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It wasn’t supposed to happen like it did.
The Losers were at Bill’s house for the night. Georgie was in bed, as his bedtime was 8:00 and it was well after 9:30. Bill’s parents had simply winked and let him and the losers take over the living room for the night. This culminated in seven kids in sleeping bags spread out over couches and the floor.
“Why don’t we do this every day?” Richie asked. He sat on his sleeping bag, sitting on his knees.
“Because we actually have other commitments, Rich,” said Stan dryly. He was laying on his sleeping bag, propping his head up with his arm.
“Yeah, and not all of us are extroverts,” added Mike, sitting with his back against the couch next to Stan.
“G-g-gotta agree with them there,” agreed Bill from his perch on the couch.
“You guys are so boring!” Richie threw his head back in mock agony.
“I’m an extrovert too, Richie, so at least you have me!” offered Bev, lying on her back.
“Hell yeah!” Richie leaned over to give her a fist bump. “Bev continues to be the only valid one out of all of us.”
Ben made a noise of mock offense from the other couch.
“You too, Haystack,” said Richie, shooting him finger guns. “You’re the least awful of us.”
“...Thanks?” Ben said after evidently deciding that was a compliment.
“You’re welcome!” Richie beamed at him. “Now, who’s ready to get crushed in Truth or Dare?”
“Truth or Dare isn’t a competition.” Stan said.
“Not if you’re a coward,” interjected Eddie, sitting cross-legged on his own sleeping bag next to Richie.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard him.” Richie smirked.
“Okay, are you g-g-going to s-start, o-or am I going to h-h-h-have to send you home before you start f-fighting?” Bill took a more authoritative tone.
“Sorry, Billy,” mumbled the boys, none of them sounding too sorry.
“All right, I’m starting.” Bev stared around the circle, daring anyone to contradict her. When no one did, she continued. “Okay, truth or dare… Mike!”
“Truth,” Mike said coolly. He looked perfectly relaxed- which Richie could never be if he had to pick truth. Too risky for him, especially one certain question.
Bev rubbed her hands together in a way that seemed to break Mike’s demeanor for a minuscule moment. “Okay, Mikey. What… is your favorite animal?” She seemed to be deliberately going tame on him… interesting.
He breathed a sigh of relief, and then answered. “Sheep. They’re so sweet, and yet so useful. Shearing them doesn’t hurt them- it actually benefits them as well as us. It’s symbiotic.”
“That was really well thought out,” said Bev with a shocked smile on her face.
“Okay, no need to sound so surprised about it,” Mike replied, shrinking into himself a little.
“No, no, Mike, I’m sorry, that was wonderful,” she reassured him, reaching across the circle to pat his arm. He beamed at her, then continued the game.
“Truth or dare… Stan.”
“Truth.” Stan answered before Mike even finished the question. Couldn’t be Richie.
“You’re all a bunch of wusses. If I were to be asked…”
“Shut up, Richie,” Eddie stage-whispered from beside him.
Richie ignored him. “I would simply not choose truth and instead choose dare. Think of all the dumb shit you could be forced to do! It’s glorious!”
“ANYWAY…” Stan loudly interrupted before Richie could rant any longer. “What were you going to ask me, Mike?”
“I got a good one. What is your secret guilty pleasure?” Mike asked with a tone that radiated genuine interest.
“I like to birdwatch. It’s just kind of calming to me. If anyone ever wants to join me, I’d love it.”
“We’ll make a day of it,” said Bev, casting her glance around the circle for approval. When she was met with approving glances and no objections, she continued again. “Next Saturday then.” Richie would be there. He loved spending time with his friends, even if it just meant laying on the ground together. Maybe he didn’t communicate that enough. Maybe he should.
“Okay, dickwads, next question.” Good job, Richie. That’ll sure show your affection.
