Television
Studios. Movie cameras surround them and a
Giant computer monitor made up of little blue squares
Faces them. Beyond the cameras is the window that
was panned through at the beginning of the scene.
The Doctor walks over toward the window and
The black expanse of space beyond. Miller follows
Him. Loki tries to move but he is handcuffed to
The podium at which he is standing. He waves
His free hand about as though trying to conjure a spell)
LOKI
A magic dampener? Really?
MILLER
Hardy-
DOCTOR
I’m the Doctor.
MILLER
Right. Well, Doctor, can you explain a few things to me?
DOCTOR
I can explain many things to you: the political machinations of the
Shadow Proclamation, the physics of dark and antimatter,
The wibbly-wobbly nature of time itself, the-
(Beat.)
Oh. You meant can I explain a few specific things
That you haven’t yet asked. Well, go on then.
MILLER
How come we can see so many stars out here?
We must be in the middle of the bloody desert or something.
LOKI
Isn’t it obvious? We’re in space.
MILLER
I wasn’t asking you. I was asking-
Wait. What did you just say?
LOKI
We are suspended somewhere between
The Nine Realms on board a vessel of some sort.
If we can find the cockpit, I can pilot us out of here.
DOCTOR
Might be a little difficult with those handcuffs on.
LOKI
Then help me get them off!
DOCTOR
No, I don’t really think I want to just now.
I’m getting the feeling that you might not be
entirely...trustworthy.
LOKI
(innocently)
Whatever do you mean?
DOCTOR
Well, whoever brought us here obviously is
Not a big fan of yours. You are the only one
bound to a podium.
LOKI
Touche’
MILLER
So you are trying to tell me that we are
Not on the planet Earth right now?
LOKI
Give the lady a prize.
DOCTOR
(walking back towards Loki)
You’re not very nice. And I tend to disagree
With people who aren’t very nice.
LOKI
Are you threatening me, Time Lord?
DOCTOR
Well, it was more of a strongly worded warning, but yeah.
MILLER
(standing between the two aliens)
Is no one else bothered that we are randomly
Floating around in space?
LOKI
Not really.
DOCTOR
No.
MILLER
(exasperated)
Fine then. Carry on.
DOCTOR
Right, where was I?
LOKI
Floating in the middle of space?
DOCTOR
Ha ha.
MILLER
We should get our bearings and try to
remember what happened before we woke up here.
Retrace our steps, as it were.
DOCTOR
Good thinking. Well, I was on the TARDIS
beginning to regenerate.
MILLER
There’s that word again.
LOKI
And I was on a Sakaaran passenger ship
headed for Midgard. That’s Earth to you humans.
MILLER
I was in my office dozing off in the middle of paperwork.
Does that help us?
LOKI
Not really.
DOCTOR
No.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Ladies and Gentlemen
THIS IIIIISSS JEOPARDY
(The JEOPARDY Theme Music begins to play.
Our three hapless heroes peer
around anxiously. A spotlight stops on the Doctor,
who momentarily freezes.)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Contestant #1 hails from Gallifrey,
can’t decide how old he is, and really
doesn’t want to regenerate. It’s the Doctor!
(Doctor looking sheepish as spotlight beams over to Miller.)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Contestant #2 is a former MI6 agent…
MILLER
No, she’s not!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
...Likes to do dangerous spy work when pregnant…
MILLER
What the hell?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
and was facing a whole heap of trouble on Earth,
Angela Burr!
MILLER
IT’S ELLIE MILLER!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Our third contestant is a Frost Giant
of Jotunheim that considers Asgard his home, and was
about to meet a gruesome end at the hands of Thanos…
LOKI
(growing pale under the spotlight)
What?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
...Let’s hear it for Loki Laufeyson, god of Mischief!
Now here’s your host...ALEXBOT!
(Clapping from an invisible audience.Then the spotlight shifts
to a metallic figure behind a podium who vaguely resembles a
famous television game show host).
DOCTOR
(running hands through hair)
Oh no! OH NO! Could we be on Satellite 5 again?
If we are, what does it mean? Are they hostile?
Or will our lives be spared like last time?
ALEXBOT
Good evening, Doctor. You are incorrect to think you are on Satellite 5.
This game is not of human making.
MILLER
I think I’m going to throw up.
LOKI
If you are going to vomit, kindly do it in the direction
of the Time Lord and not on me.
MILLER
(fixing him with a stare)
I swear I’ve met you before, but you were blond…
LOKI
(laughs derisively)
Please, you ignoramus. Is this the face of someone
who would look attractive with blond hair?
