Chapter Text
1. The Joker burns down your house because he wants you to stay at the penthouse all the time.
“Baby, did you do this?!” you ask since he’s the prime suspect in your books.
“Nope,” the short answer doesn’t give him extra points.
“Are you sure???”
“Innocent until proven guilty, Doll.”
2. J tells you he hates you all the time.
“What did I do?!” you pout, upset.
“Nothing, I just hate you.”
You frown and he kisses you, irritated:
“Tough it out, Princess! Life is cruel.”
3. He tolerates your cat.
The fluffy thing can’t stand him. The feeling is mutual.
Every time kitty sees J, she hisses.
“Likewise!” he growls. But at night she cuddles by his side, purring and he purrs too. It’s a contest and J wins on a regular basis. He’s so proud of himself.
4. He indirectly compliments you when you are insecure.
“My thighs are as big as tree trunks!” you complain, analyzing yourself the mirror.
“Who gave you that idea? Did somebody say something to you?” your boyfriend gets pissed, thinking he’s gonna kill the asshole that insulted his Queen.
“No…Yuck, all the cellulite,” you pinch your skin, horrified.
“Where?”
“Can’t you see?”
“Who the hell cares, woman?! You look fine. Stop your drama, I’m not in the mood!”
“I’m so fat!” you sigh, ignoring him.
“Yes, you are FAT: Fiesty, Annoying and Terrible!”
You finally smile and The Joker sniffles, not wanting to admit he loves it when he’s the source of your happiness.
5. He lets you mess up his perfectly styled hair, aware it calms you down when you’re stressed out. Usually, J is the main source of that stress so…his way of making it up to you.
6. He engages in foreplay (which he normally never has patience for) knowing how much you enjoy it.
7. The Joker likes to expose himself to you as often as possible.
Takes his clothes off really fast, waiting for you to pass by when you walk in the backyard. Opens the glass sliding door too, just in case.
“Oh my God!” J hears you squeal.
“That’s right, Pumpkin, feast your eyes!” he nonchalantly stretches, flexing his muscles in the process.
“Oh my God!” another enthusiastic squeal. He arrogantly smirks, pleased with his achievement.
8. J rubs your feet when they hurt after wearing high heels all day.
9. He blows up the new house you bought since there’s no way he wants you to stay away from the penthouse.
“Baby, did you do this?!” you have to inquire again, frustrated.
“Nope.”
“Are you 100% sure?!”
“Innocent until proven guilty, Princess.”
10. The Joker can’t sleep without you, that’s why you always have to get back by nightfall. If you don’t, the next day is his turn to keep you up all night… with sex. Gotta pay for those dark circles under his eyes.
11. When you’re sick, he kidnaps the best doctors and brings them over to make sure you’re not dying or something.
12. He makes your favorite tea, even if he thinks it’s too much work to boil the water.
13. He actually takes into consideration what you like in bed and doesn’t give up until you scream his name like crazy.
14. J turns one of the smaller bedrooms at the penthouse into your own ”girl room.”
Anything you might need is always there: tampons, make-up, perfume, favorite chocolate, body lotions, bubble bath, shower gels, pink champagne, condoms (although unused, but he thinks they look cool).
15. The Joker cancels meetings when you send him naughty pics.
“Daddy, are you gonna make it home in time or should I start without you?”
16. He pulls you in his lap when you pass by and just stares in your eyes without saying a word.
“Umm, you don’t like my outfit?” you try to guess, nervous.
No answer.
You become more anxious.
“You should have told me, I’ll go change.”
J keeps on staring.
“OK, I’ll be back shortly.”
You try to get up and he stops you.
“You’re pretty,” he sighs, softly kissing your lips.
17. He counts the freckles on your shoulders when you sleep, hoping you’ll get more because he finds them cute.
18. Your boyfriend lets you give him hickeys. It’s implied you’ll pay for it later but he likes it when you go crazy on him.
19. The Joker floods the apartment you purchased yesterday.
Apparently, you won’t be able to live anywhere else but the penthouse.
“Baby, did you do this?!”
“Nope.”
“Are you lying to me?!”
“Innocent until proven guilty, Pumpkin.”
20. When you take naps, he kisses the tip of your nose and watches you smile in your sleep. He finds it adorable.
21. J makes sure you can’t walk straight for 2 or 3 days if you tease him while he has important business to attend to. But he also makes sure you get to relax with him in the Jacuzzi.
22. He buys you a new cat after yours dies.
J hates cats but you like them so…perfect present.
The new kitty adores The King of Gotham, always purrs in his lap. At night, he purrs when you caress his hair and the cat purrs because J pets it. It’s puurrrfect.
23. He texts you love poems (thanks to Google, appreciated nevertheless)
“Roses are red
Foxes are clever
I like your butt
Let me touch it forever.”
24. The Joker reads to you when you have bad cramps, aware that’s the only way you will dose off.
His favorite is “Database Issues in Geographic Information Systems”. Boring as hell, puts you out in less than 5 minutes, this way J doesn’t have to deal with your crankiness. Affection Joker style, but it still counts.
25. He doesn’t kill you when you tell him you’re pregnant
He’s not big on kids, not thrilled when hearing the news.
“Did you get pregnant on purpose, Princess?!” J interrogates.
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?!” your short reply makes him doubt.
“Innocent until proven guilty, baby.”