Archive of Our Own ^beta

"everything's gonna be okay"

"you just have to stay strong"

"don't give up"

"it's gonna be alright"

that's what everyone says

when i ask for help.

and to be honest: it sucks.

do you wanna know why?

because they expect me to believe in their words

even though they probably don't have faith in them themselves.

you know,

it's kinda funny how all of this turned out.

it's almost been a year.

10 months an 15 days, to be exact.

is it weird that i keep counting the days?

or do you do that, too?

sometimes,

in the middle of the night,

when i lie in bed,

unable to fall asleep,

my mind filled with the thought of you,

i ask myself:

would it have turned out differently

if i hadn't let you make all the decisions?

or would it stilll be the same?

i still remember the first time i met you

as if it was one week ago.

it was in august.

we were both really excited

because it was our first day in elemenatry school

and we both wanted to  find new friends as soon as possible.

you smiled all the time,

showing those cute bunny teeth

and when our teachers walked away and sat on a bench on the playground of the School,

keeping an eye on us,

you came up to me

and you said hello to me.

you told me your name

and you said that you wanted to be my friend.

i was more than happy  to hear that

because you were the first friend i had made in elementary school

and as soon as i agreed and smiled back  at you

you  started giggling.

"what's wrong? why are you laughing at me?", i pouted.

"your smile is cute", you answered. "it looks like a small box!"

since that day

you kept on saying that i had a box smile

and whenever you asked me to smile

i didn't hesitate to show  it to you.

say...

do you still think my smile is cute?

or do you hate it

just like you hate me?

yesterday,

when i got home from school

and all i wanted to do

was sleep,

i couldn't.

not only because my insomnia got worse

and kept me awake at night

but also

because i couldn't stop thinking about you.

i know,

this sounds really crazy

but do you still remember the day

you told me,

for the first time,

that you liked me?

it was in third grade in elementary school

and,

to be honest,

we were children

so it wasn't something that special

bbut somehow

i couldn't ignore the immense happiness that rushed through my body

when those four small words left your mouth.

"tae, i like you!"

and if my heart wouldn't be aching so much,

i'd probably still feel that happiness deep inside me.

"taehyung"

"yes mom"

"did you already do your homework?"

"of course i did"

"are there any tests you need to study for?"

"no i wrote the last one before break starts last tuesday"

"how did it go?"

"okay i guess. but im not really sure if it will be a c or better"

"you need to get better taehyung. i wont accept another d"

yeah.

because my grades are the only thing

you really care about.

i bet

that you still didn't notice

the few cuts on my arm

right?

today,

hoseok asked me

if everything was okay.

i don't know what made him think

that something was not okay

- because honestly,

there are so many things that are going wrong at the moment

that i'm still trying to figure out

how he didn't notice any sooner -

but i just rolled my eyes and said

"of course, bro, everything's fine. still trying to figure out how i should explain my mom that i got an f for my assignment but that's it"

he didnt ask any further

and to be honest

it kind of

made me

sad.

when i came home today

the first thing my mom did

was ask me

how the test and my assignment turned out.

i actually planned on telling her when she's in a good mood

or not tell her at all and just fake her signature

but when she looked at me

and kept on asking

i felt ashamed and i was kind of scared

because i wasn't really sure how she'd react.

so, when i told her

that i got an f for my assignment

and - as expected - a d for the test

she got really mad.

"you can't be serious taehyung!"

but i am

"why do you keep failing?"

i don't know

"lately all you do is get worse and worse in school!!"

i know

"you don't even study or do your homework, right?"

i do study

"and you even leave school early lately without giving a real reason"

i do have a reason

"it's always 'i didn't feel well'"

yeah because i don't

"but you never tell me why!"

why should i when i already know what your answer's gonna be

"what is wrong with you?"

what isn't?

"what did i do to deserve such a child??"

i am sorry

honestly,

i don't really remember

when exactly all of this started.

was it when we were in the same class in middle school,

still being best friends?

was it when hanging out after school

became a tradition?

was it when we started sitting in the back of the classroom

always talking gibberish and doing silly things?

was it when you started wearing black

and black only?

was it when you told me about the problems

you had with your parents?

was it when you told me

you wanted to have someone to just run away and spend the rest of your live with?

was it when you asked me

if i would be that person?

or was it

when you broke down in my arms

because your older sister had died?

when i saw your arms for the first time after your sister's funeral

and the 12 year old me didn't know how to react after seeing all the red lines?

when i asked you about it

and you tried to deny what you did even though it was obvious?

when you finally admitted it

and i tried to help you,

oblivious to the fact,

that i didn't know anything about what you were going through

because i was way too immature and naïve?

when you looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes

trying to make me promise

i wouldn't tell anyone?

or was it

just simply

when i realized

that

no matter how hard i tried

i couldn't seem to

let go of you?

"hey

long time no see"

would you be mad at me

if i said this when we met again?

i highly doubt that that would ever happen

so it's actually pretty dumb of me

to even think about what to say

right?

oh.

did i already tell you about that new kid in our-

my class?

his name is park jimin

and he moved to seoul one month ago.

he lived in busan before he came here.

as soon as i heard those words out of his mouth

i looked him directly in the eye,

because the only thing i could associate with busan

was you.

something with my expression must have been wrong

because when he caught me staring at him

the smile on his face fell a little

and he frowned.

i immediately looked out of the window again,

not really paying attention to the rest of the lesson.

the only thing i could think of

was you.

again.

"taehyung?"

"yes, jimin"

"why do you barely participate in class?"

"guess im just too lazy to raise my hand"

"and too lazy to write? or even pretend to pay attention?"

"maybe"

he sighed. "do you wanna talk about it?"

"talk about what?"

"about the thing that clearly seems to bother you. a lot"

"what are you talking about?" i fake laughed "i am totally fine, no need to worry"

"taehy-"

"it's okay, man. nothing i couldn't handle"

"are you sure?"

