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"This master promise you, even if something does happen, nothing will happen to you."
Luo Binghe couldn't think of anything but those words. The exact words of his Shizun. His Shizun who pushed him down the abyss the second he discovered that he was a half demon. Those words. Those lies.
That was all he can think of when he went through the endless abyss. Slaughtering monsters and demons and seeking shelters in caves half his size. The abyss was cruel and unforgiving. Magma everywhere burning his white and pale green robes. His sword-Zheng Yang- was left on top with his Shizun.
All he can think of were those words when his mind went crazy.
'Did Shizun ever cared for me? Or was everything else lies'
He wanted answers. Those thoughts were what drove him through the abyss, fighting his way through life. He should've known that the "new" Shen Qingqiu was still cruel. Sheltering him, attention, affections, just to throw him down the abyss. It was cruel to another level. He'd rather get beat than shown affection then betrayal.
It was truly a pitiful sight. Even if he went through all the pain, he remained alive, thinking of his Shizun who had abandoned him. He hung on to every memory of his Shizun, hoping to feel like all this was just a nightmare, and that he'll wake up to his side room in the bamboo house. His fingers traced over the scar on top of his skin that laid above his heart. All he can think of is Shizun... what did I do wrong.
He cursed at himself plenty of times. If only he wasn't so desperate to crave that attention, he would've never had suffered this much. If only he had listened to every logistic part of his brain, that Shizun did not change, he would not be suffering this much from heartbreak. He'd rather suffer from beating than another heartbreak. It was too similar to when he had lost his mother.
On days that he didn't accidentally hide into a cave full of traps, he would often think of his life in Qing Jing Peak and laughed at how stupid he was. How could he be so naive?! To trust the very man who sends him dirty looks, poured hot tea on him, locked him in a shed, and beat him to no ends. And then went to his every beck and call like a dog when he changed?!
He laughed at himself and his stupidness. His Shizun is too unforgiving. Why not just beat him like before if he was going to abandon him? That would've been easier to heal his broken heart. But his Shizun has treated him better than any other disciple, cared for him, and now his heart will forever be broken.
In the corner of his eyes, he spots a little boy with fluffy hair that's tied in a ponytail. His smile sad and lonely, face bruised, it remained him of his time before his Shizun changed. The boy was little, so tiny. He turned around and smiled at Binghe.
"Shizun is so cool! I'll never hate him, he saved me after all." The little boy said. His smile was so bright and blinding. Binghe couldn't help but feel the rim of his eyes burn.
So fake.
"What if Shizun isn't there one day?" Binghe asked. The little boy looked confused, he stared at him for a couple of seconds before answering with another bright smile. His face and heart so pure it makes him feel like dirt to even be near him.
"Shizun will always be there!"
So naive.
"But what if Shizun one day decides he didn't want you anymore?" The little boy's expression didn't falter. If anything, he smiled once again. The smile as bright as the other two.
"Shizun must have a reason then, he always does."
Shut up.
The little boy then disappeared from his vision. Binghe opened his eyes. It was all a dream. Perhaps the little boy disappeared when he found his happiness- at least that's what Binghe dared to hope.
Binghe had always wondered if he'll ever survive in the abyss. The monsters and demons' injuries are nothing compared to his Shizun. His Shizun had struck the deepest part of his heart to smithereens. The injuries on his body heal easily with no scar. The wound in his heart will forever stay there and haunt him.
The only thing that had kept him going was his thoughts about Shizun. And his useless hope. He had dreamed of his Shizun seeing him again and ran towards him with tears in his eyes, full of regret and pain.
"Binghe! This master regrets everything he did."
And then he would wake up, and it was all a dream. Even his dreams were unforgiving. Even if he had learned to control it, his Shizun will always find a way to torment him.
"Shizun... is it this disciple's fault?"
He had tried to tell himself over and over again. That his Shizun still cares. That his Shizun must be mourning so much. That his Shizun regrets everything. That they will still have a chance to fix everything.