DOCTOR
Well, actually….
ALEXBOT
AHEM. As I was saying, you three were brought here to win a
second chance at life.
MILLER
(going green)
Yep, definitely going to be sick.
(Loki tries inching away from Miller, but his handcuffs prevent him.)
ALEXBOT
You were plucked from your current timelines
at a moment of deep peril. Now you have a chance
to change the course of fate. Win the game of Jeopardy,
and your life will be spared. If you lose, we put you back in your time
stream and let events play out as they were intended.
(Beat)
LOKI
(pointing at Doctor and Miller)
He’s a Time Lord. Just let him regenerate!
And she was doing damn paperwork!
Don’t tell me her life was endangered!
I’m the only one in trouble! Spare me!
DOCTOR
Oh, well done. Spoken just like a snivelling coward.
LOKI
(dramatically)
I don't care. I’m only 1500 years old. I have
a long life ahead of me.
MILLER
I was wrong. You don’t remind me of anyone.
You’re a bastard!
LOKI
How did you know?
ALEXBOT
Enough! You will play the game,
or we can send you back right now.
(Another beat as our heroes weigh their options.)
LOKI
(stage whisper)
Right, if one of you could release my bonds
I could dismantle the robot.
DOCTOR
Number 1, you couldn’t dismantle him because
You’d still have no magic, and number 2, I
don’t trust you to not run off and leave
Miller and I to fend for ourselves.
LOKI
Well then, what’s your brilliant plan?
DOCTOR
(yelling in a Scottish accent)
Millah?
MILLER
Yes, Hardy? I mean, Doctor?
DOCTOR
(sweetly)
Any ideas?
MILLER
(swallowing hard)
Can you show us the categories, Alex?
ALEXBOT
(beaming)
Certainly. Your Categories are...Finish the Lyrics...
Shakespeare...Planets...Animation...Famous Authors…
and Potpourri. Player One, you get to choose first.
DOCTOR
Oh, brilliant. I’ll take Shakespeare. I know Shakespeare.
Literally. I’ve met him.
MILLER
What?
(Alexbot waits expectantly. Doctor realises his mistake)
DOCTOR
Sorry. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000.
Always start with the big numbers.
ALEXBOT
This flamboyant king in need of a haircut lost his throne to Henry IV.
DOCTOR
Whaaat? I don’t recall any flamboyant…
(Loki rings in whilst the Doctor is muttering)
LOKI
Who was Richard II?
ALEXBOT
Correct! You have control of the board.
DOCTOR
What? WHAT? WHAAAAT?!?
LOKI
I will take Planets for $200
ALEXBOT
This planet is best known for being the habitat of a species of noseless dog.
DOCTOR
(buzzing in)
What is Barcelona?
ALEXBOT
Right-o
DOCTOR
Great planet, Barcelona. Never ceases to make me laugh.
MILLER
I thought Barcelona was a city?
LOKI
(sighing)
It’s also a planet, foolish Midgardian.
DOCTOR
(cheerily)
You better start ringing in, Miller.
You’ll need those points. I’ll take Shakespeare for $800, Alex.
ALEXBOT
Due to its Fascist undertones, this play was banned
for a period of time in post-World War II Germany.
(Doctor and Loki both reach for the buzzer)
ALEXBOT
Loki?
LOKI
What is Coriolanus?
ALEXBOT
Yes!
LOKI
What a genius, Coriolanus. Always told it like it was. Too bad he never had the chance to wield his true power.
DOCTOR
What is wrong with you? That elitist murderer would have been a dictator!
LOKI
But think of the control he could have had!
MILLER
BONKERS!
LOKI
I will take planets for $400.
ALEXBOT
Want to see Hel freeze over? Take a trip to this dark and misty realm.
MILLER
(buzzing as if her life depended on it, which it does)
Oh umm, I didn’t think I would actually get in. What is Saturn?
ALEXBOT
No!
LOKI
(ringing in)
What is Niflheim?
ALEXBOT
Correct! You’re still in control of the board.
LOKI
Planets for 6.
ALEXBOT
Exterminate! Is the battle cry you would hear on this, the planet of the Daleks.
(All three players scramble for control)
ALEXBOT
Miller?
MILLER
What...is...Saturn?
ALEXBOT
Nope! Doctor?
DOCTOR
What is bloody, stupid, burn-in-hell SKARO?
ALEXBOT
(blinks rapidly)
That is correct? Doctor, you are now in control.
DOCTOR
Oh yes! Let’s try Famous Authors for $1000.
