Chapter Text
1.
"The new recruits are here!"
All in all, Kevin wasn't sure what to think of his new District Leader.
Honestly, being paired with Arnold, followed by the long plane ride to Uganda and becoming familiar with a disturbing local phrase, had been enough to topple any preconceived ideas he might have had regarding his mission and the people he would be working with, but he would still say that everything had changed from the moment this energetic, adorable, and obviously very flamboyant individual had first appeared, admitting to having baptized exactly zero Ugandans and telling Kevin to turn off gay thoughts he hadn't known he'd possessed until that very moment.
Kevin and Arnold had found themselves surrounded by new friends almost immediately after the leader's upbeat announcement, and swept along in a flurry of introductions and handshaking (the softness of Elder McKinley's own hand had barely registered for him in all the excitement).
Kevin pushed himself off the couch where everyone had settled to talk, suddenly finding it harder to breathe. Being in large groups of people tended to have that effect on him, but with one thing after another it had all gotten too overwhelming all of a sudden.
"What's wrong, mission companion?" Arnold asked, jumping to his feet the minute he saw Kevin's odd expression. Kevin didn't know whether to be touched at his concern or annoyed at being followed everywhere.
"Nothing, nothing's wrong, I'm fine, I'm just..." Kevin didn't know how to explain it. Disillusioned? Out of place? In way over his head?
"Confused," he finally settled on.
"Oh, confused," the other Elders said in near-unison, exchanging meaningful looks and nodding to one another.
"Oh, that's perfectly normal," said Elder McKinley understandingly, "Going on a mission somewhere new is always disorienting at first, we were all there at one point or another too. And Uganda can be quite...uh...disturbing at times. But all you need to do is what we've been doing whenever we're angry, or sad, or ah -" -here Kevin thought he looked a little too understanding- "confused."
Before he knew it, Kevin was hearing all about the Elders' very sad pasts (for some reason punctuated here and there by (spontaneous? carefully rehearsed? Who knew) bouts of tap-dancing) but when Elder McKinley started talking about his adolescent crush on Steve Blade, all bets were off. He didn't know whether to be shocked at McKinley being so open about his sexuality or sympathetic towards his guilt over it, but honestly the other boy's feelings were not his main problem right now.
Kevin didn't know what McKinley had been imagining before hastily 'turning it off' again (what sort of things constituted 'gay thoughts' anyway?) but the smirk he'd had, so unlike his innocent how-may-I-help-you welcome smile was doing things to Kevin's head, and he couldn't help but want to find out.
Well, maybe that was going a little far.
Kevin wouldn't describe himself as getting flustered, no, that would imply....
Well anyway there was no possible way he could have foreseen the effect that a (surprisingly attractive) boy dancing and talking about gay thoughts had on him. No, no way of putting a word to it at all. He was probably just stressed and disoriented, right? Could jet lag cause inappropriate crushes? Not that he had a...oh gosh darn the whole thing, it was just too complicated to sort out at present.
And if Kevin leaned in just a little too close when McKinley grabbed his hand, before realizing it was just to lead him and Arnold to their room....Nope, no one needed to be any the wiser.
2.
The next morning, Kevin rose before the mandatory 6:30 wake-up time, intending to start his mission on the right foot, only to find McKinley curled up on the couch.
Not knowing the protocol for half-asleep-District-Leaders (as well as the fact that they weren't supposed to leave the room they shared with their companions at night), Kevin settled for prodding McKinley's foot, making him wake up with a start.
"Oh Elder Price, good morning," said Elder McKinley, quickly covering his surprise with his habitual layer of composure, and straightening his pajamas.
"Good morning," Kevin returned cautiously. "What are you doing out here so early?"
"I must have fallen asleep when I came out here last night," said McKinley, half to himself. "What about you?" he asked quickly, as if to sidestep Kevin's question.
"Just wanted a head start," Kevin said, shrugging. He suddenly wished he had thought to wear something more to bed than temple garments, even though it was much too hot to consider wearing pajamas like McKinley had on. "I didn't think anybody else would be up yet."
McKinley nodded, giving a quiet laugh.
"It's hard enough to get them to wake up on time, let alone earlier," McKinley deadpanned, making Kevin giggle.
Over the next half hour or so, they fell to making the polite small talk they'd been trained in practically from birth, but eventually they got to discussing hobbies and interests, such as McKinley's love of dance. Kevin didn't say how much he'd enjoyed watching the other boy dance the previous night, or how nice it had been to see McKinley let his guard down and enjoy something. They had only just met, but it didn't seem like opening up was something McKinley did very often. Kevin liked the way he made McKinley laugh when he'd said his only interest was being the best at everything. But one thing was still bothering him.
