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When Susan returns from Narnia the second time - what feels more like an exile than anything else - she gives herself a week to mourn. The last time she, along with her other siblings, had a much harder time adjusting. Of course they did. One moment they were adults, rulers of a prospering kingdom for over a decade, the next children again. Their limbs did not work properly. Their emotions were much harder to control at times, although their maturity did not fade - hormones are frustrating that way. They were being treated as if they had no minds of their own. As if their opinions didn’t matter. As children.
It was completely maddening. Nothing was right. They moved on, changed, while the world stayed the same. In the blink of an eye Susan had gone from a respected queen to the pretty, yet practical, one all over again. To the eldest daughter, the one who had all the expectations of a grown woman and yet none of the authority. It had been obvious even before Narnia, but was even more so now. While Peter had expectations of his own, to be ‘the man of the family’ while their father was away, it was nothing to what Susan was supposed to endure. Because being the eldest daughter always means something different than being the eldest son.
The first time they returned - well. It had been nothing short of hell as far as she was concerned. As far as they all had been although no one said it quite like that. This time however - this time is both better and worse. Better because they had been there for so short a time. Worse for that same reason. Worse because Narnia had moved on without them. Worse because this was her last time. Edmund and Lucy may have been promised more, but she and Peter had not. Worse because she had gotten what she wanted, but it was so bitter. So bitter, yet she never wanted it to end.
Unfortunately, her opinion was never asked for in this decision. Yet again a man decided that he knows what is best for her and decided her fate. Perhaps it is unfair to compare Aslan to the sexist men of this - of both - worlds, but she cannot help it. Not when the bitterness threatens to swallow her whole. He is not a tame lion. His ways are mysterious and sometimes harsh, but for the best. Or at least that is what they are told. That is what they have seen. It is not her love of Aslan that Susan doubts - and that makes it all the worse.
Where things had been, if not simple, than easier before, it is the exact opposite now. Nothing is easy, nothing is simple and the world is a complicated place. Complicated - and distant. Almost as if it isn’t real. As if this world is a dream and Narnia is their true home. Well the latter is certainly true, even if the former isn’t. If only this world was a dream. If only it would be as easy as waking up to return home. Return to where she truly belongs. She knows that this feeling is echoed by the others. This isn’t home. It hasn’t been for a long time now. Ever since they stepped through that wardrobe what feels like a lifetime ago.
It does seem as if she is the one struggling the most this time though. Edmund and Lucy had been promised more. They are both dealing with it in their own way, but better than last time. Sad, upset and longing, yet not devastated. Peter seems more accepting, less bitter, over the news. As if he has made his peace and is ready to move on - or as ready as any of them can be.
Maybe it is because he has a future to look forward to in this world. Already he is looking at universities to continue his education. There are several that are interested in having him. Or, if not, there is still a war going on. Peter is a born leader, even before Narnia. It will be easy for him to raise up in the ranks should he enlist. He still has some months before he can, but it does not appear as if this war will be stopping anytime soon. He will have the opportunity if he wants it.
What will Susan have? If she follows the expected plan - she will finish her education at boarding school and then on to find a husband.
Maybe she would have been content with that before. But now? Now she knows exactly what she is capable of. What she can achieve, if only given the opportunity. No, not given - take. She will have to take what she wants if she wants any satisfaction out of this life. No one is going to hand it to her. They will all be too busy forcing her into things that they think will make her happy. Never mind that it will not be what she wants. Never mind that they will never ask her - they never have before. Things could have been much worse for her she knows - no one has ever forced her, blatantly ignored her, abused her - but it could be better as well. An absent minded disregard is capable of cutting too.
Part of her can’t help but wonder if this is some kind of punishment after all. That’s not how Aslan put it. He never even hinted at the possibility of it. That does not stop the darkest part of her mind from wondering though. Doubting. What if? What if? Those questions are poison she knows, but she cannot help it. Everything is still too raw right now. It may get better in time - she hopes - but for now there is a storm of emotions in her head from the news. At least she heard it from Aslan himself. Then again does that make it better or wore? Was this her punishment for dealing with things the only way she knows how?
Practical. Oh how she hates that word. It is the word everyone uses to describe her. Practical. Funny how that can sound both like praise and condemnation all at once. Susan is the eldest daughter, so she is practical. Susan is aware of the expectations of this world and how to deal with them, so she is practical. Susan has been forced to grow up before her time, so she is practical. How hateful.