"yes"

he frowned. "i don't believe you"

"but you should. because everyone else does too"

"but just because everyone does doesn't mean it's true"

touché

"taehyung"

"jimin"

"are you free today?"

"yeah why?"

"wanna go home together?"

no.

"uhm, sure"

"nice! i'll wait in front of your lockers then"

"okay"

shit.

you know,

i actually didn't wanna go home with jimin.

it doesn't have anything to do with him as a person.

he was a kind and happy guy

who always tried to cheer others up.

i didn't really get to know him in the one and a half months he'd been here

but i already knew for sure

that i didn't want to be his friend

because he could read others too damn well

and even noticed i wasn't okay three days after we first met.

you see the problem, right?

if he had asked you the things he asked me

or if he had asked you to go home together with hin

you probably would have told him to "fuck off"

and "leave me the fuck alone"

or you would have just giveb him one of your very intimidating death glares

so that he wouldn't eveb dare to look at you again.

and if we still were friends i'd probably laugh at him

or wouldn't say anything at all.

but we aren't friends anymore,

so there's no need to try not to do anything

that could make you give me one of your death glares.

there's no need to try to make anyone like me, right?

because it doesn't matter what others think of me.

what a shame that,

no matter how often i tell myself these words

and

no matter how often i try to make myself believe them,

i am still trying.

the second time jimin and i walked home together

was even worse than the first time.

saying that i felt uncomfortable

wouldn't even describe half of how i really felt.

"so, taehyung"

- he always started like this when he got a new question -

"are you friends with hoseok? you two seem really close"

"yeah he is my ... best friend"

no more questions about hoseok

"so, teahyung"

"yeah, jimin?"

"do you still not want to talk about what's bothering you?"

i felt uncomfortable.

really, really uncomfortable.

and really, really bad for lying to him.

"there's nothing that's bothering me"

"then why do you not really pay attention in class?"

"too boring"

"is eating boring, too?"

that question caught me off guard.

why would he ask something like that out of nowhere?

or did he-

"taehyung, i am not blind. don't think i didn't notice that you never eat something during lunch break"

"i always eat before and after school, so no need to do that in school" - a lie

"taehyung, please"

"please what?"

"i am just trying to help you"

"thanks but i never said that i needed help"

"but-"

"i am fine!"

"no, you're not."

"none of your business"

"not yet"

"never"

"we'll see"

say,

how do you feel

when people keep asking you if you need help

or if you wanna talk about it?

somehow i feel kind of appreciated.

no, that's the wrong word.

special?

no.

noticed?

noticed.

i feel noticed.

i don't feel like everyone is forgetting that i am existing, too.

i don't feel like everyone is forgetting that i have feelings, too.

i don't know why

but i have to admit

that it kind of makes me happy

that jimin wants me to talk about my problems.

to be honest,

i would talk about it

- about you and hoseok and my parents and literally everything that makes me overthink at night.

i really would.

i actually really want to.

there is only one problem:

i promised you

that i wouldn't.

jimin asked me if i wanted to go to the halloween party of our school together with him.

not as a date.

just as friends.

he asked me during lunch break

and looked at me with the best puppy eyes he could make.

i felt bad for saying no,

because i hate disappointing others.

so when he asked me why

i only said

that i already have something planned.

but then he asked what that plan of
mine was

so i lied to him

telling him that my dad and i wanted to spend that day together,

just because i didn't know how to explain

that i wanted to stay home that night

doing nothing but watching horror movies.

because that's what we,

you and i,

always did on halloween

did i ever tell you

that i hate horror movies?

no?

well, now i did.

i hate them

almost as much as i hate myself

but i also love them

almost as much as i love you

because horror movies always gave me a reason

to show up in front of your door

without an idea of what to do.

because i always knew

that

no matter what the actual idea behind our 'date' was,

we would always end up on your bed,

your hot body pressed against my side,

head on my shoulder,

leg over leg,

with your laptop on my thigh,

illegaly streaming one of the new horror movies you found in the internet.

i hate horror movies

because

to be honest

they scare the living shit out of me

and make me have some of the worst nightmares i've ever had.

but as soon as i found out

that you love them

and as soon as it gave me a reason

to ask you for a movie night twice a week,

the idea of watching two or three of those things

wasn't that bad anymore

the day after halloween

it took a lot of my energy

to even get out of bed.

it was always hard for me,

considering that my insomnia didn't let me close my eyes for longer than a minute

and considering the fact

that everything was hard for me since you left.

but that day it was incredibly hard.

i shouldn't have watched all three movies of "the ring" plus "the ward".

i knew that it was a bad idea.

but the words

he loves them, he loves them, he loves them

appeared in my head over and over again,

so that in the end

i even watched two other movies, too.

i must have looked as tired and worn out as i felt

because when i entered school that day,

not only jimin

but also hoseok asked me

if everything was okay.

"yeah, just a little tired"

"yeah, we can see. it looks like you didn't sleep for weeks!"

years , actually

"shall i take you home?"

"no thanks my mom would kill me"

"but you are clearly sick! you need to rest"

"my mom doesn't think so"

"then at least go to the school nurse, maybe she can help you a little?"

"no thanks i'm fine"

hoseok sighed but didn't say anything after that.

jimin, however,

frowned and took my hand

which laid on top of the table

"no, taehyung, you are not", he said but i just pulled my hand out of his

and ignored him for the rest of the lunch break

"taehyung, why are you still in bed?"

"mom, can i stay home today?"

"what? no! why?"

"my stomach hurts really bad and it feels like my head could explode any second. please?"

"ugh, you can't be serious! what is even wrong with you, you really love doing this to your own mother, don't you?"

"i am sorry but please just this one day? please?"

