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Chuuya was upset again. It was pretty common as of late, what with how stressful the war against Dostoyevsky had been for the past while. Dazai was regretfully slipping back into his calm, calculating mafia facade again as of late. He’d been ignoring Chuuya has his needs all for the greater good of focusing on how to defeat their enemy.
He wasn’t paying attention to the wearing down of Chuuya’s mental state. He wasn’t paying attention to how little the both of them had been eating. How little they had been sleeping wasn’t even given a second thought if it even crossed his mind. They had both become irritable and upset with the situation at hand. But Chuuya, always one to show his emotions on his sleeve, as the only one vocalizing his emotions, or even showing them for that matter.
At one point, it all snapped.
“I’m sick and tired of this, Dazai.” Chuuya said one day, pacing the floor as they reviewed their plans. “I’m so utterly done with everything that’s happening. We’ve become messes over Fyodor, and we aren’t taking care of ourselves, we’re weakening ourselves and it’s exactly what he wants!” He continued on, tears welling in his eyes. Dazai sighed. Chuuya being this upset would get them absolutely nowhere. He set down his papers and looked at him sharply.
“Chuuya, quit complaining. There’s no reason to be this upset. Our plan will work and we’re fine.” He said slowly, no emotion in his voice or on his features. “Stop stressing and just trust me, Chuuya.” He continued in his flat tone, staring Chuuya directly in the eyes. Chuuya tensed, and marched over to him, harshly gripping his collar and dragging him up from the couch.
“Don’t you of all people tell me how to fucking feel, Dazai. You may think you’re a person now but you’re not even close to the emotional capacity of a damn human.” He grit his teeth as Dazai stood to his full height, towering over Chuuya. Only dragged closer down to him by Chuuya’s grip on his collar.
“I am a person, Chuuya. I’m just as human as the rest of us. Well, other than you of course.” He said, mask still spanning his features. Chuuya’s face contorted into one of rage, as he threw Dazai backwards onto the couch.
“Person? No, no. You’re not a person. You’re a robot.” He took a shaky breath before continuing. “You’re a monster, Dazai. You’re a demon and a freak. I’m more human than you could ever fucking aspire to be in your life.”
Dazai’s mask cracked a bit at that. He knew deep down that Chuuya was somewhat right. He was a demon. He was a monster. He may have been wearing the guise of a human, but any mafia member knew of him and his deeds. He’d been trying so hard to be a good person like Odasaku had wanted him to be, he was trying so hard, but he could never erase his past completely. He could never erase what he did to Chuuya. His sins were innumerable, and they could be cleansed in the eyes of the law perhaps, but not in the eyes of those he had harmed, or those second handedly affected by his deeds.
He slipped back into his facade, with an unsettling smile on his face. “Oh? And what would an inhuman monster like you know about being a human? By being biologically human, and entirely so I, therefore, know much more about being human than you. You’re just a rogue lab rat, an experiment gone wrong. So tell me, how would you know anymore about being a human than a so-called monster like me?” He leaned up from the couch, with a relaxed posture, eerie smile never leaving his face. Chuuya bristled, gravity starting to bend around him out of pure anger. He didn’t realize Tainted was activated until he felt the clearing touch of No Longer Human spreading from Dazai’s touch on his wrist.
“Bastard…” Chuuya started, an angry tear slipping from his eye, “You’ve gone too far this time, Osamu.” He finished, tears running down reddened cheeks, flushed with anger. The tears streaked down his face as he grit his teeth in pure fury. His bloodshot eyes glaring at Dazai full of pain, and Dazai felt the slightest twinge of regret, before pushing it down.
“Chuuya, if you aren’t going to do anything useful, I suggest you leave me alone to work on our plans.” He said, trying to stay as calm as possible with Chuuya as volatile as he was. “Maybe you should lay down and relax for a while. Take a bath or something. Just leave me to work and do something about Fyodor.” He continued, trying to lessen the emotional burn of his words. Chuuya hiccuped and clenched his fists.
“Right, because I’m not as intelligent as you. You need me physically but when it comes to matters of the mind you discard me as if I was an old toy. I’m sick of it Dazai, I’m so fucking sick of it. If you only need me for your plans, maybe I should just go since you clearly don’t even see me as a fucking human!” He screamed at Dazai, storming off to the restroom, presumably to help calm himself with a bath. Dazai seized up. He didn’t want to hurt Chuuya. He didn’t want Chuuya to think he was just part of Dazai’s plans, that he didn’t care about him as the person he knew for him to be. He swallowed, and stood up, walking to the recently slammed closed bathroom door, hesitating before knocking softly. He heard the sounds of water filling the small tub, and the sounds of hiccups and sobs, angry yet sounding broken and defeated.
Maybe he shouldn't have knocked. Maybe he should have left Chuuya to his own devices. But when Chuuya opened the bathroom door, and Dazai saw him so upset, standing there only in his binder and underwear, gripping the doorknob with a crushing fury, his only urge was to embrace him in a hug. Seeing Chuuya look so broken and defeated was not a look he liked on him, that’s for sure.
“What. Do. You. Want.” Chuuya growled out, teeth gritted violently. His glare wet with tears and yet still piercing Dazai’s very soul. Dazai stayed silent, trying to look for the right words to say. He kept starting to open his mouth to say something, before rethinking and stopping. “I said, what do you want Dazai!” Chuuya screamed, more tears falling down his cheeks. “Haven’t you fucking done enough, Dazai! Haven’t you done enough to me already!? When will my continual suffering be enough for you goddamnit!?” His voice kept rising as he continued, straining his throat. He hiccuped, before stepping back to turn the bath water off.
“Chuuya… I… Chuuya, I’m sorry I—” He started, before stopping, tears filling his eyes. “Chuuya, I said some things I didn’t mean. And I want to just say… I just want to say…” He trailed off, as he watched Chuuya’s expression soften the slightest amount after he turned around.
“Just get in the bath with me asshole. We can talk later.” Chuuya said, effectively cutting him off from saying any more. He finished stripping, before sitting in the bathtub, and motioning for Dazai to come in. “You were being an asshole, like usual. I should have expected this kind of treatment in times of war. I’m not saying it’s okay for you to treat me like this. I’m just saying that I understand why you’re acting like your old self. But I do expect a proper apology.” He leaned his head back, hair tumbling over his shoulder. “Now get in waste of bandages. And quit making that stupid face.” He finished with a small smile.
Dazai started to strip, slowly removing his clothes. He set them by Chuuya’s little pile, before removing his bandages. He settled into the tub behind Chuuya, and pressed little kisses to the top of his head as a minor apology for his actions. “Don’t think that’s getting you out of this one, Osamu.” Chuuya grumbled, wrapping his arms around Dazai. They settled into each other, warm and comfortable in the others arms. They still had to talk about this later, but for now, this was as good as anything.