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I know what you're asking yourself, why the fuck is there a hot japanese guy doing stand-up comedy ? First I do what I want and Second thank you I think I'm hot too.
I heard a cliché that stand-up comedians are gay. Which I guess is not so wrong considering that I'm here.
I used to think like that for a while. That when someone does a specific thing they're gay. I was young and fucking stupid ok don't come stab me in my sleep with a rainbow knife please.
"Oh lord of the gays, I offer you this young dumbass as sacrifice."
Though god would probably go :
- "I don't want this bitch go stab a cow it's way better"
And I wouldn't be offended.
I got into a lot of shenanigans with my friends, we're like the LGBT squad.
Half of us are bi, there is a pan, I'm the walking closet, my bro doesn't get the concept... Yes I had to do The Talk.
- "Yosuke how do people make babies ?
- Well when people love each other a lot they... Do things. In the dark.
- Like what ?
- (ah shit) they get on the bed and
- and ?
- They rub of each other
- like how
- a lot
- how a lot
- THEY FUCK ALRIGHT STOP ASKING QUESTIONS
- what's "fuck"
- go on pornhub we'll talk about this later"
And we never talked about it again. His innocence went out quietly like my shame.
Anyway, the pan guy in the group, I often teased him for liking guys- don't stab me I see you young lesbian about to shoot me. Violence isn't the answer. Especially guns that shit hurt. Anyway one time a guy in our group did a makeover, and I said to him :
"Hey what do you think ?
- Why me ?
- I was just wondering if he was your type.
- OH So what you're really asking is "Can you PLEASE beat the shit out of me ?" "
I still wonder how I survived.
One time me, him and my bestie were stuck in the same tent for a camping trip. And I can't even joke about it because it gives me PTSD to this day.
All you need to know is that I'm a dumbass you can't keep his mouth shut to hide from a murderous teacher.
Another thing that gave me trouble, when I was dumb, I was convinced that I was straight.
Considering that I'm here you know how that turned out but I couldn't get a girl FOR SHIT.
"WOOHOO LET'S HIT ON GIRLS WITH MOTORCYCLES"
I didn't have a motorcycle anymore at the end of the day.
Maybe I couldn't get a girl for shit, but I swear I dunno how I do this but I turn people gay. I swear I don't know how I just do.
After "Tina The Turner" here is "The Yosuke Spin : Electric Bangayloo"
One time me and Bestie -I swear I'll get to him later- had gone to a gay bar. And I've never had so much people asking me to pay for my shit in my life. I'm the one who pays for stuff ! My wallet never excels 10 grams ! When it's FULL.
Before coming to this place I didn't know wearing tight jeans could make you feel exposed. No women has ever complimented me on my eyes or smile or anything. But damn if you need an ego boost just go to a gay bar and all of a sudden you feel the most attractive dude of the planet. Then you ask the girl you like out, you get slapped in the face and you wish you never existed.
Another reason why I think that I'm Yospinner is that remember Bestie ? Not like I mentonned him every five seconds anyway, that guy is like, loved by every single person I've ever known. This dude could come up to you and ask "wanna sleep with me" and you'll be naked and all over him before you knew it.
This guy is fucking perfect, he cooks, he cleans, he has awesome grades, you need to be fucking dumbass for not wanting him.
Like me.
So no need to tell you that I was kinda shocked to look under his futon to discover his dirty stash were made of pictures of me.
The exchange we had afterwards could make you believe I just discovered a dead body.
One time someone asked me "when was the moment you realized you liked dudes" and let me tell you that it is pretty unusual.
So one day Bestie and me were eating in a friendly maner in my friendly apartment as friends and he said :
"Wanna play gay chicken ?
- the fuck is that
- you lean towards a friend like you're about to kiss and the first one who backs off is gay."
Obviously my 100% hetero mind responded
- "Let's do it." With the confidence of a dude that slept with every female he ever knew.
I'M GOING TO PROVE TO YOU I'M SO STRAIGHT I CAN'T TURN WHEN I WALK TO GET DAT PUSSY
And then we were making out for 2 hours.
He was the one who put tongue in it first so it's not my fault.