Chapter Text
Han Jisung and Lee Felix were born a day apart, in two different continents, but under the same sky, the same twinkling stars. Their meeting had been predetermined even before they were born, just as if they were soulmates. But that day, a curse had also been cast on them, unknowingly, one that would cost them a forever together.
Han Jisung was born at night, under the sweet lullaby of the moonlight, the guiding stars and the chilly autumn breeze of South Korea. Felix Lee, on the other hand, was born early in the morning the next day, still under the same sky and stars, the same constellations, but in Australia, an ocean away.
Felix Lee was born an only child, a blessing, an angel sent from above to bestow their family a happiness they had never felt before, and that they thought they would never feel in their lives. Han Jisung was born under the hardships of older brothers, favoritism, and the adjustment of life in another country because of his father's work. They had both grown up under the influence of bedtime stories — such as Robin Hood and The Jungle Book — but their favorite story was, by far, the one about a boy who just simply refused to grow up: Peter Pan. They would be fascinated by Captain Hook, Mr. Smee and the pirates, the Lost Boys, Tinker Bell, the Darling family, but what they admired the most — what would really keep them up at night, tossing in their beds — was the feeling of never growing old. Of being a kid forever, with no responsibilities and restrictions. After all, at 6 years old, who wouldn't want that?
Felix met Jisung when they both got into the same primary—one of the odd coincidences of life. He had just moved to Korea, and Jisung had just moved from Malaysia, and they were both in uncharted territory: school. When a short, hazel browned haired kid approached him with the most genuine smile asking if they could be friends, Felix agreed without doubting it, nodding his head enthusiastically, flashing a smile to the stranger. He had reminded Felix of a squirrel, and he felt better: at least something was familiar. The stranger's smile had been very warming and assuring, and there was something in the way his eyes never left his that made him wonder where this friendship would lead. Plus, he loved squirrels.
But to Jisung, Felix was perfect. Perfect in every single indescribable way. Maybe he wasn't perfect to anyone else, but to him he was just absolutely amazing. The way he laughed and smiled, talked and thought and looked at the world with such amazement and wonder behind his eyes — behind that dropped jaw, and his light —, that drove Jisung crazy. Felix never ceased to amaze him.
They had nicknames for each other, the same way close friends do: Jisungie and Lix, or Lixie sometimes, when Jisung begged him for something. He didn't like Jisungie, it always made him feel like a kid again—even though, of course, it was given to him at six years old. No matter how affectionate Felix was, how much love and dedication he put in that nickname, Jisung simply didn't like it. But he didn't complain, the same way he never complained towards his friend about anything at all.
Felix soon referred to Jisung as a brother he never had, a twin — but Jisung loved him. Even though it had been a first love, a silly love at first sight, the feeling of love would linger towards the light-haired boy in his heart forever. Back then he couldn't have possibly known it was love — or a mere crush, — but his feelings never ceased and, growing up with him, he understood the depth of his feelings towards Felix. Jisung had convinced himself Felix was his other half — in the way they seemed to always be on the same page, thinking the same things, feeling the same way towards life, — but he was too shy to act on his feelings, so he had grown up shadowed by the constant feeling of unrequited love.
Felix was happiness, joy, the sun rising up in the morning, the tinkling of bells, the embodiment of the color yellow, the feeling of acceptance and innocence and wonder and amazement all in one, flashing through his soul into the world in the form of a smile, of the light behind his eyes. There was absolutely nothing Jisung loved more in this world than the unique, unexplainable feeling of his friend's smile on him — only on him, like it was meant to be just and exclusively for Jisung —, or his laugh, that never failed to make Jisung's heart jump inside his chest. It felt like he had the whole world but then again, Felix did not love him with such intensity, with such devotion as him; after all, he only saw him as a brother.
Felix was one of those people who were just light. He was warmth, embraces, laughs, goodness. Safe haven. All Jisung wanted to do every time he saw him was hug him until one of them fell, giggling and pushing the other aside, bright smiles on their faces. And every time Felix looked at him, with one of those undeniably happy smiles that made Jisung's legs weak, the warmest light in his eyes… he loved it. He loved him. Maybe not in a romantic way — yet, because he still didn't know what love was back when they were little kids — but he wanted to be close to Felix and he hoped that somehow, someday—if he dreamed hard enough, if he truly tried, with all of his self — a part of that light, at least a tiny, imperceptible fraction, would transfer onto him. That way, he would have a part of Felix wherever he went, forever.
