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Chapter Text

As Leo and Percy were discussing the dark prophecy at camp, Percy glanced at the setting sun. “I gotta get home,” he said. “Annabeth and I will probably visit camp during the weekend, though. She wants to punch you for disappearing on us.” 

Leo winced, as though he could feel the pain already. “Oh, hey, how is she, by the way? You said she had a family emergency a while ago. Everything okay?” 

“It’s all been taken care of. She’s back in New York now,” Percy grinned. “Just busy with school and designing Olympus, and… actually…” he said, “why don’t we surprise her? It might also lessen the blow when she tackles you.”

Leo would be so grateful for that. That girl could throw a mean punch.

Percy pulled a drachma out of his pocket and manipulated the water from his glass to create a rainbow. (Annabeth must have taught him a trick or two.) After making a silent prayer to Iris, Percy tossed the coin. He moved out of the way so Leo would be out of the frame.

As the scene came into focus, they heard music. 

—found a lover, to carry more than just my secrets

A young blonde woman appeared in shorts and a varsity jacket with the name “Jackson” emblazoned on the back. Percy’s eyes lit up when he saw her. Annabeth was currently in what Leo recognized as Percy’s parents’ living room, slightly swaying and softly singing along to the song playing in the background. 

To carry love, to carry children of our own

And on her chest, cradled in the warmth of her arms, was a dark-haired baby in a bundle of blankets. Leo’s jaw dropped to the floor. His eyes bulged. They had a baby? Already? 

Annabeth didn't seem to notice the IM. She was still crooning to the infant, baby bottle in hand. 

We are still kids but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

Leo tried to reason through it. Considering he’d been gone for six months and that more than a month had passed since then, that meant Annabeth had been over a month pregnant at the end of the battle… meaning that when she and Percy fell… she was already…. The thought made his heart clench. Had they even known at the time? 

I know we’ll be alright this time 

Darling, just hold my hand 

It seemed a lot had changed. Annabeth’s blonde, curly hair was loose but tamed. She was barefoot. It was the most domestic she’d ever looked. Percy watched them in awe, not wanting to interrupt them. 

At least one good thing came out of the war, Leo thought. Percy and Annabeth had never appeared so calm and unworried before. He was happy for them. They deserved some P&Q—a normal life. 

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes 

Leo's mind then turned to a more amusing thought: Their sleepovers on the Argo II must not have been so innocent after all. 

But why didn’t anyone bother to tell him the news these last several weeks? Maybe Percy and Annabeth were keeping it a secret, since monsters were always hunting them? Was that it? Did anyone else even know? Was this the “family emergency” she’d been caught up in?

Baby, I—

“OW!” The baby had grabbed a golden lock and pulled it. Annabeth silently mouthed an impressive range of swears, not wanting to curse in front of a child. She set the baby bottle down and pried the child’s hands from her hair, positioning it behind her shoulder, out of the baby’s reach. The baby just gurgled. Annabeth shook her head at her, smiling. “You think you can get away with that just because you're so cute, huh?” 

“Hey,” said Percy finally. “You okay?”

Annabeth turned towards his voice. “Percy!” his girlfriend answered excitedly but softly, smiling back at him. 

Speaking gently, perhaps fearing he’d otherwise startle the child, Percy asked, “How are you? How’s everyone? And how’s this little squirt doing?” 

“We’re all doing well. I'm great,” Annabeth responded. “This munchkin though was shrieking at the top of her lungs earlier, but tugging my hair seems to calm her down. She's been threatening to give me bald spots all day. Your mom said there might be a fixation for blondes infused in Jackson blood.” 

Percy snorted. “Of course she did.” 

“I convinced her to go to the spa,” Annabeth told him. “Paul’s picking up her up now. So it's up to just me to be the little one’s furnace. She’s apparently still having temperature control issues. Poor thing.” 

Annabeth directed her attention to the baby girl and snuggled the child. “Are you warm now, baby?” she cooed. 

The baby smiled. Annabeth kissed the top of her head. 

“Has anyone told you how awesome you are?” Percy asked in adoration. 

“You tell me every day, Seaweed Brain,” she replied. “I miss you, Percy. You better come home soon.”