“Calm down, fuckhead.” Eddie slapped him on the wrist. Richie swatted Eddie’s hand away, feeling his face grow hot. Eddie, of course, pushed back further, grabbing Richie’s wrist with his other hand. Richie’s heartbeat doubled in the span of a second. Dammit. Push your feelings down, Rich. You can’t think about this now, it’s just a fun night with your friends. Eddie’s your best friend. Stop it. He tried to ignore the obvious blush in his cheeks, prying Eddie’s hand off of his own. Richie closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. God. All this from a simple touch from his best friend?
“Rich? You okay?” Richie shook himself out of his reverie, only to see Ben standing up, holding a hairbrush. Somehow, Richie had missed Stan’s turn to ask the question while he was stuck in his own thoughts. All six faces were turned towards him, alerted by Ben’s question.
“Yeah, um, I’m fine,” he answered. Even to himself he sounded unsure. He tried again. “I’m grand, Bennifer. Sorry I missed it- now what the fuck are you doing?”
Stan’s face broke into a devious smile. “I dared Ben to sing us a beautiful a cappella rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart. You ready, Ben?”
Ben nodded, gulping. Stanley handed Ben a blanket, which he put on his head like a veil. And then he was off, crooning an admittedly not-terrible version of the ballad, singing it to no loser in particular. He seemed to know all the words, which both surprised Richie and didn’t surprise him at all. As the other Losers imitated the background singers and instruments, Ben channeled his inner Bonnie Tyler. Before long, Richie was genuinely into it, smiling and swaying along as his friend dramatically finished the song. Ben whipped off the blanket, throwing it to the losers. They clamored for it like an audience at a concert, and he sat down, exhilarated, among cheers.
“Damn, Hanscom, why didn’t you tell us you could sing like that?” Richie slapped him on the back, and Ben beamed.
“That is not what I expected, but I am extremely happy with the outcome,” smiled Stan. Ben turned his sunshine smile towards Stan, and then, still beaming, resumed the Truth or Dare game.
“All right, truth or dare, Richie.” Oh boy, it’s getting good. Richie didn’t even have to say he was picking dare; he had never once picked truth, and he didn’t intend to start now. “Don’t go easy on me, Haystack, I’ll do anything you want. Jump out the window, kiss Eddie’s mom,”
“Beep beep, Richie.”
“Hit me.” Of course, there were a few things he wouldn’t do, but he wasn’t counting on Ben to choose them.
“Okay, Rich, if that’s what you want,” said Ben, still radiating newfound confidence, “then I dare you…”
Richie sat back on his sleeping bag, easily anticipating his dare.
“I dare you to choose truth the next time you’re chosen.” Ben’s dare completely caught Richie off guard. If he had a drink, he would have spit it out like in those comedies he watched religiously.
“What? That’s not fair-“
“Come on Rich,” laughed Mike.
“Yeah, didn’t you say you never turn down a dare,” jeered Eddie, softly elbowing him. Of course, this sent another jolt down Richie’s spine.
Richie was frozen for a second, but his mind whooshed with a million thoughts. They’re gonna find out oh god I can’t do this theres a million questions they could ask oh no but what if someone asks the question whats gonna happen I’m royally fucked oh my god fuck oh no
“Okay, cool, whatever,” he conceded. “I’ll still blow you all out of the water.”
“Again, not a competition,” mumbled Stan.
“Eddie’s mom’s a competition!” Richie retorted.
“That didn’t even make sense, asshole!” Eddie crossed his arms, pouting. God, he was cute.
“That’s what your mom said last night,” Richie teased, winking at Eddie. He couldn’t let him know how much he liked him.
“Ugh, shut up,” Eddie muttered, looking away. His face went pink.
“You’re cute when you blush,” teased Richie. He went to pinch Eddie’s cheek, but Eddie leaned away. Richie kept up the pretense of fake flirting so Eddie wouldn’t know that he meant every single word. Well, not about Mrs. K, of course, but for Eddie? He was head over heels.
“Richie, it’s your turn, we’re waiting on you,” called Bev.
“Oh, right. Uh…” Shit. Who to pick…
“Eddie Spaghetti!” He turned once again to his friend.
