Chapter Text
The nightmares are still here, of course they are.
They live in the new house like uninvited guests, they like to move the curtains to make Lily think there are ghosts, they sleep in the sink and stare at Sebastian when it’s one in the morning, and he just woke up from a nightmare, and he tries to spit the taste of blood that lingers in his mouth — but nothing spills past his lips.
They don’t pay rent but wave knives in Sebastian’s mind when he’s just cutting up carrots to go with the chicken nuggets in the microwave, they crawl out of Lily’s closet when she turns her back to it.
They’re importunating, obnoxious visitors that come into the living room with dirty shoes — but Sebastian and Lily manage.
Lily goes to school again. She’s a brilliant kid, sensitive and creative, if a bit reserved. Her art impresses her teacher — her understanding of color theory and composition, if subconscious, are anchored into her psyche and allow her to make truly stunning pieces for a ten-year-old.
Sometimes, she draws a downturned smile on her face in self-portrait and fire all around her. Her teacher feels a bit sad.
Sometimes, she draws a man in a suit dismembering women with a curved knife. Her teacher calls her dad.
She sees a counselor.
There are things that come back, night after night, nightmare after nightmare. There is this mute acknowledgment between her and her dad — something happened that we cannot speak of.
Sebastian wonders if she’s fully aware of what she had gone through for all these years. She smiles like she doesn’t know.
Sebastian works from home. He doesn’t earn that much, but he can provide for Lily.
Between these walls, he is safe.
He makes Lily breakfast like he used to on mornings, pancakes on Sundays, drives her to school in this red car that makes a little bit too much noise for his taste now.
When she waves goodbye to him as she walks into the building, Sebastian feels his throat tighten and his chest grow dark with a bile of terror.
What if it’s the last time I see her ? What if it’s the last time I see her ?
He’s shaking when he drives back home and needs fifteen minutes to calm down, but every afternoon Lily waves “hi” when she exits the building, and Sebastian smiles.
He helps Lily with her Spanish homework. The words are so natural in his throat and on his tongue, and his smile radiates with pride when she succeeds to roll her R’s. He sings to her in that language and her big blue eyes look at him in awe.
Lily doesn’t want to wear her pink dresses anymore. Sebastian lets her put boys’ shirts and shorts in the shopping cart. He calls her handsome when she walks out of the fitting room.
Her new nickname, “Tiger Lily”, makes her smile brighter than anyone thought she could.
This house is smaller than their old home but bigger than the one he shared with Myra when Lily was gone.
Lily decorated her own room, chose some cushions for the sofa in the living room. There are plants on the deck and the large sliding doors let in all of the warm afternoon sun. The cat is an asshole, but he curls up against Sebastian’s side at night.
Sebastian sits on the couch and lets himself think.
The pictures and Lily’s drawings on the wall look covered in honey in the golden evening light. The cat aggressively gnaws on a piece of chicken Sebastian left him. Lily is doing her math homework and humming one of Sebastian’s songs.
Sebastian smiles. His heart gleams with warmth.
“ This is the life I’ve been striving for. ”
He turns to the woman who shares his life, excited to catch the same glee in the shimmering pupil of her blue eyes and the sun running playfully in her blonde locks.
The couch is empty beside him.
Shared .
Sometimes Sebastian thinks of Myra.
When he washes his face, before dawn even breaks, to chase the nightmares with cold water, expecting her to walk into the bathroom in her satin robe.
When he changes into his sleepwear, almost sure he heard her rustle in the sheets.
When he cooks, persuaded she’s standing behind him, waiting to taste his dish.
But she never comes.
He thinks of Myra.
Of how there is no grave to come to. No tombstone to lay on to cry. No hill of grass to bring flowers to.
At least it saves the funeral money, eh ?
It’s not even funny.
He thinks of Myra.
Wonders where she is, how she feels (does she even feel now ?), not knowing a thing but two :
one, she sacrificed herself for him and Lily to live long and happy lives ;
two, she won’t ever come back.
Some days, he has made peace with these thoughts.
Some days, he hasn’t.
Lily laughs happier with each passing day and cries harder with each passing night.
Pancakes on Sundays smell like stability and Sebastian’s old car like happy days from another timeline.
Juli texts him often and even convinced him to get Skype. When Sebastian asks her what she’s doing with her life these days, she smiles and says, “I’m figuring it out”.
“ Joseph isn’t dead. ”
Between the welcoming walls of their new home, in the midst of the smells of batter and flowers, Sebastian lives in wait.
Joseph will come back.
Joseph will come home.