His thoughts all darkened when he finally found Xin Mo. The sword's spirit was unforgiving. Striking him in all of his weaknesses. Always talking about Shizun's betrayal. Yet, he couldn't help but feel that his Shizun was even more unforgiving.
"Your Shizun showed your kindness and sheltered you. And yet he still abandoned you. You call that love?"
"He doesn't love you at all! I bet he'd rather eat dirt than see you alive!”
The words Xin Mo whisper to his ears day and night no longer have any effects on him. He convinced himself. He was going to find Shizun and find all the answers himself.
Yet, when he went to Huan Hua Palace, he could not help but feel scared. He couldn't help but feel so helpless among the cultivators.
When he first saw his Shizun. He couldn't help but feel happiness, bitterness, sadness, and a tint of anger. His Shizun didn't speak a word to him, chose to walk right past him with the cultivators.
'Shizun, am I no longer a cultivator? Pay attention to me!....please'
Binghe was beyond broken. His Shizun didn't even spare him a glance. As if he was air. He can feel Xin Mo mocking him yet again by his side. The sword refused to give up on splitting his will apart. This time, he couldn't help but feel that Xin Mo might have a point. Perhaps his Shizun had despised him so much to pretend he didn't even exist.
He saw his Shizun's cold face and the even colder glance he gave him when the rumors came out about his Shizun. Binghe chose not to do anything but stand at the side and watched it happen. Xin Mo silently laughing in approval when he chose to do this. He needed to be alone with his Shizun, and the only way is the use the method his Shizun hates him for- a method only a demon would use.
Shen Qingqiu sat there with a fan hiding his face as he silently listened to the accusations send towards his way. His face still cold and expressionless, when it fell on Binghe, it was even colder. Binghe couldn't help but shiver.
When Shen Qingqiu went into the water prison. Binghe felt his hand itch to rip those ropes off. His Shizun doesn't deserve to be locked up. It doesn't suit him. Xin Mo clicked his tongue in disapproval.
When he finally decided to visit his Shizun, his eyes went red with anger when he saw the pathetic mistress whipping his Shizun, he grabbed the whip, the thorns ripping into his hand, but he didn't care. The mistress looked shocked and stuttered, her face red with embarrassment and anger as she stormed out the water prison.
His Shizun still refused to speak to him. Shen Qingqiu stayed silent throughout all of his questionings. Binghe felt his patience thinning and Xin Mo's thirst for blood and death. When he took his robe off and gave it to his Shizun, Shizun didn't even move to get it but stared at it in disgust.
When he reached his room, he broke down. His tears of 3 years finally spilling down. All his hopes, crushed. The hopes that drove him forward in the abyss, all broken. Everything he had built up spilled out. From the moment his mother died, when he got into Qing Jing Peak, when he was bullied and abused, when his Shizun had shown him kindness when he was pushed into the abyss, it all came spilling out.
Luo Binghe has stayed strong throughout everything. Believing there is always a bright outcome for people who tries their hardest. His Shizun had destroyed that hope. The bright future had blackened.
He saw a small boy, similar to the one he saw in the abyss but now taller, sitting in the corner of his room. His face was completely free of bruises. His hand held a bright sword and his face held a smile bright with pride.
"Look! I finally got my sword!" The boy held out the bright sword with pride, the sword glistening in the sun and so bright and beautiful.
"Shizun said that I'll grow strong with this sword!"
Bullshit.
"Shizun said he's proud of me!"
Lies.
"Shizun said he'll teach me forever and that he'll never leave me!"
Shut up.
The boy disappeared.
Binghe woke up to the dark ceiling. Something he's gotten familiar to since he was pushed into the abyss.
It was all a dream again. But he couldn't help but cry once again for the boy's pure heart filled with determination and hope. His face filled with so much pride when wielding the bright sword.
Shizun has already left you.
When his Shizun self destructed. He had finally learned the truth and cried. His Shizun did care. His Shizun did mourn. He did regret what he did. But his heart, sometimes tells him otherwise. Xin Mo groaning in annoyance at his side. He snarled at the sword, if it hasn't tried to control him at that moment, his Shizun would've still been alive.
