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Keith is a cynic. Tell him whatever you want about soulmates but he’ll tell you in return that it’s complete and utter bullshit. The universe is an asshole. If every person had that one person that was meant to compliment them completely then why was the divorce rate so high? Why were families ripped apart because moms and dads couldn’t make it work? Why did teenagers and adults alike spend night after night sleeping their way from one warm bed to the next?
And if the subject of soulmates isn’t enough to put Keith in a bad mood then don’t even get him started on the concept of love. It was an even bigger pile of bullshit and Keith wanted no part of it. Maybe Keith had gotten the raw end of the deal more times than any one person should be allowed when it came to love but one thing he was absolutely sure of, he was better off alone. And if you didn’t believe him then he had a catalog of bad memories and love gone wrong scenarios to make even the biggest romantic at heart turn into an unfeeling shell of a being.
Example One: He never knew his mother. She just up and left him. He was a baby with no memory and no picture of her. The only thing he knew as a small child was that she supposedly loved him very much. Yea right. You don’t just up and leave your own child because you love him. Who the hell does that anyway?
Example Two: He was only nine, maybe ten when his dad died. Now granted his dad didn’t up and leave him like his mom did, but he was alone. His dad died a hero saving some kids from a burning building but damn it if it didn’t sting to know that his dad was never coming home and he no longer had anyone he could call family.
Example Three: Foster homes were shit. These people put on a show for the social service workers and smile pretty and tell you sweet words to make you think you’re something. But behind closed doors, they yell and hit, call you a freak, try to pray the gay out of you.
Those were only the tip of the iceberg. That was just a small list of why he didn’t believe in love. His list of reasons why the concept of soulmates was trash, well that list is an even harder pill to swallow.
Example One: Not only did his mom leave him, but she left his dad as well. If they were so perfect for each other, then how the hell was she strong enough to just up and leave? How do you feel so much for someone but walk out the door and tell them goodbye as if they were nothing more than just an acquaintance?
Example Two: Shiro, the person he considered the closest thing to family up and left his fiancé. Now granted he was trying to be noble and spare the guy from watching him die, but seriously, that’s about as fucked up as it gets. Don’t get him wrong, he loves Shiro but he was an idiot. Keith understands the whole dying thing isn’t something he would want to face, but to just up and leave? And if that wasn’t bad enough then karma kicked his ass when he was down. Through all the fighting and capture and torture that Shiro went through he gets back home just to find out that his fiancé died only months before he made it back home. Soulmate my ass.
Example Three: Fighting tooth and nail to deny your feelings for someone only to watch them fall in love with someone else. Fuck off, Keith is not talking about that one and that’s all you need to know about that scenario.
Example Four: Keith has watched the person he considers one of his best friends lose his girlfriend. Not just the sad breakup kind of loss. No, he watched this kind hearted, generous, selfless boy give his heart to her and she sacrificed her life to safe not only the Paladins, but the entire universe.
If any of those examples were what it meant to have a soulmate then Keith would give it a resounding fuck you and a flip of his middle finger to go with it.
But little did Keith know, the universe wasn’t always so cruel and heartless.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
It’s not quite dusk when Keith makes it to New Altea. Once a year the Paladins and Coran gather at the base of Allura’s statue and have dinner and make time to catch up with each other. They each have their own things and they don’t see each other as much as they used to. If anything it’s a bit disheartening to go from living with the same people day in and day out, fighting a galactic war, and then only seeing each other here and there. It left Keith feeling a bit out of sorts for the first few months. He still wasn’t used to it but three years later and he was learning to make time for each of his friends, teammates, family. He was a few days early this year, but that was nothing new either.
He’s barely landed when Kosmo zaps from the cockpit. He just shakes his head and grabs his bag and heads out. He hears the sound of children screaming and laughing when he exits and sees Kosmo zapping in and out between six or seven young kids playing some sort of chasing game. Keith just watches the scene with a smile on his face. He doesn’t even flinch when an arm is flung over his shoulder from seemingly out of nowhere. “About time you got here Mullet!”
Keith just lets out a soft huff, “Nice to see you too Lance.”