Jisung had always felt the need to protect Felix — not just because he saw him as a twin, or because he was the oldest, even for just a couple of insignificant hours — but because he would have hated himself if something, or someone — or anything really — killed off his light. His enthusiasm, happiness. Him. He had promised himself, from the single moment they first met, that he wouldn't let anything happen to the Aussie, and he had always been loyal to his promises. But some promises are inevitably broken, and it wasn't Jisung's fault when that happened. It was time's fault. Life's fault. Nevertheless, Jisung would feel guilty for the rest of his life.
Jisung was kneeling down, peeking through a crack on the poorly painted wall. He was crouching behind a crumbling wall, waiting. Autumn was just around the corner, already covering the trees, the grass and the leaves with a thin, brown layer, freezing the weather and pushing the unbearable heat of spring away, hiding it under the chilly breeze. But Jisung wasn't cold. He loved being cold. He loved shivering and the chattering of his teeth and being outside, watching the color disappear behind a new season, a deadly season. After all, nothing was colder and crueler than the unrequited love that had crawled under this skin.
He wasn't as small anymore, and he was sure he could be seen from behind the wall, but he didn't mind. Wasn't that the point of it all? The cold midafternoon air rushed past his face, sending shivers through his skin. He waited, quietly, feeling his legs go numb.
And then, he spotted him. A smile rose from ear to ear, the way it always did when he looked at his friend, those golden locks, the freckles that resembled the most twinkling constellation, the light behind those perfectly shaped eyes of him.
"Come on Jisungie, you've been hiding in the same spot for ten years now." He was a few feet away from him, and Jisung had failed to notice him walking down the street towards his hiding spot: he had been focused on his legs, and the slowly-rising pain.
He stepped away from the wall, defeated, and strutted past his friend, ignoring his greeting. Felix laughed, and caught up with him, running down the street to his friend.
"Can you believe that house has been abandoned for more than ten years?" He asked, turning around and looking back at Jisung's hiding spot: a decaying old abandoned house that had been violently hit by the freezing colds of several winters and the choking heat of a decade of summers. Part of the roof was missing, and they couldn't remember the way it had looked before: they couldn't picture that house in its best years.
Jisung nodded, but didn't turn around. He could picture that house in his mind without the need to look at it once more.
"Do you remember when we used to be terrified of it? You would tell me ghost stories about it, saying that it was haunted and that a family used to live there but died mysteriously and that their ghosts still haunted everyone who dared to step inside?"
Jisung bursted into a laugh, and Felix followed. "You used to be so scared! You didn't even wanna go near it to play!"
"I used to be so gullible," he said, once the laughter had passed. "I still am when it comes to you."
Jisung glanced at him, bumping his shoulder with his. Felix simpered at him, sticking his tongue out.
They made their way down the street towards the row of roofed houses, one next to the other.
"We need to stop playing hide and seek everyday after school if you're gonna keep on hiding in the same place. Don't you get bored of it?"
Jisung kicked a rock that was lying on the road, his hands on the pockets of his worn out hoodie, his favorite hoodie—the one Felix had gifted him for his 15th birthday. He looked away. "Are you bored of playing with me?"
Felix shook his head, frowning. "It's not that. You know it's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"We're sixteen, not six anymore."
"So what? We're still the same way we used to be, Lix." But he was wrong, of course: his love had developed into a more complex feeling, something he now wish he never had felt the first time. It brought him so much pain sometimes. There were times Felix was so far, and he didn't know how to reach him, how to break the distance. "And by the way, we're not sixteen yet."
Felix rolled his eyes. "We need to talk about what we're gonna do for our birthday."
Jisung shrugged, uninterested. "I thought we were gonna do what we do every year."
"Don't you want to change? I mean, aren't you bored of it?"
"Why do you want to change everything?" Jisung snapped, stopping and facing Felix, looking straight into his eyes. The light disappeared for a few seconds, revealing a hidden feeling: sorrow.
Felix broke the eye contact, giving his back to him. He looked at the sky for a few moments, then down, and to Jisung again. "I'm sorry. I know you don't like changes."
"I don't," was all Jisung managed to say, and the conversation died off.
They walked a few feet away, and Jisung wished it wasn't like that. Jisung always wished things weren't the way they were, but refused to do anything about it: he hated that about himself, how he had the ability to push away the only person who cared about him, the only person Jisung loved in this world.
That night, Jisung tossed in bed, unable to fall back asleep. He thought about what he had said to Felix, how he had said it; he hadn't mean it, not that way, not the way it came out, in a growl. In anger. Without thinking twice about it, he stood up and grabbed the hoodie he had used that same afternoon, put it over his pijama and headed for the window. Without a single sound, he was out of his house.