"fine! but this is only an exception"

"yes i know mom thank you"

a lie.

that was all i told my mom.

a simple lie.

my stomach didn't hurt, i didn't feel like throwing up

and i didn't have a headache either.

i just didn't feel like going to school today

because i didn't think i could survive this day.

it is always hard for me to pull myself together and attend all my classes

but today was different.

i don't really know how i should describe it to you

but since you know me so damn well,

better than anyone else on this planet,

you should understand what i am trying to tell you,

right?

because when i opened my eyes today after maybe half an hour of sleep

i just knew that something wasn't right

and when i held my phone in my hand

to look at all the messages my internet friends sent me while i tried to sleep

i realized that today marks the day

you decided,

exactly one year ago,

what to do with the most precious thing i could give you.

you decided

that the heart i ripped out of my chest for you

wasn't oh so precious anymore

so the only thing you could think of doing

was

to break it

i don't know what came into me

and i swear to every god i can think of that i didn't want to do this

i really tried to stop myself

i really tried to stay in bed

i really tried to calm down

i really tried to text my internet friends

i swear i tried

but it didn't help

the comforting messages didn't help

the calm music i listened to didn't help

the hot coffee i drank didn't help

the deep breaths i took didn't help

nothing helped

nothing

not even a single thing.

the storm outside grew wilder

rain drops were visible on my window

and the sound of the thunder

helped me to come to my senses again

but it was already too late

because when i realized what i had done

jimin was already by my side

hugging me tightly on the floor of my bathroom

crying into my shoulder

asking why

over and over again

the only thing i could say was i am sorry

and please don't cry

and it's fine

but he didn't stop crying

nor pressing his jacket and shirt on my thighs

in attempt to make all the deep cuts stop bleed

why

that's all he could ask

and when he looked into my eyes

and i saw all the pain and sorrow and worry in them

it somehow threw me back into reality

and all my thoughts about you disppeared

and i realized that i've hurt the only person that truly cares

just because all i was able to think of

while standing in the bathtub

wearing nothing but my boxers and a white tee

sliding the blade over my scarred skin over and over again

was

because he hates me

since he didn't tell me at what time i should come over

i just decided to show up at about 6 pm.

it was his mother

who opened the door for me.

i felt slightly uncomfortable because i didn't know her at all

and i've never seen her before

but she had the same smile as jimin

which kind of made me calm down a little.

she didn't really bother talking to me, though.

just a bit small talk.

the usual.

then she showed me where jimin's room was

and as soon as he saw me

he sprang out of his bed and showed that big smile of his.

"you really came!"

"told you i would"

"i know, i know. come, sit down!"

he pushed me onto his bed and a couple of minutes passed

and all he did was stare at me

with that really bright smile on his face.

i kind of felt uncomfortable again.

you know how i am when i feel uncomfortable;

i blush a lot

and i don't really know why

but i always smile when i am embarrassed.

so that's exactly what i did in that situation.

jimin laughed and asked me then

if i wanted to play video games with him

and since i felt really, really, really uncomfortable

i just said yes to literally everything he wanted to do

even if i didn't want to.

it was around 7 pm when his mother interrupted us

because dinner was ready.

my heart skipped a beat and i immediately wanted to go.

so i stood up and told him that my mother just sent me a message

and that she wanted me to come home as soon as possible.

"don't get me wrong tae, but-"

"don't call me that"

"sorry, sorry. but you didn't touch your phone ever since you arrived here so please don't lie to me."

shit.

"and now come, dinner's ready. my mom makes the best food in the world, you'll love it!"

"y-yeah"

but the truth was,

i wouldn't.

not even a bit.

because food was just simply disgusting

and it normally only took me a little bite to throw up

so to say that i was scared of them either noticing i wouldn't eat or even forcing me to do so

was an understatement.

i was so nervous

my hands didn't stop shaking.

did you feel like this, too, when your parents wanted you to eat with them?

you didn't have to pretend in front of me,

because i knew about your bulimia and anorexia

so i didn't force you to eat,

i just tried to convince you that you should.

sometimes you did.

and i always pretended that i didn't hear you making yourself throw up in the bathroom.

did i ever tell you,

that that sound killed something deep inside of me

and that i always cried a little, when i knew exactly what you were doing?

say,

how would you feel,

if i had bulimia and anorexia?

would you be sad, too?

do you think it would make jimin sad?

or hoseok?

do you think i should at least try to eat something?

you tried for me

so maybe i should try for you, too, right?

the chopsticks in my hand,

i looked down at the rice and fish on the big plate in front of me.

"do you not like it, taehyung?", jimin's mother asked.

"no, no, i do like it! thank you very much for the meal, it's really delicious, mrs. park"

and again i felt really bad for lying

but i do it all the time

so shouldn't i be used to it by now?

whatever, that's not important right now.

i need to focus on eating at least a little bit of the food mrs. park made.

i need to try for you

because you always tried for me.

so i took a deep breath

and took a bit of the fish between the two chopsticks.

i can do this, i thought to myself,

trying to ignore the painful twists my stomach made.

only a small bite

i can do this

the twists got faster, i felt dizzy.

come on

for him

and just like that i shoved the food into my mouth and even though every little cell of me screamed at me to spit it out

i forced myself to chew and chew and chew and swallow.

the twists my stomach made stopped and for a second i thought that i made it and that i could eat at least a little more without throwing up today.

but the little happiness i felt in that moment shouldn't last long

because only five seconds later it started again, more violent.

i was so disgusted

i felt so sick

i just-

"can i use your bathroom?"

"of course, taehyungie, it's the door right next to jimin's"

"th- thanks"

i stumbled out of the room and as soon as i was out of sight

my feet made their way to the bathroom as soon as possible.

i didn't bother to lock the door

- i didn't have the nerve to wait any longer.

i didn't even have the strenght to stand any longer.

with a loud "bam" my knees hit the floor.

in the same second my fingers hit the back of my throat over and over again till i finally felt everything make its way out of my mouth

and even though i knew there was nothing more left and i already threw up everything that was there to be thrown up

i didn't stop shoving my fingers down my throat.

i felt bad.

i felt so damn bad for doing this.

i felt so damn bad for letting my bulimia win.

and i felt so damn bad for obviously not trying hard enough.

and the fact that jimin heard me

and came into the bathroom

and just held me in his arms while crying and telling me everything would be okay

didn't make me feel any better.