ALEXBOT
This thriller writer spent much of his time in the Cold War
with books like Tinker Tailor, Soldier, Spy.
MILLER
(buzzing in)
I know this one! Who is John Le Carre’?
ALEXBOT
Yes, you now take control and are out of the negative.
MILLER
Wait a minute...John Le Carre’...
(Miller side-eyes Loki for a moment,
her forehead scrunched up in thought.)
LOKI
(glaring)
Do you mind not staring at me in that unsettling manner?
MILLER
(shaking head)
Never mind…I’ll take Animation for $200
ALEXBOT
Whoo hoo!
This Disney show features characters like Scrooge McDuck and Launchpad McQuack.
MILLER (buzzing in)
What is DuckTales?
ALEXBOT
Yes!
(The Doctor and Loki look at her.)
MILLER
What?
I have a five-year-old son at home.
DOCTOR
Sure, we’ll go with that.
MILLER
Animation for $400.
ALEXBOT
Disney expanded the story of this movie with shows and specials like
Jake and the Neverland Pirates and The Pirate Fairy.
MILLER
(buzzing in)
What is Peter Pan?
ALEXBOT
Correct.
LOKI
What is this obsession with Disney?
It’s almost like they own our souls or something.
DOCTOR
Or our careers anyway.
(The Doctor and Loki exchange horrified glances.)
MILLER
(smugly)
Not mine, mate.
Animation for $600.
ALEXBOT
Oh for Thor’s Sake! This animated movie is based on
the best-selling book series by Cressida Cowell.
LOKI
Excuse me?
Did you really just bring up my accursed brother?
What does he have to do with anything?
MILLER
Quiet. I’m trying to think.
LOKI
You dare try to silence me, mortal?!
MILLER
That’s right, you...whatever-you-are.
Consider yourself well and truly shushed!
ALEXBOT
Contestants will please refrain from commentary unrelated to the answer at hand.
DOCTOR, LOKI, and MILLER
Shut up!
ALEXBOT
(sparking a little as the “time’s up” chime rings)
The correct response was:
What is How to Train Your Dragon?
DOCTOR
(noticing the malfunctioning robot)
Interesting…
MILLER
Um, Finish the Lyrics for $200?
ALEXBOT
Finish this lyric from a Proclaimers gem,
“But I would walk 500 miles.
And I would walk 500 more.
Just to be the man who walks 1000 miles…”
DOCTOR
(singing)
To fall down at your door!
Da da da DA!
(Loki and Miller stare at him)
DOCTOR
Well, aren’t you gonna sing it with me?
LOKI
Absolutely n-
(The Doctor nods slightly toward Alexbot who is now smoking slightly.
Loki suddenly realises his plan.)
Oh, what the Hel?
(sings)
Da da da DA!
DOCTOR
Da da da DA!
MILLER
(not understanding, but joining in)
Da da da DA!
DOCTOR, LOKI, and MILLER
Da da da da da la da da da da la da DA!
ALEXBOT
(spasming slightly)
Correct? I guess?
DOCTOR
Planets for $800
ALEXBOT
This planet was mistakenly thought to be the home of the Kronans,
a stony species of humanoid aliens.
MILLER
(buzzing in)
Uh, What is...Saturn?
LOKI
Oh, for the love of-
ALEXBOT
Yes!
LOKI
What?!
She actually got one right?!
DOCTOR
(grinning wildly)
Humans.
I love humans.
Humans are amazing.
(Loki mutters incoherently to himself.)
MILLER
Animation for $600?
ALEXBOT
This animation company has had several duds in the
recent years like The Pirates! Band of Misfits and Early Man,
the only saving grace being the voice acting.
LOKI
(buzzing in)
Could it, perchance, be Disney again?
ALEXBOT
No!
MILLER
(buzzing in)
What is Aardman Animations?
ALEXBOT
Yes!
MILLER
(turning to Loki)
I can see why you’d be confused.
They seem to use the same actors.
I’ll finish off Animation, please.
ALEXBOT
This long running animated series has literally had
every actor in the world guest star on it.
DOCTOR
(Buzzing in)
What is The Simpsons? I remember this one
episode where I...
ALEXBOT
Incorrect.
(Miller thinks for a moment then buzzes in)
MILLER
What is Family Guy?
ALEXBOT
Right!
DOCTOR
Oh yes! Of course!
LOKI
Everyone has been on that mediocre
Midgardian series.
MILLER
(darkly, to the camera)
Almost everyone.