“I will, I promise. But first, look who’s here!” 

Percy motioned Leo over. 

Into the frame of the IM stepped a stunned elfish Hispanic boy, who blurted, “You’ve been busy, I see.” 

But Annabeth paid no attention to his comment. “Leo!” she half-squealed, half-whispered. “Oh my gods, you’re actually back! I missed you!”

“Just don’t judo-flip me over your shoulder. I’m already bruised enough from everyone else’s punches. I haven’t even seen Jason yet. Or Piper. Holy Hephaestus, she’s gonna kill me!” he said with a look of sheer terror in his eyes. 

“Oh, and congrats for—” Leo glanced at the baby again. “What’s her name?” 

As Percy gave him thanks, a grinning Annabeth turned her focus back to the baby. “Her name is Estelle,” she said. 

Leo, now with a straighter head, turned to Percy. “Dude, wow. This… is a huge effing deal. Must've been a big surprise.” He wasn't usually this mushy… but maybe just this once. “I am really, really happy for you guys. Congrats.” He clapped Percy on the back. 

“Thanks, man.” 

“Who does she look like?” Leo asked, turning back to the IM.

“Like Percy’s mom,” Annabeth said, with a tender gaze at Estelle. “But Sally herself says Estelle’s looking more and more like Percy when he was a baby. She is truly precious.” The usually scary blonde chick held up the baby’s tiny hand and kissed the back of her palm.

“Yo, Annabeth. This is the least scary I’ve ever seen you,” Leo noted. “Motherhood looks good on you.”

“Ha. Ha,” Annabeth deadpanned.

There was some noise on Annabeth’s end, causing her to suddenly turn away.

“Hey, Sally! Where’s Paul? And how was the spa?”

Leo heard Percy's mother reply in the distant background. “Hello, sweetheart! Paul’s helping Mrs. Torres with her groceries. He’ll be here in a few. And the spa was wonderful, thank you.”

“Hey, Mom!” Percy called out.

Sally greeted her son. “Annabeth is the best! She gave me a spa gift certificate. Thank you again, dear,” Sally told Annabeth. “I really needed some time to relax.” 

Annabeth smiled. “No problem at all.” 

“How’s Estelle?” asked Sally.

“She was a little screamy after you left, but perfect as always,” Annabeth replied. “She was probably just hungry. I gotta say, she has an appetite that rivals her brother’s.”

“Brother?” Leo wondered aloud. “Whoa, Annabeth! You have—what?—twins?”

“Twins? What? I have—?" Annabeth looked at him in horror. "Oh gods, no, she’s not mine!”

“Dude,” Percy said, cheeks tinged pink. “Estelle is my sister.”

Sally was laughing.

But... thought Leo. “Oh...” Sally was at the spa to get some rest, probably from the stress over taking care of a wailing baby. Annabeth also mentioned Paul. “Oh.” Estelle looks like Percy’s mom. “Oh, I see.”

“Is that Leo?” Sally asked, coming over to see the IM.

“Hi, Sally.” He cringed at his blunder. “I suppose congratulations are in order.”

“Thank you, Leo. It’s lovely to see you again!” she said. “I’ll send you some cookies.”

“Oh my gods, Leo.” Annabeth was still recovering from her shock. “Seriously?” 

“All this time you actually thought she was our daughter? ” Percy said. 

Leo’s flushed. “It did seem like it. Yo, if Piper or Jason or Frank or Hazel or Coach Hedge saw your sister alone with Annabeth wearing a jacket with your last name on it and without any sort of context while that Ed Sheeran song is playing in the background, I’m sure at least one of them would think the baby would be yours. And it was definitely a possibility! I mean, you mentioned Annabeth had a family emergency. And it’s been about nine months since your reunion, and who knows what you two lovebirds were actually up to on the Argo II during your not-so-secret sleepovers that Coach Hedge grounded you for?”

“We were in the stables. What on earth would we have been up to?” Annabeth argued, but was clearly mortified he brought it up with Sally present. Thankfully, Sally didn’t comment on it, although she was looking curiously at her.

“Well,” said Leo, “all I know is that Frank was scarred for life after walking in on you two doing whatever it was you were doing, and Hazel was absolutely scandalized. They couldn’t look either of you in the eye for at least a couple days. Maybe they knew something the rest of us didn’t.” 

