Chapter Text
Crowley remembers before. His memory is incomplete but he does remember. Usually he is capable of recalling pretty much anything up to perfection if he tries - but not before. Maybe the memory trick is something he only picked up as a demon but he doubts it. Angels are all about perfection after all.
He remembers his name although he really doesn’t care.
And he still remembers an astonishing amount of detail, from the way Michael’s right wing had that slight crook to it, not exactly in form but in the way the feathers seemed to always grow in a whorl, to the little cringe Uriel always gave when Sandolphon hit that one note in that one particular hymn just a tiny fraction of a moment too early. Those little imperfections, so few and far between, that for some reason he cherished when most everyone else tried to get rid of them.
There’s one thing he can’t recall though no matter how hard he tries: the absolute certainty of feeling God’s love for him through every fibre of his being.
He remembers his own love and devotion.
He remembers that he knew that that love was reciprocated.
But he simply can’t recall that feeling.
He guess it’s part of the Fall. Part of the punishment.
Or maybe - he thinks sometimes - it was never real. Maybe he just lied to himself back then and hasn’t grown up enough to admit it. Maybe he just is so weak that he still needs the comforting lie.
Right after the Fall, the beginning of his new existence, he’d felt so hollow. He spent an immeasurable amount of time or two curled in on himself, learning to just function with that feeling of loss.
In Heaven they might have helped each other through the pain.
In Hell everyone dealt with it on their own terms and lashed out at anyone who tried to interfere or even take an interest.
Crowley is pretty sure that the rest of the Fallen just burned all the memories from their minds. They only kept the vague feeling of resentment and hate to keep them going and were done with it.
Crowley can’t do it.
He needs a reason for his anger.
And Crowley IS angry.
Maybe if he repented and went crawling through the mud to apologize, maybe if he went all ‘mea maxima culpa’ then maybe, maybe he could go back.
But he won’t.
He shouldn’t have to.
All he did was asking questions. He relished in differences and was curious.
His biggest sin (back then) was being too naive to be frightened.
The Fall has taught him differently.
But he refuses to be broken. He refuses to give up even the tiniest bit of himself although it would make his existence easier. The other demons have adjusted to their new reality. They don’t suffer because they can’t remember, can’t imagine anything else.
Crowley can.
Which is why he suffers in Hell. Which is why he can be easily frightened (for a demon). Which is why he is as much of an outcast in Hell as he was in Heaven if not more.
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