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‘I should just do it’, James thinks. ‘Why don’t I just do it?’
They are walking through the woods. Away from the crime scene, back to the car. It’s beautiful out here. Everything’s lush and green and glittering in the morning sun.
‘Coward. Just do it.’
James appreciates that they’re taking the long way round. He would have suggested it; the words had already been in his mouth, but Lewis had beaten him to it. No, not Lewis. Robbie. As of last night, it’s Robbie.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Robbie’s voice, gruff yet happy. Robbie’s hand, motioning up and ahead, as if to encompass everything. Robbie’s arm, accidentally brushing against James’.
Robbie.
“Look, there! A squirrel.”
James hums, not looking. Busy battling with his courage. ‘Just do it! Oh, for the love of… what’s the worst that can happen?’
Instantly James thinks of Laura and Innocent whispering behind his back. No, worse, Laura and Robbie whispering. Looking at him disapprovingly. With pity. Shaking their heads. You need a partner.
‘Stop it, that won’t happen.’ James sighs. Shakes his head. Tries to shake his glum thoughts, too.
“Ah, there it goes. Did you see it?”
See what? James doesn’t know. Doesn’t see. He didn’t see it last night, either. Not until Robbie spelled it out for him. Not with words though. He showed him. With a touch, a kiss, a warm embrace. A softly sighed ‘Ah, lad. Finally.’
James agreed. He melted, burnt by the touch, the kiss, the warm embrace. He lost himself in it, in bliss and ‘Yes’ and ‘Finally’.
But what does it mean? James is still lost.
What does it mean? Where do they stand? What are they doing?
“Doing?” Robbie’s voice breaks through. James must have spoken aloud. He hasn’t noticed.
“You mean here?” Robbie stops walking. Looks at James, eyes not unkind. Not kind either. Slightly irritated. Curious. But not unkind. “Well, I know what I’m doing, lad. I’m going on a romantic walk here. Probably with myself. Because you? Not really here, are you?”
James feels his brow furrow. Is he frowning? He must be. He’s confused. Waits for Robbie to clear things up. Needs him to. Preferably with words, this time.
“Look, James.” Robbie doesn’t disappoint. “I know we didn’t really talk last night. About… you know. That. But I want to. I want… that. With you.”
He lets out a sigh. Waits for James to say something. But James needs a moment. His face is slack, his brain is working overdrive.
‘Is this happening?’
He feels himself come to his senses. Feels the fog lift. The sun breaks through. ‘Is this really happening? This is really happening!’
James opens his mouth. To confirm, to say yes, to shout out his joy.
‘Do it! Say something. Stop being a coward!’
But he takes too long. Robbie’s eyes dart away. To the ground. His shoulders sag. He nods to himself as if to say ‘Oh, what did you expect? As if the lad could ever…’
“I get it. It’s alright, lad.” He looks back up, squarely into James’ face. “We’re clearly not on the same page here, eh?” No avoidance. No cowardice. Just plain honesty.
‘Oh, to have such courage.’ James envies him. Admires him. Loves him. He wants to say so, he wants to… he wants.
But how? He is afraid to want. Afraid to show himself. Afraid to lower the mask he’s always wearing. Hiding behind.
Robbie begins to walk again.
“No!” James closes his eyes. “Do not pass me by.”
“What’s that?” Robbie has turned again. James swallows and takes a step towards him.
“You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by."
James comes to a halt right in front of Robbie. His face gives nothing away, or so anyone would think that didn’t know him very well.
But Robbie knows him. He sees him. “Are you sure about this, lad? Cause, well… seemed earlier as if you’re not… as if you were miles away.”
“I’m not.” James shakes his head. Bites his lip, inhales sharply. Makes up his mind. Finds his courage. Finds it in Robbie’s kind eyes.
“I’m right here.” He takes Robbie’s hand in his. Squeezes. Feels the warmth. “Right where I belong.”
Robbie smiles and squeezes back. “That’s good to know, luv.”
Quote from “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying” by Charles C. Finn