"Uh oh." Eddie let out a sigh. "Please just get it over with. Give me a dare. And don't call me that!"
"Perfect!" Richie ignored the last part of Eddie's sentence. "Okay, Eds. I dare you to... raid Bill's pantry and eat the first thing you see."
"The entire thing?" Eddie overemphasized the words, as if he just couldn't believe Richie's super outlandish request.
"Because I am a generous and merciful friend, no. Just a serving of it."
"Thank you, your highness." Eddie's words dripped with sarcasm.
"J-j-just be quiet, and don't knock anything o-over," called Bill as Eddie got up to perform the task.
"I won't let him," called back Richie.
Eddie stormed to the pantry. As he did, Richie, being Richie, had to make another joke. "Eddie Spaghetti should get Spaghetti-Os, am I right, or would that be cannibalism?"
"No."
"You just can't handle the truth." Richie turned on the light, and before Eddie looked in the pantry, he gave Richie one last glare. Of course, it went right down through Richie's body from his head to his toes. Before he could say anything else, Eddie's glance landed on an open jumbo-sized bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos.
"Ugh, do you know how many germs are in there? It's open, so who knows the pathogens that have been transported? How many, Rich?" Eddie searched the pantry for napkins.
"Probably 69,420 or so." RIchie smirked.
"Thank you, Richie. That was very informative." Eddie deadpanned as Richie grabbed the bag. "They could carry yellow fever for all we know!"
"Shut up and eat the chips before I do," said Richie as they headed back to the group.
The group clamored to see what Eddie was stuck with, and watched with glee as Richie ceremoniously presented him with the bag.
"Your Doritos, my good sir." He bowed down low as Eddie sat back down.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure."
"Do you two ever stop?" asked Stan.
"Sorry, Stanny, the answer's a firm no. You know you love us." Richie slung an arm around Stan's soldier as Stan tried not to smirk.
"Alright, Eds, enjoy," Richie smirked.
"I wish I had latex gloves," Eddie said, unwrapping the bag. He unceremoniously ate a chip. "Dee-licious. You happy now, Rich?"
Truthfully, Richie didn't care about the Doritos. He only cared about the time he just spent with Eddie to get them. He was uselessly crushing. Once he finally admitted it to himself, he had been more and more aware of it every time they interacted, which was always.
"Okay, dumbass. Horrible dare. It's my turn to ask, and I'm picking you." Eddie turned his gaze straight on Richie as Bill stole the bag from him.
"Ah ah ah, Eds,"
"Don't call me that!"
"You can't truth-or-dare the person that just truth-or-dared you!"
"He's right, you know," said Beverly with a mouth full of chips.
"Dammit." Eddie searched the circle for new fresh bait. Richie felt for the poor sap who had to receive Eddie's vengeful truth or dare.
"Bill. Our wonderful host!"
"Uh oh." Bill scooted back further onto the couch. "Truth."
Richie helped himself to a chip as Eddie pondered a good question. His thinking face was really cute. You're doing it again, Richie!
"Okay, Bill. How many times have you and Beverly kissed?"
The atmosphere in the room dropped six degrees in an instant. A thought hit Richie like a train: what if Eddie liked Bev? Oh, no. Oh, no. Of course.
"Uh, I don't know. T-t-ten?" Bill went stiff. Richie was still reeling from his thought, but in looking at Eddie, he began to reassure himself. Eddie was looking at Bev, sure, but not in that way. At least, if Richie was reading him right. Was he?
He needed to stop. "Good one, Eds."
"Don't call-"
"Next question? Bill?" Eddie's question had kept the attention off Richie, which for once in his life, he actually needed. He was still thinking about Eddie. No one needed to know.
As if Bill could read his mind, he pointed to Richie. "All right, you ready?"
Richie braced himself. "Whatever dare you like, my friend."
"Remember your last dare, don't wuss out of it now!" Mike called.
Dammit. "All right, let's just do it. Because you all want to be so incredibly boring, what truth do you want revealed?"