"Elder McKinley-"
"Connor," McKinley corrected quickly, seeming surprised with his own boldness.
"Connor," Kevin repeated, as if unsure of what to do with this information, "I- Why were you out here last night?"
Connor was quiet for a moment, moving away from Kevin slightly.
"I had a bad dream," Connor said casually. "I have them sometimes."
"How often?" Kevin asked softly.
"Most-" Connor started, then stopped himself again, shaking his head. "Every night. Every night for years."
Connor still wasn't looking at him. Kevin couldn't imagine how bad the dreams could be to make him look so sad and resigned about it. It was almost as though Connor thought he deserved them.
Kevin didn't know what to say, which didn't exactly happen to him very often. He didn't want to pry, Connor obviously didn't want to go into detail about his dreams, but Kevin hated seeing him like that and as his friend he should do something to make him feel better and-
Before Kevin could stop himself, he was already taking Connor's hand and pulling him into a hug.
Connor gasped softly, then settled into the somewhat awkward embrace. Kevin didn't think he was crying, but he could feel the other boy shudder against him and take a few shaky breaths. Kevin gave his shoulder a squeeze, trying his best to rub warmth into his back. Connor relaxed immediately into the contact, as though he thought it would be taken away from him any minute now and wanted to take all he could while he was allowed.
"It's okay," Kevin said in what he hoped was a consoling tone, kicking himself mentally for being so bad at this. Wasn't he supposed to be good with people? "Everything will be okay."
"Thank you, Elder Price," Connor said in a surprisingly steady voice, regaining his perfect composure in minutes. "But it's almost time to wake the other Elders. I should go."
Connor gave Kevin one last squeeze, then started to pull away. Kevin reluctantly let him go, wishing he could do something - anything - to help. Kevin felt Connor's lips just barely brush his cheek as they separated, but Connor jumped up quickly before he could close the distance between them.
3.
Kevin stormed into the mission house later that day, Arnold close behind him murmuring "I'm so sorry" and "Are you all right?" even though he must be just as shaken as Kevin was.
Kevin had been closer though. He had seen the General's bullet enter the man's head, had felt the unpleasant sensation of warm blood splattering his face and his perfectly white shirt, as everyone around them started screaming. He felt another wave of nausea hit him with all the force of a moving train.
"Africa is nothing like The Lion King!" Kevin heard himself say stupidly. Maybe he was still in shock.
"He's upset because we just saw some guy get shot in the face," Arnold explained quietly to Elder McKinley, but Kevin still heard it.
He felt dizzy, and quickly forced himself to stop thinking about it, to stop playing it over and over again in his head, to stop wondering if he could have done something to stop it. He wanted to throw up, or go home, or sleep for days.
"Elder Price, you cannot lose your cool on me now!" Elder McKinley warned, but Kevin could see Connor's panic and concern behind the mask he wore. "We are about to be evaluated by the Mission President!"
"The Mission President!" Kevin felt giddy, grabbing Connor by the shoulders, then moving his hands to his cheek, his jaw, leaning closer, then....Then pulling back before he could get too carried away. What was wrong with him? "That's it!" he continued, as though nothing had happened. "I need to speak to the Mission President and get transferred!"
Everything was sort of a blur after that. Running away, fighting with Arnold and hurting his feelings, then curling up and falling asleep as he waited in the dark for the bus to come and get him.
He drifted off, thinking about the way Connor's eyes had lit up hopefully when he had nearly kissed him. Someplace deep inside him hoped he hadn't imagined it.
4.
Kevin shuddered in wordless horror as every action, every thought he'd ever felt guilty about taunted him.
It had started out as a normal hell dream, the brightness and shininess of Orlando abruptly falling into fire and brimstone. It was jarring, how quickly everything he wanted could be completely ripped out of his reach.
Everything he'd done that he was even slightly ashamed of - getting his brother into trouble, drinking coffee, that one time he'd cheated on a test because he was so overworked in his religious groups that he'd forgotten to study - right up to disappointing Connor and the other Elders by leaving and hurting Arnold in the process, all that repressed guilt came obstinately bubbling to the surface the way it always did. The part of him that knew it was only a dream was almost relieved. He would just wait it out, nothing here could hurt him.
Until Connor appeared.
Kevin felt his heart nearly drop out of his chest. Having these confusing thoughts for him when he was awake was the least of his problems now, because Connor was wearing some sort of tight, sparkly pink outfit that actually suited him better than his uniform did, and that was bad enough on its own but that infuriating flirty smirk- The perfect self-discipline that controlled everything Elder McKinley did in life was nowhere to be found here, and it was giving Kevin all sorts of ideas he'd feel guilty for later.