“Frank squirms at the slightest form of PDA,” Percy pointed out, “and Hazel is from the 1940s. ’Nuff said.” 

“True… Of course, when you do have kids though, you have to name your first-born after me. Leo or Leona. Leonie? Ooh ooh! Make me their godfather. I’ll be their favorite uncle. The cool one, you know. Uncle Leo… I like the sound of that.” 

“Shut up,” Annabeth and Percy both said. 

Sally laughed. “You’d make wonderful parents though, with the way you two have been looking after Estelle. I’ve been picturing blond grandchildren since you were twelve.” 

“Mom!” Percy exclaimed. Annabeth just blushed. Leo snorted in amusement. Sally grinned at her son unapologetically.

“Come home in time for dinner, Perce,” Sally said. “Annabeth and I are going to make cookies.” 

Percy took that as a cue to leave. (His mother’s baking was always an effective bribe.) After bidding each other goodbyes and ending the call, Leo said, “Okay then. You’re not a dad.” 

“Nope.” 

“So…” Leo grinned. Waggling his eyebrows, he asked, “When are you lovebirds gonna get hitched?” 

Percy rolled his eyes, but there was no mistaking his smile. Leo shook his head. Man, that boy was so whipped. 

Chapter Text

Scrolling through the photo gallery on his laptop, Leo spotted a pic of Annabeth making for eyes at Estelle. Nothing wrong here. Leo dragged the photo into a folder. 

Percy carrying Estelle in front of the living room wall specked with family photos? No. Not that one. Leo didn’t want to take the chance. 

Annabeth and Percy making their googly eyes? Yes, definitely. 

Leo continued his cherry-picking. Even without the help of the background crooning of Ed Sheeran or Percy’s varsity jacket donned over Annabeth’s shoulders, it wouldn’t take that much to reach the conclusion that Estelle was a Percabeth baby. A Percababy. 

Leo stitched together clips and plopped in the pics he’d selected. Jumpcut here… overlay there…. Oh, yeah, and he’d censor Annabeth’s potty mouth, too. 

“Uhh, Leo, why are you watching videos of Annabeth Chase?” 

Leo glanced up to meet the eyes of the blond mortal god perched beside him on a cafeteria bench at Camp Jupiter. 

To their right, Calypso perked up and shot him some kind of look, which he pretended not to notice. 

He’d rather face three dozen Stymphalian birds than be dragged into the mine of awkwardness that lingered between one of his best friends and his girlfriend (and gods, he still couldn’t believe Calypso wanted to date him). Playing dumb seemed like his best bet at keeping his treasured ties to both. So, nope, nothing to see here. 

“There’s a bet we have on how the rest of the gang will react to her and Percy’s secret daughter,” Leo said. 

Calypso’s brows lifted an inch. “Secret daughter?” 

“What?” said Apollo. “Hold on.” He snapped loudly and with a finger pointed at Leo, declared, “Are you talking about Percy’s sister? That must be Sally Jackson’s daughter.” He seemed smug about knowing that. 

But Leo simply grinned as he continued his video editing. “The rest don’t know that,” he said. “Apollo, you know Sally Jackson?” 

Apollo scoffed with much indignation. “Of course, I do! That woman is practically a goddess. Her cookies are almost as scrumptious as ambrosia. When I needed some patching up, I visited the Jackson residence with Meg. Sally was huge. Yeesh. I can’t believe mortals put themselves through that.” Apollo shook his head with a haunted look in his faraway eyes before his gaze snapped back to Leo. “Wait a second. Did you think Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase had a daughter they hid from everyone?” 

Leo chose not to respond to that. “That’s what Pipes, Hazel, Frank, and Coach Hedge will think,” he said. 

“But she’s not Percy and Annabeth’s daughter,” said Apollo. 

“Like I said,” Leo replied. “They don’t know that.” 

He continued to scroll through his selected images and order the videos. There was no sight of Sally or Paul—just Percabeth and the supposed Percababy. Perfect. 

Calypso sighed. “Leo, you’re being ridiculous,” she said. 