There are no words between the two of them for several long minutes as they continue to watch the kids. There doesn’t need to be, they’ve grown into the sort of friends where comfortable silence is just as welcome as the playful bickering the sometimes fall into. But Keith means it when he says it’s nice to see Lance. It’s nice to see him with a smile on his face after so much hurt, it’s nice to see him ease back into the playful teen he used to be before the war, it’s nice to see him without the pinched look and shuffling steps of someone who wanted nothing more to follow his girlfriend where he couldn’t go.
He knows Lance will always love Allura, and that’s okay with Keith. He wouldn’t expect him not to love her. And he knows he will always remember her. His face will always hold a constant reminder, not just a reminder of the love they shared, but a reminder of just Allura and who she was.
After a few more minutes Lance moves away and Keith tries not to think about how he misses the weight of that tanned arm around his neck. There’s been more of that between them each time they see each other. More touches, hugs, subtle brushes of Lance’s fingers on Keith’s arm or his back. Keith doesn’t want to think what it might mean for Lance. Lance is a physical person, but he’s boisterous with his affection for his friends. It’s the softer touches that make Keith feel like it could mean something more. He can’t let himself get drawn in so he doesn’t reciprocate. Keith also doesn’t notice the bit of frown on Lance’s face when he shifts on his feet just enough to not make it seem like he’s trying to escape, but just enough to move away from those dangerous touches.
He sees Kosmo spot Lance from where he’s playing with the kids and just as Lance bends down to grab one of Keith’s bags there’s a pop and Lance is on the ground with a lap full of cosmic space wolf. Keith can’t help the laugh as Kosmo tries to lick every inch of Lance’s face, heedless to Lance’s every protestation even as he gives a generous helping of scratches behind Kosmo’s ears.
A couple of hours later and Keith is freshly showered and holding a plate of takeout. Lance is sitting on a beat up couch next to him, Kosmo is lying at their feet, and Keith is having an internal monologue with himself and trying to push back the longing for something so domestic. Keith does not do domestic.
Lance reaches out and nudges at Keith with a sock covered foot, “You ok over there? You’ve been a bit quiet tonight.”
Keith puts his plate down and sighs. He refuses to burden Lance with his possible feelings because Lance has been through enough and Keith doesn’t do feelings so the whole point of trying to start that conversation would be useless. Instead he just deflects, “Yea I’m just tired.”
Lance gives him a look, but the thing about Lance is, even if he knows Keith is lying his ass off he lets it go. He just gets up and brings the dishes to the kitchen and lets Keith have this. Keith falls asleep to the soft sounds of Lance cleaning up, dish water running in the sink, dishes clinking softly against one another, music floating from somewhere in the kitchen, and Lance’s soft voice as he sings along. And Keith still tells himself he doesn’t want this, but oh he dreams of it; he dreams of strong arms, a warm body next to his at night, the comforting smell of suntan lotion and salt water, and soft kisses stolen in private moments.
Keith wakes up in the guest bedroom with no recollection of how he got there. He thinks maybe remembers the heat of warm hands on his waist and soft whispers of goodnight when his body finally sinks into warm blankets. It’s not yet morning and Keith has far too many ideas running through his head so he grabs some clothes from his bag, a pair of beat up shoes and decides to clear his mind with a run.
Instead of clearing his head, his morning run does just the opposite. He finds himself thinking back on a conversation he had with Shiro just weeks ago.
“You should tell him how you feel.” Keith glares at Shiro through the screen.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Shiro just huffs and gives Keith an exasperated look, “You know there’s nothing wrong with having feelings. I get you feel a bit jaded with everything you’ve been through, but aren’t you missing out on more by not seeing where things go?”
“No thanks. I don’t need to see where anything goes just to find out it won’t work out and be left in the same predicament I’m in now. Why go through all of that when I can save myself some heartache.”
Shiro just sighs, “Not every relationship ends in heartache Keith.”
“Tell that to my dad, or Lance. Better yet tell that to Adam.”
Keith realizes a second too late just what he’s said and his face pales considerably. There’s a flash of something and Shiro’s face seems to harden before softening back to normal. “Shiro, I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean it.”
“It’s ok Keith. I know what you meant. Just…..the universe isn’t always out to get you. Sometimes people are allowed a second chance. I was fortunate enough to find someone else to love. It’s not that far off to think that one day…”
“Don’t Shiro. Don’t finish that sentence.”
Shiro lets out a sad sigh, “Keith.”
“I said don’t Shiro.”
“Ok Keith. Just give it some thought. You know you deserve to be happy as well.”