Bill leaned in. "H-h-here's my ch-chance, so I'm going to t-take it. Wh-who does the incred-d-dible Richie Tozier have a cr-crush on?"
Fuck. The single question he didn't want asked, and Bill asked it. Oh my god. He was screwed.
"Eddie's mom, am I right boys?" He held up his hand to Stan for a high five, but his usual spirit wasn't in it. Inside his mind was at DEFCON 1- red alert! Eds Alert!! He Was Literally Going To Die Alert!!!
"Be serious, Richie. It's called Truth or Dare, not Lame Joke or Dare," said Eddie.
"I don't have one," Richie answered. His voice quavered and his face burned. He was not the best liar, and it was obvious (to him, anyway).
"Aw, come on Richie, no one's gonna judge you for it!" Ben was genuine.
"Yeah, Rich, I'm sure she's wonderful!" She. Bev didn't realize it, but her use of "she" was exactly the problem. His crush wasn't a she, and his crush was sitting right there!
"I told you, I don't have one!" His sentiment came out harsher than he meant it to. He forced himself to smile, and diverted the game to Beverly again.
Richie waited a few more rounds, avoiding every gaze that fell upon him. After it had been long enough not to have been suspicious, he excused himself to the bathroom.
He locked the door and sat on the floor with his face in his hands. Why didn't he just tell them? They would accept him, right? But what about Eddie? What would Eddie say to the sudden realization that this dorky, loud, annoying trashmouth had a crush on him? Eddie was probably straight! Richie didn't know anyone else... like him, especially not in Derry. Realistically, Eddie and the others would want him out of the house. He'd be a double loser, outcasted from the outcasts.
Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his cheeks. He hated this feeling of absolute desolation. He felt alone, helpless. He was supposed to be the fearless, witty Richie Tozier, but now he just felt like Richie Failure.
"Fuck," he whispered quietly, hugging his knees to his chest. He needed to get it together, go back out there and crack a joke like he always did. He could just sweep it under the rug to deal with later.
He was startled by a knock at the door. "Richie? It's Ben. Is everything okay in there?" Ben had come to check on him. Richie permitted a small smile to ease itself onto his face as he got up to open the door.
"Hi, Ben." Richie didn't attempt to hide his tear-streaked face or his hiccuping sobs as Ben stood in the doorway.
"Do you need a hug?" Ben didn't ask anything else, just held his arms open.
For once, Richie didn't have an idiotic joke. He fell into Ben's arms, and let himself be held, quietly sobbing into his shoulder. He soaked up the warmth that Ben gave off like a beacon, and focused on nothing but his own crying. Ben didn't pull away until Richie did, and evaluated Richie's state.
"Oh." Ben closed the door so it was just the two of them. "Richie, what's wrong?"
"It's nothing, Ben. Thank you for letting me get that out," dismissed Richie, wiping away a tear. He made a supercilious motion with his hand, attempting to wave off the last five minutes of crying.
"It's not nothing, Richie. I know that crush question seriously got to you. If it makes you feel any better, I would feel the same way. Actually, the question before it, the one Eddie asked, made me feel like I was going to burst into tears at any second."
"Why? At the sheer romantic nature of Bill and Beverly?"
"No... Richie, can I admit something to you?"
"Sure, Ben." Richie felt valued, first of all, that Ben could trust him with whatever he was about to say.
"I'm in love with Beverly. I wrote her that January Embers poem that she thinks Bill wrote. I hate seeing them together, but they're both two of my best friends." Ben paused before continuing, looking at Richie as if scrutinizing him.
"Okay." Richie didn't really know what else to say. He wasn't great at this. Jokes, he could do. Friendship, he could do. But this deep, emotional friendship? He wasn't sure how to handle. But he damn sure was going to try. "Ben, I know it's gotta be hard for you to see Bill and Bev together, but we're still real young. She'll come around."
"You think?"
"I know."
"C-c-can I come in?" There was a soft knock on the door, paired with Bill's unmistakable voice.