"it's gonna get better"

"everything's gonna be okay"

"you just have to stay strong"

"don't give up"

"it's gonna be alright"

that's what everyone says

when i ask for help.

everyone

but you.

i always hated asking you for help with my problems

because you obviously had it harder than me

and although i knew it i couldn't really stop complaining about the smallest things.

when i told you about the problems i had with my mother

and with hoseok

and school in general

and this one friend, who i am no longer friends with, because all he did, was hurt me,

you never said things like

"it's gonna get better"

or

"stay strong"

or some of the other things everyone else says.

the last time i talked to you about my problems was about 3 months before you left.

i wanted to talk to you about that one friend

because we three became friends together and you even fell for him

and he kind of fell for you

but then he broke your heart so you left him.

he really hurt me, too, probably without really wanting to

and i was so desperate because i didn't know what to do anymore.

"say, what do you think i should do?" i really hoped you could help me because i trusted you with all i had.

you were silent for a few minutes,

smoking your cigarette

and looking into the dark night sky above us.

the bottle of alcohol next to you on the ground was only half full

and i still remember,

that i was worried sick.

i never drank before so i didn't know at all how that felt

but i was worried that something could happen to you if i wasn't careful enough

so i tried to keep you by my side at all costs.

"you know, tae", you said, lighting another cigarette, "just fuck him."

"oh, please. the first person i'm gonna fuck will be you, babe", i joked, winking.

you chuckled. "if he hurt you, tae, then just let go of him. tell him what he did to you and let him regret doing such a thing to an amazing person like you"

"easier said than done. you know that i kind of like him and i really want to be friends with him."

"i know, tae. but you are worth much more than he's willing to offer. he isn't worth your time, he is an asshole that only disappoints others"

"so i should stay away from him?"

"hell, yeah! you are my panbab, if he hurts you one more time i'll slap him."

i laughed.

you did too.

oh, how i miss your laugh.

"but i am serious, tae", you said after a while.

"if you don't change something then everything will stay like it is now.
life is shit and no matter what you do, it will end with you dying
so you better try to fuck others more than they fuck you."

"aaaayyee, nice one"

you rolled your eyes and just took a sip of the alcohol.

"want some?"

"nah, thanks. can i hug you, though?"

you rolled your eyes again but i knew exactly what that meant

so i giggled

and pulled you closer,

throwing my arms around your neck.

you giggled, too

and held me by my waist.

i really, really miss your hugs.

the way you would hide your face in my neck

and let your fingers stroke my sides,

not moving for at least 10 seconds,

because none of us wanted to let go of the other.

"tae"

"mhm"

"wanna go home and watch a horror movie?"

i don't know what made me think of that while jimin held me in his arms

crying because i had made myself throw up the little piece of fish i ate.

but somehow thinking of you in that moment

made me have the worst panic attack i've ever had since the day you left.

no, no, no, no

not now, oh god, please, no

i didn't wanna have a panic attack

i didn't want jimin to see me break down again.

not now, damn it

my hands started to shake

my sight got blurry because of the tears

everything was spinning

and suddenly every oh so little sound seemed to tear my ears apart

my heart was beating so damn fast

and i couldn't breathe anymore

"tae? tae!"

no, stop

"oh my god, tae, why are you shaking so much?"

don't call me that

"oh my god, keep calm, okay? it's okay, i am here, i am not mad at you"

i wanted to answer,

wanted to give a reply,

wanted to say "it's not because of you, jimin"

but my mouth couldn't form any logical sentences.

"taehyung, you need to breathe, okay?"

jimin held me by my shoulders, trying to make eye contact

"breathe, okay? in"

pause

"and out"

pause

"in"

pause

"and out"

pause

"in"

pause

"out"

i'm not really sure if it were the breathing instructions he gave me

or just simply the way he held my hands, kissing my knuckles whenever he made a pause

but somehow i managed to calm down

only to break out in loud screams and tears afterwards.

this time it wasn't a panic attack.

it wasn't an anxiety attack.

it wasn't an attack in general.

it was all my worry

and anger

and sorrow

and love

and pain

and all the times i've kept my problems to myself

and didn't tell hoseok or jimin

and all the times i hurt you

that formed into a big lumb in my chest

that made me scream in agony.

it was all my self-hatred

you never told me

how shitty it makes you feel

when others tell you

that they worry about you

you never told me

how shitty it makes you feel

when others

cry because of you

you never told me

how shitty it makes you feel

when others tell you that they love you

but no matter how much you want to

you can't make yourself believe them

i visited her grave for the first time today.

no, wait

that's not true.

there's been a couple of times i walked by her grave

when i enjoyed the rain

but i never stood in front of it

and brought her flowers.

today, i did.

i even talked to her.

"your brother hates me", was the first thing that left my mouth

and after that i just brabbled about how much you missed her

and how you would visit her only on your birthday, her birthday and the day she died.

i told her

how much i miss you

and how much i regret everything i did.

