Chapter Text
Despite the cold, unforgiving winter her breathing was heavy, her hair sweaty, cheeks red and the blood still throbbed hard in her ears. The freezing air burned her lungs, but she tried to gulp down big chunks of it, calming down her quick pulse. The environment did not make her business easier, even a simple stroll took way too much energy and fighting her way through the knee-deep snow consumed much of her fuel, not to mention climbing and occasionally running away from Trinity or various members of the local wildlife. The never-ending cold weather was an extra; she was always cold, didn’t matter how many layers she put on and her body desperately wanted to warm up.
God, she was starving. A glance toward the village with the promise of warm food and fire almost made her cry out loud of joy and a bit of desperation as well, because that meant more walking and struggling to get there and she was exhausted already. This alone forced a grump out of her.
And then there was the other thing: the village meant something else too. It meant she was closer to him again than necessary, making her less focused, less driven and more longing.
Not like he wasn’t in the back of her mind when she was on her mission taking down Trinity slowly, one by one, but she was still able to focus on her task ahead, keep moving, keep pushing, keep making her enemies run for their lives. Then she could finally feel like her old self, almost perfectly, but deep-deep down there was room for something else too. Like everything she started to notice forming recently inside her was still there, never gone, just retreated, because she needed to stay alive, to be able to return.
And it just got worse when she wasn’t occupied with work – or as Jonah liked to tell her putting herself constantly in danger like a bloody adrenaline junkie.
Well, it kept her alive, didn’t it?
But when she was at peace and could finally rest and recover then came everything else, the things she suppressed with all her strength and willpower. The truth is she wasn’t driven only because of the excitement of discoveries, to collect information, to solve riddles. The truth is she was hiding.
She willingly faced guns and monsters, creatures that wanted to kill her, but when it was about her and her personal life, her feelings, her wishes, Lara wasn’t that brave anymore. And Jacob’s request frightened her.
Jacob frightened her.
Being physically hurt is one thing, she knew how to treat an open wound, how to keep it clean, how long it took to heal and be healthy again. But emotions were a different game. With emotions you could never know how long it takes to recover from the pain – there is not physical gash to tend to, you cannot just make it better and it takes a longer time to heal. She still never really recovered from the trauma of finding her father with a bullet in his head; all her life was nothing more about but proving she was worthy of her father’s name and legacy. She tried to grow up to the expectations, she tried her best to prove her father wasn’t a madman and she still served her penance for not believing in him. She wasn’t ready to face another emotional challenge. She wasn’t brave enough to give a chance for love again – even if this was love or something that could be love. She wasn’t ready to be weak for someone just yet. Lara didn’t know when she will ever be ready again. What if she lost too much for it already? For feeling anything more than her instincts to keep her alive?
With a quick turn, she altered her route, facing away from the village and headed toward the silence of the last ruins you could find at the edge of the forest. It was one of her favourite places in the valley – cold yes, but also isolated and calm. She could just stay here to think and rest undisturbed. Even if the villagers were friendly to her by this time, showing how valuable ally she was for now to them, seeing them miserable and hurt was still difficult. Trinity was here because she led them here – Konstantin made that pretty clear to her. If it wasn’t her then the Remnants could have their undisturbed life... well, for a while. Because sooner or later someone would find them and Kitezh. She was able to find it after all and she was only a person. An organization like Trinity, with endless resources... maybe they would be slower than her, but eventually would find their way. Or someone else who was mad enough to believe the myths about an object that gives you immortality and don’t wipe them off the table like nonsense and tales.
Maybe it was time to let some of the blame go – she couldn’t have such an effect on the world after all. It would be ridiculously megalomaniac to think that much of her.
Leaning against the cold stone wall behind her, shoulder pressed against the sturdy greyness, fresh snow under her boots, due to missing a roof above her head and the cold silence around her worked like charm once again. Somehow in moments like this, all her worries scurried away leaving her empty and levitating in the nothingness, allowing her mind to be drifted anywhere. “The analyzing mood” as her father loved to call it, encouraging her to put herself above her problems and have a different viewpoint at them. Everything seems smaller from above, Lara.
Maybe it can help her to sort out some things, step over them, leave them behind her, a place as they should be and move forward.
There was too much Richard in her, Lara knew. Roth often mentioned it – usually, it made her proud, meaning she is her father’s daughter. But as years went on and she grew, slowly understood what it truly means to be Richard’s daughter.
The loneliness, the losing her roots, to never stay put and never find a place, to always chase something and be on the road all the time, playing games she doesn’t understand and when she finally does then it is way too late and she paid such a high price she wouldn’t pay in the first place if she would know better before. Losing family and friends – being a loner wasn’t her choice, rather something that was in her blood inherited. Her father was lucky enough to find her mother, someone who understood him and loved him. And when he lost her, he still had his daughter. But it wasn’t enough for him, was it?
