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It’s not like Lea expected everything to go back to normal now that the old gang was back together again. “Normal” had been a passing fantasy ever since his heart was rent from his body. The most “normal” thing about the past few years was training to wield a key-sword with Kairi in a timeless forest.
He didn’t expect everyone to fall into a routine like they’d been doing it their whole lives. That would be ridiculous. But he at least expected… happiness, boundless joy at being together again, at being given this second chance at the life they’d earned.
Not the cold fury in Roxas’ eyes leveled at Lea and Isa as they sat on the hill outside Sunset Terrace. Lea turned to meet Roxas’ gaze. Hot rage sparked between them, just like when they clashed in the basement of a false mansion. Tension lingered between them, Roxas’ eyes alight with a fury Axel knew well.
Roxas pivoted on his heel, turning back down the hill. A bitter memory flashed in front of Lea’s eyes, of Roxas shadowed by the harsh lights of The World That Never Was, walking into certain death while Axel pleaded for him to come back.
Lea put a hand on Isa’s shoulder, already hopping to his feet. “Hey, I’ll be right back.”
Isa’s only reply was a wordless hum, staring into the far distance as he licked sea-salt from his lips. Lea jogged after Roxas, ice cream in hand. He met Roxas on the path below, Isa disappearing over the crest of the hill. Roxas stood his ground, hands balled into white-knuckled fists as he refused to meet Lea’s eyes.
“Roxas,” Lea called out, one hand reached out for the other’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
Roxas whirled on him, batting Lea’s hand away, eyes still burning. “You’re hanging out with him?”
Lea started, hand hovering awkwardly between them. “Uh, yeah? He’s my—”
“After everything he did?”
Lea bristled defensively. “We all fucked up back then. If we start going down that road then we’ll have a lot of scales to balance. I was just as bad.”
The look in Roxas’ eyes told him he agreed. “Not to me. Not to Xion.”
Suddenly it burst into Lea’s mind with perfect clarity, all the scathing words Saïx hurled at Xion, how he used Axel’s closest friends, and drove them out of his life and into Sora’s heart. The memory still stings, Saïx’s betrayal a heavy burden on the brand new, burgeoning heart inside Axel’s chest. It almost hurts worse now; Lea’s emotions burned with the fire of a thousand suns in the way Axel’s never could.
Lea was so ready to forgive and forget, now that the Isa from his childhood was back in his arms. He forgot that all of Saïx’s sins weren’t his to forgive.
Lea refused to meet Roxas’ eyes and their unrelenting fire. “He wasn’t himself.”
“So?” It made sense that Roxas, who had never known Isa, only Saïx, wouldn’t be so easy to forgive. “I’m just supposed to pretend everything’s fine and he didn’t try to kill Xion because you like him?”
Lea stayed silent, staring at the ground, face hot with shame. “I’m just… happy to have all of you back.”
Roxas scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Then be happy.” He turned his back dismissively. “But as long as you’re with him you can count me out.”
His retreating footsteps echoed in the stairwell. “Wait!” Lea called, just before Roxas rounded the corner.
Roxas paused, glancing over his shoulder. Lea pitifully held out his hand. “We got you ice cream.”
Roxas rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the smile pulling at the corner of his mouth as he took the ice cream.
Lea coughed awkwardly. “I’ll meet up with you later, okay?” Roxas raised an eyebrow. “...Without Isa.”
Roxas nodded, before continuing towards the terrace with a wave over his shoulder.
Roxas’ words haunted Lea. Every time he was at Isa’s side, they hung over him, reminding him that the perfect life Lea wanted couldn’t be. Lea wanted so badly to merge these two halves of his life, the one he’d had as a child, and the one Axel had formed from the ashes. He wanted Roxas, Xion, and Isa, together.
Because what could possibly be more joyous than being with all the people he loved?
But he couldn’t have that, not when Isa gave Roxas and Xion a wide berth. He only visited their tiny Twilight Town apartment when Lea assured him Roxas and Xion were gone. And whenever Roxas came back a little too early and caught them pressed against each other on the couch, he turned and walked back out the door.
Isa always made a quick exit after that.
Isa would never say it aloud, but Lea could see apprehension in the lines on Isa’s forehead and anxiety in the set of his shoulders. Ever since waking up in Radiant Garden, Isa struggled to reacquaint himself with the humanity he’d thought lost forever. He wore his guilt like a second skin, and hid himself in the basement of the old mansion whenever he wasn’t at Lea’s side.
Lea suspected the only reason he was still around was because his disappearance would only cause Lea more pain. So Isa remained in Twilight Town, alone save for the few minutes Lea managed to spare for him; he hid away, scared or unwilling to try and reach out again.
With Isa pressed against his side on that lonely hill, the moon shining overhead, the levy finally broke.
Lea tightened his hold on Isa’s hand, fingernails scratching against the dirt. “Isa.”
Isa pulled away, turning to meet Lea’s gaze, the moon reflected in clear green eyes.
Lea gritted his teeth, steeling himself. “You… need to apologize to Xion.”