"i wish time-travel-machines would exist"

and so i put the flowers down

and left

without telling her

that i am actually not really sure

if i would use such a thing

it was already after 10 pm

and i still didn't go home

because i didn't want to see my parents.

it's not that i hate them;

it's just that i am not really sure if i like them.

i always tell myself that they are my parents and that i should respect them because they did so damn much for me

but then i remember all the things they said and did to me

- bringing me to this world, for example.

yeah, it's true.

i never told you this, i know, and i am really sorry that i kept such a big thing to myself,

but even before you found out that you were depressed

i wished that i had never been born.

after all,

"life is shit and no matter what you do, it will end with you dying"

right?

so i always wanted to die,

i just didn't wanna kill myself before.

now i do

but i am just too afraid of doing it.

it sounds silly

but i am still hoping for better days

so in order to not miss them

i am still here.

i am not living, though.

i am only existing.

and i think that today was one of the days i realized how damn unfair life was

because when i walked into a dark alley

and all i could think of was you

i suddenly wanted to self-harm.

i just cut my thighs open a few hours ago,

in the men's bathroom of a shopping center, right after visiting your sister.

but the dark night sky above me

and my self-hatred swallowing me up,

made me roll up the sleeve of my jacket and shirt,

not caring about whether my parents could see them there or not,

and made me press the blade into my skin.

i didn't let it slide over it.

i just pushed it in, feeling the cold metal cut through my flesh

and a silent scream left my lips

as i tried to pull it out.

the wound was deep - really deep - and dark, red blood dripped onto the dirty ground.

it burned and i knew that it probably needed a few stitches, otherwise it wouldn't heal properly

but it felt so damn good

and let me forget you for a moment,

so i did it again and again and again,

until the only thing i could see was the colour red

no.

no, no, no and no.

fuck, no.

this isn't what i wanted.

this isn't what i thought of, when i made that decision yesterday.

hell, no.

i fucked up.

real bad.

fuck, no.

"taehyung?", i heard him say.

"hey, taehyung? can you hear me?" his warm fingers brushed against my cold ones but he didn't seem to care as he held my hand tightly in his.

"taehyung? are you awake?"

i wanted to sigh but i didn't because if i did, he'd knew that i was awake.

and honestly, i didn't want him to know.

i just wanted him to leave.

"i know that you are awake, taehyung, so please answer me."

shit.

why could he read other people so damn well.

"tae, please"

my eyes opened and i pulled my hand out of his. "don't call me that"

"finally!" a smile appeared on his face.

i groaned, pushing myself off of the uncomfortable bed, making some room for him to sit.

"what do you want?"

"i wanted to hang out with you"

"jimin."

"yes?"

gently, i put my hand on his shoulder, looking him dead in the eyes. "this is a mental hospital. you can't just show up because you want to hang out."

"i know that", he sighed. "i wanted to visit you, okay?"

"no. and now go, please"

normally i wouldn't be this rude. not even to my best friend.

you know me well enough to know that i wouldn't say something like this, no matter how pissed i was.

but i really felt like shit at the moment

and the fact that it's been almost a whole month, since my "failed suicide attempt"

- which is kind of silly, because i didn't try to kill myself. i just tried to make the mental pain go away -

and since my parents found out and still didn't say anything but "if you wanted our attention you could have just asked, instead of pretending to be depressed" didn't make me feel any better.

so, honestly, i just wanted to be alone

and let myself drown in self-hatred and self-pity

because i didn't only lose you

but hoseok and my parents, too.

jimin frowned a little. taking my hand off his shoulder and into his own again, he said, "i am neither hoseok nor your parents, taehyung. i didn't do anything to hurt you. so why won't you let me see you and try to make you feel better?"

"because you don't even know what's wrong with me!"

"because you won't tell me and that's totally fine. i won't force you to talk about it."

"why are you like that to me?"

"because i love you."

"bullshit. you already said that when i was at yours, don't lie to me again."

"but i am not lying, taehyung."

"bullshit."

"i am telling the truth"

"just stop please!"

by now tears had started to stream down my face and jimin didn't hesitate even a second to come closer and kiss my face, catching every single one of them with his lips.

"i love you, taehyung"

and i felt so damn bad in that moment.

because even though i knew exactly that it was jimin who said those words to me and that it was him who held my hands, and him, who hugged me tight,

i still wished that it was you.

i was always scared of being put in a mental hospital, you know?

whenever i came to visit you in here

i was really nervous and i felt really uncomfortable, too.

i always wanted to go home as soon as possible

but then i saw you and i didn't wanna leave ever again.

it made me really sad to see you in your room, sitting on your bed with a bunch of papers on your lap.

"whatcha doin'?" i once asked, pointing to the said thing that laid on your desk that one day.

"the papers? oh, my psychiatrist told me to write down my thoughts whenever i want to self-harm." you shrugged and grabbed the papers.

"can i read one of them?"

"uhm", you looked at them, "sure. let me pick one out, wait."

it took you ten minutes to find a small piece of paper, that you thought was okay for me to read.

i patiently waited for you to give it to me.

you looked really cute as you went through them;

you bit on your bottom lip and i caught myself staring at your beautiful mouth for a couple of minutes and when i say that that wasn't the first time i thought about kissing you, i really mean it.

i am serious.

the first time was in the middle of the night, three years ago.

i was so worried about you, because you had just texted me because of that one friend you fell for that kinda fell for you, too, but broke you heart so you left him.

i was scared that you maybe would do something to yourself, so i ran over to you

- you can't even imagine how many times i thanked god for making you live literally 3 minutes away -

and i knocked on your door.

your parents weren't home,

your sister already gone,

so it took some time for you to open it.

when you realized that it was me, your cries and screams got even louder and you hugged me so damn tight, i thought i couldn't breathe anymore.

but if i would die in your arms, i thought, i wouldn't mind dying already,

so i didn't complain.

i just rubbed your back

told you that he wasn't worth your tears

because you deserved so damn much

and i reminded you of how much i loved you and that i'd always be there for you.

your parents came home while you were still hugging me.

they must have heard your cries in the whole apartment complex,

because when the front door opened, their hurried footsteps could be heard, followed by your name.

i didn't answer because i wasn't sure if it was okay for them that i was there in the middle of the night

but when they saw me, trying to comfort you,

their expressions softened and they looked really relieved.

your mother smiled at me and mouthed a small "thank you" before she left your room.

you probably didn't even notice that they came back, because a couple of minutes after you stopped crying,

you fell asleep.

did i ever tell you, how damn cute you look when you sleep?

no?

well, now i did.

because, i swear to god, you looked even cuter than any puppy i'd ever seen

and when i put the blanket over you,

i caught myself staring at your lips.

i still feel bed for thinking about kissing you, right after you broke down in my arms,

but since that day i couldn't stop thinking about what it would feel like, to kiss you.

i really wanted to do it,

but i never did,

because i was only your best friend

- nothing more, nothing less.

only your best friend.

the last time i visited you in a mental hospital,

was by far the best one.

you were really happy that day, probably because your (by the time you left me ex-) girlfriend had visited you a couple of hours before i did.

when i first heard about her, it made me really sad.

i wanted to be your special someone.

but i decided that being friends is still better than nothing at all, so i didn't show how hurt i was when i came to visit you.