He climbed down the tree and made his way through his backyard, out of his lawn into the empty, lone, poorly illuminated street. A big, glowing full moon welcomed him into the night, and he could see the stars shimmering down on him as he walked towards his friend's house.
Fortunately, Felix lived only two houses away from him, so the freezing autumn night wind wouldn't linger around him much longer. Five minutes later, he was already throwing rocks at Felix's window, hoping to get a response.
He heard a creak and just like that the window was open. Jisung made his way up the tree into the house.
"You can't keep doing this, Jisungie," he heard his friend's whisper behind his back, closing the window behind him as quietly as possible. He didn't look as sleepy as he sounded. Night owls.
"I just came to say I'm sorry about today."
Felix nodded, crawling back to his bed, covering himself under his blankets. Jisung sat by his side. "Some things never change, huh?"
His friend smiled, closing his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again, Jisung was lying next to him. "I don't want things to change."
"They won't," he whispered into Felix's ear, his voice sweet like honey. It came out of him as a promise.
"Could you tell me a bed time story?"
"Sure," he replied, staring at the ceiling, taking a deep breath, his hands behind his head. How he wished tonight could last forever. An eternity.
Felix snuggled, making himself comfortable and warm. He gazed at Jisung, observing every single corner of his face, as if it was the first time he was looking at him: he thought he had the kind of face that would leave a mark onto somebody's memory. He sure had left a mark on him. "One in which good triumphs over evil. Where there are adventures. Love."
He gazed back. "Do you want me to tell you the story of Peter Pan again?"
Felix smiled broadly. "Yes, please. You know how much I love it."
They used to always do this, sneaking into each other's houses and sleeping together — most of the time though, it was Jisung who sneaked out. There was nothing in this world he enjoyed more than Felix's company, of watching him fall asleep, wondering what he was dreaming about. He could get so lost in the moment that he would forget time passing by. Those were the best kinds of nights: him telling Felix their favorite story. He felt privileged because he was one of the few people who could witness the sun falling asleep. Nevertheless, the warmth always remained. Lingered, until the morning came and the sun rose again. But nothing lingered enough, nothing lasted forever, and soon enough the warmth would be gone and all that would be left, were memories. Innumerable memories, but were they strong enough — powerful, meaningful enough — to linger forever in his heart?
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Felix knows that the only reason he is nervous is because he fears being laughed at: after all, his Korean is not very good — it's terrible actually. He misses Australia and speaking English and being a kid: he wants to go back home. But his parents say South Korea is his new home — he doesn't listen to them. He's also extremely shy, and the single thought of speaking to someone terrifies him to the core. But a short, sudden, perforating shriek freezes him, and interrupts his unpleasant thoughts: from across the playground, a kid is waving at him, stretching his hand up in the air, catching his attention completely. Felix doesn't know if he wants to run or hide, so instead he petrifies.
"Hey!"
A hazel haired boy stops just in front of him, the brightest smile on his face. A few teeth are missing, and he somehow resembles a squirrel to him, so he smiles shyly, quietly, almost ashamed. The stranger looks at him, as if he's somehow inspecting a newly discovered species. They share a confused look, and that's when he finally says, catching Felix off guard, "Do you want to be my friend?"
Felix's eyes gleam, as if he's looking at a treasure he has been wanting to get his hands on for the longest time. He smiles more broadly now, showing a few baby teeth himself, and nods.
The stranger then trails off with his new friend, clutching his arm and showing him off like some kind of prize. But they're both winners today.
And alas, a friendship is born, one that will last a lifetime.
The next day, Jisung woke up shortly before 6am, and headed back home, the first few rays of sunlight barely touching him as he crawled back to his own bed, without bothering to take his hoodie off. The stars were gone, and the sky, the day, was beginning to wake up just like everybody else. But he didn't go to sleep right away, he couldn't: Felix's voice echoed in his head for an unknown reason, resonating in the four walls of his brain, though his voice always calmed him down — it was very soothing. I don't want things to change. He had said they wouldn't, but he didn't know how to keep his promise. That feeling of being totally unprepared for the future haunted him. That was one of the reason he had loved Peter Pan when he was a kid: they both shared the desire to remain a kid forever. The difference was, of course, that one of them inevitably grew up. Time could be so cruel.