Oh, indeed he was. He was Leo Valdez after all, not your regular José Garcia. 

“Just you wait,” Leo said. “This is gonna be good.” 

With still eight minutes left to prepare his masterpiece, Leo tested a minuscule camera he’d developed with his siblings in Bunker Nine, and fixed the device to his shirt. He’d video the team’s reactions, of course—for proof and for the LOLs. 

He was obviously going to win this bet. 

A couple minutes before showtime, Leo, Apollo, and Calypso gathered around Coach Hedge and the remaining three of the seven. Three of them. 

Leo searched the scene. “Wait. Where’s—?” His chest burned as he faltered. “Right.” Leo took a moment and cleared his throat. “So, people. I got something to show ya.” 

Leo hit play, garnering the attention of his friends. On his black screen popped up his past self. 

“Greetings, New Romans! And Piper and Coach Hedge,” video-Leo said. “I am at the Jackson residence right now. Water Boy’s here in the kitchen making us all food.” 

The camera swiveled to show Percy Jackson, his unruly hair more tame than usual. He wore an apron that read, I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry. 

“What’s in the works, man?” Leo asked. 

“Spanakopita,” Percy said. 

“He makes better spanakopita than what we get at Camp Half-Blood,” came Annabeth’s voice in the background. 

“The trick,” Percy said, “is to get the water out of the spinach before putting it on the phyllo, so that the dough doesn’t get soggy. Piece of cake for me.” 

“Cool, cool. Keep cooking, my dude,” Leo said, camera back on him. “While that’s going on, let me hang with Annabeth. She’s gonna introduce you to someone special.” 

Jumpcut to a closeup of Annabeth. 

“Hey, everyone,” Annabeth told the camera. “Say hello to this little cutie.” 

The camera panned down to Estelle Blofis, nestled in Annabeth’s arms. 

In Camp Jupiter, eyes bulged and jaws dropped. Ah. If only Annabeth could see. 

Video-Annabeth had no care. 

“Her name is Estelle,” she said sweetly. “We also call her Stell or Stella. She’s everyone’s favorite person right now.” 

“Who does she look like?” Leo asked. 

“Mm. She looks a lot like Percy’s mom,” Annabeth emphasized, “but with black hair instead of brown.” 

“So she looks like Percy?” Leo prompted. 

Annabeth shrugged a bit. “A little.” 

“And how old is she exactly?” Leo asked. 

“Twenty-two days and five hours as of right now. Right, Percy?” 

“Uhh. You’re asking me?” Percy said. “I trust you to do the math, Wise Girl.” 

Leo remembered having to cut off Annabeth’s “You saying that isn’t going to do us any favors” and Percy’s “Okay, but I really can’t do the math in my head”. That decision did some good, it seemed. Leo’s audience remained frozen in shock. 

On camera, Estelle blinked in Annabeth’s arms. 

“You know, Annabeth, every time I see you now, you’re cuddling her,” video-Leo then said. 

Leo had taken the liberty to edit out Annabeth’s glare. 

“Oh, we all love cuddling her,” Annabeth said. “Estelle’s been wrapped up in a hug for most of her waking life because she needs some warmth to help regulate her body temperature. And that’s because she was born a little early, like the eager beaver she is, so she’s a little cold all the time. Luckily, she doesn’t cry when I have to carry her, though.” 

Leo had done his best to balance out Annabeth’s pointed remark by overlaying more clips of Percy and Annabeth cuddling Estelle. 

“She seems to love everyone,” Percy tried to help. 

“Except Leo,” Annabeth cut in. 

Percy snorted. “That’s true. She keeps crying when Leo holds her.” 

“Hey!” Leo said. “When I played peekaboo, Estelle didn’t cry. Percy told me she cried for so long when he did it.” 

“She hasn't learned object permanence yet,” Annabeth said. “That’s why she cries when Percy does it. She thinks he’s gone when she can’t see him. If she didn’t cry when you did it, she probably doesn’t give a hoot about your existence, Leo.” 

Leo shook his head. “That’s low.” 

“Leo, I very much care that you’re alive. It’s this one who doesn’t,” Annabeth said. 