"tae!", you screamed when you saw me and i smiled because i was happy that you didn't forget me just because of your girlfriend.

"hey, babe", i greeted you.

the usual.

we didn't talk much that day.

we just laid on your bed, your head on my stomach, my hand stroking your dark locks.

you seemed to be thinking about something, so i kept quite and just looked at you.

i didn't want to interrupt your thoughts

and i was totally fine with staring, anyways.

it wasn't a problem for me at all, don't worry.

say,

what did you even think about that day?

you never told me, even though i asked you about it a few times.

but it's okay, i guess.

i would never force you to tell me something.

you knew that.

at least you should, because i told you this probably a thousand times.

after about two hours of lying in that position, your mother came in because she wanted to visit you, too.

i actually wanted to stand up as soon as i saw her,

but you kept me in that position

and i remember that i was worried that she could find out that you are bisexual

but you told me later that day

that she wouldn't be suspicious

because it's only me,

your best friend since elementary school.

thanks.

i hadn't forgotten that.

"tae"

"don't call me that"

"but why? you never told me the reason"

"just don't call me that, okay, jimin?"

"but i wanna know why"

"none of your business"

"not yet"

"never"

"we'll see"

"jimin"

"yes, taehyung? you never called me before"

that's true. i never did.

it was always him who would call thrice a week.

i never used my daily free call on him.

i never used it in general.

but today was different.

i kinda felt lonely.

and i really needed someone to talk to.

"i was bored", i said

jimin laughed. "what a nice excuse. admit it, you missed me"

"no, i just really wanted to talk to someone and since you are the only friend i have left, i called you"

i am an asshole.

i shouldn't have said that.

he probably felt like the "last choice" after i said that and i really felt horrible for letting that go past my lips.

"just kidding. i do miss you"

that wasn't a lie, either.

i really wanted to hug him right now.

"ahh~, okay", he replied, pretending that my words didn't hurt him.

"what date is today?"

"uhm, may the 30th. why?"

"just because"

"i'll come and visit you this weekend. is that okay for you?"

"you don't have to visit me every week, jimin."

"but i want to!"

i sighed.

"did your parents already visit you?" his voice was quiet and kind of hesitant, as if he was afraid i could break out in tears again.

"no. but i don't need them to. they don't love me anways"

"no, taehyung, don't say that. i am sure they actually love you but just don't know how to show it"

i doubted it.

but i didn't say it.

one month later,

at the end of june,

i was finally allowed to leave the mental hospital

and the only thing i wanted to do, as soon as i was home,

was hurt myself.

i didn't care if it would be cutting, or bruising or biting or burning

- i just wanted to feel sane for a couple of hours again.

i expected, that my psychiatrist had told my parents to hide all the sharp objects, so i didn't think i could cut when i came home.

but surprisingly all my blades were where they were supposed to be and not even a single razor was hidden.

so

did my psychiatrist not tell them

or

did they just simply not care?

i started going to school again.

hoseok ignored me,

which really fucking hurt,

my whole class looked at me as if i was a zombie

and jimin didn't leave my side,

not even for a second,

especially not when i left to use the bathroom.

when i asked him why, he only said "because i love you" but that doesn't explain anything at all.

i knew that he was just doing it, because he was too worried, that i might try to self-harm or kill myself again.

i kind of felt appreciated and loved,

because he really seemed to care,

but the fact that i made him worry so much about me

made me want to cut even deeper.

i hated making others worry

i hated disappointing others.

and while cutting i did both of those things.

so i cut again, to punish me for disappointing him and making him worry.

it doesn't make any sense, right?

neither does my life,

so here i am,

trying to figure out,

whether i should attempt to kill myself or not.

"so, taehyung"

"hm"

"wanna go to that house party together with me? it's on friday"

"why should i?"

"oh, come on, it'll be fun!"

"i never drank before"

"then it'll be my pleasure to introduce you to the different types of good alcohol"

"no, thank you"

"taehyung, please! i don't wanna go there alone"

"then don't go at all"

"you are very no fun"

"took you some damn long time to realize"

i knew that i shouldn't have done this.

i knew that i shouldn't have shown up in front of jimin's house, all dressed up for the party.

i knew that i shouldn't have done him this favour.

i fucking knew it.

because as soon as we arrived there i wanted to go home again.

everywhere were drunk people,

everyone was sweaty

and the huge group of people made me feel really uncomfortable and gave me lots of anxiety.

i hated people.

i hated being in big crowds.

so why did i think it would be a good idea to make jimin happy and go to this damn party with him?

you were right.

parties aren't my thing.

alcohol isn't my thing.

dancing isn't my thing.

you were totally right, when you told me, i should never go to a house party

or a club

because it would only give me anxiety

and it would only lead to an anxietey attack.

you were fucking right.

it took me 20 minutes to find jimin in this big ass house.

i was more than relieved when i saw him in the corner of a room, talking to some stranger.

"j-jimin!" i shouted his name, over and over again, until he finally heard me over the noise.

he turned his head around and looked at me, eyes growing bigger as he realized, how close to breaking down i was.

without a second thought he ignored the stranger, grabbed my hand and lead me through hot and sweaty bodies, pressed together against some walls, trying to find an empty room.

but i didn't even take notice of all of that anymore.

i didn't even really take notice of how jimin lead me to another empty room and opened the window and honestly, i don't know how, but i somehow managed to climb onto the roof together with him, though my hands were still shaking.