Ben opened the door just a crack. "Are you guys worried about us? Should we come back out?"
"A little bit." Bill admitted. "Look, i-i-it's my p-party, and I want e-everyone to have a great t-t-t- aw, fuck- time, and I felt like I sh-should ch-ch-check on y-you."
Richie opened the door a little wider. "How long have you been there?"
"Only since Ben started t-talking about B-bev." Ben immediately shrunk down. He looked as if he fully expected to be beat up by Bill, although Richie knew Bill wasn't going to. Richie had been on the receiving end of that situation a few months ago. Bill now seemed concerned and curious.
"We broke up," Bill stated plainly. Richie felt his mouth drop open. So that's why Eddie's question was so weirdly received earlier. Again, Richie wasn't a romantic expert, but he probably should have picked up on the fact that Bev and Bill didn't have couple vibes anymore.
"We both d-d-decided we would be better off as f-friends." Bill was fully in the bathroom now, and he closed the door behind him. "S-so, Ben, I have absolutely nothing a-against you and Bev."
Ben's face lit up beside Richie." You mean it, Bill?"
"I do. B-bev's a great f-friend, but w-we didn't fit as a c-couple." Ben's smile seemed to light up the whole bathroom and made Richie feel warm. Richie couldn't help but feel happy because his friend was happy.
"Hey, Rich, do you want to go back?" Ben turned to Richie, questioning with his eyes.
In that moment, Richie surprised himself by what came out of his mouth. "Actually, before we do, I have something to tell you."
Both his friends turned towards him with worry on their faces. "Is everything o-okay?" Bill whispered.
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean- ugh, let me just say it." Richie took a deep breath. Holy shit. He was finally about to tell someone. Fuck it.
"I have a crush on someone in the Loser's Club too."
Ben's face dropped. "Oh, um, I guess I'll bow out. You can have Beverly, you'd be a great match-"
"No, no, no!" Richie hastened to correct him. "It's not Beverly." He let it hang in the air for a second.
"If it's not Beverly, i-it's..." Bill and Ben seemed to come to the realization at the same time.
"Eddie."
Richie, for once in his life, was speechless. All he could do was nod as fresh tears sprang from his eyes.
This was it. This was the end of his tenure in the Loser's Club. It was great while it lasted. He let the tears fall, and closed his eyes as not to see the expressions on his friend's faces. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"For what?" asked Ben. "Rich, you are who you are. You can't help loving Eddie any more than I can help loving Bev." Ben's face was as sincere as ever as he placed a hand on Richie's shoulder.
"M-m-me too, Richie. I know we've had our d-d-differences, b-but you are one o-of my b-b-best friends in the world. I w-w-wouldn't trade you for anything. Losers stick together, right?"
Richie couldn't believe what he was hearing. He thought he'd hear insults, death threats, and aggression, not compliments, promises, and affirmation. He felt tears spring to his eyes again, but this time, tears of, well, still not pure joy, but a mixture.
Wordlessly, he put his arms around the boys and hugged them close. "I love you guys so fucking much. Thank you for accepting me."
He let himself be held once again, knowing that he was safe and secure.
When he pulled away, he assumed a more secretive stance. "You can't tell anyone I'm gay. You two are the only ones who know. No one else knows- not my parents, not the other losers, especially not Eddie." And then he was rambling. "I thought I'd be telling Bev or Stan or Mike first, you know. 'Cuz, you guys are always drooling over girls. I don't know, I guess I just thought they'd be the first ones, but I'm glad it was you guys. Thanks, Billy. Thanks, Haystack. You're the best bitches a guy could have."
"Beep beep, Richie," said Bill, smiling nonetheless.
"Thanks, Rich," said Ben in response.
Richie savored the moment for one more minute before finally deciding it was time to get back out there. "Let's go, my Eddie Spaghetti is waiting." He felt happier, lighter, now that he had people behind him. Now that he didn't have to bear his secret alone. And when he got back to the circle, as everyone welcomed him back and Eddie tackled him in a hug, all Richie felt was love.