Her parents - the adults around her - all praise her for it. Her siblings on the other hand make it sound as if it is a personality flaw. Not an asset. Not something to be proud of. Not something to brag about, as if they, and not the situation, made her so. As if forcing her out of her childhood is a good thing. Because heaven forbid she be childish or immature when one day she will be a wife and mother. How will she ever get married if she isn’t a proper young lady? What will her future husband think if she isn’t lady like all the time? As if her body, along with her future, isn’t hers. Hateful.
Just as worse as practical however is gentle. Gentle. That is the title she had been given in Narnia. The thing she was known for. It sounded the same in her ears even if no one else seemed to notice. Peter was magnificent, Edmund was just, Lucy as valiant - and yet Susan was gentle. Funny how no one else had a problem with that. Gentle as if she has not fought in battles herself. Gentle as if that is not an expectation that comes with beauty. Gentle as if her looks - and not her mind - was what mattered. There is nothing fierce about gentle. There is nothing strong about gentle. Or brave. Or anything else for that matter.
Practical and gentle - the perfect combination for a good little housewife. That is the expectation she has lived under for her entire life. Lucy is lucky, she is still young yet. Young enough to miss the majority of this. Young enough that she is not developed in any of the ways that matter. Young enough that she is still cute and not pretty. Not growing into a beautiful young woman. It’s something Susan sometimes envies. It means that she bears the brunt of their mother’s attention instead. It means all the focus and expectations are on her. Lucy has never been very in tune with this, even before. Susan, on the other hand, understands its realities all too well.
She has always been the pretty one, even before she was old enough to have the title. Before she should have to deal with the attention. Men, no matter what world, have always paid too much attention to her looks and not anything else. As if her body is the only thing that mattered. She will never forget Rabadash and the war and the violence he threatened, simply because he wanted to on her. Possess her. The trophy wife of Narnia. The one time she took a chance, pursued a suitor instead of sending him away and look what happened.
Never again. That is what she vowed in Narnia and she fully intends to keep it. Never again will she allow herself to be put in that position. Never again will a man have a chance to own her and trap her and hurt her. If he taught her anything it was that the brightest smiles hide the darkest shadows. She is a queen of Narnia, exiled or no. She will not fall into an abusive relationship again. Boys may be interesting in some ways, but in others they are a death sentence. Before Narnia she may have accepted her role as housewife, but now she will not be so tame. Her standards have been raised and she intends to keep them there.
That does not mean she does not know how to play the game. How to turn these expectations into weapons of her own. They are meant to make her powerless, but she will be powerful instead. Turn practical into a weapon. Sharpen the blade of her gentleness. She was not weak in Narnia and she will not be weak now. She will find her own way through this world. She will turn the game against them. It will take time and she has things to learn, but she is determined. Though she may walk the path she is expected to, she will do it her own way. From Narnia she has a lifetime of hiding in plain sight.
Gentle does not mean what everyone assumes it does. It does not make her weak willed or easy prey. It does not make her naive or easy to manipulate, although that has not stopped some from trying. It does not mean she does not know how to fight - and will fight when necessary. Just because she does not enjoy violence does not mean she will stand by passively while others fight her battles for her. Never again. Never again . Gentle does not mean that she cannot stand up for herself.
Yet no one else seems to see it. All they see is her beauty. All they know is that she is practical. She is not a real person to them, not really. Instead she is a symbol, a goal to achieve. Her opinions do not matter. Her education will not matter. All that will are her looks and her skills in the home. That is what the world tells her. That is all she has ever heard. The only purpose she has is as a future wife - a future mother.
Well no more. She has been to Narnia twice. She has been a queen. She is being forced through puberty a second time. Practical she may be, but in others she is changed forever. There is no going back to what she was before. That is impossible, even if she wanted to. And she doesn’t. For all that she is bitter and hurt and angry she would not change it for anything. Narnia is still a part of her, even if she is not a part of it. It will always be inside of her forever. Maybe she just might hate Aslan for it, a little bit, but that does not change it.
When Susan returns from Narnia the second time she gives herself a week to mourn before she puts her practicality to good use. It is time to forge her own path - somehow. She’ll find a way. And when she does, the world won’t know what happened to it.