"hey, taehyung, look at me", he said, gently grabbing my hands.

"taehyung, it's okay, i am by your side, no need to worry."

then he put his arms around me and whispered sweet, calming things into my ear.

he didn't stop.

he kept on doing this till i fully stopped shaking and till i was able to breathe again.

"thank you...", i whispered, pressing my face in his neck

no answer.

but i didn't mind.

jimin stroked my hair and kissed my head from time to time and eventually it made me feel so relaxed and save

that something in me thought it would be okay to finally accept his help,

to finally let him in.

i hope you won't be mad at me,

but i did let him in.

i did accept his help.

and i did tell him everything he needed to know in order to understand what made me become the person i am now.

i told him about the first day we met

and i told him about the first time you told me that you liked me, too.

i told him how even in elementary school my heart would always flatter at the thought of you

and that i even began questioning my sexuality because of you in second year of middle school.

i told him what happened to your sister

and what it did to you.

her suicide effected you in a way i didn't understand when i was 12 years old

but it was already too late for me to leave you

because i had already fallen too damn hard for you.

you got depressed and suicidal and i tried to be there for you whenever i could.

i never left your side, i always comforted you and i never stopped loving you.

but your depressions didn't only let you suffer.

without really noticing i fell into the same deep, black hole as you and trying to not let my own depressions show while trying to help you out of yours, was really exhausting.

it even made me so sick, that i talked without thinking and so i ended up accidentally telling the whole class that your sister committed suicide and that you were in a mental hospital several times because of all the failed suicide attempt.

you were so mad at me.

and you had every right to.

you slapped me.

not with your hands.

but with your words.

and you didn't forgive me.

you started hating me for being such a bitch.

i could totally understand, that you never wanted to see me again

so i was really surprised when you called me one day,

asking if we could meet in that one park.

of course i agreed

and of course i apologized over and over again.

you gave me a letter that you wrote for me

and i read it

and if you haven't been watching me

i would have broken down, crying on the floor because of how much i hurt you.

i still don't understand why you forgave me

but i was glad that you did

because after that day i could call you my best friend again.

i told this jimin and he just listened silently.

i also told him,

that you are my everything - my whole world and the only thing that keeps me alive.

that you owned my whole heart, and my only reason to live
would be you.

that your laugh made me feel so warm inside and your voice made me happy.

that you are the most beautiful human being i've ever seen and that i wished you would've known, because maybe then you wouldn't have been trying to starve yourself to death.

that i would have done eveything for you, even live, because death is only the end of all the suffering of live - but for you, i would have never died.

i told him,

that i love you with ervery thing i got and i miss you so damn much, even thinking about you hurts.

and then i finally told him about the day,

you texted me,

telling me that you never wanted to see me again.

i was shocked and paralyzed.

i didn't know what to say.

"why?" i asked.

"as if you don't know." even through the text i could feel your death glare on me. "you hurt me so damn much and i am just so scared that you'll hurt me again and honestly, i don't need such people in my life. i can't call you my friend if i am living with the constant fear, that you aren't worth my trust. i can't do this."

"i won't hurt you again, i promise. i love you"

"yeah, well, i don't love you. i hate you. so leave me the fuck alone"

in that moment,

the moment i read those lines,

the only small world i had built inside of myself, got destroyed

and i felt, how the heart, i gave you,

got shattered into pieces,

was carelessly thrown aside,

replaced by another one.

you broke me,

made me depressed,

made me promise you, i wouldn't talk to anyone about your secrets, which lead to me not talking about mine to others as well, because all my problems had to do with you.

you made me love you with everything i've got

only to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit afterwards.

so how come, that i still can't bring myself up to hate you?

and that's how i broke down in jimin's arms once again

finally letting to of that little piece inside of me,

that always kept everything to itself.

jimin didn't let go of me for the rest of the night.

he didn't leave my side.

and he didn't let a single minute pass without telling me, how much he loves me and how much he cares and that he'd never do that to me.

he kissed my hands and my wet cheeks and my forehead, murmuring "i love you so much, taehyung", every time after his lips touched my skin.

and if i hadn't been so damn tired and if my heart wouldn't be burning inside of my chest,

i would have probably felt bad for him.

because i knew that even if i tried, i could never love him as much as i love you.

jimin asked me if i wanted to go out on the weekend with him.

i really wanted to say yes.

i didn't leave the house after the party anymore, because i kind of felt uncomfortable around jimin.

he knew my biggest secrets

- that i am in love with you and that i am depressed and suicidal, just because of you -

and i wasn't really sure how he would act around me.

would he treat me the way he usually did?

or would he be more careful?

what, if he would leave me?

i didn't know.

and i was scared of finding out.

but i didn't leave the house for a whole week and my parents don't really seem to care anymore.

they think that if they show me, that i won't get their attention with being depressed, i would maybe give up and go back to normal.

they won't believe that it's true.

but honestly, i couldn't care less.

so when jimin asked me, if i wanted to hang out with him,

i said yes, even though i felt slightly uncomfortable.

he actually wanted me to come over but since i was scared of being forced to eat again,

i asked him if we could meet in a shopping center.

i didn't want to be alone with him and if we would go into the city, i could leave whenever i wanted to.

fortunately, he agreed

and so i left the house without telling my parents where i would go.

when i finally met jimin, the infamous bright smile appeared on his lips,

and he took my hand and told me how glad he was, that i came.

"told you i would", was all i could answer to that.

"i know, i know", he said.

it really reminded me of the first time we met.

"come, let's get some ice cream!"

"i am not hungry."