And there he was, lying down on his bed at 6am, remembering the day he held the whole world in someone's gaze.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
It hasn't been long since he met Jisung, but Felix is glad he at least has a friend. They usually play hide and seek with Seungmin and Hyunjin, some other kids in their class, but today they are just sitting down, relaxing under a tree, shielding themselves from the deadly rays of a summer sun. He's sweating, his mouth dry, but his friend doesn't look affected by the lack of fresh cool air. The silence is not awkward between them: they share a few innocent smiles here and there, but without saying a word. He still doesn't know Jisung that much, they've only been friends for a couple of weeks, so there is so much more to learn about his friend.
"What's your favorite bedtime story?" he finds himself saying, followed by a shy smile, and a blush. It is one of his rehearsed questions, just like his mom taught him. His voice shakes a bit, he's twiddling his thumbs, and forcing himself not to nervously giggle once he's done speaking.
His friend is not taken by surprise, so he smiles warmly, his eyes meeting Felix's once more, "Peter Pan."
Felix's eyes widen and he can feel his jaw drop a little, enough for Jisung to notice him and laugh, tilting his head back and instantly closing his eyes. "So is mine!" he exclaims, gaping at him in pleasure.
"Really?" He smirks, satisfied, but not as nearly amazed as his friend is.
He nods, smiling. For a moment he forgets where he is, and that he's hot. Time briefly stops.
"Then you'll be the Tinker Bell to my Peter Pan."
Felix frowns, confused. "Why am I Tinker Bell?"
His friend shrugs, thoughtful. "Your hair's lighter than mine. You're shorter, too."
He likes the title right away: he loves being half of something, complementing Jisung. Felix's frown disappears, and is replaced by a hug. Their first hug, and it's warm and nice and cozy and it feels good. It feels great.
Time flew by faster than they would have wanted, and in the blink of an eye, their birthday came and went by. In the end, things didn't change: they did what they planned every year, invite the friends they had in common and go to the movies. It was simple, but they liked simplicity. They used to always throw Peter Pan themed parties in primary school, both of them dressed up as characters from the movie — Jisung always being Peter Pan, obviously. It used to be a lot of fun, and they enjoyed it very much. What they enjoyed the most though, was the company: that feeling of sharing something as special as your birthday with your best friend, with one of your closest life companions.
Autumn caught up with them, and the days were soon filled with chilly breezes and the beautiful image of the falling of the brown, wilted leaves. They would pile them up and make big mountains with the leaves growing up, but now they were older, and such things were left in the past. Jisung couldn't remember exactly when they ceased, but sometimes he would reminisce about it and he found a part of himself wanting to go back to it, just once more. He could picture themselves as well, climbing trees and running around the neighborhood, letting themselves fall into one of the countless mountains of leaves and throwing them at each other playfully, and grabbing a handful of them and making them rain on top of them: it was truly a beautiful sighting.
But with autumn, diseases also came, and Felix started getting sick more often and missing school and refusing to go out and play hide and seek with him the way they used to. After all, they sat together in class and his absence affected Jisung, who would remain engulfed by the feeling of loneliness. Felix's immune system had always been weak, and Jisung felt sorry for him sometimes: how he could miss such a breathtaking season. Jisung started spending time on his own, and even though he wasn't annoyed by it, he came to the realization that Felix truly was his whole life, and that hit him worse than ever before. He filled his days and without him life was dull: he felt empty. The color in his life had drained away and he was drenched in solitude: the color had disappeared behind Felix's smile and without it, the world had turned into a brown, barely reddish hole which had sucked him down and was slowly choking him. Life could be so boring without him.
Eventually, Felix did come out and play, after spending three days at home and missing school. He was paler, weaker, bags under his eyes but the smile remained, as well as the light behind his eyes.
"Damn Lix, you look awful."
"I'm actually feeling much better than I look," he said, after coughing. Jisung loathed the fact that he never got sick but his best friend almost lived with them, and that they took the life out of him and changed him into a phantom. "Now that you're here with me I feel much better."
"What do you mean? I came to see you yesterday, and the day before."
Felix smiled, and Jisung could see small wrinkles round the corners of his lips. "I know, but it's the first time we're outside. It feels good."
They were lying on the yellowish grass, by a naked tree, surrounded by the most beautiful brown, reddish and yellow-orange leaves, a few blocks away from the row of houses and the decaying old abandoned house. Both of them loved their neighborhood, and watching it transform with the coming and passing of the seasons and the years. Jisung's head rested on Felix's legs, and he loved contemplating his friend from his spot: he looked like some kind of prince. Only sicker and paler. Nevertheless, it mesmerized him. His yellow-dyed hair matched the grass and he was closing his eyes, humming to the sound of the wind.
