Chapter Text
Arthur woke up with a pounding headache, when the sun was already high in the sky. He swore loudly when he realized that he was probably already late for his morning meetings and immediately shouted George’s name.
George, who was now his new official manservant, but who had the order to never wake him up in the morning, since Merlin, despite his recent upgrade to Court Sorcerer of Camelot, refused to let someone else take care of Arthur in the morning. And considering the fact that Merlin already spent all of his nights in Arthur’s bed, it was almost natural for him to be the one to wake the king.
But Merlin had not spent the night in his bed, Arthur thought stroking his face with one hand, which was exactly the problem, and also the reason he woke up late, with a raging hangover, and deeply miserable.
The king slowly rose from the bed trying hard not to think about how much he had drunk the night before, and how much he missed Merlin. Approaching the window, trying not to wince from the bright light of the sunny day, he looked towards the court, hoping to see the familiar silhouette of his best friend, and lover, and Court Sorcerer. He knew though that that was impossible, since Merlin had left a few days before, sent to join the Druids, after a raging fight.
Arthur sighed deeply rubbing a hand on his sleepy face, trying to convince himself that it was the best of things, with the current situation in Camelot, but Merlin had not tried to contact him since he left, and he was missing him terribly, if he had to be honest.
He was the one to order him to go to the Druids, despite Merlin’s protestations and shouts. He had wanted to send Merlin away to keep him safe, and far away from danger, but now he started to irrationally fear that at the Druid camp Merlin might finally realize all the great things that he could achieve with his magic, without stupid prophecies about Once and Futures kings to hold him back.
He also thought of Ruith, the beautiful druid that Merlin had met a few months before, and that seemed a bit too eager to share his knowledge on magic and prophetic dreams with his sorcerers.
Arthur knew that he was being unfair and childish to indulge in those thoughts. Merlin had never really given any reason to doubt his loyalty and his love, but the last months had been so tense for the kingdom, that they rarely had the time to be truly together, and to just enjoy each other’s company without worries or duties to loom over them. And now Arthur couldn’t help the icy fear that, after that awful last fight of theirs, Merlin might truly be done with Camelot and with his king.
Thinking back of all the time they spent together in the first years of their friendship, just hunting, training, camping in the forest, it was almost ridiculous to think that all that carefree time, came to a halt the moment they confessed their feeling for each other, and Arthur publically announced the decision to lift the ban on magic, when the grim reality of war and danger caught up with them.
The king never thought that lifting the ban on magic would have been easy, but he never truly realized how deep were the hatred and the fear toward magic’s user created by Uther’s reign.
Many people welcomed the decision with relief and joy, but those who needed a target for their hatred, started to commit awful crimes toward the magic users that found the courage to reveal their powers. The law might have changed, but it was still unsafe for people with magic to live in freedom, and that thought made Arthur’s stomach clench painfully and brought him back to the fight with Merlin.
It all started when they found the body of a young warlock, barely out of his teens brutally murdered in the woods, iron shackles around his wrist. After that, their conversations on how to deal with the whole situation became more and more tense, Merlin speaking from his heart and stomach, asking Arthur to do more, and Arthur trying to avoid a civil war, knowing that noble’s houses were already taking advantage of the situation, rallying people against the Pendragon house and against magic users.
And then, he found out about the plot to murder him, and also the Court Sorcerer, who, obviously, was accused to have enchanted and seduced the king, taking away his free will and opening the doors to a world of sorcery and evil. They had wanted to keep their relationship private, but that couldn’t really keep the rumors of their secret companionship at bay, and Arthur winced thinking back on the things he learned from his spies, at the awful gossip that the anti-magic front was spreading on their behalf, whereas his love for Merlin was nothing but pure and sincere.
And then when his spies told him about enemy houses fabricating daggers and arrows breathed in dragon fire, able to kill any immortal creature, with the clear intent to murder the Court Sorcerer, Arthur blood run cold, and all he could think about was a way to keep Merlin safe.
So he didn’t know how, or when, but he knew that someone in the court was plotting against them, and Merlin was probably an even more urgent target than himself.
