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The forest was dark, leaves trembling in the cold. Metal was clanging and soldiers were shouting, the air sour with the tangy smell of blood.
There were screams. Men. Women. Children.
And standing over it all, watching, was Uther- no. It wasn't. It was Arthur. Hair silver in the moonlight, jaw strong and proud. Eyes never flinching as he watched his men tear apart homes, families, lives. Not caring about these druids, because why should he? They weren't people to him.
One man ran to Arthur, begged him to stop it. Arthur looked down at the young warlock.
"You're on their side," his voice was stiff. Lifeless.
"I was your friend."
Arthur smiled, twisted and cruel. "And now you’re the enemy."
Merlin cried out as the sword pierced him.
Then he woke up in his bed, sweaty and panting.
The events of the past week had been jarring, for sure, but the dreams just kept getting worse. It was even affecting his duties. He was barely able to look Arthur in the eyes anymore, worried about what he'd see there.
The ordeal with Elyan was a lot, but Merlin had never expected it to turn out... the way it did. Throughout it all he was cursing Uther, hating the man who was long dead for all that he did while alive. And then Arthur had spoken and all that rage and derision... it was turned on him. His friend. Who he thought was his friend.
Merlin remembered watching Arthur kneel there, letting Elyan approach him with his sword. Had this been a few days ago, hell, a few hours ago, Merlin would be immediately jumping in to protect him. He'd have had a spell lined up to stop the spirit from hurting the man he swore he'd protect.
And yet, watching the sword near Arthur, he couldn't move. He could barely get himself to be afraid. All he felt was a hollow anger, a sick desire to see Arthur pay for what he did. It was terrible, he felt guilt over it now, but part of him didn't care. Arthur was the one who should feel guilt, not him.
He had thought Arthur had changed. He had thought that after all these years Arthur could look at those with magic differently, amend for his father's mistakes. But Arthur made those mistakes too. And maybe he regretted the extent, but he didn't care enough to actually make a difference.
Merlin had tried to be casual, bringing the situation up casually, and Arthur had just... rejected it. He didn't even care. It had been a week and Arthur made no changes in how the Druids were treated. He learned nothing from what had happened. And Merlin didn't know how much anger he could force a smile on his face and act like being around Arthur didn't make him sick.
The sun started peeking through the window and Merlin took a few steadying breaths. He needed to face the day. He needed to face Arthur.
***
He was walking down the hallway when a hand grabbed his shirt and pulled him into an alcove. He raised his hands, prepared to cast a spell in defense, but froze when he found himself face to face with Elyan.
“What the hell?”
The knight smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. Just wanted to talk to you privately.”
Merlin nodded and Elyan let him go, taking a step back so he could rub the back of his neck nervously.
“Are you okay? The spirit-”
Elyan shook his head. “No, I’m fine I just… I hurt you. I mean, I know it was the spirit, but I- I knocked you out. And before that, in practice-”
“Elyan,” Merlin cut him off, putting a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I know it wasn’t you. You can’t blame yourself for it. Nobody blames you.”
Elyan didn’t look convinced, but his face softened slightly. “You are okay, though? After everything?”
Merlin laughed. “Please, you did nothing worse than what Arthur’s done.”
Elyan’s expression soured and Merlin’s hand fell in confusion.
“I know it was the spirit. But that anger that boy had… what he saw. It makes you sympathize for them, you know?”
Merlin could feel his heart thudding in his chest. “Careful, Elyan.”
“I know, I know,” he waved a hand. “It’s just; talking to Gwen, she’d sometimes blame Uther for our father’s death, and sometimes magic. It makes one wonder, how two opposing sides could be at fault.”
Merlin didn’t answer, mainly because he didn’t know how. Elyan kept talking, saving him the trouble. Or maybe causing more.
“It just makes me think. Maybe all this; Magic, Druids, Uther. Maybe it’s all more complicated than it’s made out to be.”
“Elyan,” Merlin’s voice was low and controlled. “If anyone heard you…”
“I remember.”
Merlin swallowed. “What?”
“When I was possessed. I remember what happened. I was still myself, just sort of trapped inside. And when I- when the spirit was trying to kill Arthur, the doors burst open. The locked doors.”
Merlin’s vision blackened around the edges and he had to close his eyes to gather his thoughts.
“I saw what happened, Merlin. I know.”
Was he going to die? It felt like it, with how hard his head was pounding and the burning feeling in his stomach. If not from that, the hanging he was sure to get would do the trick. Elyan kept on talking.
“How do you do it?”
Merlin’s eyes shot open to see Elyan staring at him with what could only be wonder.
“Do what?”
“How do remain so loyal to Arthur, after all he’s done to you? To your people? We always knew he didn’t treat you great, but he’s always been a decent man. But you. You’ve seen a whole other side to him. You’ve watched him hurt people just like you and still, you serve him unwaveringly. I just don’t get how.”
Merlin felt his eyes sting, tears leaving burning tracks on his face. He swallowed against the thick lump in his throat, not that it did anything to help.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I really don’t.”
And then he was wrapped up into Elyan’s arms, sobbing as he sank beneath the weight of the world.