ALEXBOT
Pl...pl..please refrain from comments.
You’re in control, Miller.
MILLER
Finish the lyric for $400?
ALEXBOT
Finish the Lyric from this 2005 Coldplay song,
“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and…”
DOCTOR
(singing)
“I will try to fix you!”
(Miller, Loki, and Alexbot stare)
DOCTOR
(shrugging)
I like Coldplay. Deal with it!
Ahem, can I have my points, please?
(Alexbot twitches for a moment, and then $400 points
are added to the Doctor’s score).
DOCTOR
Shakespeare for $600.
ALEXBOT
Before he was this king, he was Hal,
running around shirtless in English baths.
LOKI
What the Hel does that have to
do with Shakespeare?
MILLER
I dunno. I was thinking the same
thing when I saw the most recent adaptation
on the telly.
DOCTOR
(buzzing in)
Who was Henry V?
ALEXBOT
Correct.
DOCTOR
That Hal. Such a troublemaker.
I recall this one time…
LOKI
But the answer still makes NO SENSE!
DOCTOR
Shakespeare for $400.
ALEXBOT
This play could also be called,
“Plenty of Hullabaloo over Nada.”
(Doctor and Loki both scramble for control)
DOCTOR
What is Much Ado About Nothing?
ALEXBOT
Yes!
LOKI
(smashing control)
This buzzer is CLEARLY broken.
DOCTOR
(smugly)
I’ll take the last Shakespeare, please.
ALEXBOT
The famous “To be or not to be…” soliloquy comes
from this play, one of the most
popular of Shakespeare’s tragedies.
(All three try to ring in)
DOCTOR
(hopping up and down)
WHAT IS HAMLET? I love Hamlet.
What an amazing play. And that speech!
LOKI
(under his breath)
Yes, I bet you could recite it from memory...
MILLER
(to Loki)
Aww, let him have it. He was at
zero points couple seconds ago.
LOKI
That’s true…
(He frowns)
But I don’t want to die. All right,
Time Lord, your streak ends now.
DOCTOR
Finish the Lyrics for $600.
ALEXBOT
Led Zeppelin once sang,"The hammer of the gods
will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying….”
(Doctor and Miller blink.)
DOCTOR
Led Zeppelin actually has lyrics?
I thought it was random screaming.
LOKI
(buzzing in)
What is, “Valhalla, I am coming?”
And no, I’m not actually. Going to
Valhalla, that is. Not for a looong time.
MILLER
Yes, we get it. You don’t
want to die. NONE of us do.
LOKI
(with the air of a martyr)
Planets for $1000.
ALEXBOT
This planet was originally a twin to the
Earth before giving rise to a
new race of beings called the Cybermen.
(Doctor and Loki smash their buttons)
DOCTOR
What is Mondas? HAH!
Take that “god of mischief”
(Loki manages to look both stricken and incensed at the same time.)
MILLER
(rolling eyes)
Men.
DOCTOR
Famous Authors for $800.
ALEXBOT
This genius of the mystery genre is known for such books as Murder on the Orient Express...and for really bad movie adaptations.
(The Doctor and Miller buzz in.)
DOCTOR
Who was Agatha Christie?
LOKI
Let me guess, another friend of yours?
DOCTOR
Oh, yes!
Brilliant lady, Agatha.
MILLER
(indignantly)
Bad movie adaptations?
The latest one is amazing, I’ll have you know.
Kenneth Branagh is really a genius at casting.
LOKI
I know, right?
ALEXBOT
You still have control of the board, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Authors for $600
ALEXBOT
This fantasy novelist who wrote Norse Mythology
is also known for his collaboration with Sir Terry Pratchett on Good Omens.
LOKI
Ha! I bet he got me totally wrong.
ALEXBOT
Doctor?
DOCTOR
Who is Neil Gaiman?
ALEXBOT
…
LOKI
I think we broke Alexbot.
He isn’t even telling us if we’re correct anymore.
DOCTOR
As long as he keeps track of the score, I’m happy.
LOKI
Famous Authors for $400
MILLER
Oi! It’s the Doctor’s turn still.
LOKI
Is it?
Is it really?
Who even knows anymore?
(Miller seems confused as she tries to figure out what is going on.)
ALEXBOT
This author of The Great Gatsby, was part of the “lost generation,”
probably the only member Millennials have heard of.
LOKI
Who was F. Scott Fitzgerald?
ALEXBOT
Ye-ye-yes
DOCTOR
Aren’t we being unfair to Millennials?
LOKI and MILLER
Nah…
TBC