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“I think I want to go into Cryo” Bucky spit water all over the table, Steve barely flinching as he got sprayed.
“Beg your pardon?” Bucky gaped at his soulmate, and Steve could feel Bucky prodding at the Bond, looking for any sign of humour.
“Shuri said she might be able to rewire my brain so that I’m not sitting here half catatonic all the time terrified you’re going to disappear into thin air again.” Steve risked a glance at the other man and tried to feel along the Bond for a hint of understanding. Instead all he found was barely contained anger and hurt.
“That’s the stupidest fucking idea I have ever heard! You’re doing fine, you’re getting better. You said so yourself last night!” Steve groaned and followed Bucky into the kitchen, watching him tie his hair back with one arm.
“Bucky, we’ve been back here for two months, and I let you go take care of the goats without having a panic attack. You can barely call that progress” Bucky sighed and Steve felt the flare of warning.
“At least you didn’t need to figure out what your own name was”
“You’re not being fair Bucky. I miss us, I miss what it was like before the War, the Serum, all of it. When I could just be in love with my soulmate and not be scared that when I woke up in the morning he’d be dead!” Bucky slammed down his dish, Steve jumping at the loud crash the broken glass made.
“Yeah, cuz that was a fucking walk in the park wasn’t it? Must’ve been so nice, to never have to worry about whether or not I’d still be breathing when you woke up in the morning, to never have to check down back alleys and make sure I wasn’t beaten to death, trying to sense any sign of life at all times for fear of losing it!” the two faced off in the kitchen, Bucky’s chest heaving and Steve feeling a sinking feeling in his gut. Bucky sighed and dropped the dishrag onto the counter, walking up and cupping his cheek with his hand. Steve turned into it and pressed his lips to his palm, pulling him into a tight hug.
“I know better than anyone how scared you are baby-doll. But you can do this without cryo, it’s not like the ice baby, it’s not like falling asleep. I don’t think it’s the solution you’re looking for” Steve hugged him tighter and guilt suddenly crashed along the Bond. Bucky pulled back and searched his face “Stevie, what did you do?”
“I, uh, I already talked to her Buck, I’m supposed to go in for final prep tomorrow, and go under next week” Steve tried desperately to keep his grip on his lover, but Bucky ripped away from him, horror almost crippling Steve.
“Bucky!” Bucky stared at him in horror and Steve felt tears slide down his face. “I’m not as strong as you Buck, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so scared, all the time and I just want you to hold me and fix it, but that’s not fair to either of us. She says it’d be a month at most. Then we could have a life, one where I’m not cowering away from anything that could hurt you” Bucky shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.
“At what cost Steve…”
Steve didn’t sleep at all that night, Bucky resolutely refusing to join him in the bed. It reminded Steve too much of before, when he wasn’t there. He crawled out of bed and slowly padded outside where Bucky was laying in the warm Wakandan night, looking up at the stars. Steve shuffled awkwardly for a few seconds before Bucky sighed.
“Come on then” Steve gracelessly dropped next to him, turning to stare at his face. He could see the tear tracks on Bucky’s cheeks and his heart clenched. He rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around him, resting his head above his heart.
“I’m doing it for us Buck” Bucky sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair.
“You’re really not Steve, but I get it. I won’t stop you if that’s what you really want” Steve nodded and looked at him.
“If everything’s set, I could just go under tomorrow, instead of prolonging the inevitable, get me out quicker?” Bucky laughed humourlessly
“Month’s a month Steve, don’t matter when it starts or ends” Bucky turned his head and gave him a sad smile “but if this is my last night with you, I’m gunna damn well enjoy it” Steve laughed tearfully as Bucky rolled him onto his back, pulling him in for a passionate kiss.
“Take these, it’ll block the Bond for about an hour, enough to have Captain Rogers in full cryo-stasis with the least amount of discomfort” Steve shot a glance at Bucky, who was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed. Steve swung his feet uselessly from where he sat on the exam table, dressed in white pants and a t-shirt. Shuri glanced between the two and coughed “I’ll give you a moment”. The princess stepped out and Steve looked at his mate, voice cracking.
“Sweetheart-“ Bucky crashed his lips against Steve’s, plunging his hands into his hair desperately. Steve didn’t need the Bond to be able to feel Bucky’s pain, their tears mingling on their cheeks.
“I love you, I love you so fucking much okay, and I’m gunna be here, I’m gunna be here every fucking day and I’ll be here when you wake up and then we can go home and do all the things you’ve always wanted to do” Steve clung to him and nodded shakily.
“I love you too, you’re everything to me. I promise, this is for us” Bucky pulled back and gave him a broken smile.
“Okay, okay Stevie” Steve gave a watery grin of his own.
“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone”
“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you” they shared one last kiss and Shuri stepped in the room
“Are we ready?” the men nodded and Bucky stepped out to the hallway “I’ll come get you when he’s settled” he nodded and stepped out into the hall.
Bucky sat on the floor, knees up to his chest and head hung low, hands in his hair. The tears had stopped but the pain still remained. The fact that his Bond was still blocked did nothing to help. He was wracking his brain to remember the golden presence when the door opened.
“How is he?” when he received no response he glanced up and his breath caught. There stood Steve, eyes red and glassy, wringing his hands nervously.
“Heya Buck” Bucky scrambled to his feet and rushed over to him
“S-Stevie?” Steve threw himself into his arms and began crying.
“I couldn’t do it, I was in there, and they were starting it up, but I couldn’t go through with it, w-what if something happened to you while I was in there, or something went wrong and I lost our Bond, lost you? I couldn’t beg you not to leave me then turn around and do the same to you” Bucky clung to his love and felt the medication start to wear off, the golden warmth coming back.
“S’okay baby-doll. We’re here now. You and me okay? Let’s go home” Steve nodded and Bucky glanced over his shoulder where Shuri was smirking. He smiled, and she winked before skipping back down to her lab. Steve laced their fingers together and looked up at him, smiling brightly.
“Besides, I’m getting better right” Bucky laughed and grabbed his face, kissing him for all he was worth
“Said so yourself” …