Keith was punching out some coordinates on the flight panel in front of him. There was a scowl on his face as he let the irritation of this conversation grate on him, “I am happy. My heart has never been broken, I’ve helped save the universe, and things are going good. I’m happy.”
“But you could be happier.”
When Keith finally stopped running he bent over at the waist, hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. He looked up and realized he couldn’t even see the small farm house that belonged to Lance. He straightened up and began to slowly walk back in the direction he came from. Even with all of his running he still felt some indescribable itch under his skin. He looked up at the sky and noticed the gray clouds in the distance.
A storm was coming.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Lance’s family lives close by and every time Keith visits there’s at least one night when everyone gathers at the McClain house. There’s enough food to feed the entire planet, the drinks are strong, there’s kids everywhere, and the night always ends in music, dancing and laughter. Tonight is no exception. Lance’s mama hugs Keith when she sees him. She pats his cheek, “You should come over more often. That food goo they feed you isn’t putting enough meat on those skinny arms of yours.”
He’s handed a beer from Luis and he makes his way outside. Lance’s family is huge, but one thing Keith has never felt was suffocated or overwhelmed. There’s something about Lance’s family that’s warm and inviting without being too overbearing. Even now after all this time, Keith still feels a bit of a disconnect with Krolia. He loves his mom, but sometimes the wounds just run too deep.
Long after all of the food is gone, Keith is sitting outside with Lance, Veronica, Luis, Lisa, Marco, and Lance’s parents. Everyone is seated in fold out lawn chairs and there’s a small fire. Keith is feeling warm and his limbs are slightly floaty, he’s definitely had a lot of drinks. Rachel comes outside with a guitar in her hand, “Hey look what I found in one of the boxes upstairs!”
She hands it to Marco with a grin. He just shakes his head, “You know I was never good at this thing. Lance was always better than any of us.”
Keith was blind-sided by this new information, “You can play the guitar?”
Lance is grinning, “Oh you bet your sweet ass I can play this baby! Marco begged and begged to get a guitar and turned out to be crap at it. I used to steal it when he wasn’t home and taught myself how to play. It pissed Marco off when he found out I was better at this than he was.”
Keith rolled his eyes, “Why am I not surprised?”
Marco handed the guitar to Lance and Keith watched as those long fingers plucked out a few chords, made some adjustments and winked at Keith, “Prepare to have your mullet blown away!”
True to his word, Lance is amazing. His fingers move with precision and a fluidity that Keith didn’t think was possible. The notes and chords flowed smoothly. He played song after song that he and his siblings sang with gusto. Many of them Keith had never heard of, songs that Lance and his family grew up listening to in Cuba. And then Veronica grabs a towel and tucks it around Lance’s neck like a scarf. The pair of them have matching smiles on their face and Lance stands up. All of the kids start whistling and cheering.
Lisa looks to be just as lost as Keith when she nudges her husband, “What is going on?”
Luis is practically bouncing in his seat, “Lance is about to sing for mama.”
Keith can only watch as Lance gets into character. He adjusts the guitar and shifts a bit as if testing out his hip motion. Then he takes the towel from around his neck and wraps it around his mama’s neck just like Elvis Presley used to do for one unsuspecting fan at his concerts. And then he steps back and sings. His voice has gone gritty and his eyes are shining as he belts out the first line of Heartbreak Hotel.
Keith is dead, or possibly dying. Lance has no right to stand there and move those hips in such an ungodly way, or to sing in such a perfect imitation of Elvis. Keith knows he is well and truly fucked. He can no longer deny he feels something for Lance, but there’s an ache because he won’t act on it. He won’t open his heart because he knows it will hurt too much when it ends. And it will end because love never lasts and it most certainly won’t last for someone like Keith.
Lance has cycled through Blue Suede Shoes, Jailhouse Rock, Don’t Be Cruel and several more. Keith is caught up in the laughter on Lance’s face as his mama gives him a playful swat on his arms and a quick kiss to his cheek. He’s about to put the guitar down when Rachel stops him. “NO! Not yet! You have to play mama and papa’s song!”
