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Ava almost jumped when she heard the door open, even though she logically knew that it was just Sara.
It was jarring for Ava to feel this insecure and unsure about herself. She was so used to being self confident, she never used to secret guess herself. She was always self assured and she always knew what she was doing and why she was doing it. Now, she had no clue about any of that.
Ava looked up from her place sitting on Sara's bed and smiled at the captain. "Hey." She whispered.
"Hey." Sara repeated with a smile and went over, sitting down next to Ava. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" She added softly, looking at Ava with so much love in her eyes that the director almost got emotional.
"I know, love. It's just... hard for me to talk about it because I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling," Ava admitted, "I've never felt like this before. I can barely put words to it."
Sara nodded, "I get that. You can just explain it as best as you can, don't worry about if I fully get it or not."
Ava frowned, confused. "What's the point of telling you if you don't understand what I'm saying?"
"For you to get it off your chest. You need to talk about it, I don't necessarily have to be following along for you to tell me. I can just stay quiet and let you ramble if you want me to."
Ava pondered that for a moment before blushing shyly and asking, "can we cuddle first?"
Sara's eyes softened and she beamed at Ava. "Of course. Come here." She repositioned herself on the bed so she was leaning against the backboard, making enough room so Ava could cuddle against her, her arm around her and her head on her shoulder.
It took a moment for them to adjust, their height difference made it a bit difficult for Ava to be the one being held and not the one holding Sara, but they made it work.
Ava let out a long breath and just stayed silent for awhile. She listened to Sara's steady breathing and let herself focus on the shorter blonde's fingers running through her hair, smoothing out the tangles. Ava closed her eyes and got impossibly closer to Sara and sighed.
"I want to know more about 2213 and the cloning. I want to know more about me... and about why Rip chose me. But, I'm scared of what I'll find. I want to get closer to the Legends but I'm scared they won't like me or that I'll ruin everything. That in itself is unsettling to me because I'm never this unsure. I always know what I'm doing, I always know exactly what I think about something or what to do next. And... now I'm completely lost."
Ava felt a bit of the heaviness in her chest dissipate at telling Sara these things.
"I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what to do next. That's scary."
Sara nodded, kissing Ava's head as she listened to the blonde talk. She stayed quiet, sensing that Ava didn't want feedback at the moment, she just wanted to be heard.
"And I'm scared how the Legends will react when we tell them about what I am. I'm scared that I'm not fit to be the director. I'm scared that every aspect of my personality is fabricated. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know when my fake memories stop and when my real ones start, I don't know anything anymore."
Ava didn't realize she was crying until she felt that Sara's shirt was damp underneath her cheek. She sniffed and tightened her arm around Sara, feeling the shorter blonde just hold her closer and continue to play with her hair.
She didn't know how Sara always knew how to comfort her, she really didn't.
When Sara stayed quiet, Ava bit her lip and said, "you can tell me what you think if you want. You don't have to stay quiet."
Sara looked down at her and said, "I'm not even going to try to pretend that I know what you're going through, because I don't. But, everything you're feeling is perfectly valid. You're allowed to feel insecure, and unsure, and confused. And even lost."
Ava opened her mouth to interject so Sara quickly continued, "there's nothing wrong with feeling, Aves. In fact, I'm sure that, among many other things, is what separates you from the other clones. How you can feel, you feel so deeply, baby. That's uniquely yours and I bet that no other clone can feel like you can."
Ava frowned and stayed quiet, taking all of that in. Maybe Sara was right, maybe her emotions were one of the things that separated her from the other clones.
"If you want to learn more, that's great. We could have Gideon help us hack into the database in 2213 to find out more information about the cloning. If not, that's great too. It's your choice, and I'll support you with whatever you decide." Sara said, watching Ava's tears only start to fall more rapidly.
She knew that it was a mix of tears of anguish and relief, relief that Sara was still there with her through this, and that she wasn't going anywhere.
Sara felt her heart aching for Ava, she just wanted to do whatever she could to help her get through this. She just wanted to see Ava smile a genuine smile again.
She kissed Ava's head again and felt the director relax against her. She loved Ava so much, she wasn't even sure it was possible to love someone this much. That word scared her, of course it did. The only other person she'd loved like this was Nyssa, and that didn't work out.
So, she was scared that once she used that word with Ava, it would doom everything and end up ruining it. But, she wanted to say it so badly. It felt like it was trying to claw its way out of her throat, and the intensity of it almost made Sara cry herself.
Ava noticed that Sara wasn't saying anything else so she pulled away slightly to look at her, frowning when she saw that Sara's eyes were glossy and wet.
"What's wrong?" Ava asked worriedly.
A million thoughts rushed through Ava's mind in a second but the main ones were, Did I say something wrong? Does the clone thing make her as uncomfortable as I thought it would?
Sara shook her head and cupped Ava cheek, looking into those grayish blue eyes she loved so much. "Nothing's. It's just..." she looked away. She was scared to say it.
"Sara?" Ava frowned and sat up more, causing Sara's hand to fall from her face and onto her own lap.
"I just... I really love you."
Ava froze when Sara said it, the word she'd been feeling herself for so long. "You..."
"Yeah. I do." Sara chuckled a bit nervously. "I know I probably shouldn't have blurted it out now. You're going through a lot of shit so I get it if you can't say it back. I've just... been feeling this way for awhile now. And it was getting harder to keep to myself."
Ava was speechless. She watched Sara reach up and felt her tears be wiped away by soft fingers and she couldn't help but lean into Sara's touch.
I love you too.
"I... I..." Ava frowned when she couldn't say it. It was the three words she'd been wanting to say for weeks now, and was actually quite frustrated with herself that she couldn't say it.
"I want to say it back, but I can't yet." Ava had to look away when she said this, nervous that Sara would be upset by this.
Sara understood, she wasn't upset. Maybe a little discouraged, but not upset.
"That's okay, baby." Sara softly said. "I get it. There's no rush."
Ava swallowed back a sob that was threatening to overtake her. "I-I'm sorry." She choked out, bringing her hands up to cover her face. "I want to say it back so badly. I've wanted to for so long. But, I can't."
She felt two strong, yet gentle, hands pull her closer and felt herself be once again in Sara's arms.
"Please don't apologize. You did nothing wrong." Sara whispered, she could feel Ava's body tense and knew that she was upset with herself for not being able to get the words out.
If Ava were in a more stable state of mind, she'd be able to realize that the reason why she couldn't say the words back was because she was so unsure about herself and wanted to know more about how she exactly developed feelings, and if the other clones were like her in that sense, before she could tell Sara she loved her. She needed to know for certain that her feelings were completely hers, and that none of them were fabricated.
"I didn't?" Ava whispered into her hands, she didn't know how Sara was being so patient and gentle with her.
"No, baby. You don't have to explain yourself, you say it back when you're ready. I just wanted you to know how I feel to know that even though I know who your past, my feelings haven't changed. I loved you before I found out you are a clone, and I love you now that I know. That hasn't changed and it won't."
Ava nodded. "Thank you. I don't deserve you." Insecurely, Ava uncovered her face but hid it in Sara's chest.
"You do. You deserve me and much more." Sara whispered, "you deserve the best."
"Well, good thing I already have it then." Ava said with absolute certainty. Her grip on Sara tightened as she allowed herself to be soothed by Sara's heartbeat under her ear, and by the sound of Sara's breathing.
I love you. I love you. I love you.