Isa’s whole demeanor shifted, a pallid mask falling over his features, eyes clouding over as he pulled his hand from Lea’s grasp. Lea was loathe to let him go, just as he was every night Isa had to leave, afraid this would be the time he didn’t come back. Isa turned away, face downcast shoulders hunched as he curled in on himself.
“And what brought this on?” Isa asked, voice schooled into the measured emotionlessness that Lea hated.
“Don’t you think she deserves one? After all the shit you put her through?”
Isa curled in on himself further.
Lea sighed. That wasn’t the whole truth. He was so used to lying, playing his cards close to his chest, and keeping his motivations hidden, sometimes he forgot it wasn’t like that anymore. He was trying to be better at this whole “truth” thing. “Roxas yelled at me the other day. He’s pretty angry with you.”
“And you think an apology is going to change his mind?” Isa snapped, voice laced with acid.
“Of course not.” Lea leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “But it’s a start.”
“A start,” Isa mimicked, voice dripping with bitterness.
Isa so quickly closed himself off, building up all those old walls that had come between him and Lea before. Lea could almost feel him slipping away, like water flowing between his fingers. He couldn’t bear to lose Isa again; something needed to change.
“I hate this. I don’t want it to be like this forever. I just want to be with the people I care about, all of you.” Lea’s face burned despite the cool evening. “Don’t make me choose between you and my friends.”
“Right.” Isa scoffed, arms folded tightly across his chest. “Because we both know what you’d choose in that case.”
The words stung on Isa’s tongue as he spit them out. He regretted them as soon as they left his lips, his own emotions betraying the new life he was trying to lead. He’d hoped that some of his jealousy would disappear with Xehanort’s demise. But it wasn’t that simple. Removed from Xehanort’s darkness, and the deceitful whispers in his ear, it seemed that Saïx’s jealousy was still his to own. That jealousy lingered, festering like poison in Isa’s brand new heart.
Isa so desperately wanted to wipe the slate clean, to start over with this new life, even if he didn’t deserve it. But his own heart betrayed him, full to the brim with jealousy and resentment and guilt. A human now, no longer a Nobody that could push down those fleeting echoes of remembered emotions, he was a slave to its whims. His jealousy still burned, just as hot as the days he’d watched Axel walk away. So new to feeling again, sometimes that jealousy burst forth from his lips in words he’d meant to keep to himself.
Isa clutched at his chest, at his damned, deceitful heart.
Isa’s words speared Lea’s heart. Lea steeled himself, a long breath exhaled through his nose. They hurt, but Lea knew as well as anyone that the whims of a newborn heart were hard to ignore.
Gently, he placed a hand on Isa’s back. A wordless gesture of understanding, of forgiveness. Isa stiffened, then, like waves breaking over the shore, leaned into Lea’s touch.
“I don’t want to choose between you. I want us all to be together. I want to choose all of you,” Lea said.
Isa was silent for a long moment, hand still fisted in his jacket. Finally he scoffed. “What a ridiculous dream.”
Isa couldn’t see the corner of Lea’s mouth twitch into a smile. “Hey, shoot for the moon, am I right?”
Isa’s only response was a wordless huff.
Lea’s fingers tangled in Isa’s hair. “As ridiculous as it is, the first step…”
“Is an apology.”
Lea nodded, as Isa’s hand fell from his hearts, knees curling up to his chest. Isa looked impossibly small somehow, bathed in the pale moonlight in a town he had yet to call his own.
“If I start trying to atone for all the wrongs I’ve done…” Isa’s heart ached at the thought of the impossible task ahead, the long and fettered road to redemption. “I never will.”
“Hah, that goes for the both of us.” Lea didn’t comment on the crackle of tears in Isa’s voice. He leaned in, resting his cheek on Isa’s shoulder. “I’ll be right there beside you.”
Isa sat hunched at one of the tables outside the bistro, ice cream hanging low between his knees and a puddle of sea salt forming at his feet. Across from his sat Xion, quiet, her own ice cream similarly dripping onto the ground. Pleasant chatter swirled around them in the wake of the lunch rush at the restaurant, the grind of the tram car as it passed by them every minute like clockwork. But heavy, impenetrable silence hung between them, a pane of glass that wouldn’t so easily be shattered.
“Thank you for meeting me here,” Isa finally spoke.
Xion jumped in her seat, as if she’d forgotten he was there. She quickly shook herself to attention. “It’s fine.” She stared down at her hands, clasped around the ice cream stick like it was her keyblade.
Isa shook his head. “But you’re under no obligation to hear what I have to say.” Isa’s gaze lingered on Xion before quickly darting away. “I’m thankful that you’d listen.”
Xion didn’t know how to respond to that. “Um…”
She glanced over her shoulder to where Lea and Roxas hovered at a nearby table. Lea at least was trying to pretend he wasn’t watching with eagle eyes. Roxas however had no such reservations, and at Xion’s brief glance looked ready to bolt over and punch Isa in the gut.