He never truly revealed to Merlin how real those threats were getting though. He knew his lover way too well, and he feared that if Arthur’s safety was at stake, he might be less focused on the battle to protect magic users, and that couldn’t be allowed. In Arthur’s opinion, he had been Merlin’s priority for way too long, and now, it was his turn to be selfless, to put Merlin first.
That’s why he decided to send him on a mission with the druid, to seek their help, but also to keep him far away from those awful threats. Arthur knew that Merlin wouldn’t have give them much thought, that he would have easily dismissed the danger, and only focused on keep his king, sacrificing ready to sacrifice his life, as usual, if needed.
And he couldn’t allow that anymore. No matter the cost.
He winced remembering Merlin’s reaction to his orders, but he couldn’t truly find it in himself to regret his decision. He much preferred a furious Merlin over a dead one.
*** A few days before
« You are sending me away » Merlin said in a shocked voice. « People, my people, are getting murdered on the street Arthur and you are sending me away » he shouted as if couldn’t believe it.
« I am not sending you away Merlin, I am asking you to go to the Druids for a while to seek their counsels » Arthur replied in a softer tone trying to keep Merlin’s evident rage at bay.
« Yes well, to me that means that you are sending me away ».
« No, I…you don’t understand how difficult the situation is right now…Merlin »
« I don’t understand? A life spent in fear of being found out, of being killed for who I am, and I am the one that doesn’t understand » Merlin laughed bitterly. « I…I just cannot believe you Arthur, I…after everything we went through, I finally thought that you started to trust me, that you could finally seek my help…but no, here you are asking me to go away and let you decide everything by yourself… »
Arthur sighed loudly, rubbing his eyes and trying to think of a way to lighten the situation: « Merlin it’s not like that, I just for a while and I think it’s the best… » but Merlin didn’t let him finish.
« The best? The best Arthur? You are asking the Court Sorcerer to leave your side, but without me here, how can people truly be safe? » he said unable to keep his voice from breaking.
How can you be safe by my side Arthur thought, but didn’t say? Instead, he closed his eyes as he spoke, knowing that he was about to drive Merlin away « I am not going to discuss this with you any further, Merlin, that’s my final decision. And It’s an order. You are taking Gwaine with you ».
Merlin froze and looked at Arthur as he couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. Then he put on a blank face and replied coldly: « As you wish. Sire ».
Arthur’s heart broke hearing the icy tone of his lover, knowing that he might not forgive him for this decision, but he couldn’t risk Merlin’s life.
« Don’t expect me to be ok with this thought » Merlin said « and don’t wait for me in your chambers tonight. I’ll leave first thing tomorrow in the morning ».
Arthur simply nodded looking away, as an unpleasant feeling settled in his gut. He wanted to tell Merlin that he loved him and that he was going to miss him, but he knew that was not what Merlin wanted to hear from him right now.
So, when Merlin run out from the throne room slamming the doors behind him, without even glancing back at him, or uttering a word of goodbye, Arthur only hoped that he would be able see him again, if only to tell him he was sorry.
***
Back to present, at the Druid camp
Merlin was seated in the cold ground, near the fire, slowly drinking his cup of mead, lost in his thoughts, and gently lulled by the voices of the druid laughing and talking in the camp, when Gwaine joined him.
He sits next to him putting an arm around his shoulders.
« Ash, the Princess finally managed to make you truly mad, I see »
Merlin shrugged without replying, and kept staring at the fire in front of him, with a sad face.
« Well, Merlin, you have not pronounced more than three words in row since we arrived three days ago, you cannot blame me for being worried, it’s not exactly your style ».
« I just can’t believe that he sent me away Gwaine. He never did that, never, not even when he found out I had magic, and now that I am truly needed in Camelot, now that we can make the difference, he just decides to shut me out… ».
« Well, you know that Arthur might do some truly stupid choice when under pressure, I am sure that he’ll come around, and he will send for you as soon as he realizes that he cannot even dress properly without your help » Gwaine said with a smile, trying to offer some comfort but Merlin didn’t seem to believe it.
« I hate him so fucking much sometimes », he muttered.
« Yeah, well, I think that the whole problem is that you actually don’t ».
Merlin sighed, resting his chin on his knees: « Yeah, well, the problem is that I actually truly don’t », he admitted, hating himself a little for missing Arthur so badly despite being infuriated at him.