The background of every minor sin he'd ever committed faded into blackness as Connor confidently pulled him close and kissed him as though he'd never get the chance again.
Kevin still felt guilty. Connor was his District Leader for everything's sake, his friend who trusted him not to have sick fantasies about him, but Connor (dream-Connor anyway) was finally kissing him and pressing up against him and sucking bruises into his neck and collarbone and oh my God it was too good to stop or even consider stopping now. Kevin turned off the part of his brain that knew it wasn't real, placed a hand against Connor's firm chest and allowed himself to give in to sensation. Kevin felt his face heat up with a mixture of embarrassment and helpless arousal, then instead of trying to hide his....um...reaction, tentatively rolled his hips into Connor's, relishing the little gasp of surprise the boy made as they rubbed against each other. He was just as turned on by this as Kevin was, and that outfit left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Connor's hands were everywhere. His fingers tangled in Kevin's hair, pulling roughly while Kevin let his own hands roam all over the other boy's body as he moaned into his mouth and arched into his touch, and who cared if it wasn't real, nothing had ever been this good before-
"Elder Price?"
Kevin opened his eyes. It was daylight, and someone was shaking him awake.
Kevin sat up, finding himself surrounded by concerned Elders and- and Connor. He avoided his gaze and started explaining what had happened, until-
"Oh, you had the hell dream, didn't you?" Connor asked knowingly. "Was I in it?"
Kevin felt his face burn, suddenly very grateful that he didn't talk in his sleep.
5.
And then everything really did go to hell.
The General (Kevin refused to think about what had happened if he could help it), drowning his sorrows in coffee, Arnold's disaster, the play, being excommunicated from the church; it was just one painful fiasco after another, and then everything more or less went back to normal.
Well, maybe not quite. Arnold and Nabalungi had finally gotten together, and were so cute it was almost sickening. There were fewer rules, he and Arnold were best friends again, Connor had started talking to him more; Kevin corrected himself: things weren't normal, they were better.
He was still worried about Connor though. The past few weeks had been hard on everyone, having to unlearn everything they thought they knew about right and wrong, but Connor still didn't seem to know how to not turn off his feelings. Kevin hadn't had it half as hard as Connor had, but he was already more than sick of pretending. He liked Connor, in every single sense of the word, and perhaps with a few new Connor-specific meanings attached as well.
He had told Connor that he cared about him a little while after Arnold's whatever-they-were-calling-it, and Connor had also admitted to having feelings for him (though he had phrased it as "immoral thoughts"), but it was complicated.
He still wouldn't describe himself as gay, it was just as though he'd never really been interested in anybody until he was very, very much interested in Connor, and the fact that Connor was a boy didn't really come into it for him. But Connor was gay, and from the little he'd told Kevin he still thought it was horribly wrong.
Connor hadn't initiated any physical contact with him so far, which wasn't bad in and of itself, but adding in how reluctant he was when it came to talking about his feelings and it was enough to make Kevin a little worried. The first time they had fallen asleep on the (separate) couches together, Connor had woken up in a panic because of the nightmares, the hell dreams where he burned for eternity because of a part of himself that he hated and couldn't control. It had taken hours before Kevin was able to calm him down enough to come sleep with him in his bed and fall asleep in his arms.
Kevin wished he'd met Connor years earlier, wished so badly that he could have been there to show him how much his happiness matters before he had been taught to think that he was deserving of nothing more than hatred and hell. Kevin told him the next morning about the hell dream he'd had, intending to show Connor that he understood how awful they could be, but too soon he got to the part where he and dream-Connor had kissed and kissed and-
And then before he could help it he was drawing Connor closer as if to give him a demonstration, but Connor startled and turned quickly so Kevin's lips touched his cheek instead.
+ 1
Kevin waited for Connor to make an excuse and push him away, but nothing happened.
They stayed like that for a moment (an hour? Who could tell?), just being close and looking at each other and waiting for something to happen. Kevin was the one to decide that enough was enough, and kissed Connor's cheek again, firmly, decisively, making the other boy shiver into the contact and press ever closer. He let their foreheads bump together. Kevin felt his face flush as Connor licked his lips, stroking his hands gently through his hair and tugging slightly in a perfect imitation of the way dream-Connor had done. Kevin glanced down at the other boy's lips, noticing for the first time how soft they looked.
"Is this okay?" Kevin asked softly, continuing only once Connor nodded.
Kevin carefully placed a hand to Connor's cheek, gently stroking the warm skin underneath his thumb before pressing another kiss to Connor's temple, his nose, the corner of his mouth, and finally his lips.
There were still a lot of things they needed to talk about, and a lot of scars that might never completely heal, but in that moment it was easy to believe that everything would turn out for the best in the end.