"but you need to eat, taehyung. you are too skinny, i'm scared you might break, if i hug you."

i didn't know what to say.

i felt awkward. really, really awkward.

because there was no way in hell that i was skinny.

there was too much fat on my stomach, and my thighs didn't have the right gap. they were still too close, they almost touched.

so, no.

i wouldn't eat.

and this time, i wouldn't try.

i didn't want to have a panic attack again.

and food was disgusting, anyways.

"i am not hungry. i won't eat."

"please, taehyung, for me?"

"no."

"but i love you."

"that's not a reason."

if you had said it,

it would have been one.

"where have you been?", my mother asked when i came home later that day.

"i was out with jimin."

"that orange-haired guy that visited you in the asylum?"

"mental hospital, but yes."

i tried walking past her to go into my room and just lie in bed and listen to music,

but she grabbed me by my wrist. as her fingers put pressure onto my arm, i flinched and tried to get free, but she just pressed harder.

without any warning, she pulled my sleeve up and gasped.

yes.

you got it.

this was the first time, she saw my arm.

she never visited me nor did she really look at me, so it wasn't a surprise that she was shocked to see all the deep scars and some new wounds from yesterday.

"when did you do this?" she asked, voice getting louder and harsher.

"well, the old ones on my arms are about 6 months old."

she gasped again.

her eyes got teary and for a moment i thought, that she maybe finally started believing the doctors

and that she maybe finally cared.

the painful expression on her face made me think,

that she finally got it

and that she finally would stop calling me names.

but instead of hugging or apologizing to me,

she took a deep breath and said:

"why are you such an attention-whore?"

and i don't know if you heard it,

but that shattering just now,

was a little piece of the hope that is left in me.

fortunately,

my mother didn't drive me to the mental hospital again that day.

she thought it would only satisfy my need for attention.

after looking at the cuts on my arms,

and after calling me an attention-whore,

she asked me, if she should make me wear shorts and short sleeved shirts all the time,

so that everyone could see those ugly scars and wounds.

she didn't expect an answer, so of course i didn't give her one.

but she kept on insulting and embarrasing me,

making me feel even worse for everything i did.

after that she just went back to the living room

and i was able to breathe again,

because i could stay home.

i never wanted to go back there.

it was horrible.

i don't even understand what makes people think it would be a good idea to lock you up in a place with plenty of other depressed kids.

it didn't help me at all.

it only triggered me so much, that i almost broke my own hand in there,

which, of course, only lead to me staying there even longer.

but seriously, though.

i understand why you hated that place so much.

because i hate it, too.

say,

what do you hate more?

that place

or

me?

"so, taehyung"

"so, jimin"

"wanna come over?"

"no"

"why not?"

"my parents don't want me to"

"then i'll come over"

"no"

"why?"

"i am really sorry, okay, but i just wanna be alone today"

"oh, okay..."

"sorry"

"if you need anything, call me, okay?"

"mhm"

"bye. see you!"

"mhm"

"whenever you think about him", jimin once said, "call me, and i'll distract you."

i didn't want to agree to this

because, let's be honest:

i think about you every damn second of my life.

so it's just normal that i didn't want to agree, right?

when i told this jimin, he hummed and thought about something for a couple of minutes,

before he suddenly clapped his hands and yelled

"i got it! whenever you think about him, write it down. write down what you feel and why and also write down, what made you think about him."

oh, please

as if i wasn't already doing that.

i didn't tell him, though.

i just nodded and never mentioned you after that conversation again.

i think that he thinks, that i stopped thinking about you.

or that i am more in control of my thoughts by now.

but i never stopped thinking about you.

and i am not in control either.

i am still the worthless little mess i was after you left me

and i know, it's been almost 2 years,

1 year, 9 months and 20 days, to be exact.

21 months and 20 days.

is it weird that i keep counting the days?

or do you do that, too?

no, of course you don't, what a silly question.

hey,

i wanna tell you something.

remember the day i called the ambulance,

because when i showed up at your apartment,

you were lying on the bathroom floor,

a half empty bottle of bleach in your hand?

you probably don't,

because you were unconscious when i found you.

but, uhm

that day,

i actually wanted to confess my feelings to you.

i was scared as fuck,

because i didn't want our friendship to end and i was really worried,

that you might hate me after i confessed to you.

but i thought "fuck it!" and i was ready to go home with a broken heart,

because i knew that you didn't love me the way i loved you.

i didn't expect to spend the next few days in the hospital, though.

but it's okay, don't worry.

my back didn't hurt too long after that,

and food was already disgusting for me back then,

andif i had slept, i maybe would've missed news from the doctor,

so i was totally fine with pulling two all-nighters in a row.

your parents were worried sick, just like i was,

but they didn't stay in the hospital all the time.

your mother was relieved to see, that i was by your side

and your father thanked me a thousand times.

hey; your parents are great, you know that, right?

well, that doesn't matter right now.

what i wanted to tell you, is:

i am in love with you,

i have always been,

and i'll always be.

and those days i spent in the hospital hold some of the worst experiences i ever made.

the doctors didn't know if you would wake up

and they refused to let me see you on the first day.

your parents had to sign a few papers, before i was allowed to sit by your side.

i don't know, if you heard what i said back then,

or if you felt how i held your hand, kissed every single scar on your body

(not the ones on your chest, hips and thighs, though, because i didn't know if you would be okay with that),

how my tears dropped onto your face and how i begged you to wake up,

but i want you to know,

that if you had died in that ugly hospital bed,

i wouldn't have hesitated to kill myself, too.

without you by my side,

life doesn't make any sense

and i miss you with every piece of my body,

and i love you with every piece of my broken heart,

and if it weren't for you,

i would have already killed myself a long time ago.

i still wanna kill myself,

but the fact, that i have no idea,

whether you are alive or not,

keeps me alive.

because maybe one day you'll try to call me

and maybe one day you'll show up in front of my door

and maybe one day you'll come back to me

- and that's why i am still here. because maybe one day you'll need me