The afternoon was quiet and calm in contrast to the screams of the cool wind. The sky was grey, the sun hiding behind the clouds that covered the sky completely: a storm was coming. A couple of cars went by before he said, standing up and a gleam of light behind his question, "Do you want to play hide and seek?"
Jisung was once again kneeling down behind the wall, peeking through the crack, like the thousand times before. He waited, feeling his legs go numb — the usual. Just like old times. In any minute, Felix would find him.
But he didn't.
It usually took him a couple of minutes to walk up to the house — not more than five.
Felix was nowhere in sight.
He waited.
More minutes went by.
He stood up.
Jisung began to get worried, uneasy. He started walking towards the tree where Felix should have been a few moments ago, his legs making great effort not to let him fall. He kept wondering what had happened, a different million scenarios popping up the faster he walked, almost running now. He panted, unable to breathe properly: he was concerned. This was not like Felix.
Time could be so deserting.
It was when he noticed his best friend that he knew something was terribly wrong: Felix was kneeling down, hands on the bare street, throwing up. There was a puddle in front of him, staining the street with a green, yellow, whiteish color. It was gross, and Jisung had to cover his mouth in order not to shout. He instantly darted towards him, his heart pumping loudly, desperation and sweat running down.
He was paler than before, his face white as snow. He somehow looked skinnier as well, weaker, fragile. Felix didn't even look at him when he approached him, his eyes fixed on the ground, his mouth still open. More disgusting liquid kept coming out of him, and it didn't seem to stop anytime soon. Instinctively, he phoned Felix's parents, after being unable to separate him from the street and stand him up, or at least make him stop. Jisung swore he had never seen him in such a bad state. Yet the worst was yet to come.
Weeks passed after the incident and he still had no answer. He still didn't know what had happened that day and he felt somehow guilty: after all, playing hide and seek had been his idea. Jisung regretted having coming up with it, looking at the state his friend had been in. He missed him, as Felix had refused to see him at all, making lame excuses and not even bothering to pick up his phone, leaving him always on dial tone. He hadn't even dared to open the window for him at night, ignoring him and giving him his back, but then he just wasn't home at all. Jisung hated him for that, he hated how someone as kind and selfless as Felix could do something like this to him — leaving him all by himself. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? Why was he pushing him away, why was he not telling him what was wrong, what he had done wrong? Didn't his feelings matter to him? He hated Felix for that, but he couldn't hate him at all. How could he ever hate the sole person he loved? The one who never failed to bring him joy? He couldn't, so he hated himself instead. He hated how much the unrequited love burdened him, and how much Felix's snubbing hurt him. He hated how much he loved him despite it all. Jisung hated himself because he could never be him.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Breaks are the only time of the day Felix and Jisung can speak, because in class the teacher shushes them off. They still whisper to each other though, and send notes in class — no matter if they actually sit together every day. Jisung loves breaking the rules for Felix, it somehow makes their friendship "forbidden" — of course, at 10 years old you always try to come up with stuff that will make things more exciting. Their friendship blossoms like the beautiful spring scented flowers that are now surrounding them in the grass, and they gaze at them for the longest time, mesmerized by such divine natural beauty. A few moments ago, they talked about Peter Pan, and it quite seems the conversation didn't die off, because Jisung comes up with another related topic.
"You know, fairies don't live long. But they are so little that a short time seems a good while to them. And they only have one feeling at a time because they're so small."
Felix looks at him, squinting his eyes because of the intensive sunrays. He is playing with a flower, touching its petals and tracing its stem down until it collides with the soil. "Is that why Tinker Bell hates Wendy? Because she's jealous?"
"Can you blame her? She only has one feeling at a time because of her size."
Felix doesn't pluck the flower from the grass, instead he just leaves it alone, still mesmerized by it. "I feel pity towards her."
"Why?"
Felix doesn't even think about it, doesn't even doubt what he's about to say. It seems like he thought about this before. "Because she can't feel two things at the same time. Like Peter, Wendy. Like us."
Jisung stares at him, perplexed. "What are you feeling right now?" He asks, intrigued. What is running through his mind?
Felix blushes, his face burning red. "Joy."
"And?"
"Pity, for Tinker Bell."
And then, a month and a half after the incident, Felix contacted him, as if somehow he had heard his pleas and cries, sensed his desperation.
･ ｡
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☆ﾟ･｡°*. ﾟ
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ﾟ *.｡☆｡★ ･
* ☆ ｡･ﾟ*.｡
* ★ ﾟ･｡ * ｡
･ ﾟ☆ ｡
The second star to the right
Shines in the night for you
To tell you that the dreams you plan
Really can come true