« I didn’t say goodbye » he said after a while as if that thought hadn’t cross his mind until that very moment. Stay safe, don’t be an idiot, be careful, they always parted saying something small and simple, that meant more than they wanted to say.
But this time they didn’t. Suddenly Merlin felt an unpleasant feeling settling in the pit stomach, a mix of worry and fear, and he regretted the way he left Arthur.
« I am sure this mission won’t last long Merlin, I give him two days at best before he asks you back » Gwaine told him ruffling his hair.
Merlin hoped with all his heart that Gwaine was right.
Gwaine wasn’t right, but he wasn’t entirely wrong either. Two days later a crow came with a message from the king that simply read Be Safe. I miss you.
Merlin shook his head sighing deeply. He didn’t really expect for Arthur to call him back even if he had hoped to be proved wrong, but he couldn’t help the rush of relief he felt reading those simple words from Arthur.
He waited one whole day before sending his reply. He thought of never reply at all, only to make Arthur understand how mad he was, but then he knew how proud Arthur could be, and if he sent those words, he must have been truly miserable. And alone. Since young sorcerers had been recently knighted, using their spells to strengthen the knight’s weapons and keeping Arthur safe, he felt slightly better at the thought of leaving Arthur for a few days, and also, the king could always rely on his closest friends for counsel.
Yet, Gaius was getting older and tired by the day, Lancelot and Leon were busy surveying the borders and the small villages, where the crimes against sorcerers were usually more aggressive, and Gwen was pregnant, and worried about Lancelot’s safety of course. He knew that Arthur had to take most of his decisions alone. That was probably the reason he took such horrible decisions, the thought remembering their ugly fight.
Idiot. He wrote on one side of the parchment.
Let me come home. He wrote on the other side before attaching it to the black raven.
Only had to wait the morning after to found out Arthur’s reply, written on both sides as the first one.
Not yet
Forgive me, please
Merlin, crumpled the piece of parchment in his head, and throw it away with an angry move. He sat on the bedroll of his tent for a few moments cursing Arthur under his breath then he decided to take a walk to clear his head. Before going out he picked up the small message from the floor, he unwrinkled it a bit, then he folded it carefully and put it in the pocket of his cloak. He sent a raven back just a few hours later.
I hate you
he turned the parchment and wrote on the back
well, not really, but still mad
And so they went on for a few days, exchanging small two-sided messages that were meant to say so much more:
Don’t be mad.
Are you eating?
***
Yes, you stupid prat.
Are you sleeping?
***
I am.
Enjoying Ruith’s company ?
***
I know you are not sleeping.
Ruith is being charming.
***
Glad to know.
Actually, I am not glad at all.
***
He’s a good friend.
Don’t be a child.
***
I am not.
But I am your best friend.
***
Gwaine is.
Let me come home.
***
Not now.
I love you…
Merlin closed his eyes holding that last message close cursing Arthur once again for making it almost impossible to stay mad at him. He placed the message on the top of the others on the small table in his tent, and decided that he was done with the whole mess.
Arthur clearly wasn’t trying to get rid of him, according to his stupid messages, and from what he could hear about more serious reports from the court, he was more and more focused on protecting magic user over the reign. So what was the whole point of him staying away?
The druids had shared many useful information’s, and they agreed to welcome every single magic user that felt unsafe or that wanted to find out more about the arts of magic, but Merlin now longed to go home and feel useful again.
He finally made up his mind and went to see Gwaine who was, unsurprisingly, flirting with a cute girls and drinking mead near the fire.
« We are going home » Merlin said, in a tone that didn’t really allow no in reply.
Gwaine raised his eyebrow and gave him a puzzling look « So the Queen has finally called you back? »
« No, I simply decided that I am just not going to do what he ask. Not this time. It’s starting to get ridiculous. He says that he loves me, but he can’t even trust me enough to rely on me for help him out with the whole war on magic. After all I have done for him, he still won’t let me truly be his equal, his partner in this, and it’s infuriating, we should face this together. But I’ve never listened to him before, so I am done with listening to him now. I am going back, and I will force my help on him if I have to. » Merlin said in one breath, with a fierce look in his eyes, as if he was finally able to truly speak his mind on the whole thing.
Gwaine paused before answering as if he was trying to chose his words very carefully.