More snapshots. More commentary from Percy and Annabeth about Estelle’s developments. And, once more, a clip of Estelle nestled in Annabeth’s arms. 

“Look at this face, guys!” Leo said. “She’s frickin’ adorable! Come visit Estelle, folks. And be a dear and bring something for her. Her parents are too awesome for you not to. Right, you two?” 

Leo had cut the clip at Annabeth’s grin at video-Leo—right before the part where she sang praise upon Estelle’s unnamed parents—and the video ended with a picture of a gurgling Estelle grabbing Percy’s finger. 

At Camp Jupiter, Leo had watched his friends from behind his laptop. While Calypso looked on in disapproval, a humored Apollo nodded furtively at Leo’s glorious edits. 

A dumbfounded, wide-eyed Hazel could only muster “Oh. Oh wow.” 

“They… said they didn’t… do anything,” blubbered the blushing, burly Frank. “They said they just…. They actually….” 

Piper managed to pick up her jaw off the floor. “I IM Annabeth every other week. She never said anything. And she never looked like she was showing.” 

Frank turned to Leo. “When did she say Estelle was born?” 

“Less than a month ago,” Leo said. 

“You know, she did say she had a family emergency,” Piper said. “Was that why she didn’t call me? She said she was out of state, though.” 

“What if that was the cover?” Frank suggested. 

“But why didn’t they tell us before?” said Hazel. 

“Maybe they didn’t even know,” Frank shrugged. “Have you heard about those surprise babies—when the woman doesn’t even know she’s pregnant until she gives birth?” 

Apollo’s brows rose. “At that size?”

The traitor. He was supposed to be helping. 

Leo shot him a look. “They’re not always so big,” he said. 

“But it’s been about a month!” Piper said. 

“Maybe they just wanted some time alone,” Hazel suggested. 

Frank tried to cover up a snicker. “Like in the stables,” he muttered. 

“They really were rolling in the hay,” Coach Hedge tutted. Frank’s comment seemed to have snapped Coach Hedge out of a daze… before the satyr took yet another round through the stages of grief. “No. No, that can’t be…” 

“Look at her, Gleeson!” Apollo said gleefully. “She looks like Percy. She has those little troublemaker features. Look at that smile!” 

Judging by the ruddy color of Coach Hedge’s face, it seemed the Fates spun the wheel and landed on anger. 

“Holy Hera, he impregnated her?” Coach Hedge spat. “Gods, he couldn’t keep it in his pants?” 

Leo could no longer hold in his grin. Oh, Percy was going to be so embarrassed. 

“I told them. I told them!” roared Coach Hedge. 

“You only ever promoted abstinence, Coach, and every reasonable person knows abstinence education doesn’t work,” Piper said. 

“Don’t they at least know safe sex practices? Use the damn condoms! The pull out method doesn’t work!” he exclaimed with a bleat. “Oh Zeus. This is my fault, isn’t it? Maybe if I gave you all the talk and told you about protection…. Hades, I should’ve handed out condoms to you all. I should’ve known better.” 

Not one pair of eyes met another. Even Leo’s face reddened. 

“Well, now you all know! See this?” Coach Hedge pointing at the smiling baby on the screen. “This is what happens when you can’t control your teenage hormones!”

“Coach Hedge, just be happy for them,” Piper said. “Oh gods, look at her. She’s precious!” 

At her request, Leo showed more footage of Annabeth and Percy with Estelle. 

While Frank blushed again, muttering about blankets and bay doors, Hazel and Piper aww-ed at Estelle. How stereotypical that the girls would go goo-goo. Some female instinct maybe? Coach Hedge, however, still refused to see any more pictures or videos of “Jackson’s sea spawn”. 

“Coach, come on. Look,” Piper said at the image of Percy feeding Estelle from a bottle.

Hedge looked. “She’s like a barbarian.”

“She’s a baby!” Piper protested. “She gets hungry.” 

Coach Hedge turned his gaze away, fixing it on any place but the laptop. The curses he sent Percy under his breath turned to near yells: “Jackson, I’m coming for you. I have a collection of sharp knives. I’ll have your hide!” 

“Coach Hedge! We will not tolerate any such violence in New Rome. Who are you threatening?” said Reyna, approaching them from the entrance to the cafeteria. 