But Lara wasn’t that lucky. She didn’t find a partner nor had her own family yet and she already lived on the next level of the ‘How to get killed early’ game. She was already a laughing matter in the press, already described as a lunatic, something that runs in the family. With such a reputation and with such a career how anyone could hope she will find someone? Damn, she didn’t even hope she will live to see her 30th birthday – not like she planned to die, but she wasn’t ignorant either.
Besides dragging someone into this... just wouldn’t be fair. Because happy endings were never in the package for her, neither romantic nights in the moonlight and candles and Valentines and all that stuff. Her idea of bonding time meant participating in adventures together and not a lot of guys loved to be lost in the middle of nowhere, tracking down centuries-old myths and risking his life. If something she wanted a partner, not a “strong man” in her life. She wanted someone who was her equal and just accepted her the way she was. Like her mother was to her father.
Then her mother died early. She wanted to spare that mysterious other and also herself from such fate.
And then Jacob walked into her life and asked her to stay here.
Doesn’t matter how often or how long she thinks about it she ends up with the same conclusion: Of course, it should mean nothing to her. Like a man whom she didn’t even know ask her to stay at a place where he lived which is meaning the middle of the frozen nowhere. She should say no right then and there, anyone would do that and could she blame them? Of course not, that is what a sane person would do. But until that point, she could pretend he was nothing more than just a short-lived ally, someone who didn’t want to kill her, but helped her only because their interests were meeting for a short while. She could ignore the forming warmness inside her, whenever Jacob was close and chased away any second thoughts about him. But if Lara wanted to be perfectly honest with herself and this was a great time to be like that, with this offer she cannot deny that she wanted to say yes to him.
She wanted to try. Wanted to give it a chance, more than ever before. All this longing, craving, wanting more was not about the valley or its people, nor the simpler, calmer life. It was about him and him only – wanting to be enveloped with his warmness, with his peace, his constant presence in her life.
Oh, she knew well this forming, demanding want inside her, had the luck to met with it way before her life changed and she knew very well where it led her.
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
She didn’t need this, not right now. She still hung off it like a lifesaver raft out in the open, stormy ocean, like she was choking if she will ever let it go and knowing very well not only she needed this, but also wanted this, more and more with each passing day. It was never about desire, not yet. She wanted him as a whole, flaws and perfection, all in one. Damn him for being here, for being in that cell, for talking to her and most importantly for asking her, pushing her into something she wasn’t ready for and knowing she cannot have it, but also she is too scared to grab it.
“I am such a coward.” she laughed bitterly to the open confession mean only for her to be heard.
“I never thought of you as a coward.” came the never expected answer from behind her, forcing her out of the meditative mood into an alerted one, already reaching toward a gear of her collection she can cause serious harm with, fingers brushing against the handle of her hunting knife.
The figure stepped back a bit, not expected such a reaction, but he should know better by this time. He figured because already showing up his hands, signing he was no threat.
Why he always had to sneak up on her?
Probably it wasn’t intended – it’s just the way he is, knows the land and be part of it, not ripping himself out of it.
Still, how he could always find her?
Let out a breath she wasn’t aware of holding back in the first place her posture relaxed, perfectly in contrast to her stirred mind, feeling how the tiredness, carried in her flesh and bones finally catching up with her mind.
“Please don’t do that again.” whispered, asking him gently, saying more than the mere words with it.
Please just leave me be.
He chuckled a bit, stepping closer, his presence gently eating itself into her mind, deeper and deeper. Lara could smell his scent – leather, earth and musk, started to feel familiar at this point, like a new kind of home, while she was miles away from her old one, which wasn’t a real home for a long time. Refused to open her eyes, didn’t need to see him when she could already feel him.
“I didn’t see you around lately,” he stated simply. His tone was always rich with a mixture of various things, time and emotions. Usually, calm acceptance, welcoming how things are and how they should be, but now it was deeper and richer with something else, like a hint of sadness, like he was missing something.
But I cannot do that.
Like he was missing... her.
“Hmm-mm… I was busy.”
“I heard about it. Tombs, soldiers…” His posture changed, hinting how easy he felt right now, how comfortable he became next to her. She noticed it too – it didn’t even need to take a long time to happen. They just got along well and were a good team right from the start, she knew. Something changed between “I thought about leaving you in the river.” and “We seem to be making a habit of saving each other.”
There’s no us, she once told him. They became us quicker than she realized.
Finally, Lara let the gentle smile spread on her lips, shrugging. “Just the usual things.”
The scary thing is how much truth was in that single sentence.
He smiled back, let it linger a moment longer but then it faded rapidly, eyes turned to be more serious. Lara knew what topic will come up now and she didn’t want to talk about it, not now, not like this. She just got back, was tired, dirty and hungry and just felt used. Had every reason to excuse herself and avoid this conversation, like she did and honestly how she planned to keep doing it.
But that was before and now she still didn’t move an inch or said anything. Silently looked at him, waiting. Maybe it is better this way, maybe it is better to put an end to this now.