« Merlin… you know that I agree with you on the subject of our dear Queen’s silly behaviour, but, maybe we shouldn’t…I am not sure that it’s a good idea to leave just now. » he said hoping in vain to sound convincing.
« I’ve made my decision. I am going back to Camelot, with or without you Gwaine, and if he doesn’t want me back, he will have to throw me in the dungeons to get rid of me. »
« Merlin…» he sighed and passed a hand through his hair.
An unpleasant suspicion started to make way in Merlin’s mind. In every other occasion Gwaine would have been more than glad to disobey Arthur’s orders and to join him in his small rebellion.
Gwaine seemed worried though, and he was hiding something. A terrible liar he was.
« What Gwaine… »
Gwaine open his mouth as to speak but then he changed his mind and stayed silent looking away.
« You think he is right » Merlin said sounding almost shocked
« No » Gwaine immediately replied. « No, he probably shouldn’t have pushed you away without an explanation, I mean, a proper explanation, it’s just that… »
« You mean that’s there a proper explanation I know nothing of? »
Gwaine looked at him in the eyes and decided to be honest with his best friend « Merlin, did you really thought that Arthur sent you away just because he didn’t want you help ? »
Merlin looked almost lost « He might be thick and vain sometimes, but he really doesn’t even know how to get up in the morning without you next to him. »
Merlin started to feeling quite uneasy at the unexpected turn of the conversation.
« Merlin, we know that someone in the court is plotting to kill the king, we don’t know who though, and we are doing the best we can to keep Arthur safe. And let’s say that Arthur is doing the best he can to keep you safe too » Merlin felt his veins frozen, as he started to put the pieces together even if nothing seemed to make sense.
« He ordered me to stay here to protect you, and he asked me to keep you here at any cost, even when you would have eventually decided to just come back. Because that’s how well he knows you actually…»
Merlin cut him off and shouted in shock « By the gods, is everybody just went crazy? There is a plot to kill Arthur and you agreed with him on sending him away? Saving Arthur from plot to kill him has been my only occupation basically from the day I arrived in Camelot, what were you thinking! »
And then he started to panic, pacing around the fire « Oh Mother, so there is someone that might be trying to kill Arthur just now as we speak and I am here and I can’t do anything about it? We have to go, we just have to go, now, immediately, I am not staying here one minute longer.
He is an idiot, an idiot, I have been saving his ass for the past ten years and now he starts treating me as if I was a helpless maid to protect. He is going to be so sorry for it, so sorry… »
« Merlin » Gwaine cut him off and tried to calm down his friend putting a hand on his shoulder « Actually, Arthur might have a point this time. I wouldn’t have agreed on this mission otherwise. I know that… » he paused « … we came to know that the anti-magic front is getting organized, and they are fabricating new weapons. Deadly weapons That might kill you too… » he sighed deeply « They are starting to seek out weapons forged in dragon breath, and we knew of a potion that could…just make any sorcerer lose his powers…and I know you saved Arthur’s live over and over again but this time you are the target too, maybe even more so than the king…they think you enchanted him »
Merlin seemed taken aback with the revelation, then shut his eyes closed thinking of the awful accusation, he knew about the rumors that magic haters were spreading about him, but he hated to think that someone could think that his love for Arthur was nothing but pure:
« That…that doesn’t matter, I was always in danger and I always found a way to keep myself and Arthur safe…And how could you even think that I should not be told about it! It’s not just about me, those weapons could harm any sorcerer, and Arthur thinks that the smartest solution is to send me away… »
He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or to cry, somehow moved at the thought of Arthur’s concern for him, something he could always understand, since he also lived in a state of permanent worry for his king, but he was also deeply hurt for the way Arthur decided to shut him off every decision, exposing other sorcerers, less powerful than him, to those awful new threats.
« You are not changing your mind, are you? » Gwaine said somewhat resigned.
Merlin gave him a blank look « No way ».
Then he stormed toward his tent to prepare his bags in a frenzy, pausing only to answer Arthur’s message.
Idiot.
You are such an idiot.
They left the druid camp at dawn, headed towards Camelot, and once arrived, Merlin couldn’t decide if he was going to just hug Arthur senseless, or shout at him with every ounce of his being.