“Percy,” Leo told her. 

“What for? Isn’t he in New York?” Reyna said. 

“Yeah. We’re looking at pictures and videos of Percy and Annabeth and the baby.” 

“Baby?” Reyna said. 

“Yup.” 

Reyna’s eyes narrowed. “Whose baby?” 

“Annabeth and Percy’s,” Frank answered. 

Oh, man, Leo thought. This was so much better than he’d expected. 

Leo let his grin free, covering it up with a “Look how adorable she is!” 

Reyna’s eyes narrowed at Leo. “I’m not going to fall for your jokes, Leo. Annabeth wouldn’t.”

“No, seriously, Reyna. Look!” said Hazel. 

After studying Leo’s cherry-picked snapshots, she eventually said, “We should congratulate them.” 

“Congratulate—? She’s a teen mom!” Coach Hedge wailed. “She could have been on 16 and Pregnant for Zeus’s sake! I failed her. She had a bright career ahead of her before he just had to derail her plans. Although, honestly, you’d think she’d know better than be sidetracked by Jackson. Architecting for Olympus. Studying in Berkeley…. And now…. But no. She can still do it. If there’s anyone who can…. Oh. Sweet Annabeth. My baby girl. She’s too young to be a mama!” 

No mortal, demigod, satyr, nymph, god, monster, or whatever thought of Annabeth as a sweet baby girl. Coach Hedge must’ve been having a real meltdown. 

“He is talking about the same Annabeth, yes?” Apollo asked. “That scary blonde one in the video?” 

“Coach, she’s seventeen,” Leo said. “You don’t have to go all papa bear. She’s not a kid or your baby girl.” 

“Shut up, Valdez. You’re all my babies. Except Jackson. What a—” 

Coach Hedge called him something Leo wouldn’t have dared repeat to anyone’s abuela. 

“Coach Hedge, I’m sure Annabeth had a say in this, too,” Piper said. “If I can be frank, this is pretty sexist.” 

“You’re Piper, though. We already have a Frank,” Leo said, receiving eyerolls from just about everybody. 

Coach Hedge pouted. “It just makes me sad you’re growing up and leaving,” he said tearily. “I don’t want you to grow up too fast. I’ve already lost one of you for good.” 

In the silence that fell upon them as they remembered their fallen hero, Leo wondered for how long he would hurt. 

In the middle of exchanging memories from Camp Jupiter, the Wilderness School, Camp Half-Blood, and the Argo II, Coach Hedge blew up yet again. 

“And all that while she was gestating his sea spawn!” Coach Hedge thundered. “On my ship!” 

“My ship,” Leo said. 

Coach Hedge ignored him. 

“Gleeson, when you’re young and in love, you don’t think about the consequences,” said Apollo, receiving an elbowing from Calypso. 

Frank’s face pinched. “I just did the math. If it’s been a month…. I mean, less than nine months ago, they were in… Tartarus,” he whispered. 

Reyna swore. “That can’t have been good for them.” 

“Are mother and baby okay?” Coach Hedge said, distraught. 

“They all seem okay,” Leo chose to say. 

“New Rome will be nice for them,” said Reyna. “We’ll take care of all of them here.” 

Coach Hedge nodded as he sniffled. “They deserve the best. They really do. They can go on playdates with my little one. I’ll even babysit Estelle when they’re studying.” 

At that point, Leo realized that this was really getting too far. With a sigh, he pulled up another video. “Okay, I gotta show you something.” 

Annabeth had recorded a video as a message, sitting on a coach beside Percy:

“Hey, all of you. Leo was being a little—” She covered Estelle’s ears. 

Leo had censored his friend with a bleep.

“When he first saw Estelle,” Annabeth said. “Well, Leo being Leo thought she was our kid. But I know that you know she’s actually Percy’s sister because you are all intelligent people of sound mind—especially you, Coach Hedge.” 

Piper, Frank, Hazel, Reyna, and Coach Hedge were sheepish enough to feel like ostriching their whole selves into the ground. 

“We had a bet on what you’d believe,” Annabeth said. “Leo obviously lost, and you can ridicule him for being so delusional.” 

