Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He couldn’t stand going to Camelot after- after Arthur. They wouldn’t blame him

(they were all too nice) (he used to be that nice) (then he grew up)

but he blamed himself. It was his job to protect Arthur. To bring about Albion and the Once and Future King, and it was his fucking job and he fucking screwed it up.

-

He knows, somehow, that Percival is about to die. And while he didn’t want to leave the lake (arthur could come back and merlin would rather die than miss his waking moments), the wind pushes him away, as if to say that Arthur should rest with all his knights.

(he tried to argue that both elyan and lancelot were already there, and why would arthur need knights in death?)

He knows it was a pointless argument; had already given in before the wind had started. Percival is a great knight, a great man, and he deserves a proper funeral- a funeral only Merlin can give him. And so he finds himself on the road to Camelot for the first time in seventeen years.

Percival is lying in Gaius’s chambers, because of course he is. None of the knights seemed to know how to die quietly. Merlin only needs to stand over the cot for less than a minute before Percival stirs, his eyes opening.

“Heya, Merlin,” he says, not surprised despite him being gone for bordering two decades now. “It’s been awhile.”

“I’m sorry, Perce. I’m so sorry. I failed I failed I failed.” Merlin’s face crumbles and he buries his face in his hands. “And I should’ve come back, I know I should’ve but I couldn’t face a Camelot without Arthur, but that doesn’t give me an excuse for not checking in on Gaius and Gwen and Leon and Gwaine and you-”

Percival cuts him off by pulling Merlin’s hands from his face. “Merlin. Merlin, it’s okay.” He brings their hands to his heart. “Breathe, Merlin. Breathe with me. In two three four, hold two three four, out two three four. In two three four, hold two three four, out two three four.” He continues with it until Merlin copies his breathing pattern and no longer looks so wild-eyed.

“It’s okay, Merlin. We understood, even if we did want to see you again.” He smiles at Merlin, but it soon slips away. “Did you say Gwaine?”

Merlin nods before a look of horror comes upon his face. “Did- is Gwaine…”

“Yeah. Morgana killed him. I’m sorry, Merlin, I really am.”

He shakes his head before asking where Gwaine had been laid to rest. If he knows, maybe he can bring his body (his seventeen years of decomposing body, if it could be called that anymore) to the lake. A last apology to Gwaine, even if it would be too late.

A cough brings him away from his thoughts. “I’m dying, aren’t I?” Percival closes his eyes. “That’s why you’re here. To bring me to Lake Avalon. Gaius told us about it.”

Merlin smiles, though it’s not a happy one. “Arthur needs his knights for when he rises again. Are you ready to go?”

Percival opens his eyes one last time. “His enemies are my enemies.”

Merlin doesn’t remember how they got back to the lake. But now Perce is floating away, and now his hand is outstretched, and now he’s whispering the word he’s said so many times before, and now there’s a fire in the middle of the lake.

But he can’t dwell for long. He wades into the lake, close to where he once pulled Arthur out all those years ago, and sprinkles the ashes Percival had kept in his chambers into the water.

(arthur now has lancelot and elyan and percival and gwaine) (merlin wonders if he should be ashamed that he finds himself wishing for gaius and gwen and leon to die) (but he’s changed, even if he promised his king he wouldn’t)

Chapter Text

It was only a few months later when Merlin finds himself on the road to Camelot once more. His protests to the wind were halfhearted this time at best, and nonexistent at worst.

(this time it’s gaius and merlin doesn’t think he’ll be able to live through that) (it was so hard with arthur and how will it be when he has to guide his mentor father to his death?)

This time, when he arrives, Gaius isn’t alone. Gwen is sitting beside him, tears streaming down her cheeks while Gaius pats her hand. “It’s okay, Gwen,” he’s saying. “My time has come and it’s there’s nothing we can do about it. Now go. I don’t think he’ll come until I’m alone.”