Lance grins and picks the guitar back up. He sits down and plucks a few chords then smiles at his mama. Keith feels his breath catch at the way Lance’s voice drops and when those first few words leave his mouth he knows he’ll never be able to deny the love struck look on his face. But he’s ok with knowing his own feelings are out of control because he knows he’ll never act on them. It’s ok until Lance turns and his eyes lock onto Keith and his face loses the carefree smile he was wearing while he was singing to his mama. But now he’s looking at Keith and Keith cannot handle Lance looking at him like that. He was better off when he could only assume what Lance’s subtle touches meant. There’s a softness to Lance’s face when he sings those words and Keith is not ok.
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can’t help falling in love with you
Keith abruptly stands up. He has to go. He’s not sure where he’s going but he can’t stay. He can’t breathe, he needs to move, he needs to…..
He runs.
Keith runs the few feet to the house and he makes it to the kitchen. He’s leaning over the sink, his hands braced on either side and he can’t for the life of him remember how to breathe. He hears the door open and unsure footsteps. He feels a hand on his shoulder and jumps away as if he’s been burned. He turns to see Lance standing there, “Keith are you ok?”
Keith has a glass in his hand and he turns to pour water from the sink in it to make himself look busy, “I’m fine. I just needed some water.”
Lance takes a step forward, “Are you sure?”
Keith’s voice comes out harder than he means, “I said I’m fine Lance.”
He watches as Lance takes a step back, a look of shock on his face, “I’m sorry. I just needed to get away for a second. I’m fine.”
Keith can’t read the look on Lance’s face. It looks as if he’s trying to hide some sort of hurt, “Did I do something?”
Keith lets out a huge sigh, “Just leave it Lance I’m fine. You didn’t do anything.”
But Keith is anything but fine. He hears the distant sound of thunder and people are making their way inside as the wind starts to pick up and there’s the tell-tale sound of large raindrops starting to land on the roof. He’s starting to panic. He needs to get out of here but he’s trapped. The rain is getting louder and he knows Lance’s mama will make them stay the night. But it’s all too much and when Lance tries again to get Keith to talk he loses control.
“Keith, just talk to me.”
Keith flings the glass in his hand across the room and it shatters on the wall, “I said leave it Lance. I don’t need to talk about anything.”
The sound of glass breaking startles him out of his anger and he stops to see Lance’s mama in the door. “I’m sorry. I…I didn’t mean….I’m sorry.”
He’s still stumbling over his words when he gets to his knees and starts picking up pieces of glass with his bare hands. Small hands wrap around his and he sees Lance’s mama kneeling next to him. He’s trembling and he can’t stop, his palms and fingers are covered in small scratches from the glass, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. I’ll fix it.”
She pushes a lock of hair from Keith’s face, “Shh, it’s ok. It’s just a glass.”
Keith shifts away, “I have to go.”
Lance’s mama squeezes his hand mindful of the cuts, “It’s raining, just stay here it’s ok.”
This time Keith manages to get to his feet, “I’m sorry. I can’t stay I have to go.”
He can’t look at Lance, he can’t look at his brothers and sisters gathered in the door staring at him. He can’t look at Lance’s mama with concern on her face so he takes a step back and turns. He’s pushing the door open and hears Lance call his name but he keeps running. The rain is coming down so hard he’s soaked in seconds. The sky is one lightening flash after another and the thunder is so deep he feels the rumble in his chest but he keeps running. He keeps running and doesn’t stop.
Keith doesn’t know where he is, but his legs have finally started to give out on him. He’s had to catch himself once or twice to keep from landing on his knees. He takes stock of his surroundings and he’s on the edge of a cliff and there’s water below. The storm has waves crashing over the edge and the cold spray from the water has Keith gasping. He licks his lips and tastes the salt in the air. He stands as close to the edge as he dares and screams. He lets everything he’s feeling come out through his lungs. He feels his voice ripping from his throat. He falls to his knees with his head titled back and lets the sobs overtake his body. He stays until he has no more tears, he stays until his voice gives out, he stays there until he shivers from the cold, he stays until the rain stops.
Keith stands up and feels the ache in his knees from kneeling in one position for so long. He’s wet and he’s cold as he starts trudging through the mud and muck to try and make his way back to something that looks familiar. He’s only been walking for twenty minutes when an old beat up truck pulls up next to him and Lance climbs out, slamming the door behind him. “What the hell were you thinking back there? I’ve been looking for you for hours!”
Oh, Lance is pissed. “Yea I’m pissed. You ran out of mama’s house and no one could find you. Did you think I was gonna laugh? Did you think this was some kind of joke Keith?”