“We obviously wouldn’t have a kid at seventeen,” Percy said. 

“He’s just a silly little elf, isn’t he, Stell?” Annabeth cooed to the baby before grabbing a spanakopita pastry off screen and shoving a chunk into her mouth. 

“And if you did lose the bet?” Leo said.

Annabeth rolled her eyes as she chewed. “I’m not going to,” she said through a mouthful. 

“But what if?” 

Annabeth directed her steely gaze at the camera. “Well, anyone who doubts my judgment and sense can prepare to make acquaintance with my drakon bone blade.” 

Chagrined looks then morphed into fury directed at Leo. Then into relief at the falsehood and merriment at the peace the couple had found. With the incident, they needed a little joyful news in their lives and reasons to still hope and keep laughing. Reasons like Estelle. 

“No thanks for making me panic, Valdez,” Coach Hedge said. “But thanks to your terrible joke, we’re reminded how much you kids need some very necessary education. I’m going to tell you how to do the hokey pokey.” 

“Oh no,” Leo breathed. 

Hazel looked around. “What’s the hokey pokey?” she said, leaving Leo to wonder if that hadn’t been around during her childhood. 

Apollo began to sing. “You put your right hand in, you put your right hand—” 

“Not that hokey pokey!” Coach Hedge said. “I’m talking about how to rumbusticate.” 

Piper eyed the satyr. “Is that even a real word?” 

“And is this really necessary?” Leo added. 

“Yes and yes.”

“What does it mean?” Hazel asked Frank. A silently spluttering Frank wouldn’t say. 

“You know. Engaging in a little dipsy-doodle,” Coach Hedge told Hazel. “A little bouncy-bouncy, a little frickle-frackle, a little rumpy-pumpy, a little slap-sloppy.” 

His clarifications did nothing to help her. 

And as amused as Leo was, he’d gotten what he needed. “I’m outta here. Adiós,” he said with a salute, and began gathering his stuff.  

“Sit back down!” barked their chaperone. 

Leo sat back down. 

“This is important,” Coach Hedge said. “I can’t stop any of you from attempting to parallel park underage, but it is vital that you all know how it goes, especially so you don’t end up planting the parsnip and baking a potato. So. First and foremost, before anyone puts a banana in your fruit salad or rubs bacon with you, first ask what they want. Yes means yes. Take anything else as a no. It’s best to be 100% sure. Got it?” 

Everyone nodded. 

“I said got it?” 

“Yes, chef!” Leo exclaimed. 

Coach Hedge glared them all down until he received confirmation from each individual. “Point number two,” he said. “It also has to be nice. You can’t just go plowing through the bean field, boys. Test the humidity first.” 

Frank was so red. Hazel was still confused. Piper took pity and began to translate in her ear. Hazel began to look horrified. 

Like a drill sergeant, Coach Hedge paced in front of them, shouting his instructions. “Before you play pelvic pinochle, the field needs to be damp before the plowing,” he said, as seriously as he’d talk about survival tactics. “That’s something a woman can do herself, although the partner can certainly help. Then you can get to the boinking. As for techniques, I’ll teach you everything, from boppin’ squiddles to the four-legged foxtrot to going heels to Zeus. Take notes if you need to.” 

“I have children,” squeaked a squirming Apollo. “I should not be subjected to this mode of torture.” 

“I think I’ll be going, too,” said Calypso.

“I have a council meeting in five minutes,” Reyna said. 

“Sit your butts down!” Coach Hedge commanded. “Reyna can go. The rest of you stay.” 

All pairs of jealous eyes followed Reyna as she retreated in triumph. 

“This is completely your fault, Leo,” Calypso glared at him. 

“Now, where were we?” said Coach Hedge. 

“Techniques,” Apollo offered. 

“Right! What I’ll tell you all should be enough knowledge for you to be comfortable with paddling up Coochie Creek and opening the gates of Mordor. Now, I’m not saying you should be locking legs and swapping gravy—” 

Leo gagged amongst a chorus of “EW”s.  

“—but at least you’ll be informed.” 

Slumping in his seat, Leo cursed himself. Percy and Annabeth might have lost the bet, but Coach Hedge’s lecture sure as heck was going to be so much worse.