As Gwen shuts the door behind her, Merlin steps out from behind the curtains. “How did you know it was me who took Percival,” he asks as he walks to where Gwen had been. “How-”

“Who else would have taken him from his deathbed?” At Merlin’s anguished look, he adds, “It’s alright, my boy. You’re okay. We don’t blame you; we could never blame you.”

“But you should. It’s my fault; I was supposed to protect him, to stand by his side as he legalized magic, to… to…

“Half of me is gone now. The better half of me is gone and I don’t know what to do. Kilgharrah said he’ll rise again, but when ? When will I be complete again, when will I no longer be alone, when ? And I know that I could come back, that Gwen and Leon would welcome me and shit but can’t you see? Camelot doesn’t exist . Maybe that’s not fair to you but it’s true. Camelot is nothing without Arthur and I am less than nothing without Arthur.”

Gaius watches him through his whole outburst, not once removing his hand from Merlin’s. “Merlin,” he says

(and merlin can’t with this tone he’s going to die )

“Merlin, you’re the best out of all of us. You’re the strongest. And I wish I could do something to help you but I can’t. You’ll just need to live on and wait. You’ll just have to wait for us and soon, the days will seem like hours. The years will be months. And we’ll be with you once again and I promise, I promise that you won’t have to be alone again.

“Now come. Help me up. I’d like to see Lake Avalon before I die.” Gaius smiles at Merlin and he feels like he’s about to burst

(it should be the other way around. gaius is about to die; he should be comforting him )

but he just grabs his arm and helps him to his feet.

When they arrive, Gaius is in Merlin’s arms, and he cracks his eyes open long enough to see the lake shining in the sun. Merlin smiles down at him. “Arthur’s waiting for you.”

“If he needs an old man.” and he closes his eyes for the last time.

Chapter Text

When Gwen died, Camelot crumbled.

(camelot had already crumbled long ago. gwen was lovely, yes, and the best queen one could ever ask for, but merlin couldn’t stand a camelot without arthur)

Leon was still around, yes, and he was wonderful, but the beloved king and queen had left no heir to the throne. Riots had started in the streets when it was announced that Guinevere was on bedrest, noblemen had started to gather knights around them to better vie for the throne, and Leon was but one man.

Gwen was lying on the bed when Merlin came in through the window, and he thought himself too late, she was so still. Upon closer look, he saw her chest slowly moving. Her eyes opened as he crossed the room.

“Merlin,” she said, her hand reaching up to his face. “Merlin, you haven’t aged a day.”

“And you, my queen-” he cracked a smile, “have aged beautifully.”

“Stop with the titles, Merlin. I’m dying. It’s just two friends now, not a queen and a servant.” She paused, then looked up at him. “Do you remember the day we met?”

“Ah, you mean when I was in the stocks? You said I didn’t look like one of those, what was it, ‘real rough, tough, save the world kind of men’.”

Gwen snorted. “Well, you didn’t! Although I suppose what you said in response was true, wasn’t it? You really were in disguise.”

“Maybe,” Merlin said, “but I also remember saying that your future husband was a bully.”

“He was. And then he met you. You changed all of us, Merlin-”

“No, Gwen, don’t say-”

“No, listen to me, Merlin . You did. We never could have had this, could have made this, without you. You brought us all together, and we never gave you credit.”

“I never asked for credit. I didn’t need it.”

And in response, Gwen just looked away and clutched his hand (and when had she grabbed his hand?) tighter.

“Will you show me to my final resting place, Merlin? Will you bring me to my husband’s grave?”

(gwen was crying, now, but she was so so silent) (if merlin hadn’t been looking at her) (if he hadn’t been staring at her face, committing it to memory) (he would never have known)

“It’s alright, Gwen. I’m here. I won’t leave you until you leave me first.”

She looked up at him at that. “Merlin? Promise me this one thing.”

“Anything, my queen. You know I’d give you anything.” He was crying now, too, and his words were choking him.

“Don’t leave Leon alone. Bring me to Avalon and then return . Don’t leave him.”

When Merlin got to the lake, when he put Gwen down on the boat and brushed her hair away from her face, when he asked Gwen if she was ready, she smiled up at him.

“You know the answer.”