“I told you I didn’t want to talk and you wouldn’t let it go.”
Lance stomped through the mud and poked Keith’s chest. “You’re damn right I wouldn’t let it go. I get if you don’t feel the same way about me, but man up and tell me to my face instead of this running away bullshit.”
Keith feels his anger coming back the more Lance lays into him, “Not everything is all about you Lance.”
“No of course not because you make it all about you don’t you?”
Keith let out a hiss, “Why can’t you let this go?”
“Because I want to know what the fuck you’re so scared of Keith. Are you scared of me? Or are you just scared of having feelings? I think I deserve to know so I don’t waste my time.”
The rain has started falling again and Keith wipes at the water falling in his eyes. “I am not scared of you. You don’t know anything about me. And I never asked you for anything more than friendship so don’t act like I’m wasting your time.”
“Well what if I want more than friendship?”
Keith’s throat was already raw from earlier but he couldn’t contain his anger and frustration, “AND WHAT IF I DON’T WANT ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT? WHY IS IT THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I WANT?”
Lance stood toe to toe with Keith, his face was inches away and he was screaming just as loud, “BECAUSE WE WANT THE SAME DAMN THING!”
Keith's voice is starting to break, “I never asked for any of this.”
Lance just shook his head, “No one asks for love you idiot. I just don’t know why you won’t let me love you. What has you running so far away from me that you just can’t let me in?”
After all the yelling and the hours of being cold and wet, Keith’s resolve cracks and the words just tumble out before he can stop them, “Because you’ll leave me just like everyone else. You’ll realize that I’m not worth it, that I’m….you’ll just leave….you’ll just…..I’ll be alone again.”
Without warning Lance was gripping both of Keith’s arms and spinning him around until his back was up against the truck and Lance has him pinned with his lips. The kiss is hard and desperate. Lance’s hands are on his face and Keith can only hold on. His hands are fisted in Lance’s jacket and he is drowning because now that he knows how Lance’s lips feel on his he can never go back. Now that he feels Lance’s fingers in his hair, on his cheeks, those hands under his shirt desperate and warm and pulling him closer, he can never survive. His heart is already breaking because he let himself fall for Lance. All those years of trying to shove his feelings down, all those years of watching him chase after Allura and finally have her, all those years of trying and he hadn’t known until now that he was already in love with Lance.
Keith is so broken and all he can do is cling to the man in front of him. He buries his face in Lance’s neck and feels his body sink to the ground. Lance never lets him go, he just sinks to the ground with him, “You idiot. God Keith, you stupid stupid idiot. I’m not going anywhere.”
Keith doesn’t even have it in him to try and push Lance away anymore. He just holds tighter, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
Keith doesn’t know how long they sit in the mud with the rain still pouring down, but he feels movement and Lance is lifting him up from under his arms. “Come on. It’s cold out here and we need to get you warm.”
Keith is too tired to resist. He just lets Lance get him into the truck with the heater on high and drive. They’re back at Lance’s place and Lance is pushing Keith into the bathroom. He closes the lid on the toilet and makes Keith sit down. He turns on the shower to get the water hot and heads out. A few minutes later he comes back with a towel and some clothes. He gives Keith a small kiss on his forehead, “take a shower and we’ll talk after.”
When Keith comes out, Lance is waiting, he’s freshly showered as well and leads Keith to his bed where he bundles him up in warm blankets and pulls him against his chest. He cards long fingers through Keith’s hair and Keith can feel the tension slowly leaving his shoulders.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Keith is standing next to Shiro as his best man. He watches as his brother marries the man he loves and Keith can’t help but smile at the joy the two of them are radiating. It’s taken him a long time to come to terms with some of the things that have happened to him, but he’s thankful every day that Lance never gave up on him. The two of them spent many nights talking about how Lance knew it was okay to move on after losing Allura. Keith had days where he doubted his decision to give Lance his heart, but he knows deep down that decision was never his. When he looks into the crowd where Lance is sitting he knows he’ll find the person that completes every part of him. He sees the man that compliments him, the other half of his heart, or if you believe in that sort of thing, his soulmate.
Keith may not know when, but when he hears the justice of the peace tell Shiro and Curtis ‘You may now kiss your husband’, Keith knows one day that’s going to be him and Lance.