He fought with Liu Qingge for years. Years that went by so slowly. Years he spends sending spiritual energy to his Shizun's corpse while hoping to find a way to bring his Shizun's soul back.
It was painful.
To think he had once doubted his Shizun. His Shizun had saved him. Not in a way he had hoped. But nonetheless, he saved him.
When his Shizun had finally come back. He had stared at Binghe with the coldest look ever. Binghe felt his hope crashing yet again. His Shizun had hidden the fact he was alive and inside a spare body. He was reluctant to go to with Binghe.
Binghe ignored the screams of the peak lords and his past martial sisters and brothers. They stared and screamed at him angrily as he ripped open a rift and dragged his Shizun inside the rift.
His Shizun refused to even speak a word to him. He sat in the room, his figure was bright as ever. After his changed, he had seemed less aloof and lofty, but now it almost seemed like he had gone back, aloof, lofty, cold, and distant.
His Shizun had even requested that he doesn't visit him. His heart broke at that. But he still went and made meals for his Shizun.
When his Shizun "died" in his arms again. He felt hopeless. The spare body needed more spiritual energy to not decay. He had spent more days sending spiritual energy to this body. His Shizun didn't come back.
Then he felt his blood somewhere activating. His heart once again was filled with hope. He had stormed into the Holy Mausoleum, he fought two demons, had let his Shizun escape first, and had fainted in his Shizun's arm.
Half of him expected to be left alone after he fainted. The other half was filled with hope that his Shizun would protect him. His Shizun had protected him. Waking up in the coffin had left him feeling hopeless yet again, but when he saw his Shizun injured and cursing at the two demons in front of the coffin he was in, his heart was filled with hope once again.
They had finally escaped the two demons. He felt happy standing next to his Shizun again. If only Liu Qingge didn't interfere.
When his Shizun had pushed him away, and once again refused to go with him. His heart broke once again. He had finally realized. If he had told his Shizun if he'd chose Cang Qiong or him. His Shizun would choose Cang Qiong in a heartbeat.
When his Shizun said he missed in his dream.
Luo Binghe refused to believe him.
‘Shizun... stop lying! Isn’t that what you taught this lowly disciple?’
He saw a man this time. The man has black robes and a dark sword by his side. But this time, instead of a bright smile and a pure heart. His heart was blackened to the point of no return. His sword filled with resentment and his eyes were pitch black.
"Pathetic, I'm so pathetic."
Yes, you are.
"Shizun will never choose me."
Yes, he won't.
"I can't believe I fell for him."
Ah...My sole regret.
For once. The man in his dream had the same pain as him.
Instead of disappearing, the man had jumped.
Luo Binghe had finally gone mad. The sword had taken full control of him. He can't hear anything. He couldn't see anything. He couldn’t feel anything.
When he can finally see, he saw his Shizun’s shocked expression and sharp pain in his chest. His vision went black and he no longer felt anything anymore.
‘Shizun... why do you look so upset? This disciple finally did what he should’ve done! Aren’t you proud of me?’
Shen Yuan doesn't ask for much in life. All he wanted was a peaceful life and be able to run around. But all that disappeared to hospitals and his failed organs. His constant visits to the hospital made him bedridden and unable to move. His only escape was the shitty book.
When he first transmigrated, he had wanted to run around freely. But of course, fate will never allow him. He was transmigrated into a peak lord.
When he first meets Binghe, he wanted to help the kid out, he wanted to teach him and make his death at least less painful. He had no idea what he was doing to his poor disciple's head. When he was forced to push Binghe in, he couldn't help but fear death. He pushed his disciple away every time.
When he finally had realized that everything he was doing was wrong, it was too late.
“Shizun... would you be happy if this disciple disappear?"
What?
Shen Qingqiu stood there shocked as he watched his former disciple took Xin Mo and stabbed it through his heart. His once white lotus eyes dimmed but for once since the abyss; his smile was so bright. But so sad.