Jacob took a deep breath “You didn’t have the time to think about what I’ve said before I guess.” started, gently approaching the topic, making it clear it is not much easier to him like it was to her. It made her wonder for a second, how it could feel for him? She was so occupied by her thoughts and feelings and goals, never gave a single minute to approach this from a different angle, from his angle. She walked alone on this route for such a long time, she started to become selfish? Not in a way others usually label each other – she just got used to thinking for her. Her wellbeing, her future, her goals. There was Jonah as well of course and keeping him safe was also her priority, but that meant keeping him away from danger and she was alone most of the time.
And Jacob felt similar and still different to her. He was alone for a long time like she was. But he also had people to think about. They had each other, even if he was their leader he still could lean on them – but he also put some distance between them and him. Seeing him struggle now hinted this or more likely she was unexpected to happen, a turn he did not foresee, a surprise that happened out of nowhere. A gift or a curse, he didn’t decide yet and was about to find out.
Maybe the way to destroy him is not only through leading death into his valley.
Lara felt tensing up a bit as she was facing him, looked up. She had to do this and now.
“Jacob, we both know I cannot stay.”
And she won’t, she knew. She can until she satisfies her curiosity, learning everything she can of this place and their history, but then she will go away, up for the next challenge, the next myth and she won’t look back. Like a bee, flying from flower to flower – there is always the next adventure to take on.
And still the feeling of want was there again. Wanted to try. Give it a chance. Wanted to see if it works, where it can evolve, where they can evolve together.
He didn’t answer to her, didn’t tell her “Yes I know.” and just accept it and walk away from it, maybe wondering what it could be if the time would be right. In a way, he was as stubborn as she is, walking her toward a cliff and she was realizing it only when they were already at the edge.
She was too tired for this game now and she wasn’t a great player either. Things were pretty straightforward with her and that’s why she was sucking with human interactions altogether.
“What do you even want from me?” asked, voice broken, just too overwhelmed to keep her shield up anymore, let him see her bare and defenceless, maybe the first time. He did see her injured, bleeding, wet and almost frozen to death, unconscious, but he never saw her fragile, like she was made of glass, instead of the steel, forged in fire.
Slowly raised his hand to touch her cheek, caressing her scarred skin, fingers skimmed and gently brushed some hair behind her ear. “I only want a chance to know you better.”
Because in all my years, I’ve met few as extraordinary as you.
A dismissive noise escaped from her like she didn’t believe him.
“I don’t belong here.”
“Where do you belong then?”
“I don’t know.” Oh, how many times she wondered about the same question “Nowhere.”
The stillness enveloped them as they stood there, him holding her close and she let herself be held for once.
“Why are you doing this to me?”
Her voice was almost begging to stop doing this to her, but she also needed to know. This was the question she couldn’t answer on her own, doesn’t matter how often she was thinking about it. Usually, people weren’t that hard to crack open; Matthias wanted to leave the island and was willing to do anything for it, crossing a line in the process there was no return. Sam wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Roth only wanted to protect her and their friends. Her father wanted to prove his right to the world and maybe to have a second chance with her mother. Jonah felt almost ridiculously loyal to her even if it put him constantly in danger and bad examples were in front of him how her friends ended. Lara herself, well, she would say she wanted to know the truth of the world.
But Jacob was a mystery. Yes, he wanted to protect the valley and his people in it, but she always had the feeling she was only scratching the surface – something Jacob allowed her to do, but won’t let her further.
He moved, searching her gaze. She looked right into those gentle blue eyes full of warmness and damn him, damn all this, damn Trinity, they pushed her here. To him.
Or was it meant to happen after all?
“Maybe you just didn’t find the right place yet. You are not lost and don’t need guidance either, but God is my witness I’d follow you anywhere.”
She scoffed at that: who would want to follow her? She wasn’t a leader. The only place she can lead people to is kind of permanent and they cannot return. Contagious, a plague, like she thought earlier.
“Why would you do that?”
It seemed like her question made him think a bit, debating about his answer. Then pulled her closer and gave her a very soft, gentle kiss on her lips. He couldn’t wound her more – the edge of that cliff was nowhere now as he pushed her forward with one final, single move and she was falling freely now with rapid speed and the ground was getting closer and closer.
It felt like slowly slipping into the warmness and don’t mind anything else. It felt good but also frightened her, letting everything out of her control and just be, let the things turn out on their own and not trying to overwatch everything. Was that a bad thing? Losing the control? Just let it finally happen, let everything fall in pieces and scatter away. Why not? That duvet was around her again and she knew she was unable to let it go ever again.
It was everything she needed: warm, gentle, careful, loving. The sun was finally here, bringing Spring with itself and she was suddenly flying, finally, as she always meant to be, higher and higher as close to the warm rays as she could, bathing in gold.
When he parted just a breath away from her, opened his mouth and gave her the simplest answer ever.
“Because I want to.”
At that moment everything was just so simple.