Xion quickly glanced back. “It’s…” Her gaze landed on Isa, and she was suddenly struck by how small he seemed, even as he towered over her. “You’re welcome?”
Isa nodded, as if given permission to speak. “I wanted to apologize; for all the wrongs I did you, the hurt I caused you and your friends.” Isa’s own eyes, a striking green, glanced toward Lea and Roxas, then darted away, as if that glance was something he had yet to earn. “I am… truly sorry.”
Xion had expected as much, when Lea passed on Isa’s message, that he wanted to talk with her. She’d tried to prepare herself, as they agreed to meet at the bistro, as Roxas told her for the hundredth time that she just had to give the signal and he’d beat the shit out of Isa a third time. But she couldn’t have possibly prepared to hear the same voice that had once scorned her very existence, spoken hateful words that had speared her newborn heart, weave an apology before her eyes.
“If you never want to see me again, that’s your right, and I understand.” Isa steeled himself, as if preparing for a fatal blow.
Xion’s head swam, still trying to connect the two halves of this person that couldn’t possibly fit together. “I don’t want that. If you left it would make Axel sad.”
“We could keep things the way they’ve been.”
Xion shook her head. “Axel doesn’t like that either.” She thought of the longing in Lea’s eyes as Isa hurried out the door as soon as she made her presence known, the sad smiles as Lea received a text from Isa on the other side of town, the way Lea still didn’t seem completely whole.
“This isn’t about him. You shouldn’t be forced to endure someone you hate for the sake of a friend, no matter how dear.”
Xion’s words left her lips unbidden. “Did you hate me?”
Isa fell silent. He stared ahead, into the far distance as his eyes hazed over. “I… don’t know if I was capable of feeling hate then.” A hand clutched at his chest.
Xion tried to remember, when she was newly born, and the other Organization members spoke the names of emotions she couldn’t remember feeling and she tried to grasp them in her hands. But that wasn’t the same as what Isa and Lea had gone through, remembering how it felt to have emotions that would never return. What was worse, she wondered? Never knowing what it meant to feel? Or knowing and being unable to reclaim it?
But they had reclaimed it. They were both here, under the full light of the sun, alive.
She felt Isa’s eyes on her, when she looked up she met his gaze for a moment, before he looked away. “Before…” he began. “When I looked at your face I saw a p—the replica. I didn’t understand what Axel saw in you. Why he would choose you over…” Even now, jealous fire burned in his heart, the animal instinct to burn every bridge he’d ever made, scorch the earth with fire and iron.
Isa closed his eyes, and let out a slow breath.
“I think it was because I didn’t want to see your face. It was… easier to think Axel was wrong, that I could pull him back. I didn’t see you as you were, and for that, I’m sorry.”
Xion’s vision blurred.
“It’s alright if you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.” Xion’s voice was resolute, even through her tears.
There was so much joy in her heart at the second chance she’d been given, at the new life she got to lead. There was no room in her heart for hate.
Isa stared at her, as if for the first time, eyes wide, unable to hide his surprise. He schooled himself, his expression going blank as he forced himself to look away. “You should.”
It struck a chord in her heart, to hear Saïx (or at least his voice) once again telling her how to feel. “Well, it’s not up to you,” she snapped with surprising vitriol.
She expected Isa to get angry, to snap back at her. But instead the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile, an expression completely foreign to Xion. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
It was the third apology in as many minutes. Xion would never get used to it, it seemed. “We all did bad things in the Organization, we all hurt the people we care about.” She remembered fading away in Roxas’ arms, trying desperately to keep a brave face but wanting more than anything in the world to spend one more day with the people she loved. “I just… want to start over.”
“That’s… certainly more than I deserve.” Isa hung his head.
“Hm, I don’t think you get to decide that either.”
Isa huffed, and it almost sounded like a laugh.
Xion turned her ice cream over in her hands. “Can you just promise me one thing?” Isa hummed to show he was listening. “Promise you won’t hurt Axel again?”
Isa glanced to Lea, where he and Roxas were building toothpick houses. Isa couldn’t help but smile.”I… I don’t know if that’s a promise I can make.” Isa thought to jealousy that had lashed out at Lea only the night before, the bitterness that still burned inside him. How long before he inevitably hurt the ones he loved, how long before he drove them away? “But I promise I’ll try. And when I make a mistake I’ll fix it as best I can.” Isa turned back to Xion. “That’s… that’s the best I can do.
Xion watched Lea and Roxas, as Lea’s toothpick tower crumbled into dust. “That sounds perfect.”
When she glanced back, Isa was staring at her with familiar piercing eyes, though green instead of gold, expression carefully blank to hide his thoughts. It was unnerving, and part of her still expected him to call her a puppet, and object, less than even a Nobody. But suddenly his face softened, lips curling into an unfamiliar smile.
“I think I see what Axel saw in you, now,” Isa murmured. “You’re far too good for either of us.”
Xion couldn’t help but laugh. Just a table away, Roxas and Lea heard familiar laughter. When they looked over, they saw two people smiling like old friends. Hearts filling with light, they hoped for better days ahead.